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Sneak Attack

I’ve been feeling a little off for most of the day. I pulled an allnighter on Tuesday to get a paper done for Wednesday. Apparently I’m getting too old for allnighters… and the moment I got home on Wednesday around 1pm I fell asleep… until 7pm… and then I was up for about three hours and fell back to sleep around 1030 or 11… I then meant to wake up at like 6am since I had gotten so much sleep… but I didn’t wake up until 1000… thankfully thursdays are my only late school days…

And all that sleep just made me more tired… so I was basically a walking zombie all day. I then went out to dinner and on my way back… I randomly had an all out panic attack.

I haven’t had a full blown panic attack that bad in over a year… I really don’t understand what brought it on…

can my weird sleep cycle have done it for me? I haven’t been taking my Klonopin for the majority of this semester b/c my psychiatrist and I decided I didn’t really need it anymore… but I had to take it again today in order to stop the panic attack… and it takes 45 min to kick in… so that wasn’t fun…

I just don’t understand… why did this randomly happen??

not cool body/brain… not cool… I’m just gonna go to sleep now where you can’t make me have more panic attacks…

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Posted by on April 25, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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I just want to be happy…

I know why I am so down right now.

I’m trying to write a paper. And anytime I’m stressed, I get pretty depressed and anxious about life.

But honestly… all I want out of life is to be happy.

I’ve been unhappy for so long…. I mean there have been moments when I am happy… but those are just blips on the radar not a reflection of what is really there.

Before the Ex was my Ex… I was truly happy. He made me sooooo incredibly happy. Even when things were bad, I just needed to look to him and I would see joy in the world. And it wasn’t b/c he was a particularly optimistic person… in fact he was rather pessimistic… but often in me trying to correct his pessimistic views I would see the optimism in the world.

I guess I should try to do that too myself. My brain (well the OCD) is very pessimistic… why can’t I just tell it what I told the Ex about how being optimistic is good for your soul and everyone surrounding you?

I’m happy in situations in which I am needed. I thrive in being needed. So when the Ex broke up with me… I was no longer needed. He can easily survive without me… but b/c he was the only one at the time who needed me I couldn’t/can’t survive without him.

That is why it took me so long to finally end things with Fred… because I knew that I needed to be needed… and though he ended up making me feel like I was only needed for sex… I felt that deep down he needed me just to remind him that there is good in the world. He needed me. I had a purpose. But then I realized he was totally manipulating me and using me. Now that the Ex has broken up with me, I keep having thoughts of going back to Fred. I know its a horrible idea… but why do I have these thoughts? It’s because I want to be needed and I hope he would need me the right way (although I highly doubt in a 1,000 years he will realize how to need someone the right way).

But if I thrive on being needed, does that mean I thrive on being used?

No, I don’t think so… because I think in case of need people won’t take more than they are in need of and in terms of being used a person just takes and takes and takes without giving anything in return.

I don’t feel needed in academia.

I feel needed in my family. But OCD often gets in my way, creating fears… so when I finally feel happy about being needed… OCD takes over and tells me I’m ruining everyone’s life by my need to be happy.

It just some times I feel like if I wasn’t here no one would notice my absence. I could easily be replaced by someone else… such as in the fact that the Ex is already back on the online dating website that we met on looking for a person to replace me… because he doesn’t need me anymore for his happiness. He is completely happy without me.

But should I be content and happy on my own? I unfortunately though don’t think I am programed that way. Even if I had everything in the world, I think I would be miserable if I wasn’t needed.

Also when it comes to the Ex… I think its partly because before I met him I was sooooo incredibly miserable with all the Fred stuff that he just made me go from soooo low to sooooo high and now I’m facing whiplash from that. I’m no where near as down as I was with the Fred stuff. I’m so glad that I’m not. But now that I’ve had a taste of that happiness. I want it back. I NEED it back.

… I just want to be needed.

… I just want to be happy.

 
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Posted by on April 24, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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The Bend and Snap…

So yea…. the Legally Blonde approved “Bend and Snap”

Totally doesn’t look good on crutches… but TOTALLY works… 😛

Had many hot guys open the doors for me and reach things for me I couldn’t get to today lol 😉

 
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Posted by on April 9, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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My sad sad life…

I’m seriously the most confused individual… I received a sign today about what I should do with my life… Its obviously a sign… but what on earth is it indicating???

So… today… I had a meeting at 11:30am with the grad advisor of my program… thinking about it all week and talking it over today with my therapist I was decided that this was going to be my last semester.

I was completely decided. I knew this was the choice I was going to make. I was scared to death… scared I was making the wrong choice… scared that I would still have to go to the field… scared that they would convince me to stay…

I had an appointment at 10:00am with my therapist to talk it through. We did. My decision was made.

I left for my 11:30am meeting to talk with my advisor. I was going down the steps on the subway… to be honest I was looking down at my phone reading an email… I don’t really know what happened except that I missed a step and fell forward/sideways… I heard a crack…

A kind man going down the stairs stayed with me to ensure I was ok… I wasn’t ok but I was trying to pretend that I was b/c I couldn’t have broken anything… I have never broken a bone in my life… it was just a sprain… I had to get to school for my meeting…a person who works for the subway system heard my fall and asked if I needed the paramedics… I kindly refused… refusing to believe I needed them… continuing down the stairs and getting to a bench… i almost passed out… but I thought it was just bc I had strained myself…

The subway finally came and as I walked onto the subway my vision completely went away… I could still walk but I couldn’t see anymore and I knew I was about to pass out… I almost sat on someone b/c I was just going for where I hoped there was a seat… people realized there was something wrong with me… they asked me if I was ok and where my stop was so they could ensure I got off at the right place…

I got off the subway at school… and I just knew I couldn’t walk anymore… I sat on a bench… called my roommate and told her what had happened… it would be awhile til she could get to me so I decided to get an ambulance… I flagged down a nice looking undergrad boy to go ask a subway personal to call the paramedics… the stranger boy was so kind… and stayed with me until the subway personal came and the paramedics… I wish I would have gotten his name so I could thank him…

but anyway… my first ambulance ride… get taken to the hospital… spend most of the day there… my roommate comes to my aid thankfully… after several xrays and a ct scan… it was determined that I broke my talus (the first foot bone that connects to your long bones)… and that a piece of my bone was sticking 2mm up…

So now… I’m in a non permanent cast until I can get casted on Monday… its going to take 6-8 weeks to heal… I def can’t go to Mexico now considering I was supposed to go in 4 weeks…

But this happened right before I was supposed to quit? Is that saying that I shouldn’t quit and that my prayers are being answered now that I have a legit excuse to not go into the field? Or does it mean I just need to tell my school “Fuck it I’m done” (excuse the language)… b/c I honestly have no idea how I’m going to get to and from school… Its a 30min to 45 min commute that requires lots of walking… and places with no elevators… and I have to walk all over campus… how on earth am I going to do that on crutches??

So obviously… this happened… and this happened for a reason… but what on earth does it mean?????? What was the odds that the first time I ever broke a bone would be the day I was going to change my life??? Its so hilariously sad… but I don’t know what it means!!!!!

My life seriously needs to be a comedic drama…

 
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Posted by on April 5, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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Decisions, Decisions

So yes… I am partly writing this post in order to avoid doing work… but also because I need to figure things out…

In a month and ten days I leave for field work… and I am terrified…

It was the last time I was doing field work (Summer 2011) that made my manageable OCD become severe… it was during field work that I realized that I no longer wanted to live (when my OCD was bad… not now… I def want to live now)… it was during fieldwork that my world fell apart… not that it had really been together… I mean the year before was really manageable (Fall 2010- Spring 2011), actually it was pretty great… but I must admit even though I didn’t know what it was then the year (Spring 2009- Fall 2009) before my good year my OCD was moderate/severe… and thinking about it… it was worse when I was doing field work…

I’ve actually only had one pretty good OCD free field work experience (Spring 2010)… well actually two if you count another time but it was only for two weeks and it wasn’t the aggressive kind of field work I normally do…

but this time around I will only be doing a week or two of the aggressive kind of field work… but its during the less aggressive field work of Summer 2011 that my OCD reached its peak of badness…

Sorry for all the talking in circles… it would be SO much better if I could just describe to yall what I actually did… but my academic field is too small and I fear being discovered lol

Its just my OCD has been really good… I mean in part it might be because of all the drama that has been happening in my life which has been distracting the OCD brain… but I just don’t want to chance it…

My therapist and I started talking about this on Thursday…

and man did my OCD go wild of thinking of all the things that could happen in the field… like it got to the point where my therapist and I were laughing about it… it went something like this..

“And what if I have to throw a battery out while there because its explodes? but you can’t throw batteries out down there because it will leak into the ground and get into the water… and yea it would be a small battery and wouldn’t hurt anyone… but maybe it would cause someone to get cancer! and it would be all my fault that someone would get cancer! and this area is really poor so like they wouldn’t be able to get any treatment… and they would die from a horrible disease just b/c I came down there and my battery exploded!”

and it just kind of goes on and on..

I mean part of me feels like I just need to get back on the horse… but… as my therapist pointed out… sometimes people aren’t ready to get back up on the horse and they try and just make it extremely worse…

I’m scared… I’m scared of getting there and realizing I can’t be there and having to come back… because that would also mean I’m totally done in this field… there would be no return for academia because you can’t have that without the field work… they go hand in hand…

I’m so scared of quitting though… I don’t know what to do with my life if I quit… I don’t know who I am if I quit… I’ve been chasing after this dream since the third grade… I have a 6 page Curriculum Vitae!

I’m also realizing that I am scared of what happens if everything is good during field work? And there is no OCD freak outs? Does that mean I need to continue in this field? Does that mean I’m supposed to be in academia?

I’m scared of continuing… I’m scared of quitting… I’m scared of not knowing…

I’m scared…

 
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Posted by on March 30, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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New Years

So every year I make New Years resolutions… and do I ever carry them out? I’m going to say 99% of the time no… but let us review my resolutions that I posted last January and see if I actually carried anything out.

(1) Except on the Friday before my Thesis is due, I am not allowed to do ANY school work on this day (except the classes I will be in this day, so basically no school work in the evening).

(2) Use this Friday freedom to have FUN. Not sitting around watching sappy love stories or Say Yes to the Dress. Like real fun. With REAL PEOPLE (who are not my roommate and cats).

(3) Stop believing that I am going to fail. And telling all my friends I am going to fail prior to any assignment being due. This not only annoys them but also annoys myself. I know it all has to do with me being a perfectionist, which is related to my OCD which tells me that if I don’t do perfect my parents will no longer love me, I will be kicked out of my home, and I will fail at life. In order to be a perfectionist I have to be in a perfect state of panic which is why I call/text all my friends that “I am going to fail.” THIS NEEDS TO STOP.

(4) Have a life outside of academia…possible bf? (HAH! Not sure if this can happen)

(5) Learn to cry. I don’t really cry. Except when I am freaking out about OCD things. So prior to this semester I probably cried once a year max (usually when my mom yelled at me). I have such a shield around myself that I don’t allow any emotion in (besides that of panic and terror). I need to learn to feel emotion again. Even if it is just the ability to cry at a sad movie on TV.

(6) (a) If I get into a PhD program with money… to give it my all but not lose myself.

(6)(b) If I don’t get into a PhD program with money (which is very possible, especially in terms of the WITH money), don’t lose myself. Find a job. That pays. DONT MOVE BACK HOME. Figure out what I really want to do in my life. Find out about volunteering with the OCD Foundation.

(7) Loose ONE Pant size! I just want to be a size 6 again… I miss those days SOO much. But do this by eating healthy and exercising. Right now I’m loosing weight b/c my prozac has made me lose my appetite… which is actually bad b/c now I have extremely low blood pressure and don’t get enough protein etc. So I need to somehow balance actually eating with healthy weight lose.

(8) Get 8 hours of sleep MOST nights. And sleep in on Saturdays (till nine am).

Ok Let us see…
(1) I did so so on this one… mostly b/c I had no will power so I didn’t do homework on fridays… but this semester I was guilty of doing most of my grading on Friday nights… that isn’t homework… so does that count?

(2) Yea I failed terribly at this one… I’m really bad about having fun… isn’t that sad?

(3) yea… no… I’m always going to fail… I’m failing life…

(4) this actually happened… things didn’t happen the way I wanted them too and my life outside of academia wasn’t all that life like but it was really great for my first time at having a life I think

(5) Yea… I cried a lot this semester… I still need to work on my ‘vulnerability’ but… I had more waterworks this semester then my whole life lol

(6) Got into a PhD program with money… but didn’t give it my all… though I did end up with all As this semester… but I know I could have done better on a lot of different points

(7) Ha! I wish

(8)… Hahahaha… another I wish…

Well all in all… at least I did kinda accomplish some of my new years resolutions.

I’m now going to try to create more resolutions for this year that are actually attainable… and I’m going to do it in terms of semester since that is how my brain works…. so the following are New Years Resolution for the Spring 2013 Semester

(1) Don’t worry about loosing weight… but seriously exercise… AT LEAST two times a week… Yes I do exercise in everyday life in the fact that I don’t have a car and I walk everywhere… but I need to hit the gym… it is good for the heart/body/soul/etc

(2) Figure out what I want to do with my life. Do I want to continue pursuing my PhD or does God have another calling for me?

(3) Do not compromise other important aspects of life for academia… this I believe will be the hardest. My OCD makes me feel like if I don’t put 100% of my time into my studies that I will fail life… but this isn’t healthy. So this semester I’m going to go to church EVERY sunday (unless you know I’m sick or something), work out twice a week, have one night a week that I have to be social, and carve out a time to have a hobby. Yes I’m taking more classes this semester than I was last semester… but it is the load I should be taking… and you know what if I can’t handle it and life then obviously I shouldn’t be in the program I am in. I can’t compromise my well being for academia… I think that is one of the things that pushed my OCD off the deep end last year… I compromised my mental well being for academia… I’m not going to do that again

(4) Learn how to accept compliments… I have a serious issue with this.

(5) Learn how to be less controlling… again… I have serious issues with this… I need to learn to accept people for the amazing people that they are and not try to dictate how they behave b/c I think it is what is best. My way is def not the best way.

(6) And last, but certainly not least… actually the most important… work on my relationship with God. He is who I should turn too for my loneliness, sadness, heartache and no one else… He will always provide for me, whether it be through gaining a significant other or just being at complete peace with myself, if I give Him my love in return.

Ok… so let us see how these 6 resolutions start for my new year… My “New Year” will officially start January 8th since that is when my life starts to become mine again and not dictated by my family whom I live with during Winter Break (Yea… I wanted to cut this break much shorter, but due to family obligations I couldn’t).

Maybe this year will be better than last… you know what… positivism… I need more of that in my life… so instead of maybe– This year WILL be better than last year.

I hope all of you have had Happy Holidays!

 
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Posted by on January 2, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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Hurts so bad…

My heart hurts so bad… like seriously to the point I can’t concentrate or even breathe properly…

I have sooooooooo much work to do for school that its unbelievable. I have no idea how on earth I will be able to get it done… even if my heart wasn’t breaking I don’t think I could get all this work done.

So many thoughts are going through my mind…

 
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Posted by on November 20, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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