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The Lie of Silence and the Empowerment of Anger

I really dislike anger… I really dislike the emotion… I’ve been up close and personal to what anger can do to a person… and to one’s family… I’ve also known personally what it does to relationships (of the friend variety)… I’ve had things happen… I’ve learned from them… my family still lives in a constant state of anger… since those specific events in my life and the constant vibe’s from my family… I try my hardest to stay away from anger… I don’t like being angry… I like to let it go right away… move on… there is nothing I can do about it…accept it for what it is…

But I am so incredibly angry right now…

My therapist says that anger is healthy and that I actually need to use it as a tool to keep myself protected… to keep my boundaries up so that I can never be hurt like that again… she doesn’t want me to let it fester at all… eventually I need to let it go… but since the anger is so fresh (since late Tuesday night)… I need to utilize it to build my boundaries…

But my anger is sooooooo much right now… I can hardly think about anything else… I don’t like this… If I wasn’t so cold and keen on staying wrapped up in a blanket I could probably run like 10 miles (which is really saying something for me since I can’t even run a mile)… good thing I am not an aggressive person in any way shape or form!

but the thing is it isn’t just anger… it is a hurt like I have never felt before… and I have been hurt A LOT… I can’t describe the pain that I feel… I thought I knew what heartbreak was like before… but I literally can feel my heart breaking… the cruel event that has happened to me…

I’m just so infuriated b/c it is also my fault… I should have known better… I should have realized that certain people just can’t be trusted b/c they will ALWAYS hurt you… but for some reason I’ve just always believed everyone deserves second chances… even if it is there 100th second chance…

But I should have known better… I should have known it would happen… so I’m not only infuriated and hurt about the event… but I am sooooooooo angry at myself…

But I’m trying to learn from this… I’m trying to learn how to build my boundaries and never allow anything to happen to make me feel like this way ever again… but I’m afraid of building those boundaries up to the point that I will never let them down again…

But how do you get over anger like this? Go buy a punching bag?

I need to let it go… I don’t want to end up life my family… I’ve seen that… it is horrible… but I rather feel this anger than just the hurt… because then I don’t think I could get up in the morning…

So then should I let the anger go once the hurt has healed? Because it has to heal… I’m too angry not to make it heal b/c no one should have the power to make someone hurt like this…

urg…

some quotes for thought…

“When truth is replaced by silence,the silence is a lie.”
― Yevgeny Yevtushenko

“The cruelest lies are often told in silence.”
– Robert Louis Stevenson

“The best lies are always at least partially true.”
– Laurell K. Hamilton

“A half- truth does more mischief than a whole lie.”
– Ivan Panin

“Usually when people are sad, they don’t do anything. They just cry over their condition. But when they get angry, they bring about a change.”
– Malcolm X (1925 – 1965)

“I have a right to my anger, and I don’t want anybody telling me I shouldn’t be, that it’s not nice to be, and that something’s wrong with me because I get angry.”
– Maxine Waters, in Brian Lanker, I Dream a World, 1989

“It’s important for people to keep in mind that while anger is a feeling that everybody has, aggression is a choice.”
– Carole D. Stovall

“Anger is one of the ways God protects us. Anger is, in fact, a God-given experience. We have been given a divine emotional signal in our heads that tells us when we are getting too near the edge. Like semaphore lights at a dangerous train crossing, anger tells us to pay careful attention.”
– Paul Meier and Robert L. Wise

“Anger is fuel. We feel it and we want to do something. Hit someone, break something, throw a fit, smash a fist into the wall, tell those bastards. But we are nice people, and what we do with our anger is stuff it, deny it, bury it, block it, hide it, lie about it, medicate it, muffle it, ignore it. We do everything but listen to it. Anger is meant to be listened to. Anger is a voice, a shout, a plea, a demand…. We are meant to use anger as a fuel to take the actions we need to move where our anger points us. With a little thought, we can usually translate the message that our anger is sending us.”
– Julia Cameron

“Anger is a fuel. You need fuel to launch a rocket. But if all you have is fuel without any complex internal mechanism directing it, you don’t have a rocket. You have a bomb.”
– Gil Scwartz

“Anger is not a sinful emotion. But how we act when we are angry may well be a sin.”
– Doris Moreland Jones

“Anger is our reaction to the violation of our boundaries.”
– Kathleen Dowling singh

“At the moment you become angry, you tend to believe that your misery has been created by another person. You blame him or her for all your suffering. But by looking deeply, you may realize that the seed of anger in you is the main cause of your suffering.”
– Thich Nhat Hanh

“Anger is not the opposite of love, for the opposite of love is indifference. To be angry is to care tremendously. It is a signal that your caring extends beyond polite conversation, and that you are willing to risk a confrontation to share how you feel.”
– Doris Moreland Jones

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Posted by on January 31, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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Pursuing God…

So…. I just finished the second chapter of Captivating… and I’m already pretty speechless about how amazing this book is.

From a cross cultural global perspective… I’m not sure if I agree with some of their “universal” claims about women… but those claims that they have made completely and 100% define me….

They say women have 3 longings within their hearts:

  • to be romanced,
  • to play an irreplaceable role in a great adventure,
  • and to unveil beauty.

Seriously… I can’t say for all women… but I can more than definitely say that for me… that truly is the core of who I am and what I want out of life. Those are truly my three greatest longings that I’ve had all my life.

I kind of feel less unique now that I know others feel that way too lol… I kinda thought it was just me… especially the second one… but I guess now that I think about all those adventure books I read with female leaders it makes sense now… lol. But they did note that:

“The desire of a woman’s heart and the realities of a woman’s life seem an ocean apart. Oh, we long for romance and an irreplaceable role in a great story; we long for beauty. But that’s not the life we have. The result is a sense of shame.” (Eldridge and Eldridge 2005: 30)

This quote particularly struck me as truth… b/c often I am “ashamed” of my fantasies that I have of being rescued by my knight and shining armor, of changing the world for the better, and to bring beauty to the world. But I shouldn’t be ashamed of that because that is the core of who I am.

All women are meant for beauty. The world was not deemed to be “good” by God until He created Woman. Women are in fact the pinnacle of perfection in the creation, we are the finale of all creation.

But anyway… there is something more in-depth I wish to discuss from this book thus far… and it is something I really don’t think I could have realized without everything that happened this past semester. Showing once again that EVERYTHING happens for a reason… The idea that I need to pursue God.

In Isaiah 49: 14-15, 18, Jeremiah 24:7, and Matthew 23:37, we see how much God wants us to pursue Him. Eldridge and Eldridge (2005: 25) note:

“not only does God long for us, but He longs to be loved by us. Oh, how we’ve missed this. How many of you see God as longing to be loved by you? We see Him as strong and powerful, but not as needing us, vulnerable to us, yearning to be desired. But as I wrote in Wild at heart, ‘after years of hearing the heart-cry of women, I am convinced beyond a doubt of this: God wants to be loved. He wants to be a priority in someone. How could we have missed this? From cover to cover, from beginning to end, the cry of God’s heart is, “why won’t you choose me?” It is amazing to me how humble, how vulnerable God is on this point. “You will find me,” says the Lord, “when you seek me with all your heart” (Jer. 29: 13). In other words, ‘Look for me, pursue me- I want you to pursue me,” Amazing, As Tazer says, God waits to be wanted.”

And then to add this quote, later Eldridge and Eldridge (2005: 45) tell us:

“God yearns to be known. But he wants to be sought after by those who would know him. He says, ‘You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.’ (Jer 29: 13). There is dignity here; God does not throw himself at any passerby. He is no harlot. If you would know Him you must love Him; you must seek Him with your whole heart. This is crucial to any woman’s soul, not to mention her sexuality. “you cannot simply have me. You must seek me, pursue me. I won’t let you in unless I know you love me.'”

At the beginning of the semester… you can look back in my posts to see this… I prayed that “God would show me what love was like on earth so that I could begin to comprehend what it was like for Him to love me.”

God had revealed Himself in this manner to me before in terms of my OCD… How I was able to learn again how to trust Him again by first trusting my earthly friends with knowing about my OCD.

I realize now… even though the ends aren’t what I wanted… I have indeed seen what love is like on earth and I can now slightly comprehend what it is like for Him to love me. I only say slightly b/c I don’t pretend I can comprehend God to His fullest… but He is revealing various pieces to me.

Just like I longed for romance and love in my relationship that is what God LONGS for… when things were going bad whether it was my fault or his (I’m over the blame game lol) I sat crying longing just to feel loved and wanted… now after reading the passages above from Captivating… I realize that God feels EXACTLY the same way about us when we don’t come to Him. Just like I wanted to be pursued and loved… God wants to be pursued and loved… God is crying for us to reach out to Him… He does everything in His power to show us how much He loves us… but yet often, like how I felt in the relationship, the other individual just turns away… oblivious to how much I was hurting and longing for him… or how much God is hurting and longing for me…

I now have a good idea how much it hurts Him for us to ignore Him… to turn away from Him… to not return His call to us… and the fact that I have hurt God like that? Wow… I have no words to express how remorseful I am…

I now have a slight understanding about how much God wants me. LOVES ME. And Cherishes me… and just wants me to want Him.

And then as the second passage says… God isn’t a harlot with His love… just b/c I know God is automatically going to forgive me for something doesn’t mean I should just go out and do it… it hurts Him deeply… we have to show God how much we love him through following His lead, His commandments, and His path.

This also shows me that I shouldn’t be a harlot with my love either… my heart is precious and I should only give it to that individual who is worthy of it. I need someone to pursue me so that I know that he loves me and is worthy of my love.

But really the only love I should be focusing on right now is God’s… I need to show God how much I love Him… I need to become more than 2%…. I need to make the romance between God and I more tangible… I need to pursue Him with all my heart. I need to stop hurting Him and answer His call. I need to recognize God’s love for me.

 
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Posted by on December 21, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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Expression of Sadness…

How do you make your heart stop breaking?

I could have sworn he was my other half. That I was going to grow old with him. That he would love me just as much as I love him.

I still have a hard time comprehending that he is no longer in my life. The lack of real closure doesn’t help either. I think he got the closure he needed, but I didn’t get the closure I needed. I don’t think that is anyone’s fault except the fact that we really didn’t know each other as much as we thought… But everything I did know about him… I loved…

So just some random quotes that I’ve come across to help with digesting everything:

“If she’s amazing, she won’t be easy. If she’s easy, she won’t be amazing. If she’s worth it, you wont give up. If you give up, you’re not worthy. … Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for”- unknown

“God sometimes removes people from your life to protect you….Don’t run after them.”- unknown

“It seems as thought life has become far more serious since that time we were walking by one anothers side, holding hands, kissing, looking into each others eyes and telling each other how much we care… My life has changed… My heart is broken… But I question, was it already broken and were you just a weight that’s been lifted to let it break or was it you who crawled right into the center and tore it apart? This probably makes no sense to anyone reading this, so I’m crying, that is all.”- unknown

“I will never steal, abuse, take advantage of or abandon the people I love. My heart keeps breaking a little more each day. It’s cruel.” – unknown

“I have spread my dreams under your feet; Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.”- Yeats

“Now I know what a fool I”ve been but if you kiss me now, I know you’d fool me again.”- Last Christmas

“It’s scary to find someone that makes you happy, you start giving them all of your attentionb ecause they’re what makes you forget everything bad that’s going on in your life. They’re the first person you want to talk to in the morning and the last one before you sleep just so you can start and end you day with a smile. It all sounds great to have that someone, but it’s scary to think about how easily they could just leave you and take the happiness away too when they go.”- Anonymous

I love you. I miss you. Forever.

 
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Posted by on December 16, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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I’m Done Waiting…

I’ve never been a particularly patient person… I know patience is a virtue and all… but you can’t live your life perpetually waiting…

Yes, some things take time to figure out. But in all the situations I am currently waiting in… way more than enough time has been allotted.

Waiting is just equivalent to fear.

“But I’m waiting for the right time.”
– If two years have gone by and you are still waiting for the “right time”… I’m pretty sure it has come and gone.

I know what I want. So why am I waiting? Is it just because I am terrified of failure? Terrified that I am ruining things because I will eventually be happy but just not right now?

There are moments when I am happy yes, but overall I’ve been miserable. I think my happiness is more important. I should chase after that which makes me happy.

I hate academia. So why am I still sitting here reading these articles for class and writing papers? Because I am waiting for things to get better… but waiting around isn’t going to make things better… I have TO DO something.

Eventually you can inhale so much oxygen you can’t take anymore. In fact it physically hurts to inhale anymore.

I can’t take anymore on this situation or others. My mind/heart/soul is worn out. I have to exhale.

I know what I want. I want to make a difference in the world. I know I am never going to make a difference politically or economically… my brain can’t wrap around those things…they are not my spiritual gifts, so I know my difference is going to be small… but if I can just get food on the table for someone who can’t do it for themselves… that is good enough for me. I don’t have to move to Africa or join the peace corps to do that… I can do that right in this very city in which I live.

Waiting is useless. Waiting is disappointing. Because NOTHING happens. You have to take action… follow your heart… do what you believe God is calling you to do.

So back to patience:

Yes, “Through patience a ruler can be persuaded, and a gentle tongue can break a bone” (Proverbs 25: 15).

But, “the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control” (Galatians 5:22-23).

In order to love myself, in order to find joy and peace, to be kind and good, to be faithful to who I am, I must realize that my self control and forbearance is detrimental to me and all those involved.

I’m controlling myself too much so that I don’t do something that I think I will later regret. My forbearance is because of fear. Fear is not from God. Fear is in fact from the devil. God is love.

Yes, patience and self control are good, but not in the context of fear.

I’ve lived with OCD since I was 8 years old and I am now 23! I know what fear is. Fear and I have never been separated for long. But I am SO tired of fear. I can’t allow fear to control my life anymore… I want love. I want to love myself, others, and what I do.

My “so called patience” is completely fear drawn. Fear that I am going to ruin something. But if I can take down that fear… I can stop waiting and decide.

Anything that is driven by fear… is in no way from God. God is complete and total love.

Yes sometimes love hurts.

God loves us soooo much that He has given us free will. And what do we do with that free will? Screw up over and over and over again… It has to hurt Him so much to see us suffer… but He loves us… so He lets us make our own decisions.

So yes, I may hurt myself by dropping out of academia. But it is done completely and utterly out of love.

Love cannot exist with fear. I am tired of living in fear that I will die not contributing to society in anyway, fear that I will die alone, fear that I am screwing up the path that I am supposed to be on. But if this was the path I was supposed to be on… fear would not be a part of it. Because God is love and God creates the path He wants me to be on.

It is such an oxymoron for an OCD individual to say they will no longer live in fear. But I can’t do this anymore. It hurts too much. I have to exhale.

I am exhaling to release the fear, so that I can once again inhale only love.

Yes I know, especially with my OCD, fear will come back… but I will just keep exhaling it out. I only want to inhale love.

That is my greatest desire in life. Love. To love and be loved in return. But the only love I truly need is God’s. But I will do my hardest to love EVERYONE even if it hurts them… because in the long wrong it is what is best for them.

I’m tired of waiting. I will no longer wait in fear.

I know what I want, so I am going to go for it. I’m going to leap off a metaphorical cliff and sure hope that I will fly. But even if I end up crashing into the water below… God will pick me up again.. because He is always there to pick us up… He will put me on the cliff once more and nudge me in a different direction to jump or a new technology that will help my fly lol. He will always be there to pick me up. I can’t fail my life. As long as I believe in God, He will be there.

I feel like I’ve been ignoring His will for WAY to long. I just keep asking for “signs” and not getting them or getting conflicting ones or think I am getting them but not sure… but really the only sign I need is to know that He is love and He wants me to be happy.

So I’m tired of waiting in fear. I’m taking God’s hand this week and jumping off that cliff. I’ll let y’all know next week of whether I am flying or falling to the ground. But action is going to take place this week.

It hurts too much to not exhale.

 
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Posted by on October 30, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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Quotes

So I’m currently working on a paper… which means that I’m thinking and writing… of course I’m not thinking and writing about what I should be… which then means I’m writing here today! Note the 2 posts lol

Some quotes I came across today from pinterest and songs I’ve heard today:

“Don’t run from who you are.”
– Aslan

“There are days when I’m OK
And for a moment, for a moment I find hope
But there are days when I’m not OK
And I need your help
So I’m letting go

I need you to know
I’m not through the night
Some days I’m still fighting to walk towards the light
I need you to know
That we’ll be OK
Together we can make it through another day.”
– Courage by Superchick

“Waste no more time talking about great souls and how they should be. Become one yourself!”
– unknown

“I am who I am today because of the choices I made yesterday”
– Eleanor Roosevelt

“Don’t look for a man [or friend] to solve your problems, just find a man [or friend] that doesn’t let you face them alone.”
– unknown

“Success seems to be largely a matter of hanging on after others have let go.”
-William Feather

One of the hardest decisions you’ll ever face in life is choosing whether to walk away or try harder. – unknown

“Be who you are and say what you feel because those who matter don’t mind, and those that mind, don’t matter.”
– Dr. Seuss

“you, God, I trust.
I’m leaping and singing in the circle of your love;
you saw my pain,
you disarmed my tormentors,
You didn’t leave me in their clutches
but gave me room to breathe.”- Psalms 31: 6-8 The Message version

I’ll probably add more the more I procrastinate today lol 🙂

 
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Posted by on October 6, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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A quote that I stole from him…

“Love is giving someone the power to destroy you and trusting that they won’t.”

……

Why can’t I stop thinking about him?

I miss him so much…

Apparently I was never meant to love, because all I end up doing is destroying those I do…

 
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Posted by on September 19, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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