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Finding my way back to my Hunter

I was thinking a lot today about why I haven’t written in so long. And why those things that I had written over the few months didn’t seem very substantial and were superficial at best.

I think a lot of it goes back to this post I wrote over the summer. I’m staying in the twilight… not pushing myself to move ahead or in a new direction because I feel safe in the twilight.

If I don’t try I don’t have to fear the failure. I don’t have to fear the darkness…

Back at the end of October and the beginning of November things were seeming bright. I felt like that God was pursuing me the way a hunter pursues his prey… slowly coming closer and closer… the twilight was brightening and dawn was coming upon me… and then just when I was getting ready to fully step into the light… fully allowing my self to be enveloped by my Hunter… a twig breaks… and I go running back into my twilight… away from the light… away from God.

And the sad thing is… it wasn’t anything big or monumental that made me run away. In fact its rather silly… I broke my foot. But all that energy that I was using to customize my body to the light suddenly went to the healing of my foot and just trying to get by in life. While I was going to church and bible study regularly… I haven’t gone since I broke my foot.

I wish I didn’t fear leaving the twilight. When I am in the Twilight I can ignore things that make me feel uncomfortable. When I am in the twilight I can pretend that everything is all right. When I am in the twilight I don’t pray as a I should, because it allows me to ignore those things I should be thanking God for, asking God for, and worshiping God for… because in the twilight I know He knows Im in the twilight… and I know He will always love me… even there…

I am just so terrified that if I try to move out of the twilight, I will find myself in the night compared to the day…. But I was reaching the day before the twig snapped… so shouldn’t I easily want to go back to where I was? Allow my Hunter to find me and keep me forever?

Why do I find it so hard? Bible study is tomorrow night… perhaps with taking a baby step and just going… I’ll once again find myself in extremely close proximity with my Hunter and I won’t let a twig scare me away.

I can’t let my fear of the dark keep me away from the light.

 
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Posted by on December 17, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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Struggles

So something I’ve been struggling with here in my city is a lack of friends. I just haven’t met with many people that I connect with.

God has answered so many of my prayers, but for some reason I have had a hard time believing that he could help me with this one. Isn’t this something I need to fix myself? I’ve been the one kind of standoff ish… I’m the one who doesn’t like to be in large groups and its hard to find people who prefer one on one time (which is what I love). I need to fix myself.

Yesterday my “social activity” for the week was supposed to meet with my bible study group to watch a movie in the park. I was actually really excited about going, but as the day wore on I was getting really tired and not really in the mood to go out. But still I was going to make myself go. But then when I looked it up it involved much public transit and a very long commute. Normally this wouldn’t stop me from going, but the day before I was stuck on public transit for 1.5 hours due to traffic and was a bit frustrated with it.. and I didn’t want to travel all the way back late at night by myself. I feel safe with where I live, but its A HUGE city and I’m not going to jinks myself. So I didn’t end up going. Which I felt bad about.

But I did decide to take my puppy on a nice long walk. I really wanted to go to a place I hadn’t gone to since before winter. I hadn’t gone sooner, because its a long walk and with my ankle… traveling that far on foot on a path that doesn’t have car access so I can’t call a taxi if I get stuck has scared me. But I finally got the courage to do it.

I had decided though since I was skipping out on a bible study thing that I would have my own bible study and time with God when I got out there. Unfortunately by the time I hobbled out there it was already getting dark so I didn’t get to spend too much time there, but the time that I did spend in God’s Word and my devotional was extremely uplifting. Once again I found God speaking to me through my daily devotional.

I want you to experience the riches of your salvation: the Joy of being loved constantly and perfectly. You make a practice of judging yourself, based on how you look or behave or feel. If you like what you see in the mirror, you feel a bit more worthy of My Love. When things are going smoothly and your performance seems adequate, you find it easier to believe you are My beloved child. When you feel discouraged, you tend to look inward so you can correct whatever is wrong.

Instead of trying to ‘fix’ yourself, fix your gaze on Me, the Lover of your soul. Rather than using your energy to judge yourself, redirect it to praising Me. Remember that I see you clothed in My righteousness, radiant in My perfect Love.

Ephesians 2:7-8; Psalm 34: 5; Hebrews 3:1

Is this not what I’m struggling with? The idea that I need to fix myself? I mean there is no doubt I have much to work on… my lack of confidence, my fear of being unwanted, my fear of being forgotten, my fear of never fitting in. But I can’t ‘fix’ these things on my own. I shouldn’t be focusing on fixing these things… but I should “fix” my gaze upon God. He has answered SOOOOO MANY  of my prayers lately. He has helped me overcome my OCD, He is the reason I made it through this academic year, He is the reason I got such an amazing job that I absolutely love, He is the one who has given me courage to stand up for me when no one else will. Why would I ever doubt that He wouldn’t answer my prayer of helping me find a place that I belong in this city? Nothing happens over night… things take time… and until then… I will always have my amazing puppy at my side and of course the Lover of my Soul, Jesus, at my side.

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UPDATE

So I just pulled my devotional out for today… and man oh man… wow…

 

Keep Walking with Me along the path I have chosen for you. Your desire to live close to Me is a delight to My heart. I could instantly grant you the spiritual riches you desire, but that is not My way for you. Together we will forge a pathway up the high mountain. The journey is arduous at times, and you are weak. Someday you will dance light- footed on the high peaks; but for now your walk is often plodding and heavy. All I require of you is to take the next step, clinging to My hand for strength and direction. Though the path is difficult and the scenery dull at the moment, there are sparkling suppress just around the bend. Stay on the path I have selected for you. It is truly the path of Life.

Is that not what I was just talking about in terms of things taking time and the pathway being difficult??? ❤

 

 
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Posted by on July 14, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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Epiphany(s)

Y’all I’ve had several epiphanies between yesterday and today… and I think I understand a lot more about myself and life than I ever have before.

(1) I’m stubborn.

(2) I need to completely let go and give EVERYTHING, including people, to God.

(3) I want to love someone not because they saved me from something but because of who they are.

I provide explanations for each below, but just to help you understand please note that all of them completely tie with my recent (extremely stupid but yet oddly extremely freeing) experience that I blogged about last time.

Point 1- I’m stubborn

Y’all… I have never considered myself stubborn… except in my refusal to quit academia… but that had a lot to do with fear… In fact, because of how I was raised I’m usually the one convincing stubborn people to not be stubborn and see the other sides of situations. But I guess maybe since I’ve always been the voice of reason to the stubborn people that are very much a large part of my life, I never looked at the ways in which I am stubborn.

but I realize now that I am seriously a really stubborn person… this isn’t a bad thing per se… actually it helps me figure things out.. and learn how to channel this stubbornness in more appropriate ways.

The problem is in a particular instance I’m stubborn at believing that some people just aren’t good for me, stubborn at believing that they deserve 100s of second chances, stubborn at refusing to realize how horrible a situation is, stubborn about realizing I can’t change people or control their actions or feelings… no matter how much I want to… which brings us to Point 2

Point 2- I need to completely let go and give everything, including people, to God

I met with my therapist this week and had a heart to heart about what I blogged about last time. She is actually the one who pointed out to me my stubbornness…

I was trying to explain to her everything and how stupid I felt and I told her what I felt like God has been speaking to me throughout this whole entire year about academia, Fred, failed relationships, family difficulties, etc:

Don’t run after what I am trying to protect you from.

I’m not sure if I have every ‘heard’ God’s voice… to be honest I’m not quite sure how that works… but I know in my heart that God has said that to me. And what do I do time and time again? I run after exactly that which God is trying to protect me from bc I think I know better… or I think I’m hearing God wrong… but God has time and time again tried to protect me from the Fred situation… I mean look at the timing of the Ex in my life… how could that not have been heaven-sent?

My therapist told me that I need to pray that God helps me let go of Fred. But then I was scared because I felt like that made me a bad person… if I no longer pray for Fred and pray that he gets on the right path does that make me a bad person? that I only think about myself? But my therapist pointed out to me that that is in fact what I should do… because I need to give Fred to God.

When I became a Christian… what did I do? I gave my whole life to God. I told him “here I don’t want to control my life, I want to live it worshipping you, please take the reins and have me live for you.”

If I am doing that (or attempting lol… but what Christian is ever more in the attempting phase? lol its something we all struggle with because we are human) then I need to give Fred over completely to God. I’m not responsible for Fred, I need to put myself and my relationship with God before Fred. I need to let Fred completely go so that he can be free to reach out to God (if he choose to of course). I can’t be steering Fred in the direction I think he should go (even if I think it is in the direction that God is in). Only God can do that. I need to completely let Fred go and trust my loving wonderful God that Fred will find him. Fred isn’t my responsibility.

While I don’t think the situation I created this past week was “meant to be”… I do think God was able to spin something good off of it… which gets us to Point #3

Point 3- I want to love someone not because they saved me from something but because of who they are.

[From here on out ‘the Ex’ will be referred to as ‘Brad’ (which of course is not his real name). The reason for this change is because I have hopes that one day… and I hope not too far in the future that I can refer to him and think of him more as a true and real “friend” and have that define our relationship than as the romantic relationship we once had.]

One of the reasons I had such strong feelings for Brad was because, as we all know, he was heaven sent. His timing was perfect. He saved me when I could not save myself from Fred. If it was not for Brad, I honestly have no idea where I would be right now.

But the thing is… I should want to love (not romantic love but the love you have for your friends and family) Brad for who he is, not for what he has done for me. I should love Brad for his sense of humor (including the dirty jokes), his intellect, his kindness, his goodness, etc.

Just like I wish to view Brad (hopefully in the near future) as a friend compared to as “the Ex”, I wish to view Brad as completely and utterly separated from Fred. I don’t want to associate Brad as “saving me” from Fred.

I want to associate Brad with being Brad and absolutely nothing more.

Which is how we get to the point that I think God has made a positive spin-off from my stupidity….

this time… I was able to save my self from Fred.

Yes, things didn’t go exactly how I wished in terms of us having this huge heart to heart and finally getting a simple “I’m sorry” from him… but I finally feel like I can let go of him.

I mean I had definitly let go of him since Brad came into my life… but I always had the horrible feelings that led me to contacting Fred this time “I’ve ruined his life. I need to know that he is ok. I can’t have anyone hating me or have any relationship (no matter what kind) end the way that one did” within me. I want to spread love and goodness everywhere… and with the knowledge that I had “ruined his life” (as he told me), it made it difficult to sleep at night… And then when Brad and I broke up these ideas just flared within me b/c maybe something was wrong with me (since Brad was the one who broke up with me) and not Fred. Maybe it was my fault

Having met up with him one more time just reinforced all my realizations that he isn’t good for me and there is absolutely nothing I can do to help him… except let him go. I’ve finally come to terms with the fact that he can’t be in my life even just as a friend. I’ve come to realize I should have never been treated the way he treated me. I’ve come to realize it wasn’t my fault. I realize that no matter from what angle you look at it he was horrible to me and there is absolutely no excuse for it. I realize I am worth soooooooo much more.

I realize that I am enough.

I am enough.

Wow… I really can’t say that enough.. I don’t even think I’ve said that before…

I, Brooke Carter, am enough.

I don’t need to be Brooke Carter: attempting savior of Fred, Brooke Carter: indebted to Brad, Brooke Carter: the girl who will do anything for anyone, Brooke Carter: so easily walked on, Brooke Carter: the glue to her family, Brooke Carter: the girl with OCD, Brooke Carter a mess from all the heartache, Brooke Carter: an academic failure… no. I am just Brooke Carter…me…

and yea… I’m still trying to find out exactly who “Brooke” is… but even while trying to do that… I’m enough.

I’m enough to save myself. I don’t have to associate anyone with saving me except for God and me.

Therefore when another situation arises that I need to be saved from, I don’t have to look to Brad or someone else in my life. They can just be who they are… and I can love them for that and nothing more… and I can be my own savior (well of course God is that but you know what i mean).

 
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Posted by on July 12, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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Please…

Dear God,

Please pull me close. Hug me. Be with me. Just let me feel your presence here…My heart… it feels so empty…

Please God be with me. I need you so badly… it hurts so much… this pain it isn’t bearable…

I feel so used, unwanted, and unloved.

Please God hold me.

I tried so hard God, I wanted it to work so much. I gave it my all… every single bit of me… and I don’t know how to get it back… or if I can get it back… I gave it my all and I was still denied the one thing I wanted… I didn’t even get a sliver of it… no matter how much I wanted it and fought for it, I was denied it. I would have been happy with just a little bit… I didn’t need it all… but I needed more than what was offered because it was literally tearing me up inside… I just needed a little more… not that much more just a little… but now it has all been denied. I gave it my whole heart, body, and soul, and I was found that I wasn’t good enough… only a small part of me was good enough and the rest of me drove what I wanted so desperately away…

And you know what the horrible thing is? I keep completely blaming myself! I don’t know God, maybe it is my fault… but it def wasn’t all my fault… More and more was being asked of me and I gave and gave and was still denied the only thing I wanted, I was denied even a small portion.

Why? I mean I’ve learned a lot… but Why God? Why couldn’t I even have a little? How am I supposed to get me back when I gave it my all? My heart feels like it is gone… the only reminder that I have of ever having a heart is this excruciating pain that i feel that signifies that its gone. My heart is gone God… Even if I could get it back… I don’t know if I want it back… I gave it so freely… without reserve, without wisdom, with blind trust. No one as stupid as me should even be allowed to have a heart… and I did give it away freely… I want it to stay in the place that I gave it away… but it appears that it was thrown out the window without a care in the world of how it would affect me.

My heart is lost…

I feel so empty… so cold… please help me through this… hold me. carry me. I no longer have the strength to continue on. See me through this dark night… you promised… and You are the only one I can trust to keep their promise… because no one else in the world does… false promises are made to those of us who blindly trust and our punishment is the destroying of our hearts.

Be with me… please… help me through this pain… it hurts… so much… I knew I shouldn’t have put my trust where I did… I should have kept it with you… you never lead me astray… but the world always will…

I just wanted to be loved God… please give me your love… wrap me in it, cradle me like a babe because I can no longer walk on my own.

Please God, I need you now. Please hear me.

I don’t know what I have left… but if I do have anything left I give it all to You… I sure don’t want it anymore and no one else can protect it. That is if it is even worth protecting.

Please… hold me… love me… please…
~me

 
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Posted by on January 18, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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I will sing you to me

I’ve always been shy about my singing abilities… growing up with an eldest sister who is an opera trained singer and a musical family in general… I never really felt that secure to share my voice. Riley is probably one of the few friends (if any others at all) who has heard me sing, and she says I have a gorgeous voice that I shouldn’t hide… but singing to me makes me vulnerable because when I sing my soul pores out of me… Until really this past year, I tried to hide all my vulnerability… now that I have torn that wall down though and all my friends realize how vulnerable and insecure of a person I am you would think I would be able to sing more with them around… but I still find that I cannot.

But anyway… I was watching the movie Australia the other evening and Nullah’s aboriginal phrase “I sing you to me” which he tells “Mrs. Boss” when he is taken away to live in the missions and then when he goes on his walkabout… really struck me. Especially when Mrs. Boss (Nichole Kidman) replies back “And I will hear you my darling.”

Maybe I should be singing more…

I keep having very personal songs pop in my head…a lot about God’s love… maybe in order to get closer to God I need to “sing Him to me” so that He can hear me and find me.

Maybe I need to embrace my voice, so that I can be found by the one who has spoken for me and loves me for always.

 
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Posted by on January 18, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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Psalm 119: 32

Psalms 119: 32- “I run in the path of your commands, for you have set my heart free.”

This extremely seemingly contradicting statement really spoke to me today…

But first before I can get into that I need to back up and share good news!

I went outside of my comfort zone and joined a Bible Study group through a church that I had only visited twice (well three times if you count that one time I went to a different campus of it). I loved it but wasn’t sure how to meet people… so when the option of signing up for bible studies came up I jumped on it!

I desperately need to meet new people so I can stop obsessing about certain things and continue to actually live my life.

But 6:30pm came around (it started at 7pm) and I was sitting on my couch.. and I just didn’t want to venture out into the 20 degree weather… “What if I go out and don’t end up meeting anyone cool at this Bible study? what if it just makes me feel more lonely than I already feel? I don’t like being cold.” (the last statement was the most worrisome lol)

But I got off my butt and decided to do it to give me something to do other than you know the mountain of homework I already have piling up.

And I am SO glad that I went… at first I was uber shy and it was kind of awkward at dinner but by the time we got to the actual bible study part everyone seemed so nice, warm, and open.

I actually talked several times throughout the bible study… which is a HUGE thing for me… and guess what?? I made friends! Like legit I have phone numbers of people who want to hang out with me! It was great… I really felt by the end of my time there like I BELONGED…. WOAH… I can’t believe I just wrote that after my last post! I mean I was still a little awkward especially when everyone was leaving… but I am realizing while I type that I did feel like I belonged. Man… you bet I’m going back next week…seriously… does God answer prayers or what??!!

but anyway back to the bible verse…. that was one of the bible verses we went over in our study called Uprising: A revolution of the Soul. And it really spoke to me.

Its a contradiction seemingly… b/c in order to be free it says we still have to follow commands… but how does that make sense… but it completely does…

God’s commands are commands that keep us away from hurt and pain… “Don’t kill, Don’t commit adultery, DOn’t lie…” All of his commands are in our best interest… he doesn’t command them to hinder our lives but to protect us because he loves us so much.

I realize in my own life.. I’m not following God’s commands the way I should be… and because of that I have a lot of heartache and my mind is constantly entrapped in obsessing (not in a OCD way) over it trying to make it work. But if I did as He wanted me too… I would be free from it or the situation would transform to a better and healthier one).

I need to open up my hands to God…. I need to give Him my problems… and begin following what he wants me to do… so I can be free from this all…

God Loves us… Why do we have such a hard time realizing that? He only asks us to do certain things to protect our hearts.

 
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Posted by on January 17, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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Pursuing God…

So…. I just finished the second chapter of Captivating… and I’m already pretty speechless about how amazing this book is.

From a cross cultural global perspective… I’m not sure if I agree with some of their “universal” claims about women… but those claims that they have made completely and 100% define me….

They say women have 3 longings within their hearts:

  • to be romanced,
  • to play an irreplaceable role in a great adventure,
  • and to unveil beauty.

Seriously… I can’t say for all women… but I can more than definitely say that for me… that truly is the core of who I am and what I want out of life. Those are truly my three greatest longings that I’ve had all my life.

I kind of feel less unique now that I know others feel that way too lol… I kinda thought it was just me… especially the second one… but I guess now that I think about all those adventure books I read with female leaders it makes sense now… lol. But they did note that:

“The desire of a woman’s heart and the realities of a woman’s life seem an ocean apart. Oh, we long for romance and an irreplaceable role in a great story; we long for beauty. But that’s not the life we have. The result is a sense of shame.” (Eldridge and Eldridge 2005: 30)

This quote particularly struck me as truth… b/c often I am “ashamed” of my fantasies that I have of being rescued by my knight and shining armor, of changing the world for the better, and to bring beauty to the world. But I shouldn’t be ashamed of that because that is the core of who I am.

All women are meant for beauty. The world was not deemed to be “good” by God until He created Woman. Women are in fact the pinnacle of perfection in the creation, we are the finale of all creation.

But anyway… there is something more in-depth I wish to discuss from this book thus far… and it is something I really don’t think I could have realized without everything that happened this past semester. Showing once again that EVERYTHING happens for a reason… The idea that I need to pursue God.

In Isaiah 49: 14-15, 18, Jeremiah 24:7, and Matthew 23:37, we see how much God wants us to pursue Him. Eldridge and Eldridge (2005: 25) note:

“not only does God long for us, but He longs to be loved by us. Oh, how we’ve missed this. How many of you see God as longing to be loved by you? We see Him as strong and powerful, but not as needing us, vulnerable to us, yearning to be desired. But as I wrote in Wild at heart, ‘after years of hearing the heart-cry of women, I am convinced beyond a doubt of this: God wants to be loved. He wants to be a priority in someone. How could we have missed this? From cover to cover, from beginning to end, the cry of God’s heart is, “why won’t you choose me?” It is amazing to me how humble, how vulnerable God is on this point. “You will find me,” says the Lord, “when you seek me with all your heart” (Jer. 29: 13). In other words, ‘Look for me, pursue me- I want you to pursue me,” Amazing, As Tazer says, God waits to be wanted.”

And then to add this quote, later Eldridge and Eldridge (2005: 45) tell us:

“God yearns to be known. But he wants to be sought after by those who would know him. He says, ‘You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.’ (Jer 29: 13). There is dignity here; God does not throw himself at any passerby. He is no harlot. If you would know Him you must love Him; you must seek Him with your whole heart. This is crucial to any woman’s soul, not to mention her sexuality. “you cannot simply have me. You must seek me, pursue me. I won’t let you in unless I know you love me.'”

At the beginning of the semester… you can look back in my posts to see this… I prayed that “God would show me what love was like on earth so that I could begin to comprehend what it was like for Him to love me.”

God had revealed Himself in this manner to me before in terms of my OCD… How I was able to learn again how to trust Him again by first trusting my earthly friends with knowing about my OCD.

I realize now… even though the ends aren’t what I wanted… I have indeed seen what love is like on earth and I can now slightly comprehend what it is like for Him to love me. I only say slightly b/c I don’t pretend I can comprehend God to His fullest… but He is revealing various pieces to me.

Just like I longed for romance and love in my relationship that is what God LONGS for… when things were going bad whether it was my fault or his (I’m over the blame game lol) I sat crying longing just to feel loved and wanted… now after reading the passages above from Captivating… I realize that God feels EXACTLY the same way about us when we don’t come to Him. Just like I wanted to be pursued and loved… God wants to be pursued and loved… God is crying for us to reach out to Him… He does everything in His power to show us how much He loves us… but yet often, like how I felt in the relationship, the other individual just turns away… oblivious to how much I was hurting and longing for him… or how much God is hurting and longing for me…

I now have a good idea how much it hurts Him for us to ignore Him… to turn away from Him… to not return His call to us… and the fact that I have hurt God like that? Wow… I have no words to express how remorseful I am…

I now have a slight understanding about how much God wants me. LOVES ME. And Cherishes me… and just wants me to want Him.

And then as the second passage says… God isn’t a harlot with His love… just b/c I know God is automatically going to forgive me for something doesn’t mean I should just go out and do it… it hurts Him deeply… we have to show God how much we love him through following His lead, His commandments, and His path.

This also shows me that I shouldn’t be a harlot with my love either… my heart is precious and I should only give it to that individual who is worthy of it. I need someone to pursue me so that I know that he loves me and is worthy of my love.

But really the only love I should be focusing on right now is God’s… I need to show God how much I love Him… I need to become more than 2%…. I need to make the romance between God and I more tangible… I need to pursue Him with all my heart. I need to stop hurting Him and answer His call. I need to recognize God’s love for me.

 
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Posted by on December 21, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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