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I just want to be happy…

I know why I am so down right now.

I’m trying to write a paper. And anytime I’m stressed, I get pretty depressed and anxious about life.

But honestly… all I want out of life is to be happy.

I’ve been unhappy for so long…. I mean there have been moments when I am happy… but those are just blips on the radar not a reflection of what is really there.

Before the Ex was my Ex… I was truly happy. He made me sooooo incredibly happy. Even when things were bad, I just needed to look to him and I would see joy in the world. And it wasn’t b/c he was a particularly optimistic person… in fact he was rather pessimistic… but often in me trying to correct his pessimistic views I would see the optimism in the world.

I guess I should try to do that too myself. My brain (well the OCD) is very pessimistic… why can’t I just tell it what I told the Ex about how being optimistic is good for your soul and everyone surrounding you?

I’m happy in situations in which I am needed. I thrive in being needed. So when the Ex broke up with me… I was no longer needed. He can easily survive without me… but b/c he was the only one at the time who needed me I couldn’t/can’t survive without him.

That is why it took me so long to finally end things with Fred… because I knew that I needed to be needed… and though he ended up making me feel like I was only needed for sex… I felt that deep down he needed me just to remind him that there is good in the world. He needed me. I had a purpose. But then I realized he was totally manipulating me and using me. Now that the Ex has broken up with me, I keep having thoughts of going back to Fred. I know its a horrible idea… but why do I have these thoughts? It’s because I want to be needed and I hope he would need me the right way (although I highly doubt in a 1,000 years he will realize how to need someone the right way).

But if I thrive on being needed, does that mean I thrive on being used?

No, I don’t think so… because I think in case of need people won’t take more than they are in need of and in terms of being used a person just takes and takes and takes without giving anything in return.

I don’t feel needed in academia.

I feel needed in my family. But OCD often gets in my way, creating fears… so when I finally feel happy about being needed… OCD takes over and tells me I’m ruining everyone’s life by my need to be happy.

It just some times I feel like if I wasn’t here no one would notice my absence. I could easily be replaced by someone else… such as in the fact that the Ex is already back on the online dating website that we met on looking for a person to replace me… because he doesn’t need me anymore for his happiness. He is completely happy without me.

But should I be content and happy on my own? I unfortunately though don’t think I am programed that way. Even if I had everything in the world, I think I would be miserable if I wasn’t needed.

Also when it comes to the Ex… I think its partly because before I met him I was sooooo incredibly miserable with all the Fred stuff that he just made me go from soooo low to sooooo high and now I’m facing whiplash from that. I’m no where near as down as I was with the Fred stuff. I’m so glad that I’m not. But now that I’ve had a taste of that happiness. I want it back. I NEED it back.

… I just want to be needed.

… I just want to be happy.

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Posted by on April 24, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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I miss you…

I miss you so much… but I’m so incredibly glad you were in my life for the short time that you were. The happiness you brought me allows me to be thankful and smile through my wounded heart.

 
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Posted by on April 15, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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Making what is broken beautiful

kintsukuroi- (n.) (v. phr.)- “to repair with gold”; the art of repairing pottery with gold or silver lacquer and understanding that the piece is more beautiful for having been broken

I am kintsukuroi.

I am stronger than I ever was before. I am more vulnerable than I ever was before. I understand the pain that others can cause you. And I understand the complete and utter joy you can find with others.

These past two years have been really rough for me. Between the OCD and the guy drama some days I don’t know how I get up in the morning. But I always have and I will continue to always will.

I am not the same person I was two years ago. I am completely different. I can still see glimpses of that girl, but I’ve become something more beautiful, stronger, and more me.

It hurts to see others as broken as I was and for them not to see the potential of beauty that they have. I wish I could repair them with gold myself, but I can’t. Only they can do that.

What was broken is the most beautiful.

 
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Posted by on April 12, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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My sad sad life…

I’m seriously the most confused individual… I received a sign today about what I should do with my life… Its obviously a sign… but what on earth is it indicating???

So… today… I had a meeting at 11:30am with the grad advisor of my program… thinking about it all week and talking it over today with my therapist I was decided that this was going to be my last semester.

I was completely decided. I knew this was the choice I was going to make. I was scared to death… scared I was making the wrong choice… scared that I would still have to go to the field… scared that they would convince me to stay…

I had an appointment at 10:00am with my therapist to talk it through. We did. My decision was made.

I left for my 11:30am meeting to talk with my advisor. I was going down the steps on the subway… to be honest I was looking down at my phone reading an email… I don’t really know what happened except that I missed a step and fell forward/sideways… I heard a crack…

A kind man going down the stairs stayed with me to ensure I was ok… I wasn’t ok but I was trying to pretend that I was b/c I couldn’t have broken anything… I have never broken a bone in my life… it was just a sprain… I had to get to school for my meeting…a person who works for the subway system heard my fall and asked if I needed the paramedics… I kindly refused… refusing to believe I needed them… continuing down the stairs and getting to a bench… i almost passed out… but I thought it was just bc I had strained myself…

The subway finally came and as I walked onto the subway my vision completely went away… I could still walk but I couldn’t see anymore and I knew I was about to pass out… I almost sat on someone b/c I was just going for where I hoped there was a seat… people realized there was something wrong with me… they asked me if I was ok and where my stop was so they could ensure I got off at the right place…

I got off the subway at school… and I just knew I couldn’t walk anymore… I sat on a bench… called my roommate and told her what had happened… it would be awhile til she could get to me so I decided to get an ambulance… I flagged down a nice looking undergrad boy to go ask a subway personal to call the paramedics… the stranger boy was so kind… and stayed with me until the subway personal came and the paramedics… I wish I would have gotten his name so I could thank him…

but anyway… my first ambulance ride… get taken to the hospital… spend most of the day there… my roommate comes to my aid thankfully… after several xrays and a ct scan… it was determined that I broke my talus (the first foot bone that connects to your long bones)… and that a piece of my bone was sticking 2mm up…

So now… I’m in a non permanent cast until I can get casted on Monday… its going to take 6-8 weeks to heal… I def can’t go to Mexico now considering I was supposed to go in 4 weeks…

But this happened right before I was supposed to quit? Is that saying that I shouldn’t quit and that my prayers are being answered now that I have a legit excuse to not go into the field? Or does it mean I just need to tell my school “Fuck it I’m done” (excuse the language)… b/c I honestly have no idea how I’m going to get to and from school… Its a 30min to 45 min commute that requires lots of walking… and places with no elevators… and I have to walk all over campus… how on earth am I going to do that on crutches??

So obviously… this happened… and this happened for a reason… but what on earth does it mean?????? What was the odds that the first time I ever broke a bone would be the day I was going to change my life??? Its so hilariously sad… but I don’t know what it means!!!!!

My life seriously needs to be a comedic drama…

 
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Posted by on April 5, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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Belonging

Ok… so I know I said that I am going to keep to my positive attitude… but I think in order to fully embody that I need to recognize everything that is holding me back from having that attitude come naturally.

I was recently having a heart-to-heart with a friend I’ll call Jodie, and it kind of hit me during that conversation what one of my underlying issues is…

I hardly ever feel like I belong.

There have been very rare moments in my life when I truly felt like I belonged where I was at…

I think much of this has to do with the fact that I have never lived anywhere longer than 3.25 years… My family moved around a lot when I was growing up… In elementary school alone I went to seven different schools! It started to slow down though once I got to my middle and high school years. But all in all… including undergrad and grad schools, I have been in 14 different schools (not including two summers that I did undergrad courses at my college near home at two different universities).

In that kind of setting it is really hard to feel like you belong somewhere… always having to leave people, meet new people, and then have to leave new people in order to move again gave me very good life skills I think in understanding people… but has left me in a very vulnerable place. Because I didn’t belong. In fact my last high school I went too was so cliquish that they went out of there way to show me that I didn’t belong by ignoring me even though I had lived there before and knew them from when we were younger.

Then in church settings… cliques are very pervasive among the younger crowd and it was hard to ever find an “in” to having friends… yes I would make a few friends… but always those who were already parts of other cliques that I couldn’t get into, so the time I could really spend with them was limited… and I could never get those few friends together because they were part of different cliques…

And I never belonged at home… My parents… I don’t think they ever MEANT it… often forgot about me… which is odd b/c I am the youngest… but I wasn’t the trouble maker, the first born with all the drama, nor the genius… I was just Brooke… the one never good enough (which my parents more than often pointed out to me) and always under the shadows of her siblings.

I’ve wrote here in this blog about my very best friends who i call on here: Sarah, Riley, Twin, and Tajel… I love them all to death and they love me… but only two of them have ever met. I’ve written about how lucky I am to have them… because I totally am… but I don’t live anywhere near them… I’m lucky if I get to see them once a year.

So its like I do belong somewhere with them… but on an emotional plane not a physical plane…

I think that is one of the reasons why my drama from last semester affected me so much… because I met someone who made me feel like I physically belonged somewhere… and then to have that taken from me… was kind of devastating… it wasn’t his fault… he couldn’t have known… I mean I didn’t know! But I’m realizing now that that was what made it feel as bad as it did…

I also have this problem with opening up to people… I’m either 100% open to someone or 100% closed to someone… I need to learn how to control it… but when I decide that someone is worth opening up too I give them every bit of me… I put 1000% in the relationship… which well is a bit much for ANYONE to handle… I know I shouldn’t… I should ease into a deep relationship (even just in terms of friendship)… but I have a hard time with that… i’m not sure how to fix this… but it is def something I need to work on… but I’ve been this way since… for as long as I remember… that was why Riley and I had such issues when we first met… I had decided in the 7th grade “hey I trust you! here is me! I’ve decided your special so you must deal with me!”… and well I’m a bit much… I can barely handle myself… which is what made Riley and I enemies for the majority of the first year we knew each other… and it doesn’t help b/c I give so much of me to someone that I then cling onto them… I don’t mean too… but I tend to metaphorically suffocate people… Honestly its kinda like I’m Darla from Finding Nemo… thats kinda depressing…wanting so badly for the fish to play with her, love her, and she ends up killing the fish… I don’t mean too… its not out of ill intent at all! I just want to be loved and belonged so badly…

but once people realize that I am the crazy piece of work I am, they love me… and i’m not saying that just to say that… I really do honestly mean it… when people finally realize my uniqueness, for a lack of a better term lol, I somehow always end up as a “pet”… really… one of the very few times I did feel like I belonged somewhere was the first year of where I got my MA degree.. and I heard people often describe me as the ‘pet’ of the group… everyone loves me, watches out for me, loves to play around with me… but at the end of the day… on a Friday night do you want to hang out with your pet or do you want to hit the town with friends? Which often made me feel lonely… even when I felt like I belonged..

And then when my OCD got bad… I had the whole “I don’t belong here on this planet” thing going on…

But really I’ve been thinking… what is the core fear that my OCD feeds on: That I will accidentally do something to have a negative impact on someone’s life. But why do I think that? …

I think its because deep down I truly don’t believe I belong (which I know is a total lie!), because I’ve hardly ever belonged anywhere… why do I fear somehow negatively impacting someone’s life? Because I don’t belong here in the first place and I am somehow where I am by accident… so I need to keep my head low and avoid eye contact before someone realizes that I don’t belong and kicks me out… I somehow got lost in the shuffle and am extremely thankful to be in the place where I am and I don’t want to do anything to make my blessing of being where I am have a negative impact…if people are going to notice me I want it to be only for good things so that when they realize that I don’t belong they won’t mind as much that I am somehow here.

I dunno… does that make sense? I’m not sure…

But that is really something I need to work on…. feeling like I belong… because I do belong… especially to my friends… even if I am not there physically. And I need not latch on to someone giving them 1000% of me at once b/c then I just end up metaphorically making them claustrophobic until a candle is finally lit (if they actually stick around that long) and they realize I am a beautiful person… or at least I hope I am.

I physically felt like a belonged somewhere with a specific individual last semester… and I gave him too much of me way to quickly… scared him off… I miss that feeling of belonging and not be lonely… but I need to find a way to not rely on someone else to feel that way… I need to find belonging within myself and with God.

After all… “Not all those who Wander are lost.”

 
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Posted by on January 14, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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Easier…

So I thought that since I FINISHED THE SEMESTER (WOOT!!) I would be able to think clearer and things would be easier… but nope… I’m just as sad and heartbroken as ever… if not worse…

 
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Posted by on December 12, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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A Good Day :)

It is rather ironic that often when we are in the most pain we forget who is always there for us. Who no matter how much we screw up loves us so much. Who just wants us to come to Him to be comforted.

It is amazing that even though we ignore Him and push Him away thinking we can get through things on our own that He always reveals how much we mean to Him and how much He love us and how much He wants us to return the love.

I was giving myself a solid week for self pity… I wasn’t sure how easy I was going to be able to end that self pity today… but from the moment I stepped outside this morning I felt God’s love surrounding me.

Today is probably the last warm day that we are going to have before fall/winter fully sets in… but in everything about today… the warmth, the sun, the cool breeze… I was able to feel God’s love and His want for me to be happy.

Yes life sucks sometimes. God never wants to see us hurting, but He can make beauty come from our pain.

I have learned SO MUCH. Especially in regards to myself.

I realize that I need to work on setting boundaries for myself. I’m usually only one extreme or another. I either have all my walls completely up, letting no one in or I put them all down and put my trust and faith completely in someone. Not that the latter thing is bad, but doing that quickly not only makes me vulnerable but it makes me extremely attached to that individual and it makes it hard to let them go. That isn’t good for me nor the individual who may end up seeing me as “clingy” or just overburden with me being my crazy self. lol.

I have heard a lot of good things about the book Boundaries. I think I’m going to buy it and start improving this aspect of myself. I need to learn to have healthy boundaries.

Also, I’m still new to this area and making friends has been difficult. I’ve moved a lot and usually I have no problem making friends. I usually ‘click’ with some people right away. That though hasn’t seem to happen yet with my cohort. My roommate and I are great friends, but we hardly see each other because we have such opposite schedules. So I’m having to learn how to make friends the way I guess normal people do. Besides my roommate I only clicked with only one other person, and as we all know I ruined that. I made that individual the center of my world (besides the fact that I loved him, I think it was just because I had found someone I clicked with so well in a city where I hardly knew anyone), which is unhealthy on SO MANY levels. The only person who should be the center of my world is God.

So yes, I screwed up. I made a mess of my life. But you know what? No mess is too big for God. He is always there to pick me right back up after I fall. He will always love me even though I don’t deserve it and I will always love Him.

God used today to draw me closer to him. The warmth of the day, the feel of the sun on my skin, the cool breeze, and just the general manner of all the people I came into contact with today: all happy and loving life. I also felt beautiful today… yea partly its because I’m wearing this gorgeous dress my parents bought me for my birthday… but it gave me the confidence I needed to enjoy the day and find the beauty in the day.

God is cleaning up the mess I made. I’ve emotionally been a wreck for the past week… but He is always there picking up the pieces. Showing me that His way is the better way. Even though I’m not sure what His way is…He is slowly showing me His plans through life lessons and His love.

I hope all of you had a great day today. God loves you!

 
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Posted by on October 24, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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