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Than to Never have loved at all?

In Memoriam A.H.H. Section 27 (1850) by Lord Tennyson

I envy not in any moods
The captive void of noble rage,
The linnet* born within the cage, *small bird
That never knew the summer woods:

I envy not the beast that takes
His license in the field of time,
Unfetter’d by the sense of crime,
To whom a conscience never wakes;

Nor, what may count itself as blest,
The heart that never plighted troth
But stagnates in the weeds of sloth;
Nor any want-begotten rest.

I hold it true, whate’er befall;
I feel it, when I sorrow most;
‘Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.

I wanted so badly before all of this to experience love. I wanted it with every fiber of my being. But… is it really better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all?

One shouldn’t envy the bird born in a cage who never got to experience the real world… but that bird always remained protected and safe. It may never have had experience joy… but it probably never experienced pain, save the constant want to fly through the open air.

What if the bird got to escape its cage for just a few moments and enjoy the open air? Is the joy that one can experience for just a little bit worth all of the pain later?

My OCD is currently telling me that I’m worthless and I don’t deserve to be happy. That I should just go back to my cage and stay there… b/c while I don’t experience joy in my cage, I don’t experience pain. It was all my fault it went bad. It was my fault it ended. I wasn’t good enough. I wasn’t strong enough. I wasn’t beautiful enough. I wasn’t wantable enough. I imagined it all. It is also telling me that I’ve wasted all my time. And that I could be doing so much better in life if I hadn’t allowed this “distraction” into my life.

I’m trying so hard not to listen to the OCD. The fact that I recognize it as OCD thoughts is great. I know they are wrong. I know it wasn’t my fault. I know that I am enough and that I am worthy of love. I just have to keep repeating that to myself. If there is anything I learned in this experience it is that I am worthy to be loved.

The pain though that I am currently dealing with though is unbearable. All I want to do is sleep. In fact, all I am doing is sleeping. I’m not crying. Just sleeping to escape the reality that I don’t want and to pretend that everything is as it was. I need to mourn properly but I don’t know how.

I learned a lot in this experience of love. I experienced pure love.

But is this pain of losing it worth it?

Is it really better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all? If I had stayed in my cage, I would be ok right now. Not good, not bad… but ok. I would also have remained a dreamer… a thinker that fairy tales could come true.

But really even though its all painful… I think I’m glad I left my cage and flew in the sky even for a little bit. And I still think I believe fairy tales can come true. Perhaps one day I can completely escape from my cage… and enjoy flying through the sky forever.

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Posted by on October 20, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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Heartache…

My heart hurts so bad…

All I want is for him to call me and tell me he realizes he was wrong. To tell me that he is sorry for hurting me so badly. Sorry that he pretended to love me and didn’t. Sorry that he thought he could protect me and he couldn’t.

I’ve already apologized on the parts I screwed up on… is it such a difficult thing for him to admit that he was wrong?

I really can’t do this anymore… anytime I think of him it just makes it worse. Every fiber of me aches for him… even though our whole relationship just wasn’t right.. I miss him so much… but this isn’t healthy for me.

I think I can promise myself though not to write of him again. I may not be able to make my thoughts keep their word about not thinking of him, but I can keep my fingers from writing about him.

Until he apologizes in person with flowers of very specific color… I shall write of him no more.

*sigh*

 
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Posted by on September 24, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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The Tin Man

Someone told me something yesterday that I didn’t think I would ever hear said about me.

“You have such a hard exterior shell. I’m glad you are finally opening it up to me.”

Never in a million years did I ever think that was true. I’m quiet and reserved yes, but once you get to know me I am extremely friendly and talkative… I lived with this particular person in the middle of no where in Mexico for three months last summer and have been good friends with them since then. I don’t understand how I could seem to have had an exterior shell that whole time.

But anyway.. I didn’t realize that that statement was going to be a foreshadowing.

My heart is broken. I knew it was going to break… I mean it kinda already was. I was prepared for it. Yes I did hold a small bit of hope, but I was prepared for what I was getting myself into. What I was not prepared for was the betrayal that I feel like I have gotten from a friend about the whole situation in which I knew I was getting my heart broken in.

I’m hurt. I’m sad. I feel unloved. I am so upset. I’m all these emotions at one time. But the thing is… I have a thesis due in 5 days. I don’t have time for this. I’m officially shutting down my emotions.

That exterior shell is now becoming the inner me, because I don’t want any part of these emotions anymore. They’ve gotten in the way of my academic dreams, but I won’t let them anymore. I’m not good enough nor will I ever be. So I’ll get rid of those feelings that make me feel that way and not feel them.

Just give me a moral compass. That is all I need. Nothing more.

I envy the Tin Man and his heartlessness. My heart has been wasted and is of no further use.

Dear Tin Man,

You can have my heart, because I don’t want it anymore.

Love, An empty shell

 
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Posted by on April 28, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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Love Actually… well only for those with Pheromones

So Christmas. It’s a time about love. Especially as portrayed in the movie Love Actually. I love this movie….It has so many happy stories, but it also shows that not everyone is able to have a “happily ever after.”

Honestly though I am an extremely hopeless romantic… I am so hopeless that I have tried to convince myself that I am truly cynical about love….I have never seen the true manifestation of love. Well that is if I know what love is and if it is what it is like in the movies (which I highly doubt). But my parents marriage isn’t the best, none of my grandparents’, or siblings’ marriages are either. But I do have a fairly dysfunctional family, in which love is only seen in the fact that secrets are kept and lies are told… depressing…   but honestly deep down…. I want nothing more than true love…. To believe that its true… to know that it does exist….but sadly I know it’s not for me….

I’m in my twenties and have only been on two dates (with the same guy).  I’ve never been kissed. My friends actually tell me that this is a good thing, because when it does happen it will be extremely special. Which is true, I am not denying that… but well it’s depressing.

My love life has many ironic stories involved.

Well “love life” is an odd noun to describe it. I can’t say that I’ve ever been “in love.” At least I don’t think.

My first serious ‘possibility’ was in high school. He was my best guy friend. I had a huge crush on him, but due to family rules I wasn’t allowed to date or have a boyfriend until I was 16. So I suppressed my feelings.  One semester though he declared his undying love for me through a series of events and poems. To be honest, I didn’t handle it well at all. I was in a constant state of “do I tell him how I feel? But it wouldn’t matter b/c my parents wouldn’t let me date him. But i don’t really like him that way, so it doesn’t matter.”

Honestly, I know I’m slightly hard on myself, because I was young and naive. But I screwed up, I toyed with his feelings but mostly b/c I myself was lost. But anyway after a very long bout of many fight (that made me also lose my other best friend, since we put her in the middle of all of this), the guy friend and I made up and we were friends again.

I then learned something absolutely “horrible” about him though at one point. He had OCD!

“GASP! Omg! that must mean he is crazy!” I honestly didn’t think he was ‘crazy’ but my parents did. They felt that his need to see me every day (which felt to my young self as ‘stalking’ even though it wasn’t) was part of his OCD. The compulsion to see me all the time. OCD, my parents told me was a horrible thing. And anyone who has any type of mental problem like that (they didn’t know anything about OCD then AT ALL they just made a series of judgements based on no facts…such as it’s a mental problem when really its a physical chemical imbalance) should never be in any relationship.

Well anyway. After one more fight that me and my guy friend had, my parents put an end to it. They refused to allow me to have any contact with him. In one class I had with him the next year, my parents made me tell my teacher that I couldn’t sit anywhere near him.

I hurt him really bad emotionally. I think we were both pretty scarred from this experience. I have never really forgiven myself for this happening either. I mean a lot of stuff went down, including him becoming ‘suicidal’ (though I am not so sure how true that is and not just a fabrication) and loosing my other best friend (though we are best friends again).

So this lesson taught me several things: If you have OCD you can never be happy. Love/relationships are something that need to be treated extremely fragile to the point that one shouldn’t enter into a relationship in fear of hurting all parties involved…. see the fallacies in this?

Then my family moved. To a very small town of very clicky people. I did not have many friends in this town except those who also hadn’t grown up in this town all their lives. Which was probably a grand total of 5 of us. I had actually lived in this town in middle school, so I knew several people. Including my old crush. But of course… me having no pheromones…. he chose not to “remember me” (which is crap considering we had half our classes together, lived on the same street, and talked ALL the time in middle school). But you know what? whatever. I was upset but I got over it.

Drama then occurred during the Prom season. My best friend had her heart set on going with this one boy. Well it turns out this one boy wanted to go with me (so ironic). So I told him no, because I couldn’t do that to my best friend. I told my best friend though and she told me to tell him yes. Said boy then got his best friend to go to prom with my best friend. We all went on a group date. And it was great we had tons of fun. Then prom came….. so much drama occurred… and basically by the end of the night only my best friend and I were still talking. Nothing truly bad happened. But basically the guy I went with was so embarrassed about how bad everything went that he never really talked to me again.

I then went to undergrad. Never had a single date. I was asked out once. But when I told him I couldn’t b/c I had a paper due that week but would love to another time…. he took that as a rejection. Sadly. But basically, I put my school work and volunteer jobs ahead of all my possible relationships and friendships. Growing up, I was told that school should always come first. My oldest sister was always criticized for always having a boyfriend. So I thought that it was wrong anyway. Basically, school comes first no matter what.

So that’s basically where I am now. In grad school. With a tragically boring love life. Currently…. I’m dealing with unrequited love. But since friends of mine read this, I won’t be going into that now.

My answer gathered from all of the above: (A) I have no pheromones. (B) I’m not worthy of love due to all the mistakes I made  (C) I have OCD so I should never have a relationship

To everyone with OCD this last answer is complete and utter crap. Just b/c you have OCD does not mean you can’t be in a relationship or get married or anything. Tons of people with OCD do. BUT my family conditioned me in such a way to think that OCD was such a terrible thing, that I don’t feel like I will ever be worthy of love. Depressing I know. But soooo Ironically sad. My parents have tried to retract this statement from their views on life (especially now that they know more about OCD since I made them read about it), but I have a hard time not believing it. I mean my brother married someone who my parents also labeled as “not mentally stable” (which is not true she just has depression issues) and told me many a times that she should have never married my brother or anyone due to this. And I stress this is completely and utterly WRONG. But I can’t get over it.

I feel like I screwed up so much and now I have OCD. I am not worthy of love and I shouldn’t put myself in that situation, because inevitably someone will be hurt.

I would never tell current crush how I feel, because I am terrified that one of us will get hurt because it won’t work b/c I have OCD.

I have such a cynical view on love. BUT I so want it to exist for me. With EVERY fiber of my being.

I’m actually watching Love Actually right now. And one of the stories is about unrequited love. And in this scene Mark tells his best friend’s wife that he is in love with her. He tells her this by writing it on large pieces of cardboard, so that her husband doesn’t hear them.

My favorite quote: “But for now, let me say – Without hope or agenda – Just because it’s Christmas – And at Christmas you tell the truth – To me, you are perfect – And my wasted heart will love you – Until you look like this (shows picture of a mummy).- Mark From Love Actually ♥

But here I am. I remain cynical and secretly I harbor some hope… even if it is an extremely small amount.

I will end up an old maid, but I’m coming to terms with this. After all as Elizabeth Bennett says in the Keira Knightly Version of Pride and Prejudice “Only deep love will persuade me to marry. Which is why I’ll end up an old maid.”

So this is a depressing post for the Christmas season. So please go watch Love Actually and feel love (ignore the few depressing stories even though I feel like my life will end up like those).

Ok… I’m gonna go now before I make this more depressing. I hope all of you had a marvelous christmas! 🙂

 
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Posted by on December 26, 2011 in Uncategorized

 

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