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Monthly Archives: February 2012

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I got into a PhD program with a stipend!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I AM SO SHOCKED! After THE WORST semester of my life and battling with OCD some school still wants me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You can be an academic and have OCD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

P.S. I’ll write about my….interesting…date later lol

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Posted by on February 27, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

Newest OCD freak out:

So I am freaking out about something new. Well not really new. I just haven’t had to deal with it for over a year and didn’t have a name for what I was freaking out about then.

What is it you ask?

The obsession: That I am grading my students’ papers wrong and its going to be all my fault that they fail, then their family won’t love them anymore, they will drop out of college, become a hobo, and DIE.

The compulsion: Giving my students higher grades than they deserve.

This is my second time TAing. This was something I was freaked out about my first time TAing last year, but not to this extent.

I’m just so freaked out that it will be all my fault if they fail this class! And well technically it is since I give them all their grades! What if I am accidentally more harsh on one student than the other??? What if I am too nice on one paper that definitely doesn’t deserve it??

AAAAHHHHH. Someone want to do this for me? I’ll give you my pay check. 😦

 
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Posted by on February 23, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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!!!!!!!!!!

I have a date this weekend!! Me!!! Omg! Maybe I do have pheromones!!

This is my first date since… well you don’t want to know!!!!

What am I going to wear????? Polyvore here I come to figure that out!

 
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Posted by on February 22, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

Why I Will Never be Happy…

Yes this is a “my life sucks” post… so unless you want to become more depressed don’t read this….

Reasons I will never be happy…

(1) I don’t know how to be happy. There are moments in life when I am “happy”… but those are just moments. I don’t know how to let that happiness continue beyond just a moment.

(2) I am unhappy when I am by myself, but I NEED me time. Some days I am around people CONSTANTLY, especially at school. When I come home at the end of the day, all I want is time to myself. Not homework time… not talk to friends time… me time.

(3) All I ever do is wish to have fun and excitement and when I do… I can’t enjoy it. I went out with friends last night. We saw an awesome ballet, which I enjoyed. But could I have fun with my friends? nope not really… all I ever do when I am with others is think about how miserable I am and how I will never be as fun and carefree as they.

(4) I love someone who could not and will not ever love me. All this love causes me is pain, but I can’t let him go.

(5) I hide my emotions to well.

(6) I will never be the beautiful individual I so ardently want to be.

(7) I have no energy for life… not even enough to make this a long post that explains everything…. maybe I’ll find energy later.

(8) My OCD won’t stop tormenting me.

(9) I don’t know who I am.

…………………..

 
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Posted by on February 19, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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It is official… I am a Masochist

So. As we all know, I got rejected. I talked to my advisor today and he was extremely kind. He explained the situation and made sure to let me know that my rejection had nothing to do with my academic merit, but the department’s own lack of funding and such.

I mean obviously they still didn’t want me. Out of 7 people, 2 were accepted and 2 wait listed… so I was one of the three they definitely didn’t want. *Sigh*

But ANYWAY this isn’t a sad post. This is actually a “when one door closes another opens” post!

There is a strong possibility that I am going to be doing fieldwork next month!

This is great! Especially considering so many other things that I can’t really talk about because I don’t want to give to many details about my life! I’m SO excited!

BUT. Fieldwork (well getting sick during it) caused my OCD. Fieldwork killed me last summer. Am I ready to jump back into it? Am i ready for this? I don’t know. I’m scared. But all of this seems to be completely out of my hands and being talked about by my superiors.

I mean I don’t know if this is going to happen. But… I don’t want last summer to happen again. But now that I know I have OCD and how it affects me, and now that I am so much better… I should be able to handle it….?

 
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Posted by on February 16, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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Change and Hope

I am so tired of change.

I used to love change. With my parents’ jobs changing a lot I was subjected to lots of moving around. I never lived anywhere longer than 3.5 years.

I knew I was wrong to hope. Hope gets you no where. But I was just rejected from the PhD program at the location that I am currently getting my MA.

I pretended that I didn’t care. I told myself that it was better to think the worse and then be pleasantly surprised compared to thinking I will get in and then be sorely disappointed. I thought I was doing the former, but secretly I “hoped” I was going to get in. How could I not?

But see… there is the problem….hope. It is not real. It just sets you up for disappointment.

I was so sure that I was finally going to be able to call a place “home.” I’ve never really known what it is like to have a home in terms of geographical location. I thought I was going to get it here. But no. They don’t want me. I am not good enough.

 
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Posted by on February 15, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

Laundry and PhD Programs

Hmmm… Laundry and PhD programs… what possibly could these two things have in common??? My OCD! lol

So as I said in my last post, my OCD is doing MUCH better. I am extremely functional, but I do have my ups and downs. I have been taking one fear at a time. Like I used to be extremely obsessive about possible contamination on my shoes. Anytime that I handled my shoes (such as putting them on or tying them) I HAD to wash my hands. I have now gotten to the point that I don’t HAVE to wash my hands even though I still have a really strong urge to do it. Every once in a while I slip and physically NEED to wash my hands, but thankfully that is slowly becoming rarer.

Something I have not been able to overcome though is laundry. The picture below is a picture of the amount of laundry I have accumulated in less than a week.

Laundry honestly freaks me out. You go out into the world wearing one outfit. You sit on things other people have sat on. The bottom of your jeans touch who knows what on the ground. You get who knows what on you. And then you know your own body sweat and stuff gets on them. Clothes to me are EXTREMELY contaminating.

When I get home in the evenings the first thing I do is change to another outfit. Usually I change into something comfortable (such as sweat pants) and just end up wearing that as PJs. But then this leads to the problem that since I put this on at like 6pm the idea of rewearing PJs the next day is a complete and utter no go. Even if I didn’t get into my Pjs until midnight, I still can’t reware them. So basically I go through 2 outfits a day. Also, don’t forget those days in which something ‘contaminating’ happens to an outfit so I have to switch clothes. Then there is again the whole fact that I can’t rewear clothes without washing at all. I mean I know some people will wear jeans and sweaters multiple times prior to washing, but ut this is something I cannot do, and is actually really bad for my clothes. I was always told growing up that you didn’t need to wash sweaters that much since you had a shirt on underneath. But I am not really that afraid of what my own body will put on the sweater, but the outside contaminates getting on it.

So also I am one of those people who have to use a new towel every day after getting out of the shower. I know this isn’t energy efficient, and logic says that when you dry off your clean body your towel is still clean. But I can’t do it. What if your towel accidentally hits something that isn’t clean and then gets contaminated and then you dry off the next day with a contaminated towel?

 

I also have a problem with drying my hair with the same towel that I dry my body off with. What if I missed washing a part of my body really well and so got the towel contaminated and then I contaminated my hair? So I usually use a separate towel/ shirt (if I don’t have an extra towel) to dry my hair. So basically this all ends up in this huge pile of clothes/towels/hand towels (I’m the worst about these because who knows what gets on your hand towel, if you just rinsed your hands off instead of completely soaping them up) at the far end of my room. At $1.50 to wash and $1.75 to dry let me tell you, this gets pretty pricey. At the beginning of my OCD I was probably spending $60 a month on laundry. Honestly. I haven’t gotten much better. I’m probably at $45.

Laundry is just terrifying! And then when I actually go to wash my laundry, I am terrified of touching my dirty clothes and then the washing machine, because I don’t want to contaminate the washing machine! So I have a ritual: (1) Use clean laundry bag to collect dirty clothes (a) use left hand to hold bag… keep hand from being contaminated by clothes (b) use right hand to pile dirty clothes in (c) once all clothes are in, switch hands in which the bag is in so that uncontaminated hand can be used to open doors (2) get down to basement using left hand (uncontaminated to open doors and washing machine door) (3) Put money in washing machine and Open soap thingy with uncontaminated hand but use contaminated hand in order to poor soap in (I’m a right hander so that hand is needed for coordination. I have designated my soap container contaminated so its ok. I won’t touch it with my uncontaminated hand). (4) Use contaminated hand to then unload bag into washing machine also throw bag into washing machine after clothes are in (5) close washing machine door with left (uncontaminated hand) (6) go back up stairs using left hand to open doors. (7) turn on sink with left hand (8) wash hands and portions of arms in which contaminated clothes touched. THE END.

So as you can see… Laundry is scary!!!! and mentally exhausting! So that is why I accumulate such a large pile, because it’s so exhausting to get laundry done!

And now I’m also obsessing about PhD programs. I applied to 4 schools. I know for a fact that I am supposed to be hearing back from the school I currently go to on Wednesday or Thursday. Another school I’m supposed to find out in “mid february” (which is now) and the other two I have no idea. So I’m in this constant state of panic.

I don’t want to get in! I want to get in! What If I do get in??? What if I don’t get in??? Why do I care??? Why do I not care enough??? Its like I have multiple personalities in which I just can’t make up my mind about what I want or what I want to hope for.

If I don’t get in I am going to be  HUGE FAILURE. My OCD is telling me my family will never love me again, and my life will be over. But I don’t want to get in, because well see other posts. But some days like today I really love what I do. But the bad days out weigh the good days, but in the end is it worth it???

AAARRRRGGGGGGG.

I’m scared about either result I get. This is a lose lose situation. 😦

 
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Posted by on February 14, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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