Y’all I’ve had several epiphanies between yesterday and today… and I think I understand a lot more about myself and life than I ever have before.
(1) I’m stubborn.
(2) I need to completely let go and give EVERYTHING, including people, to God.
(3) I want to love someone not because they saved me from something but because of who they are.
I provide explanations for each below, but just to help you understand please note that all of them completely tie with my recent (extremely stupid but yet oddly extremely freeing) experience that I blogged about last time.
Point 1- I’m stubborn
Y’all… I have never considered myself stubborn… except in my refusal to quit academia… but that had a lot to do with fear… In fact, because of how I was raised I’m usually the one convincing stubborn people to not be stubborn and see the other sides of situations. But I guess maybe since I’ve always been the voice of reason to the stubborn people that are very much a large part of my life, I never looked at the ways in which I am stubborn.
but I realize now that I am seriously a really stubborn person… this isn’t a bad thing per se… actually it helps me figure things out.. and learn how to channel this stubbornness in more appropriate ways.
The problem is in a particular instance I’m stubborn at believing that some people just aren’t good for me, stubborn at believing that they deserve 100s of second chances, stubborn at refusing to realize how horrible a situation is, stubborn about realizing I can’t change people or control their actions or feelings… no matter how much I want to… which brings us to Point 2
Point 2- I need to completely let go and give everything, including people, to God
I met with my therapist this week and had a heart to heart about what I blogged about last time. She is actually the one who pointed out to me my stubbornness…
I was trying to explain to her everything and how stupid I felt and I told her what I felt like God has been speaking to me throughout this whole entire year about academia, Fred, failed relationships, family difficulties, etc:
Don’t run after what I am trying to protect you from.
I’m not sure if I have every ‘heard’ God’s voice… to be honest I’m not quite sure how that works… but I know in my heart that God has said that to me. And what do I do time and time again? I run after exactly that which God is trying to protect me from bc I think I know better… or I think I’m hearing God wrong… but God has time and time again tried to protect me from the Fred situation… I mean look at the timing of the Ex in my life… how could that not have been heaven-sent?
My therapist told me that I need to pray that God helps me let go of Fred. But then I was scared because I felt like that made me a bad person… if I no longer pray for Fred and pray that he gets on the right path does that make me a bad person? that I only think about myself? But my therapist pointed out to me that that is in fact what I should do… because I need to give Fred to God.
When I became a Christian… what did I do? I gave my whole life to God. I told him “here I don’t want to control my life, I want to live it worshipping you, please take the reins and have me live for you.”
If I am doing that (or attempting lol… but what Christian is ever more in the attempting phase? lol its something we all struggle with because we are human) then I need to give Fred over completely to God. I’m not responsible for Fred, I need to put myself and my relationship with God before Fred. I need to let Fred completely go so that he can be free to reach out to God (if he choose to of course). I can’t be steering Fred in the direction I think he should go (even if I think it is in the direction that God is in). Only God can do that. I need to completely let Fred go and trust my loving wonderful God that Fred will find him. Fred isn’t my responsibility.
While I don’t think the situation I created this past week was “meant to be”… I do think God was able to spin something good off of it… which gets us to Point #3
Point 3- I want to love someone not because they saved me from something but because of who they are.
[From here on out ‘the Ex’ will be referred to as ‘Brad’ (which of course is not his real name). The reason for this change is because I have hopes that one day… and I hope not too far in the future that I can refer to him and think of him more as a true and real “friend” and have that define our relationship than as the romantic relationship we once had.]
One of the reasons I had such strong feelings for Brad was because, as we all know, he was heaven sent. His timing was perfect. He saved me when I could not save myself from Fred. If it was not for Brad, I honestly have no idea where I would be right now.
But the thing is… I should want to love (not romantic love but the love you have for your friends and family) Brad for who he is, not for what he has done for me. I should love Brad for his sense of humor (including the dirty jokes), his intellect, his kindness, his goodness, etc.
Just like I wish to view Brad (hopefully in the near future) as a friend compared to as “the Ex”, I wish to view Brad as completely and utterly separated from Fred. I don’t want to associate Brad as “saving me” from Fred.
I want to associate Brad with being Brad and absolutely nothing more.
Which is how we get to the point that I think God has made a positive spin-off from my stupidity….
this time… I was able to save my self from Fred.
Yes, things didn’t go exactly how I wished in terms of us having this huge heart to heart and finally getting a simple “I’m sorry” from him… but I finally feel like I can let go of him.
I mean I had definitly let go of him since Brad came into my life… but I always had the horrible feelings that led me to contacting Fred this time “I’ve ruined his life. I need to know that he is ok. I can’t have anyone hating me or have any relationship (no matter what kind) end the way that one did” within me. I want to spread love and goodness everywhere… and with the knowledge that I had “ruined his life” (as he told me), it made it difficult to sleep at night… And then when Brad and I broke up these ideas just flared within me b/c maybe something was wrong with me (since Brad was the one who broke up with me) and not Fred. Maybe it was my fault
Having met up with him one more time just reinforced all my realizations that he isn’t good for me and there is absolutely nothing I can do to help him… except let him go. I’ve finally come to terms with the fact that he can’t be in my life even just as a friend. I’ve come to realize I should have never been treated the way he treated me. I’ve come to realize it wasn’t my fault. I realize that no matter from what angle you look at it he was horrible to me and there is absolutely no excuse for it. I realize I am worth soooooooo much more.
I realize that I am enough.
I am enough.
Wow… I really can’t say that enough.. I don’t even think I’ve said that before…
I, Brooke Carter, am enough.
I don’t need to be Brooke Carter: attempting savior of Fred, Brooke Carter: indebted to Brad, Brooke Carter: the girl who will do anything for anyone, Brooke Carter: so easily walked on, Brooke Carter: the glue to her family, Brooke Carter: the girl with OCD, Brooke Carter a mess from all the heartache, Brooke Carter: an academic failure… no. I am just Brooke Carter…me…
and yea… I’m still trying to find out exactly who “Brooke” is… but even while trying to do that… I’m enough.
I’m enough to save myself. I don’t have to associate anyone with saving me except for God and me.
Therefore when another situation arises that I need to be saved from, I don’t have to look to Brad or someone else in my life. They can just be who they are… and I can love them for that and nothing more… and I can be my own savior (well of course God is that but you know what i mean).