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Christmas

29 Dec

So I am about to explain my Christmas… This is going to be very long and also probably pretty confusing because so many factors go into what happened over christmas. You have to have all parts of it in order to understand the whole… Also this is a complete rant so I’ve completely disregarded the importance of grammar lol… so I apologize in advance…

Christmas was… full of family drama as predicted. We were all home this year… well not for christmas exactly but right after.

I had to work Christmas Eve so I left Christmas morning for home. What should have been a max 5 hours trip turned into a twelve hour fiasco of me changing airlines and planes breaking.

But I got home the same time as my middle sister and then my brother arrived soon shortly after that. My eldest sister did not arrive until the next day.

I have good relations with my siblings except my brother. I’ve probably posted about it before… but my family has lots of drama that all started with him being kicked out of the family when i was in high school and he in college.

We had many years of drama surrounding my brother including me being forced by my parents to tell people that my brother was dead, my brother calling his biological father who he never knew ‘daddy’ and refusing to acknowledge my father (who raised him), many horrible fights, lots of yelling, etc. Eventually (like many years… this happened in 10th grade and I never got a formal apology from my brother until 5.5 years later) he said he was gonna try to be a part of our lives again.

I told him I forgave him… and I thought I had… But I think I always had some underlying difficulties with my brother being in my life… I don’t really like the person my brother had become but anytime he saw us I was always nice and pretended that nothing happened.

I’m not completely sure when or why my feelings for my brother started to turn south. A large part of it is because I don’t think I ever fully forgave him. I blame my brother for destroying my parents which destroyed my family. After my brother went off the deepened, my middle sister shortly left for college, and then my parents started having difficulties with my eldest sister on the same topic of why my brother left our family.

My parents were devastated… My mother… who basically didn’t really like the mothering role by the time she got to me, her fourth child, basically gave up raising me. I was only 15… I needed my mother… but instead what I got was a mother who was curled up on the couch crying when she wasn’t working, crying herself to sleep, talking non stop trash about my brother and eldest sister… and us never leaving the house because she was too depressed.

I remember it being just my mother and I eating dinner at night and the whole entire time instead of being able to talk to my mom about my day and things going on in my life, she would be on the phone with my father (whose job requires him to be away very often) crying over my siblings.

I didn’t agree with my parents when it came to the way they were handling this situation… at all… but I had to keep my opinions to myself… if i voiced a different opinion I would be chewed out…but still they were my parents… they shouldn’t have had to go through this situation. I thought that if my brother cared for them at all he wouldn’t have done what he had done in the way he had done it.

I understand that he and my sister (she actually had memories of the man) needed to seek their biological father. What I didnt understand was why my brother… who was my hero growing up, he was the one person I looked up to for everything and wanted to be exactly like… no longer wanted to be a part of my family. I didnt understand why he told my parents they were no longer his parents… I still don’t.

But anyway… I thought I was over all this… but my brother throughout all of this turned into a very angry, uncaring individual. I fear his anger much more than my mothers which really says something.

When my brother ended up moving close to home, he and my parents began to work through things. But no one thought about the fact that I or my middle sister needed to work things through with him too. My parents automatically assumed that because they were ok with him that I would be too. My parents always thought this way for some reason… while they always wanted a big happy family… my middle sister and I were never really allowed to have good relations with my brother or eldest sister. My eldest sister and I have a great relationship now but its mostly because I kept it from my mother…. in fact my middle sister was chewed out by my mother a year or so ago for confronting my eldest sister about something she was feeling… my mother told her it “wasn’t” her place.

But anyway as my parents became closer with my brother… the more resentment I began to feel.

All of a sudden this individual who started out as my hero and then became the enemy of my parents was suddenly their golden child. The prodigal son (who btw he and my eldest sister were always their favorite before things turned south) had returned!! And while I was all for throwing a party to welcome him back… this party just keeps going on… b/c we can’t do anything that might make him upset b/c he might turn away again… so we have to keep him happy… and the only way to do that is to keep him at the center of attention…

And my brother learning like the rest of my family how to be a pretty good manipulator also manipulates my mother by giving her the attention she desperately wants but not that he really wants to give her. He gives her the attention so that she will babysit his child anytime he wants and for as long as he wants. He also does it to get pity from her and to get her on his side when he thinks his sisters are against him.

It bothers me that my brother does this. It bothers me that he is once again the center of their world… I mean technically he was the center of their world during the fight b/c he was all they could talk about… but to go from such negativity to such positivity is very much like whiplash.

It isnt fair that he is the most loved out of all of us (my eldest sister who was always in competition for this role of most loved and probably was winning for a while is greatly disliked by my mother right now… which I greatly disagree with…my sister never did anything nearly as horrible as what my brother did).

But while I was talking all this over with a friend. I think I discovered something else too… I’ve misplaced much of my anger that i have over my situation with Fred on my mother and my brother.

This goes back to the manipulation thing. My whole life my mother has been an emotionally abusive person. It really isn’t much of her fault… she lived in a physically abusive home… so She has excuse. But anyway anytime she did something horrible to me or my middle sister (such as telling my sister that she no longer wanted to be her mother in like the 5th grade or telling me I wasnt good enough) I would just have to let it roll of my shoulder. There was nothing I could do about it. I just pretended that everything was fine. She emotionally hurt me.. but like she always told me I wasn’t allowed to cry about it. I just had to move on. (Which I’m pretty sure is the reason why I don’t ever cry now)

Thats what I began to do with my brother as well. My brother came back to the family… and although he would get angry at me for a stupid reason or joke in a manner that you weren’t actually sure if he was joking or not or do something horrible to my parents or chew out my eldest sister for something, or manipulate my mother into thinking that all the sisters were keeping him out from joining the family when really he wasn’t reaching out to us at all… I had to keep forgiving him.

And thats what I did with Fred. I have been trained my whole life to be treated not the best of ways but then immediately forgive and forget. After all it wasn’t their fault… there was reason for them being the way they were… I had to be understanding… So I had to be understanding with Fred to… It didn’t matter that he pretended to get in a car wreck to get my attention, or push me to have sex when I didn’t actually want to, or force me to take plan B and then not contact me for two weeks to see if I was ok, or see me for one night and then not hear from him for ages, or pretended to commit suicide, or yell at me when I thought that attempt was real and contacted his parents to find out what hospital he was in, and so much more… oh no… he probably had reason to be that way. I loved my mother and brother… I knew how to love people like this,… so shouldn’t I love him too?

So although the fault is really with me for allowing someone to treat me that way and not telling him to hit the road after week two… I can’t help but blame my mother and brother for conditioning me for that kind of relationship….

I feel like such a horrible person… I resent my brother for the amount of love and attention he gets from my parents (when he clearly isn’t the best of men in the world) and I blame him for something that he doesn’t even know happened in my life.

But anyway… to go back to christmas, It took me twelve hours to get home… I had only slept three hours the night before and I didnt get any chance to nap at all before he, his wife, and baby showed up.

OCD thing… kids scare the crap out of me… and since their child is really little, she scared me even more… so with being tired and battling with OCD I was a bit standoffish… my brother took that as extreme dislike for him… and while he was ‘joking’ and pretending everything was alright… he took the dislike he thought he saw mirrored in me and reflected it right back.

Everything was being dealt with though in the fake way my family loves to act until the next evening (when I still hadn’t gotten the sleep I needed due to various factors) when my mother insisted we play a board game (which may i emphasis has NEVER gone well in my family… someone always ends up crying). The first hour was fun… but then for some reason my brother kept getting “edgier”… apparently he felt like we were all gaining up on him… but we weren’t at all.. we were playing in our sarcastic way that we always play in… like when my brother had to name all 7 continents i told him he was wrong for saying “Australia” when the technical term is Oceania… or when we had to list things that were in a volcano and we refused to give him “frodo” since it was completely fictional and not something that has the possibility to be found in a volcano… then my sister did something that we weren’t completely sure if it was technically right but we gave it to her… and my brother just went off in an angry rage saying it was unfair and that we were all out to get him (even though he was winning).

This then started a huge argument. My mother insisted we put the game up and not wanting to be a part of my brother’s rage I quickly fled the scene…. but then my parents decided to have a “family meeting” to get our feelings out… which we’ve never done and is a terrifying thing to do… b/c a lot of the feelings are due to our parents and we can’t really tell them that without them kicking us out of the house…. but anyway apparently my brother had a lot of resentment against me due to the fact that he called me twice and i didn’t pick up either time (I don’t remember this but it was probably during finals which is why i didn’t want to deal with him… and so therefore he blamed me for us never talking) and then he was upset that i ‘disrespected’ our father once the day before (which long story short i hadnt at all… ) but my mean reply at this point was that our dad knew I hadn’t disrespected him b/c my love for him has never been questioned unlike his has for our father. Which my brother then denied he had never disrespected our father which then made my middle sister (who is very protective over me) intensely yell and then begin to cry that that was a load of bull.

I don’t remember to many of the details of this convo… due to the fact that I was really tired and upset… but apparently we got many of our feelings out… but nothing to change me brothers opinion about anything to do with life. He just sat their with his stubbornness fuming away.

My eldest sister stayed remarkably quiet throughout this whole thing… she told me later that she already felt like she was enough in the dog house that she didnt need to be anymore with my parents.

But anyway… eventually my brother’s wife comes to join the conversation (who was originally invited but she refused) and she is sobbing b/c she thought we had moved passed all this… but the thing is… she and my brother may have moved passed it with my parents… but never with me and my middle sister.

And then from that point on this whole conversation became the brother and his wife show… my mother being all fake trying to make them feel better. OH it doesn’t matter that I still haven’t gotten everything out and I am really upset…oh no I and my feelings don’t matter at all… just my brother’s.

My sisters and I all left the conversation a little bit afterwards feeling the exact same way. Ignored and overlooked for our brother… who learned nothing from the conversation.

My eldest sister then got on the phone with her husband (who had to work so stayed behind at where they lived) to say goodnight and tell him what happened… being protective of his children… he didnt want them there without my sister who was set to leave the next day and leave the kids behind to stay with us for a little while longer… so instead of packing them all up the next day my sister decided to stay with them at the house for the next few days…

When my sister went to go tell our mom… about thirty minutes after the family talk had ended my mom went off on her… saying that if the kids couldn’t stay by themselves they should all just leave the next day. So basically she was passive aggressively kicking them out. My mother who had been such a great mediator (completely fake) during the family talk was now kicking out my eldest sister for the stupidest reason ever… my sister was baffled and didnt know what to do… so she told my mom to think about it.

THe next morning everything was pretty scary…. the house was too quiet, My brother came to me though and did apologize… which i must give him some points for and said that he wants to try to talk more… but my mother… was very curt to everyone… she let my sister stay but kept dropping hints like packing for her and telling her it was going to rain tomorrow so it would be best to drive home today.

In the evening the eventually made up.. but made up in the fake way in which my mother is still holding a lot of resentment towards her.

So I still… I still dont know how to feel about any of this… I need to get over it… but I’ve learned that just dropping things and forgetting them are bad for me… or maybe that is just in regards to the rest of the world and not my family.

Blah.. I love my family… I really do… I just wish things were easier…

 

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Posted by on December 29, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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