RSS

Tag Archives: heartache

Last week…

So last week was Fred and I’s anniversary… On September 4, 2012 he started talking to me…

For my few friends who read this you may or may not be surprised at the fact that I let Fred see me again a few days before our anniversary and the day after (I know so stupid!! you don’t have to yell at me! I’m yelling at myself!).

There is no explanation of why I allowed him to see me. I knew one thing would lead to another as always… I mean that is the only reason that he came to see me. But my indescribable draw towards him allowed him back in… just for two nights…

While the time I have with him is always so happy, the moment he leaves me I’m left with less of myself than before… so incredibly sad and broken.

But this ‘boy’ has taken up a year of my life… I won’t let him have anymore of it. I refuse. I’m done. The tiny bit of happiness he gives me isn’t worth the pain that he also gives me. I’m tired of hurting. I’m tired of not being whole.

I’m stronger now than I use to be and I won’t let him back in. The master manipulator is gone forever from my life.

It is wrong that someone like him can have such power over my life. He held my heart in his hands and he did not treat it as precious… in fact he destroyed it.

But hearts, they are supposed to resilient, aren’t they? I won’t let him have power over me any more. I will take the remains of my heart back and what will come out of it will be more beautiful than it was before.

Advertisements
 
Leave a comment

Posted by on September 9, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

Tags: , , , , ,

Trying to find clarity

So that freight train from my last post? Yea… turned out that it exploded in my meadow like a nuclear bomb…. Right when I was finally becoming so happy too.

It was as if I had raised the white flag saying that I surrendered in a war that I had begun and my opponent let me go free… only for that grudge to explode as a nuclear bomb when everything was finally alright again, when I was finally, for once, happy.

I’m trying to pretend that I am ok… hoping that pretending will become reality…

But to say that I was ok would be lying.

I’ve always known that my concept of love has always been a little shaky. I’ve never really had great examples of it in my life… but from this experience I know what love isn’t… or if it is this… then love is not something that I want at all.

A very different situation occurred to me 8 years ago that had the exact same outcome as this current situation. The common denominator in both of them… is me.

Maybe I’m the creator of the nuclear bombs… sure I don’t hit the detonate button. In fact I’ve usually run far away by the time that that button is even considered being pushed… but the button could never have been pushed if it wasn’t my fault for the creation of it in the first place.

:(. I don’t know what to think. I feel though like if I ignore it then I am a horrible person. I feel like though if I try to reach out to the nuclear bomb to make sure it doesn’t have a secondary explosion that my touch will make it go off. But if I do nothing it may go off anyway.

I don’t want it to go off at all… I want it to be ok and not need to explode… but maybe if it is going to explode in any situation, I deserve to go down with it (just to clarify: this is in very non-suicidal terms on my part).

Seriously… why does my life have to be so complicated?? I hate drama so much… but I can’t get away from it… I think it’s because I care too much… but what if my caring is what is creating the problem?

*sigh* 😦

 
1 Comment

Posted by on February 25, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

Tags: , , , ,

Broken Objects

I was broken once… I don’t think I am broken anymore. I mean I have my ups and downs just like anyone else… but my soul isn’t broken anymore… I feel like a whole person.

Because I’ve been there… I’ve been broken… I’ve been in spots where I never thought that I could live again, let alone be happy… I want to help others who are in that spot… for them to realize that they can be whole again… its just a process that you yourself have to be fully committed to.

Yes, I could not have been whole again if it wasn’t for the wonderful people who were and are around me, loving me, supporting me, just being there for me. But in the end… no matter what they did for me in the end I had to fix me.

My friends were able to put bandaids on my wounds and make some spots not hurt anymore… but it was like I was a leaking bucket… No matter how much they tried to fix me and no matter how much water and love they poured into me… I just kept leaking and I drained them. There was a hole no one else could see. Only I knew where it was and only I could fix it.

And I did. It wasn’t easy. In fact it was the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. But somehow after months and months of being empty… I was once again able to finally feel whole and full.

It is so hard now… when I see someone being in the place where I once was… to not try to constantly fix them… to constantly fill up their bucket. I try SO hard to fill their bucket up… but I keep draining myself out…

It is like on an airplane… you shouldn’t help someone else put their oxygen mask before you put on your own…

Thats what I tried to do. I had my oxygen mask on! but somehow in the process of trying to help the individual they accidentally tore mine off and they still don’t have theirs on! So I am now having to fumble for my oxygen mask and they are panicking and it is making it hard for me to get mine back on and they are still needing oxygen!

My own bucket is emptying out because I was pouring absolutely everything I had into the individual.

I have to separate myself now from the individual. Not just for my own good but for theirs too. I can’t help them if I am empty or oxygenless.

But I need to realize that until that individual can calm down and reach for their own oxygen mask or fix the whole in their bucket that I can’t see…. there is nothing I can do for them. It is so hard to watch helplessly… is it wrong if I completely turn away from them? If they are killing me in the process of killing themselves?

I wish I could help the individual so much. There is nothing else in this world that I would rather do, but I can’t save them. They have to save themselves. They have to fix the hole I can’t see… they have to calm down and allow me to put the oxygen mask on them or reach out for it on their own.

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on February 7, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

Tags: , , , , ,

Easier…

So I thought that since I FINISHED THE SEMESTER (WOOT!!) I would be able to think clearer and things would be easier… but nope… I’m just as sad and heartbroken as ever… if not worse…

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on December 12, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

Tags: , ,

My Current Playlist

I find that when I can’t express myself, music and its lyrics can convey more than I ever could in words. At least these songs prove I’m not alone in the sense I’m not the only one who has ever felt this way. My heart hurts…

Playlist
(1) Gravity- Sara Braeilles
(2) Almost Lover- A Fine Frenzy
(3) White Horse- Taylor Swift
(4) Wish You Were- Kat Voegele
(5) Jar of Hearts- Christina Perri
(6) Somebody That I use to Know- Goyte
(7) Possibility- Lykke Li
(8) Honestly- Kelly Clarkson
(9) Keep Breathing- Ingrid Michaelson
(10) Need You Now- Lady Antebellum
(11) Nicest Thing- Kate Nash

I know I have posted several of these songs before but they have currently been defining my life for a while.

 
1 Comment

Posted by on November 17, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

Tags: , , , ,

Control Freak…

So I kinda always knew I was a bit of a control freak… but I’m just really realizing that now lol. so…. Hi my name is Brooke and I am a control freak…. I freely admit it.

Seeing potential in people is great… but trying to force them into that potential is controlling and wrong. It doesn’t matter that I see 2% of someone as absolutely amazing… 2% that could be used as amazing potential to better who they are.

That isn’t for me to say. It is wrong for me to try to make that person become the person that I see. B/c that isn’t who they are. That is unfair to them. Who am I to tell them who they should or shouldn’t be? … even if they have hurt me…

I realize that now. I wish I would have realized that sooner. Maybe I would have saved myself and others a lot of heartache. It isn’t for me to tell someone who they should or shouldn’t be. Even if I think I believe they have incredible potential or that they are hiding a really amazing part of themselves from the world, that isn’t for me to say or decide for them.

I can’t control others. I can only control myself and be responsible for my actions.

I guess it is a life lesson, and I shouldn’t be too hard on myself. I know that now and that is what matters. It is never to late to learn something and better yourself, even if you can’t better others. lol.

“Wish You Were” by Kate Voegele

Gone away are the golden days
Just a page in my diary
So here I am, a utopian citizen
Still convinced there’s no such thing as idealism

Memories they’re following me like a shadow now
And I’m dreaming
And I’ve already suffered the fever of disbelief

I’ve seen your act
And I know all the facts
I’m still in love with who I wish you were
It ain’t hard to see
Who you are underneath
I’m still in love with who I wish you were
And I wish you were here

I was true as the sky is blue
I couldn’t soon say the same for you
So now I find denial in my eyes
I’m mesmerized by the picture that’s in my mind

Tell me when I’ll finally see your shallow heart
For what it is
Cause I don’t want to keep on believing in illusions

[Chorus]

Sometimes I can’t explain
And I’m so sorry that I can’t
I’ll try to concentrate
On your true identity

[Chorus]

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on November 8, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

A Good Day :)

It is rather ironic that often when we are in the most pain we forget who is always there for us. Who no matter how much we screw up loves us so much. Who just wants us to come to Him to be comforted.

It is amazing that even though we ignore Him and push Him away thinking we can get through things on our own that He always reveals how much we mean to Him and how much He love us and how much He wants us to return the love.

I was giving myself a solid week for self pity… I wasn’t sure how easy I was going to be able to end that self pity today… but from the moment I stepped outside this morning I felt God’s love surrounding me.

Today is probably the last warm day that we are going to have before fall/winter fully sets in… but in everything about today… the warmth, the sun, the cool breeze… I was able to feel God’s love and His want for me to be happy.

Yes life sucks sometimes. God never wants to see us hurting, but He can make beauty come from our pain.

I have learned SO MUCH. Especially in regards to myself.

I realize that I need to work on setting boundaries for myself. I’m usually only one extreme or another. I either have all my walls completely up, letting no one in or I put them all down and put my trust and faith completely in someone. Not that the latter thing is bad, but doing that quickly not only makes me vulnerable but it makes me extremely attached to that individual and it makes it hard to let them go. That isn’t good for me nor the individual who may end up seeing me as “clingy” or just overburden with me being my crazy self. lol.

I have heard a lot of good things about the book Boundaries. I think I’m going to buy it and start improving this aspect of myself. I need to learn to have healthy boundaries.

Also, I’m still new to this area and making friends has been difficult. I’ve moved a lot and usually I have no problem making friends. I usually ‘click’ with some people right away. That though hasn’t seem to happen yet with my cohort. My roommate and I are great friends, but we hardly see each other because we have such opposite schedules. So I’m having to learn how to make friends the way I guess normal people do. Besides my roommate I only clicked with only one other person, and as we all know I ruined that. I made that individual the center of my world (besides the fact that I loved him, I think it was just because I had found someone I clicked with so well in a city where I hardly knew anyone), which is unhealthy on SO MANY levels. The only person who should be the center of my world is God.

So yes, I screwed up. I made a mess of my life. But you know what? No mess is too big for God. He is always there to pick me right back up after I fall. He will always love me even though I don’t deserve it and I will always love Him.

God used today to draw me closer to him. The warmth of the day, the feel of the sun on my skin, the cool breeze, and just the general manner of all the people I came into contact with today: all happy and loving life. I also felt beautiful today… yea partly its because I’m wearing this gorgeous dress my parents bought me for my birthday… but it gave me the confidence I needed to enjoy the day and find the beauty in the day.

God is cleaning up the mess I made. I’ve emotionally been a wreck for the past week… but He is always there picking up the pieces. Showing me that His way is the better way. Even though I’m not sure what His way is…He is slowly showing me His plans through life lessons and His love.

I hope all of you had a great day today. God loves you!

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on October 24, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

Tags: , , , , , , , , ,