This blog originally started with me overcoming my OCD.
Then it evolved into getting over an abusive relationship.
I haven’t posted since I last spoke to him. So it seems fitting on today, the day in which my Fred saga ends, that I wish my official farewell to this blog.
I have changed throughout this blog…. and the thing is… I’m no longer defined by my OCD. I’m not over it at all, but it doesn’t control my life anymore.
I’m no longer defined by Fred. Am I over Fred? I wish I could say that I am… but somehow memories of him still haunt me… but he doesn’t control my life anymore. But today… this haunting… is one step closer to ending.
Fred is moving away from the area of the US I call my home. He is moving away and, due to the fact that he is taking up with the military, won’t have communication with the outside world beyond letters. I moved from where he knew me to live, so he can’t contact me there via postal service.
I don’t have to fear that one day I will wake up hearing from him, knowing that I have very fragile strength to resist him. Knowing that once again I will fall into his trap due to an unexplainable and extremely toxic connection. I’m relieved he is leaving, but i’m soooo incredibly heartbroken for reasons I can’t explain.
Maybe its more over the sadness of a chapter finally closing or the sadness of a lack of drama that will now be in my life (b/c we all know i’m a drama queen).
I don’t love him. But yet i’m feeling all these feels….
I just have to get through tonight… and then the Fred Saga will be over…
Thanks to all of you who have listened to me complain and whine about my boy issues and my OCD.
But I”m ready to move on now.
Although it hurts so bad for reasons I can’t explain, I’m closing one chapter and going to the next.
It never takes too long.
No matter what I say or do
I’ll still feel you here ’til the moment I’m gone.
You hold me without touch.
You keep me without chains.
I never wanted anything so much
Than to drown in your love and not feel your rain.
Set me free,
Leave me be.
I don’t wanna fall another moment into your gravity
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I’m supposed to be.
But you’re on to me and all over me.
Oh, you loved me ’cause I’m fragile
When I thought that I was strong.
But you touch me for a little while
And all my fragile strength is gone.
I live here on my knees
As I try to make you see
That you’re everything I think I need here on the ground.
But you’re neither friend nor foe
Though I can’t seem to let you go.
The one thing that I still know is that you’re keeping me down.
You’re keeping me down, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
You’re on to me, on to me, and all over…
Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.