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Monthly Archives: October 2012

I’m Done Waiting…

I’ve never been a particularly patient person… I know patience is a virtue and all… but you can’t live your life perpetually waiting…

Yes, some things take time to figure out. But in all the situations I am currently waiting in… way more than enough time has been allotted.

Waiting is just equivalent to fear.

“But I’m waiting for the right time.”
– If two years have gone by and you are still waiting for the “right time”… I’m pretty sure it has come and gone.

I know what I want. So why am I waiting? Is it just because I am terrified of failure? Terrified that I am ruining things because I will eventually be happy but just not right now?

There are moments when I am happy yes, but overall I’ve been miserable. I think my happiness is more important. I should chase after that which makes me happy.

I hate academia. So why am I still sitting here reading these articles for class and writing papers? Because I am waiting for things to get better… but waiting around isn’t going to make things better… I have TO DO something.

Eventually you can inhale so much oxygen you can’t take anymore. In fact it physically hurts to inhale anymore.

I can’t take anymore on this situation or others. My mind/heart/soul is worn out. I have to exhale.

I know what I want. I want to make a difference in the world. I know I am never going to make a difference politically or economically… my brain can’t wrap around those things…they are not my spiritual gifts, so I know my difference is going to be small… but if I can just get food on the table for someone who can’t do it for themselves… that is good enough for me. I don’t have to move to Africa or join the peace corps to do that… I can do that right in this very city in which I live.

Waiting is useless. Waiting is disappointing. Because NOTHING happens. You have to take action… follow your heart… do what you believe God is calling you to do.

So back to patience:

Yes, “Through patience a ruler can be persuaded, and a gentle tongue can break a bone” (Proverbs 25: 15).

But, “the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control” (Galatians 5:22-23).

In order to love myself, in order to find joy and peace, to be kind and good, to be faithful to who I am, I must realize that my self control and forbearance is detrimental to me and all those involved.

I’m controlling myself too much so that I don’t do something that I think I will later regret. My forbearance is because of fear. Fear is not from God. Fear is in fact from the devil. God is love.

Yes, patience and self control are good, but not in the context of fear.

I’ve lived with OCD since I was 8 years old and I am now 23! I know what fear is. Fear and I have never been separated for long. But I am SO tired of fear. I can’t allow fear to control my life anymore… I want love. I want to love myself, others, and what I do.

My “so called patience” is completely fear drawn. Fear that I am going to ruin something. But if I can take down that fear… I can stop waiting and decide.

Anything that is driven by fear… is in no way from God. God is complete and total love.

Yes sometimes love hurts.

God loves us soooo much that He has given us free will. And what do we do with that free will? Screw up over and over and over again… It has to hurt Him so much to see us suffer… but He loves us… so He lets us make our own decisions.

So yes, I may hurt myself by dropping out of academia. But it is done completely and utterly out of love.

Love cannot exist with fear. I am tired of living in fear that I will die not contributing to society in anyway, fear that I will die alone, fear that I am screwing up the path that I am supposed to be on. But if this was the path I was supposed to be on… fear would not be a part of it. Because God is love and God creates the path He wants me to be on.

It is such an oxymoron for an OCD individual to say they will no longer live in fear. But I can’t do this anymore. It hurts too much. I have to exhale.

I am exhaling to release the fear, so that I can once again inhale only love.

Yes I know, especially with my OCD, fear will come back… but I will just keep exhaling it out. I only want to inhale love.

That is my greatest desire in life. Love. To love and be loved in return. But the only love I truly need is God’s. But I will do my hardest to love EVERYONE even if it hurts them… because in the long wrong it is what is best for them.

I’m tired of waiting. I will no longer wait in fear.

I know what I want, so I am going to go for it. I’m going to leap off a metaphorical cliff and sure hope that I will fly. But even if I end up crashing into the water below… God will pick me up again.. because He is always there to pick us up… He will put me on the cliff once more and nudge me in a different direction to jump or a new technology that will help my fly lol. He will always be there to pick me up. I can’t fail my life. As long as I believe in God, He will be there.

I feel like I’ve been ignoring His will for WAY to long. I just keep asking for “signs” and not getting them or getting conflicting ones or think I am getting them but not sure… but really the only sign I need is to know that He is love and He wants me to be happy.

So I’m tired of waiting in fear. I’m taking God’s hand this week and jumping off that cliff. I’ll let y’all know next week of whether I am flying or falling to the ground. But action is going to take place this week.

It hurts too much to not exhale.

 
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Posted by on October 30, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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I Refuse to Sink…

“I refuse to sink.”

~ My life’s mantra is these four little words.

I use to have a tumblr account by this name. I don’t really use it anymore… but I was looking at it today and brought back a variety of emotions, such as remembering the loneliness I felt when my OCD was severe.

So I think I’m just going to share a few things from that account for today. And maybe something will jump out to someone and be meaningful to them.

“I refuse to sink: A wish for eloquence in words, healing in thoughts and prayers, and love in support. To stand with those who feel invisible and hopeless. Words from a wanderer trying to find the place where dreams and reality collide.”- me

“And even if we never talk again, please remember that I’m forever changed by who you are and what you meant to me.” – unknown

“Life has many chapters for us, One bad chapter doesn’t mean it’s the end of the book.”- unknown

“Spring is the season of change that brings Hope to the Hopeless.”- me

“The saddest kind of sad is the sad that tries not to be sad. You know, when Sad tries to bite its lip and not cry and smile and go, “No, I’m happy for you”? That’s when it’s really sad”- John Mayer

“Even if he doesn’t say it back, everyone likes to know they are loved.” – friends

“Sometimes you have to be your own hero.”- unknown

“I ardently want you to know the truth behind my lies. I love you.”- me

“I sleep so I no longer have to face the reality that is mine. I can escape the raw emotion and pretend, at least during sleep, that everything is ok. But one day, I am going to need to wake up.”- me

“I expect to pass through this world just once; any good thing therefore that I can do, or any kindness I can show to any fellow creature, let me do it now for I will not pass this way again.”- Ettiene DeGrellet

“Some days I don’t know if I am awake or asleep. Life occurs but whether it is in reality or my subconscious I am not sure. If I can live in the place where NIghtmares and Life are the same… should I not be able to find the place where reality and my dreams collide?”- me

“Sometimes God lets you hit rock bottom so that you will discover that He is the rock at the bottom.”- Dr. Tony Evans

“When we let go. We are free. Finding the strength to jump from the solid foundation is the greatest risk we will ever take. But it is one that must be taken to find happiness.”- me

 
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Posted by on October 25, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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A Good Day :)

It is rather ironic that often when we are in the most pain we forget who is always there for us. Who no matter how much we screw up loves us so much. Who just wants us to come to Him to be comforted.

It is amazing that even though we ignore Him and push Him away thinking we can get through things on our own that He always reveals how much we mean to Him and how much He love us and how much He wants us to return the love.

I was giving myself a solid week for self pity… I wasn’t sure how easy I was going to be able to end that self pity today… but from the moment I stepped outside this morning I felt God’s love surrounding me.

Today is probably the last warm day that we are going to have before fall/winter fully sets in… but in everything about today… the warmth, the sun, the cool breeze… I was able to feel God’s love and His want for me to be happy.

Yes life sucks sometimes. God never wants to see us hurting, but He can make beauty come from our pain.

I have learned SO MUCH. Especially in regards to myself.

I realize that I need to work on setting boundaries for myself. I’m usually only one extreme or another. I either have all my walls completely up, letting no one in or I put them all down and put my trust and faith completely in someone. Not that the latter thing is bad, but doing that quickly not only makes me vulnerable but it makes me extremely attached to that individual and it makes it hard to let them go. That isn’t good for me nor the individual who may end up seeing me as “clingy” or just overburden with me being my crazy self. lol.

I have heard a lot of good things about the book Boundaries. I think I’m going to buy it and start improving this aspect of myself. I need to learn to have healthy boundaries.

Also, I’m still new to this area and making friends has been difficult. I’ve moved a lot and usually I have no problem making friends. I usually ‘click’ with some people right away. That though hasn’t seem to happen yet with my cohort. My roommate and I are great friends, but we hardly see each other because we have such opposite schedules. So I’m having to learn how to make friends the way I guess normal people do. Besides my roommate I only clicked with only one other person, and as we all know I ruined that. I made that individual the center of my world (besides the fact that I loved him, I think it was just because I had found someone I clicked with so well in a city where I hardly knew anyone), which is unhealthy on SO MANY levels. The only person who should be the center of my world is God.

So yes, I screwed up. I made a mess of my life. But you know what? No mess is too big for God. He is always there to pick me right back up after I fall. He will always love me even though I don’t deserve it and I will always love Him.

God used today to draw me closer to him. The warmth of the day, the feel of the sun on my skin, the cool breeze, and just the general manner of all the people I came into contact with today: all happy and loving life. I also felt beautiful today… yea partly its because I’m wearing this gorgeous dress my parents bought me for my birthday… but it gave me the confidence I needed to enjoy the day and find the beauty in the day.

God is cleaning up the mess I made. I’ve emotionally been a wreck for the past week… but He is always there picking up the pieces. Showing me that His way is the better way. Even though I’m not sure what His way is…He is slowly showing me His plans through life lessons and His love.

I hope all of you had a great day today. God loves you!

 
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Posted by on October 24, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.
No matter what I say or do I’ll still feel you here ’til the moment I’m gone.

You hold me without touch.
You keep me without chains.
I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love and not feel your rain.

[CHORUS:]
Set me free, leave me be. I don’t want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I’m supposed to be.
But you’re on to me and all over me.

You loved me ’cause I’m fragile.
When I thought that I was strong.
But you touch me for a little while and all my fragile strength is gone.

[CHORUS]

I live here on my knees as I try to make you see that you’re everything I think I need here on the ground.
But you’re neither friend nor foe though I can’t seem to let you go.
The one thing that I still know is that you’re keeping me down
You’re on to me, on to me, and all over…
Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.

-Sara Bareilles- Gravity

 
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Posted by on October 23, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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Distractions…

So my heart won’t stop crying… my heart feels like it is either sobbing hysterically or constantly letting silent tears fall.

I keep coming so close to calling him just so that I can hear his voice.

But I can’t. Because even if I am willing to hurt myself again… I am not willing to hurt him again. He said he needed time. So whether that time is just a few months or many years… I will give it to him.

So while I don’t think my heart will ever stop crying… I think I can start distracting my mind at least.

I’ve been trying to determine what I should start doing as a “distraction.” Everything that I could think of thus far either somehow reminded me of him or was something that would allow too much thinking time, which would of course allow my thoughts to turn to him.

So I was thinking what could I do to completely distract me mentally and emotionally? Well that got me thinking about my OCD and completely overcoming it. While I am 99.9% ok OCD wise… a lot of that statistic comes from the fact that I avoid things (which yes I know is a compulsion but its harder to identify and point out).

One of the things that my OCD keeps me from doing but I want to do is to cook. Cooking scares the living daylights out me. I think it has to do with the fact that I almost burnt my apartment down once trying to cook. So I’ve basically been avoiding cooking for the past 4ish years.

So now… it is time to over come that. It will keep me mentally and emotionally occupied because as I begin I will probably be freaking out for a lot of it. It is also something that I can’t connect to him at all.

So not only will this be an amazing ERP, and a good distraction, but I will pick up a valuable and much needed life skill.

So I’m writing it here so that you guys can try to keep me accountable. Or at least it will keep me accountable just by the fact that I wrote it on here.

I want to start really small… even boiling water scares me…

But since cooking does take time and the life of a PhD student does not leave one with much time I think I’m just going to commit 2 days a week to cooking (using the actual stove) and 2 day a week to baking (baking scares me less but I only tend to bake those things that I’m really comfortable with).

While I don’t think my heart will ever stop crying, I think through this distraction the crying and pain may slowly become more bearable… at least I hope.

So on the menu for tonight: Fish stick salad!

hahahaha I know pathetic! But I just decided on doing this and I have no food in my house. Hopefully I can come up with some simple but more elegant foods to bake/cook.

 
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Posted by on October 23, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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Quotes

Just a couple of quotes I heard today that got me thinking about everything…

“Our hearts are cruel. They ask for love with no regard for their own safety and punish us for their own wanderings.”- my best friend

“Silence has the rusty taste of shame.” – unknown

“Guess I’d rather hurt than feel nothin’ at all.”- Lady Antebellum

I’ll probably add on as the night goes…

 
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Posted by on October 22, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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The Greatest Thing You’ll Ever Learn…

“The Greatest Thing You’ll Ever Learn, is Just to Love, and to be loved in return.”

I don’t regret any of the past 1.5 months.

I have never experienced so much hurt and heartache in my life. But I’ve also never experienced such love, passion, happiness, and peace in my life either.

I am very glad that I decided to escape from my cage and take a chance. Yes I got hurt. Yes it failed. But I learned, felt, and experienced so much that would never have been possible in a cage.

I’ve never had difficulties in terms of loving people. I know how to love others. It comes easy to me. I love everyone. I even love those who don’t deserve it and I love those who others find it difficult to love.

But I had never learned how to “be loved.”

You would think that was easy. Everyone loves to be loved because its all about them. People love to be the center of attention.

Yes, there are times when I love to be the center of attention, but I never do it in a way that I allow people to really see who I am.

As I mentioned a while back, I once had a friend who I lived with for three months in the middle of the jungle tell me almost a year later “You have such a hard exterior shell. I’m glad you are finally opening it up to me.”

It is very rare for me to open up to others unless they are one of my dearest friends or I am in an extremely vulnerable place.

I’m afraid to allow others to love me, in fear that I will find to be unwanted, unbeautiful, unworthy of life. I’m afraid for others to see who I really am in fear that they will find me an impostor or tell me my dreams are impossible. I don’t allow others to touch me, because I find it to be too intimate. Touch to me says that I trust them to love me and to not hurt me. But I have a hard time trusting others and to allowing them to love me.

I am unsure if he actually loved me. But that really isn’t what is in question or up for debate. What is important… is that if he did or wanted to..I was allowing him to love me. I was learning to take complements. I was learning that someone may possibly want to be with me. I was learning how to let someone in. I was learning and allowing someone to actually see who I was. I was learning to trust. I was learning how to let him love me.

Even though it didn’t work out, I really think all of this really helped me learn about myself and others a lot more.

This is life, so I am still in the process of learning. It will probably be a while until I have fully learned how to let someone love me. Especially since my grasp on love is so sketch to begin with. But… I think eventually I might be strong enough to try to learn again.

I still hurt a lot. It is hard not to hurt. Every single little thing reminds me of him. He is haunting my every thought, but I bet he is completely fine.

…in my process of learning how to be loved did I really make it that easy for him “to walk right in and out of my life”?

I actually hope and pray that he is fine… and that he isn’t haunted by thoughts of me… because this pain is unbearable, and I would still do anything to ensure he was ok. I want him to be happy.

…But anyway… I think I am getting stronger. It might not feel like it… but I think one day I might be able to eventually let him go.

But I want to continue to learn…

I not only want to love others, but I want to eventually allow others to love me.

 
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Posted by on October 21, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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