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To Fulfill our Humanness

There are many things I wish to say, but I’m not quite sure how to express, to begin, or to articulate it in a coherent manner. The theme though is that of love as represented in the recent exquisitely tragic movies (both which were originally classic books) of Anna Karenina and the Great Gatsby.

What is it about tragic romances that capture our hearts… our souls? Is it because it so closely mirrors that of are own lives? The tragedy that is all around us and the happiness that always evades us?

Ironically we associate love with happiness… goodness… the apex of life… but all that it seems to bring is heartache, tears, and what may feel like the ruin of our hearts. But yet somehow… it is so hard to give up that dream so we grasp for anything that resembles it.

Love is intangible, but yet we reach towards the heavens, trying to defy gravity, ignoring the truth about how high we are and how far we have to go when we fall, trying to grasp the ungraspable with all that is within us. It is only when we fully cling on to that higher branch of the tree (that oddly feels tangible for something that should be intangible) so that it is the only thing that supports us that we realize it isn’t a branch at all, but a snake in disguise… making us fall until we catch ourselves or hit rock bottom….

In Anna Karenina, the love that fueled Anna and Alexis was that of carnal passion. There was an indescribable pull that brought these two people together… but was it “love” in the everlasting sense? If Anna hadn’t married her husband, and she met Alexis… would they have had a marriage that lasted? Their love not only destroyed their lives, but it destroyed their families and all those associated with them… but yet throughout the story you are hoping.. praying… that they would have been able to save their love.. their lives… each other. Why would we root for a couple whose love was nothing but destruction… surely within it there must have been hope… hope that it could have been true.

But then we get to the problem of “hope” in the Great Gatsby. Gatsby believed in nothing but his love for Daisy. It didn’t matter that the past was receding and he couldn’t grasp it, he still hoped with everything in him to rekindle the love they shared in the past. He hoped for love and his dream. And yet with that hope… it only ended in death… His love so pure… was not something that could lead to life… for his love lived in the past and could not thrive in the present.

So if carnal passion nor hope and belief in love can let love thrive… can it truly thrive? How are we to grasp the ungraspable? How are we to reach to the top of the tree without falling to our death? How are we to to see to the success of relationships that may only lead to destruction?

The answer I found was also in Anna Karenina, in the often overlooked side story of Kitty and Levin, which is one of the most underrated romantic stories in literature. It is not a story filled with a lot of carnal passion or extreme acts to show one’s affection but… one of innocence and purity in wanting to find one person to share their life with and give them their all.

I think that is the point of Kitty and Levin’s side story… it is to show the contrast. The carnal passion filled romance of Alexis and Anna brought only destruction, sorrow, and eventual death, but the love and romantic passion of Kitty and Levin created life.

Even when Levin thought all hope was lost and that Kitty did not love him… he continued on with his life. He did not fade away into the wind when his hope left him. He sought for understanding and reason. At points he may have stumbled and lost some hope, but he continued on… that is what is important… he brushed himself off and continued on walking through life… and when he was ready he was able to once again open the door… and his love, Kitty, came running to him.

At the end of the movie, he comes to understand that the whole time… he lived for love… and that is what kept him going… for the majority of time it was not for romantic love… but all the different forms that love can take: for his people, for his land, for his brother… and it is what gave him satisfaction in his life… it was not for reason that he lived… it was not for hope that he lived… it was not for carnal passion that he lived… but it was for love… in all its forms… for all of life.

In reference to romantic love though… Levin gives a small speech that made me completely love him:

An impure is not love to me. To admire another man’s wife is a pleasant thing but sensual desire indulged for its own sake is greed. And the misuse of something sacred was given to us so that we may choose the one person with whom to fulfill our humanness. Otherwise, we might as well be cattle.

He defines love as choosing “one person with whom to fulfill our humanness.”

Love is not all about that one person, or him, but it is an intangible decision to live your life out with another. Yet also love cannot be contained to one individual. That is how we fall… love must come from all aspects of life to support you if one branch breaks.

I’m not sure if I will ever find that love… I greatly hope for it… but I don’t want to limit my life by it like Gatsby… I want it to be something that adds on to my already good life… allows me to share my life and the wonders of the world I discover with someone else.

I also don’t want to be limited my life and love to only be about passion. Passion is of course important… but I have had my hand in a passion similar to Anna’s and I never want that it again… it only brought destruction.

Even though we can find redeeming qualities in both love stories… I want my love story to mirror that of Kitty and Levin…

I want to find a pure love like Kitty and Levine’s that creates only goodness and life.

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Posted by on December 23, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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Moments

It appears that I haven’t written in quite sometime. Mostly its because I only write when I am upset and well lately I haven’t been allowing myself to feel too much.

This weekend though I felt a lot. A lot of good. A lot of happiness. A lot of sadness. A lot of indescribable loneliness.

But the point is… is that I felt. And I am ever so grateful for that moment.

Life is made up of many moments. How long a “moment” is though differs. They can be practically ephemeral or they can feel devastatingly permanent.

This moment of my life that just ended lasted but a couple of months. I’m so sad to see the moment fade… but just like everything God puts in my life… I’ve learned from it. And I am so joyful that I had this experience and time with such a Godly individual. And now I have this amazing individual that I get to call “my friend.” 🙂

I’ve relearned what it is like to be pursued by someone in a Godly manner. I’ve learned that truly taking the time to learn about someone and their passions leads to a better relationship (whether that be one of romance or of friendship). I’ve learned that I want to be confidently pursued. I’ve learned that I like taking these slowly. And of course I’ve learned more about my flaws in relationships so that I can ensure not to repeat them in another relationship.

Even though I was immensely slow about it… I’ve learned to reopen the door to let someone in. And yet I also learned how to protect my own heart in the process of opening that door. For once I didn’t need the protection of my friends… I was pretty good at protecting myself. A lesson that I need to carry with me when I prepare one day again to open that door.

I just hope that I have the strength to open it again. But time heals all wounds. And the thing is… I don’t see this too much of a wound at all… I’m too grateful to be wounded. I’m too happy to still have a friend, compared to loneliness, to be too sad about it. I’m too appreciative of the time to allow negativity to drift in and stay.

I’ll one day be able to let someone in again.. but in the meantime I have wonderful friends and a loving God who will never leave my side and love me forever :).

 
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Posted by on December 15, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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Control Freak…

So I kinda always knew I was a bit of a control freak… but I’m just really realizing that now lol. so…. Hi my name is Brooke and I am a control freak…. I freely admit it.

Seeing potential in people is great… but trying to force them into that potential is controlling and wrong. It doesn’t matter that I see 2% of someone as absolutely amazing… 2% that could be used as amazing potential to better who they are.

That isn’t for me to say. It is wrong for me to try to make that person become the person that I see. B/c that isn’t who they are. That is unfair to them. Who am I to tell them who they should or shouldn’t be? … even if they have hurt me…

I realize that now. I wish I would have realized that sooner. Maybe I would have saved myself and others a lot of heartache. It isn’t for me to tell someone who they should or shouldn’t be. Even if I think I believe they have incredible potential or that they are hiding a really amazing part of themselves from the world, that isn’t for me to say or decide for them.

I can’t control others. I can only control myself and be responsible for my actions.

I guess it is a life lesson, and I shouldn’t be too hard on myself. I know that now and that is what matters. It is never to late to learn something and better yourself, even if you can’t better others. lol.

“Wish You Were” by Kate Voegele

Gone away are the golden days
Just a page in my diary
So here I am, a utopian citizen
Still convinced there’s no such thing as idealism

Memories they’re following me like a shadow now
And I’m dreaming
And I’ve already suffered the fever of disbelief

I’ve seen your act
And I know all the facts
I’m still in love with who I wish you were
It ain’t hard to see
Who you are underneath
I’m still in love with who I wish you were
And I wish you were here

I was true as the sky is blue
I couldn’t soon say the same for you
So now I find denial in my eyes
I’m mesmerized by the picture that’s in my mind

Tell me when I’ll finally see your shallow heart
For what it is
Cause I don’t want to keep on believing in illusions

[Chorus]

Sometimes I can’t explain
And I’m so sorry that I can’t
I’ll try to concentrate
On your true identity

[Chorus]

 
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Posted by on November 8, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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