I don’t know why today… but my OCD has been freaking out all day… mostly this afternoon
I guess there could be several causes: (1) started new birth control pack a day late… so it messed up hormones**** or (2) I caused it upon myself because I was channeling my inner OCD perfectionist in order to get my office completely organized they way I like it (compared to the absolute disorganized mess the person I replaced left it in)…
But seriously… where ever I look my greatest OCD fear is there!!!
My Day + OCD Fear
8:15 am- band-aid
I’m just walking to the bus stop… minding my own business… and lo’ and behold!! What is it that is on the ground!!! A bandaid!!! As some of you may have read in another post… bandaids scare the crap out of me… seriously!!! Hep C is sooooo scary!!!!! I’ve been much better at handling them… so thankfully I wasn’t too freaked out about this
…y’all know how I feel about peanut butter… but the only seat available on the bus had a peanut on the seat (and with my whole foot situation right now I prefer to sit rather than stand b/c well… balance isn’t something I have lol)!! At first I didn’t believe it… I was like “no way could that be a peanut… i’m just gonna sit (whatever it was was within this little indent thing so I couldn’t really feel it when I sat)”…. I finally stand up to get off the bus… and guess what! It was a peanut!! seriously!!! So then I start freaking out that i’m going to spread killer peanut materials everywhere!!!! Perhaps I should have cleaned it up so if the person who sat down next was allergic to peanuts they wouldn’t die… OMG!!! is it all my fault someone is going to have an allergic reaction???
Then my day went pretty well until after lunch…
I don’t think I have ever gone into detail on this blog (except a little here) about my fear of batteries… but the idea of what is contained in the battery and the possibility of them exploding and the mercury stuff getting into the water of mexico use to keep me up many nights… but I was completely reorganizing my office area today and what did I come across in random places?? but batteries!! Are they old? Have they been used? Are they new?? I don’t know!! Nor do I have anything to try them out in (and even if I did I would be terrified they would explode on me)… maybe I should just throw them away??? but no!!! You can’t throw away batteries!!! Do they have a way to recycle them here?? What if they don’t and they want me to throw them away??? And then its going to be all my fault that the environment is destroyed!!!!!
Children… everywhere on the city buses (b/c school just got out) Children scare me… mostly because they are sooooo easily contaminatable (my new word lol)…. they don’t have the immune system we have! What if they get sick b/c they get near me or touch my bag or something?? Did my giant purse run into that homeless guy who most likely has germs on him, giving me the germs, and now I just transferred it to the kid???? ahhh!! Protect your child from all contamination!!!
6pm- Biohazard bag
I’m just walking home from the bus stop and what on earth do I almost step on?? but a biohazard bag!! what the crap??? why is that just on the sidewalk!!! Did i accidentally touch it with my foot?? DId my bag touch it??? Am i now biohazardess???
All I want to do is take my puppy outside on a walk… all we are doing is walking to a grass area across the street… but oh look they are redoing the sidewalk… oh wow… their is wet cement… I’ve never gone into my fear about cement on this blog… but again it was a fear that arose around the same time as the whole battery thing (Summer 2011… worst summer of my life..)… but since I don’t feel like reexploring that fear too much b/c I’ll freak myself out more than I am already freaked out… lets just say it scares the crap out of me… so thoughts “Did my puppy get to near the cement???? Was their dry powdery cement near the wet cement that she walked in and then its going to get wet at some point and she is going to have a small encasement of cement on her??? did she digest powdery cement??? did it get on me??? ahhhhhhhhhh!”
So suffice to say… today wasn’t a good day… my OCD hasn’t been this active in a while… I think I will blame both of the reasons above… blah… but still looking on the bright side… I’m actually doing pretty good… I mean part of my brain is turning over and over again… but I don’t really feel anxious… I just know to think “oh whatever… thats just the OCD… I’ll ignore the over active part of my brain right now… if this had been a year and a half ago I would have saw that peanut and gone directly home to hide under my covers… I’m no where near as bad as I was… In fact… I’m even sitting hear already laughing at this post and my thought process because I know I sound pretty crazy… I know everything is going to be fine… which is why I am calm and actually not freaking out at all really… I haven’t washed my hands or changed clothes yet to today… I’m 1,000 times better than I would have been when this all first started… I’m handling it… and I’m so proud of myself
but still… I don’t want to jinx it and accidentally make it turn out into a full out panic attack or something… so for now I’m just going to curl up and watch Warm Bodies (i’ve heard great things about this movie!) and wait for tomorrow to come so I will really be laughing at everything… because the best way to cope with everything is laughter 🙂
I hope y’all are having a great day!
****So random OCD knowledge that might help some of you… when you are menstruating… the loss of blood actually makes your OCD worse b/c with that blood you are also loosing serotonin (which is what we OCDers lack)! So being on birth control helps me maintain my serotonin levels hormonally (along with my prozac which I guess is more chemically) and then I know when to expect my serotonin levels to go lower (since the pills make you regular), making it easier to handle the OCD… so yea something that may be helpful for some of y’all to know! Its much easier to handle my OCD certain times of the month now that I take birth control.