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Living/Talking Germ

One of the worst things for an OCDer with contamination issues is getting sick…

While many (if not most) OCDers of this persuasion fear themselves getting sick, I actually do not care if I am sick. What I care about is if I am sick and I get someone else sick.

I have a cold (and me being the melodramatic individual I am… it means that I’m close to death lol). I was terrified to go into work today. I knew there wasn’t much work for me to do (the main boss is out of town), so even though I felt like crap I would be able to do the little work that I needed to do….

But I was still freaking out… many of the people at my work have small kids… What if one of them got sick because I was sick and made their little one sick??? I couldn’t bare the thought of that…

But still I had to go to work, b/c technically I’m not allowed to take any vacation/sick days until after 6 months of being there or risked not getting paid… and with my shopping habit.. I needed to be paid…

So I went to work… It actually wasn’t as bad as I thought… I kept some hand sanitizer near by… and stayed away from the kitchen like the plague lived within it… and maybe washed my hands a little more than twice the time of a normal individual would when sick… but hey… I made it… I survived the day… and I don’t think I made anyone sick because of sickness!

So while I feel completely and utterly icky… and like i’m a living, breathing (oh wait I guess germs are living.. but do they breathe? I dunno), talking (i’m pretty sure they don’t talk lol) germ… today was a small victory…

One small step for my germs… one giant leap to OCD victory

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Posted by on July 29, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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OCD Everywhere!!!!!

I don’t know why today… but my OCD has been freaking out all day… mostly this afternoon

I guess there could be several causes: (1) started new birth control pack a day late… so it messed up hormones**** or (2) I caused it upon myself because I was channeling my inner OCD perfectionist in order to get my office completely organized they way I like it (compared to the absolute disorganized mess the person I replaced left it in)…

But seriously… where ever I look my greatest OCD fear is there!!!

My Day + OCD Fear

8:15 am- band-aid

I’m just walking to the bus stop… minding my own business… and lo’ and behold!! What is it that is on the ground!!! A bandaid!!! As some of you may have read in another post… bandaids scare the crap out of me… seriously!!! Hep C is sooooo scary!!!!! I’ve been much better at handling them… so thankfully I wasn’t too freaked out about this

8:30am- peanut

y’all know how I feel about peanut butter… but the only seat available on the bus had a peanut on the seat (and with my whole foot situation right now I prefer to sit rather than stand b/c well… balance isn’t something I have lol)!! At first I didn’t believe it… I was like “no way could that be a peanut… i’m just gonna sit (whatever it was was within this little indent thing so I couldn’t really feel it when I sat)”…. I finally stand up to get off the bus… and guess what! It was a peanut!! seriously!!! So then I start freaking out that i’m going to spread killer peanut materials everywhere!!!! Perhaps I should have cleaned it up so if the person who sat down next was allergic to peanuts they wouldn’t die… OMG!!! is it all my fault someone is going to have an allergic reaction???

Then my day went pretty well until after lunch… 

1pm- Batteries

I don’t think I have ever gone into detail on this blog (except a little here) about my fear of batteries… but the idea of what is contained in the battery and the possibility of them exploding and the mercury stuff getting into the water of mexico use to keep me up many nights… but I was completely reorganizing my office area today and what did I come across in random places?? but batteries!! Are they old? Have they been used? Are they new?? I don’t know!! Nor do I have anything to try them out in (and even if I did I would be terrified they would explode on me)… maybe I should just throw them away??? but no!!! You can’t throw away batteries!!! Do they have a way to recycle them here?? What if they don’t and they want me to throw them away??? And then its going to be all my fault that the environment is destroyed!!!!!

5pm- Children

Children… everywhere on the city buses (b/c school just got out) Children scare me… mostly because they are sooooo easily contaminatable (my new word lol)…. they don’t have the immune system we have! What if they get sick b/c they get near me or touch my bag or something?? Did my giant purse run into that homeless guy who most likely has germs on him, giving me the germs, and now I just transferred it to the kid???? ahhh!! Protect your child from all contamination!!!

6pm- Biohazard bag

I’m just walking home from the bus stop and what on earth do I almost step on?? but a biohazard bag!! what the crap??? why is that just on the sidewalk!!! Did i accidentally touch it with my foot?? DId my bag touch it??? Am i now biohazardess???

6:30pm- cement

All I want to do is take my puppy outside on a walk… all we are doing is walking to a grass area across the street… but oh look they are redoing the sidewalk… oh wow… their is wet cement… I’ve never gone into my fear about cement on this blog… but again it was a fear that arose around the same time as the whole battery thing (Summer 2011… worst summer of my life..)… but since I don’t feel like reexploring that fear too much b/c I’ll freak myself out more than I am already freaked out… lets just say it scares the crap out of me… so thoughts “Did my puppy get to near the cement???? Was their dry powdery cement near the wet cement that she walked in and then its going to get wet at some point and she is going to have a small encasement of cement on her??? did she digest powdery cement??? did it get on me??? ahhhhhhhhhh!”

So suffice to say… today wasn’t a good day… my OCD hasn’t been this active in a while… I think I will blame both of the reasons above… blah… but still looking on the bright side… I’m actually doing pretty good… I mean part of my brain is turning over and over again… but I don’t really feel anxious… I just know to think “oh whatever… thats just the OCD… I’ll ignore the over active part of my brain right now… if this had been a year and a half ago I would have saw that peanut and gone directly home to hide under my covers… I’m no where near as bad as I was… In fact… I’m even sitting hear already laughing at this post and my thought process because I know I sound pretty crazy… I know everything is going to be fine… which is why I am calm and actually not freaking out at all really… I haven’t washed my hands or changed clothes yet to today… I’m 1,000 times better than I would have been when this all first started… I’m handling it… and I’m so proud of myself

but still… I don’t want to jinx it and accidentally make it turn out into a full out panic attack or something… so for now I’m just going to curl up and watch Warm Bodies (i’ve heard great things about this movie!) and wait for tomorrow to come so I will really be laughing at everything… because the best way to cope with everything is laughter 🙂

I hope y’all are having a great day!

****So random OCD knowledge that might help some of you… when you are menstruating… the loss of blood actually makes your OCD worse b/c with that blood you are also loosing serotonin (which is what we OCDers lack)! So being on birth control helps me maintain my serotonin levels hormonally (along with my prozac which I guess is more chemically) and then I know when to expect my serotonin levels to go lower (since the pills make you regular), making it easier to handle the OCD… so yea something that may be helpful for some of y’all to know! Its much easier to handle my OCD certain times of the month now that I take birth control.

 
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Posted by on June 7, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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The Ankle

So I know one of my New Years Resolution was to learn how to fail… and I have finally seemed to fail at something this year… BUT THE WORST THING EVER!!!

I failed physical therapy…. hahahahahaha I know!!!! Who on earth fails at physical therapy???

I broke/sprained my ankle two months ago… I sooooo expected to be completely and utterly fine now… but apparently since I had two fractures and a bad sprain… it takes longer? I guess? lol

But I was supposed to finish physical therapy last Friday… but nope.. i’m on the books for more weeks! yay! not! lol

So basically… I’m just whining and laughing at myself and wishing that I could actually walk normally.

I’m out of my walking boot and I have been out of it for like 3 weeks… but I’m only allowed to wear tennis shoes… which btw trying to find work appropriate tennis shoes that aren’t hideous… VERY DIFFICULT! I have sooo many new cute work outfits but they all look funny with tennis shoes… *sigh* I miss wearing pretty heals and flats… I miss walking normally…

And I still haven’t been able to work off my stress weight from the end of the school year which is sooo annoying! I actually have time to work out, but yea… with my ankle and the whole failing physical therapy… not gonna happen anytime soon… plus with my current track record I would probably just break the other ankle lol 😉

So…

Dear Ankle,

HURRY UP AND HEAL PLEASE AND THANK YOU!!!— I don’t like failing! Even if its physical therapy!

Love, the rest of your annoyed body 😉

 
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Posted by on June 5, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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The New Job

So… I kinda sorta really love my new job…

It honestly doesn’t pay much… well technically I’m being paid twice as much as I was being paid as a grad student… but I think it is an absolutely fantastic place to be while I try to figure out my life.

So my new job as I’ve already said in a previous post is as an executive assistant for the founder of a firm here in my city. My boss… is amazing… not just amazing at what he does (even though he is and totally one of the leading people in his field not only the US but the world)… but he is such an adorable old dude and is very much like a grandfather type figure. He is extremely patient with me while I learn completely new vocabulary and this way of life (that is having a life at all lol). And as his executive assistant I basically get to manage his life… which… while I suck at managing my own life… I’m totally amazing at managing other people’s life!!!! lol I’m a control freak! This is what control freaks are best at! hahahahaha

So while I’m sure I will not be spending more than a few years at this job… and its more of a liminal zone than anything… it actually feels more stable than anything else I’ve had in my life.

Yea I have my moments of missing my old academic life. I actually had a friend who I worked in the field with a couple summers ago come and visit this weekend… and I had my moments where I questioned what I was doing… but its undeniable… I am so much more happier than I have been in a really long time… I came home the other day and my roommate turned to me and said “I’ve never seen you this happy. It is so refreshing!”

So overall I’m doing great. Life is pretty wonderful. I love what I do. (AND I’ve only had a very FEW OCD freak outs with this job… I think its because my stress level is down). I’m happy!

But now that I only work 9 to 5…I don’t know what to do with myself… Its rather lonely actually..

I’m not sure how to make friends outside of school… and the summer isn’t helping… all the friends I made at school are either off doing field work or visiting family.. and my bible study group has disbanded for the summer since everyone has various plans…

But anyways…to recap: I’m happy!! WEEEEEEEE 😉

 
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Posted by on June 2, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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Changed Life

Well guys… its been almost a month… it has been only 15 day though since I’ve started my new life… and my life is soooo incredibly different… and I absolutely love it!!!

I have soooo much to update you guys on!! but where to begin???? Sorry I haven’t written in so long! I’ve been trying to get my new footing and it has left me extremely exhausted in the evenings! Even too exhausted to write!! But I promise! Cross my heart that I will update everyone on all the happiness that now fills my life!!! (and I am happy without a guy!! seriously!… well I wouldn’t mind at all to have a bf… particularly ex-bf back… but whatever I can be happy without a bf because look at me I’m happy now!!)

But anyway! Expect lots of posts in the days to come!!

 
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Posted by on May 30, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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Finishing the End to Start the Beginning

SO the semester is almost over… thats why I haven’t posted much… much stress inducingness…

BUT I also have exciting news…

This last week was the last week of classes and this coming week is Finals. One of my finals was due last week, one is due on monday, I have to finish grading essays ASAP, and then I have to proctor my students’ exam on Wednesday.

So I really have a lot to do and yet so little at the same time. A lot because that is a lot of work in one sitting, but so little because I AM ALMOST DONE.

BUT this past week I also had an interview with a firm in my city for a position as executive assistant. I was told about the job on Monday by a recruiting agency (I’ve only been working with them since the week before this one and this was the first job that they thought I would be a great candidate for!), they gave the firm my resume on Tuesday, I was called Thursday for an interview on Friday, had the two interviews on Friday, one in the early morning with the HR personnel and then with my actual boss in the afternoon… and 20 minutes after I had left they called me to offer me the job!!!!!

I am SO uber excited about this. From the moment I walked into the firm, I just knew it was a place that I could fit in and work well. It had a wonderful atmosphere. THe individuals I met were some of the most warming people I had ever met.

I can’t believe that I have a job! And in a wonderful place! I know its going to be the perfect place for me to be while I try to figure out what I want out of life.

We haven’t figured out my exact start date yet, because there is some issue of the exact leave date of the individual I’m replacing… but still I HAVE A JOB!!!

School is basically over… but it isn’t over… I have to finish these last two essays and the grading… yea I could do them poorly because I’m done with academia… but if I ever return to academia even for a short while… your transcripts follow you everywhere… so I don’t want to bomb…. I just want this ending to be finished already!!! I want to start my new beginning!!!!!!

 
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Posted by on May 4, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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