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Pursuing God…

So…. I just finished the second chapter of Captivating… and I’m already pretty speechless about how amazing this book is.

From a cross cultural global perspective… I’m not sure if I agree with some of their “universal” claims about women… but those claims that they have made completely and 100% define me….

They say women have 3 longings within their hearts:

  • to be romanced,
  • to play an irreplaceable role in a great adventure,
  • and to unveil beauty.

Seriously… I can’t say for all women… but I can more than definitely say that for me… that truly is the core of who I am and what I want out of life. Those are truly my three greatest longings that I’ve had all my life.

I kind of feel less unique now that I know others feel that way too lol… I kinda thought it was just me… especially the second one… but I guess now that I think about all those adventure books I read with female leaders it makes sense now… lol. But they did note that:

“The desire of a woman’s heart and the realities of a woman’s life seem an ocean apart. Oh, we long for romance and an irreplaceable role in a great story; we long for beauty. But that’s not the life we have. The result is a sense of shame.” (Eldridge and Eldridge 2005: 30)

This quote particularly struck me as truth… b/c often I am “ashamed” of my fantasies that I have of being rescued by my knight and shining armor, of changing the world for the better, and to bring beauty to the world. But I shouldn’t be ashamed of that because that is the core of who I am.

All women are meant for beauty. The world was not deemed to be “good” by God until He created Woman. Women are in fact the pinnacle of perfection in the creation, we are the finale of all creation.

But anyway… there is something more in-depth I wish to discuss from this book thus far… and it is something I really don’t think I could have realized without everything that happened this past semester. Showing once again that EVERYTHING happens for a reason… The idea that I need to pursue God.

In Isaiah 49: 14-15, 18, Jeremiah 24:7, and Matthew 23:37, we see how much God wants us to pursue Him. Eldridge and Eldridge (2005: 25) note:

“not only does God long for us, but He longs to be loved by us. Oh, how we’ve missed this. How many of you see God as longing to be loved by you? We see Him as strong and powerful, but not as needing us, vulnerable to us, yearning to be desired. But as I wrote in Wild at heart, ‘after years of hearing the heart-cry of women, I am convinced beyond a doubt of this: God wants to be loved. He wants to be a priority in someone. How could we have missed this? From cover to cover, from beginning to end, the cry of God’s heart is, “why won’t you choose me?” It is amazing to me how humble, how vulnerable God is on this point. “You will find me,” says the Lord, “when you seek me with all your heart” (Jer. 29: 13). In other words, ‘Look for me, pursue me- I want you to pursue me,” Amazing, As Tazer says, God waits to be wanted.”

And then to add this quote, later Eldridge and Eldridge (2005: 45) tell us:

“God yearns to be known. But he wants to be sought after by those who would know him. He says, ‘You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.’ (Jer 29: 13). There is dignity here; God does not throw himself at any passerby. He is no harlot. If you would know Him you must love Him; you must seek Him with your whole heart. This is crucial to any woman’s soul, not to mention her sexuality. “you cannot simply have me. You must seek me, pursue me. I won’t let you in unless I know you love me.'”

At the beginning of the semester… you can look back in my posts to see this… I prayed that “God would show me what love was like on earth so that I could begin to comprehend what it was like for Him to love me.”

God had revealed Himself in this manner to me before in terms of my OCD… How I was able to learn again how to trust Him again by first trusting my earthly friends with knowing about my OCD.

I realize now… even though the ends aren’t what I wanted… I have indeed seen what love is like on earth and I can now slightly comprehend what it is like for Him to love me. I only say slightly b/c I don’t pretend I can comprehend God to His fullest… but He is revealing various pieces to me.

Just like I longed for romance and love in my relationship that is what God LONGS for… when things were going bad whether it was my fault or his (I’m over the blame game lol) I sat crying longing just to feel loved and wanted… now after reading the passages above from Captivating… I realize that God feels EXACTLY the same way about us when we don’t come to Him. Just like I wanted to be pursued and loved… God wants to be pursued and loved… God is crying for us to reach out to Him… He does everything in His power to show us how much He loves us… but yet often, like how I felt in the relationship, the other individual just turns away… oblivious to how much I was hurting and longing for him… or how much God is hurting and longing for me…

I now have a good idea how much it hurts Him for us to ignore Him… to turn away from Him… to not return His call to us… and the fact that I have hurt God like that? Wow… I have no words to express how remorseful I am…

I now have a slight understanding about how much God wants me. LOVES ME. And Cherishes me… and just wants me to want Him.

And then as the second passage says… God isn’t a harlot with His love… just b/c I know God is automatically going to forgive me for something doesn’t mean I should just go out and do it… it hurts Him deeply… we have to show God how much we love him through following His lead, His commandments, and His path.

This also shows me that I shouldn’t be a harlot with my love either… my heart is precious and I should only give it to that individual who is worthy of it. I need someone to pursue me so that I know that he loves me and is worthy of my love.

But really the only love I should be focusing on right now is God’s… I need to show God how much I love Him… I need to become more than 2%…. I need to make the romance between God and I more tangible… I need to pursue Him with all my heart. I need to stop hurting Him and answer His call. I need to recognize God’s love for me.

 
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Posted by on December 21, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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Love without Trust

They say it is impossible to love someone without trusting them.

I don’t agree. I think it is impossible to have a relationship without trust. But I still think you can truly love someone without trust.

The sad part though is that love will never be able to go anywhere until the person you love can prove to you that they are trustworthy.

If you don’t trust someone though… is it your fault or their fault? Especially when they have done things repeatedly to you to make you not trust them. Shouldn’t you always be trying to build someone’s trust for you? Every time they hurt you the trust that was there is ruined and has to start again from scratch. Even when you forgive them… that doesn’t mean you forget… it just makes you guard yourself more until you can trust them again.

Or is my thinking wrong? Which is very possible considering i am seriously the most confused individual in the world.

 
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Posted by on December 3, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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Trust, Hurt, and Missing

I really hate how much I miss him… how could anyone fall in love with anyone in less than 3 weeks? It doesn’t make sense.

Plus he didn’t love me. How could he? He barely knew me. I mean on a very intimate level he somehow did. He knew things about me that I never told him, but somehow he just knew me. He didn’t know my best friend’s name or the particulars of what I studied and have dedicated my life to. But yet he still knew me behind the materialistic aspects of life.

I still can’t get over the fact that God gave him the signs he prayed for when we first met, but yet I didn’t get mine. Perhaps it was God’s way of saying that I was the woman for him, but he was not yet the man for me?

I mean who has so many fights and has trust issues at the very beginning of a relationship?

Perhaps the problem is is that we just “trusted” each other from the very beginning. But trust just isn’t something that you give to everyone you initially meet and they have it until they are proven “untrustworthy”… no trust is something you build up for someone.

Sigh… every time I hear my phone make a sound… a small ray of hope thinks that it may be him, telling me that he realizes he was wrong. And that he misses me.

I wonder if he is thinking about me as much as I am thinking of him?

 
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Posted by on September 22, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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