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The Ankle

So I know one of my New Years Resolution was to learn how to fail… and I have finally seemed to fail at something this year… BUT THE WORST THING EVER!!!

I failed physical therapy…. hahahahahaha I know!!!! Who on earth fails at physical therapy???

I broke/sprained my ankle two months ago… I sooooo expected to be completely and utterly fine now… but apparently since I had two fractures and a bad sprain… it takes longer? I guess? lol

But I was supposed to finish physical therapy last Friday… but nope.. i’m on the books for more weeks! yay! not! lol

So basically… I’m just whining and laughing at myself and wishing that I could actually walk normally.

I’m out of my walking boot and I have been out of it for like 3 weeks… but I’m only allowed to wear tennis shoes… which btw trying to find work appropriate tennis shoes that aren’t hideous… VERY DIFFICULT! I have sooo many new cute work outfits but they all look funny with tennis shoes… *sigh* I miss wearing pretty heals and flats… I miss walking normally…

And I still haven’t been able to work off my stress weight from the end of the school year which is sooo annoying! I actually have time to work out, but yea… with my ankle and the whole failing physical therapy… not gonna happen anytime soon… plus with my current track record I would probably just break the other ankle lol 😉

So…

Dear Ankle,

HURRY UP AND HEAL PLEASE AND THANK YOU!!!— I don’t like failing! Even if its physical therapy!

Love, the rest of your annoyed body 😉

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Posted by on June 5, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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Not my Prince Charming

“You know how when you were a little kid and you believed in fairy tales, that fantasy of what your life would be, white dress, prince charming who would carry you away to a castle on a hill. You would lie in bed at night and close your eyes and you had complete and utter faith. Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, Prince Charming, they were so close you could taste them, but eventually you grow up, one day you open your eyes and the fairy tale disappears. Most people turn to the things and people they can trust. But the thing is its hard to let go of that fairy tale entirely cause almost everyone has that smallest bit of hope, of faith, that one day they will open their eyes and it will come true.”- Meredith Grey from Grey’s Anatomy

When it comes to the belief of a “Prince Charming” I’ve always had an internal battle. Part of me… a part of me that only changed over this past year but still unfortunately creeps up back into my life every now and then… was convinced that I was never deserving of love… it had a lot to do with my OCD… how could anyone want to be with someone like me (because I was convinced I was a horrible person for much of my life)? But of course even at the worse of this… I always had secret hope that my Prince Charming would come in sweep me off my feet and change my life forever… showing me that I could be loved and deserved to be so. I always had the tinniest hope he would save me from the world… and myself.

But what if you meet Prince Charming and you aren’t his Princess?

There is no doubt in my mind that I’ve met Prince Charming… but unfortunately I wasn’t his princess. You don’t know how much I wish that I was… yea I’m still a little sad about it… but more than anything in the world I am so thankful that I got to meet Prince Charming. I rather have crossed paths with Prince Charming than never have met him at all…

…So it has been two months (and we dated for only 1.5 months!) since the Ex broke up with me… and I’ve been having the most difficult time understanding why I’ve been having such a hard time getting over him.

I know its partly because I miss him as a friend more than anything… and while he agreed to be friends… I don’t think we are ready to be at that point yet…

But anyway.. I kept wondering.. why can’t I stop thinking about him? and wishing he was in my life (even just as a friend)? Seriously… it makes no sense… we didn’t date that long at all… we didn’t have that many heart to hearts… yea I did want to give him my heart but he in the end didn’t want it and I’m not going to force it upon anyone. So it just doesn’t make sense…

But I was thinking more about it… especially because Fred has been weighing more on my mind lately… and I realized its because the Ex basically saved me from Fred… he rode up on a white horse and saved me. How many people can say that they have had someone change their life like that? I honestly have no idea where I would be if he hadn’t come into my life. Fred was destroying me… I couldn’t handle being treated the way I was being treated by Fred… and the Ex came in showing me that I deserved to be treated correctly and I deserved to be treated as if I was a precious thing. If I had never met the Ex… I have no idea where I would be…. actually yes I do… I would have said yes to Fred’s marriage proposal… I would be stuck in a horribly abusive relationship, wed to a man who really didn’t love me but was too afraid to loose me, probably pregnant, and regretting every moment of that life, but too afraid to leave him because I thought he would commit suicide without me.

The Ex broke up with me because he sensed my feelings were stronger for him than his were for me and he didn’t see things moving on beyond where we were at and he didn’t want to string me along. It was really great of him to realize I wasn’t “the one” now rather than later when feelings were even stronger on my part. I can’t even be upset with him for his reasoning (although I don’t completely agree with him about feelings having to develop evenly in terms of timing). But the truth is… even if everything went perfectly between the Ex and I… my feelings would always be stronger for him than his were for me…because he saved me and I can never express the gratefulness and love (not romantic love but love in general) I have for him for that.

And even though the Ex and I are no longer together or really speaking… he is still saving me from Fred everyday… The moment that I think about contacting Fred just to see if he is ok… I think about the fact of how that would completely erase all the amazingness that the Ex brought into my life. And I could never destroy the memory of our relationship like that.

I miss the Ex so much… and sometimes I wish I hadn’t met him just because of the hurt I feel, but that is a horrible idea… I have never been so grateful for someone being in my life than I am that the Ex was in my life. He was truly heaven sent… the timing of meeting him… there was absolutely no way that God didn’t have a hand in it… God gave me exactly what I needed… God answered my prayers by introducing me to Prince Charming. The Ex saved me in all the ways a person can be saved and I will never forget him. I can never repay him for what he has done in my life.

Prince Charming is such a wonderful man. His Princess is going to be the most blessed woman in the world. I know that she is going to have to be something pretty wonderful to even measure up a little bit to what he is.

So I’ve met Prince Charming. I’ve been graced by his presence. But just because I’ve met Prince Charming and I wasn’t his Princess… doesn’t mean their isn’t a love story out there for me.

There is no other Prince Charming that I can wait for… but I will wait for my Knight in Shining Armor, because he will fight for me and won’t let me go once he finds me.

Want to know a secret? Promise not to tell? We are standing by a wishing well Make a wish into the well, that’s all you have to do and if you hear it echoing. Your wish will soon come true. -Snow White

 
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Posted by on June 3, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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Blah..

Not fun day…

(1) Contamination OCD and the need to take Urine Sample at Dr.’s office do not mix

(2) So MANY undergrad papers/tests to grade!

(3) Master’s paper… I have NO motivation… and it is due in less than a week

On a different note, I realized something today. I’m really good at hiding my emotions.

It is like there is a line

Extremely Upset ——————————OK——————————— Extremely Happy

Last semester… with my OCD raging as much as it was I was probably Here (*) on the Line meter

Extremely Upset -*—————————–OK——————————— Extremely Happy

When I am that close to Extremely Upset….everyone and their mother can see my emotions. There is absolutely NO way to hide it. The random stranger passing will know that I am not in a good mental/emotional state.

BUT once I am about Here (/), I make it look like everything is OK. Just Ok. Not good. Not happy. Not horrible. Just Ok. But in reality I’m nowhere near the  actual OK on the line

Extremely Upset —–/————————-OK——————————— Extremely Happy

So I think my current state is

Extremely Upset —–/-*————————OK——————————— Extremely Happy

I think I have been in the above position for quite sometime. And my therapist just didn’t really realize I was upset b/c I was looking like everything was OK. I wasn’t in my raging “Omg I am so upset state,” therefore, I made it seem like I was ok. I’m good at making life seem like its Vanilla even when it is not.

With my best friend here though last week, she helped me realize that the mental/emotional position I’m in right now is NOT OK. See… I even have a hard time about NOT hiding it from myself.

At the / I can make myself think I’m OK even when I am not.

Honestly… I don’t think I’ve been on the other side of OK in about 3 years. B/c that is when my OCD started but I just didn’t have a name for it, especially then, because it was just Pure Obsession without Compulsions.

There are times when I am happy yes. But it is just a flicker of a moment, not a perpetual state of being.

My therapist was a bit taken aback that I hadn’t talked to him about this before, but was glad I told him. I thought a couple of times about bringing it up, but I never did. I have always had this childish belief that if I ignore something it will go away. But that is the thing… it just hibernates… waiting its time to gain strength. Three years ago my obsessions were bad… BUT after about a year I was able to ignore the situation, which I thought meant I was getting better. So then last summer, finding weakness in my getting sick it tore down my barrier of pretense with a full raging power that I could not handle.

I realize now though after talking to my friend that this will just become cyclical. It will just keep happening. Major OCD melt down, Ok-ness, Ignoring, Major OCD melt down, Ok-ness, Ignoring… etc.

I must deal with the underlying issues in order to truly heal.

Urg… why does life have to be so hard…

 
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Posted by on March 27, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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