“You know how when you were a little kid and you believed in fairy tales, that fantasy of what your life would be, white dress, prince charming who would carry you away to a castle on a hill. You would lie in bed at night and close your eyes and you had complete and utter faith. Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, Prince Charming, they were so close you could taste them, but eventually you grow up, one day you open your eyes and the fairy tale disappears. Most people turn to the things and people they can trust. But the thing is its hard to let go of that fairy tale entirely cause almost everyone has that smallest bit of hope, of faith, that one day they will open their eyes and it will come true.”- Meredith Grey from Grey’s Anatomy
When it comes to the belief of a “Prince Charming” I’ve always had an internal battle. Part of me… a part of me that only changed over this past year but still unfortunately creeps up back into my life every now and then… was convinced that I was never deserving of love… it had a lot to do with my OCD… how could anyone want to be with someone like me (because I was convinced I was a horrible person for much of my life)? But of course even at the worse of this… I always had secret hope that my Prince Charming would come in sweep me off my feet and change my life forever… showing me that I could be loved and deserved to be so. I always had the tinniest hope he would save me from the world… and myself.
But what if you meet Prince Charming and you aren’t his Princess?
There is no doubt in my mind that I’ve met Prince Charming… but unfortunately I wasn’t his princess. You don’t know how much I wish that I was… yea I’m still a little sad about it… but more than anything in the world I am so thankful that I got to meet Prince Charming. I rather have crossed paths with Prince Charming than never have met him at all…
…So it has been two months (and we dated for only 1.5 months!) since the Ex broke up with me… and I’ve been having the most difficult time understanding why I’ve been having such a hard time getting over him.
I know its partly because I miss him as a friend more than anything… and while he agreed to be friends… I don’t think we are ready to be at that point yet…
But anyway.. I kept wondering.. why can’t I stop thinking about him? and wishing he was in my life (even just as a friend)? Seriously… it makes no sense… we didn’t date that long at all… we didn’t have that many heart to hearts… yea I did want to give him my heart but he in the end didn’t want it and I’m not going to force it upon anyone. So it just doesn’t make sense…
But I was thinking more about it… especially because Fred has been weighing more on my mind lately… and I realized its because the Ex basically saved me from Fred… he rode up on a white horse and saved me. How many people can say that they have had someone change their life like that? I honestly have no idea where I would be if he hadn’t come into my life. Fred was destroying me… I couldn’t handle being treated the way I was being treated by Fred… and the Ex came in showing me that I deserved to be treated correctly and I deserved to be treated as if I was a precious thing. If I had never met the Ex… I have no idea where I would be…. actually yes I do… I would have said yes to Fred’s marriage proposal… I would be stuck in a horribly abusive relationship, wed to a man who really didn’t love me but was too afraid to loose me, probably pregnant, and regretting every moment of that life, but too afraid to leave him because I thought he would commit suicide without me.
The Ex broke up with me because he sensed my feelings were stronger for him than his were for me and he didn’t see things moving on beyond where we were at and he didn’t want to string me along. It was really great of him to realize I wasn’t “the one” now rather than later when feelings were even stronger on my part. I can’t even be upset with him for his reasoning (although I don’t completely agree with him about feelings having to develop evenly in terms of timing). But the truth is… even if everything went perfectly between the Ex and I… my feelings would always be stronger for him than his were for me…because he saved me and I can never express the gratefulness and love (not romantic love but love in general) I have for him for that.
And even though the Ex and I are no longer together or really speaking… he is still saving me from Fred everyday… The moment that I think about contacting Fred just to see if he is ok… I think about the fact of how that would completely erase all the amazingness that the Ex brought into my life. And I could never destroy the memory of our relationship like that.
I miss the Ex so much… and sometimes I wish I hadn’t met him just because of the hurt I feel, but that is a horrible idea… I have never been so grateful for someone being in my life than I am that the Ex was in my life. He was truly heaven sent… the timing of meeting him… there was absolutely no way that God didn’t have a hand in it… God gave me exactly what I needed… God answered my prayers by introducing me to Prince Charming. The Ex saved me in all the ways a person can be saved and I will never forget him. I can never repay him for what he has done in my life.
Prince Charming is such a wonderful man. His Princess is going to be the most blessed woman in the world. I know that she is going to have to be something pretty wonderful to even measure up a little bit to what he is.
So I’ve met Prince Charming. I’ve been graced by his presence. But just because I’ve met Prince Charming and I wasn’t his Princess… doesn’t mean their isn’t a love story out there for me.
There is no other Prince Charming that I can wait for… but I will wait for my Knight in Shining Armor, because he will fight for me and won’t let me go once he finds me.
Want to know a secret? Promise not to tell? We are standing by a wishing well Make a wish into the well, that’s all you have to do and if you hear it echoing. Your wish will soon come true. -Snow White