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I’m Done

I’m done.

I don’t know how to be done but I’m completely and utterly done.

Why do you have to keep lying to me?? Why can’t you just leave me alone??

So I mentioned Fred in my last post. I didn’t mention all of what happened, because I didn’t think it was that big of a deal, but he basically told me that one of the reasons he was reaching out to me was because his girlfriend (the girl he started dating exclusively one week after he “officially” ended things with me) had broken up with him and he “missed me.”

The whole entire time he was trying to get me to let him see me, but I kept refusing. After I told him I couldn’t even have a business relationship with him (b/c apparently he was trying to do that) because it hurt too much to talk to him he said “Whatever, I am done with the drama” so I reblocked him.

Turns out… that girlfriend who dumped him? Yea she didn’t dump him… they are still together…

I only find this out b/c instead of FB giving a blank picture to someone you have blocked but still have messages from (I wanted to keep them around to remind me how horrible of a person he was), they keep their profile picture now. And guess who changed his profile picture to his romantic valentines dinner with her??

WHY??? Why did he contact me?? Why did he lie about that?? WTF????

Seriously was I only ever sex to you??? Is she not giving you any so that is why you had to reach out to me??

How can you be like that?? How can someone like you exist??

I’m happy now. I have Max… so PLEASE stop haunting me. PLEASE leave me alone. I don’t even want the ghost of you to ┬áhave any more control or effect on me.

JUST LEAVE ME BE…..

 

 

 

….please.

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Posted by on February 17, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

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Broken Objects

I was broken once… I don’t think I am broken anymore. I mean I have my ups and downs just like anyone else… but my soul isn’t broken anymore… I feel like a whole person.

Because I’ve been there… I’ve been broken… I’ve been in spots where I never thought that I could live again, let alone be happy… I want to help others who are in that spot… for them to realize that they can be whole again… its just a process that you yourself have to be fully committed to.

Yes, I could not have been whole again if it wasn’t for the wonderful people who were and are around me, loving me, supporting me, just being there for me. But in the end… no matter what they did for me in the end I had to fix me.

My friends were able to put bandaids on my wounds and make some spots not hurt anymore… but it was like I was a leaking bucket… No matter how much they tried to fix me and no matter how much water and love they poured into me… I just kept leaking and I drained them. There was a hole no one else could see. Only I knew where it was and only I could fix it.

And I did. It wasn’t easy. In fact it was the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. But somehow after months and months of being empty… I was once again able to finally feel whole and full.

It is so hard now… when I see someone being in the place where I once was… to not try to constantly fix them… to constantly fill up their bucket. I try SO hard to fill their bucket up… but I keep draining myself out…

It is like on an airplane… you shouldn’t help someone else put their oxygen mask before you put on your own…

Thats what I tried to do. I had my oxygen mask on! but somehow in the process of trying to help the individual they accidentally tore mine off and they still don’t have theirs on! So I am now having to fumble for my oxygen mask and they are panicking and it is making it hard for me to get mine back on and they are still needing oxygen!

My own bucket is emptying out because I was pouring absolutely everything I had into the individual.

I have to separate myself now from the individual. Not just for my own good but for theirs too. I can’t help them if I am empty or oxygenless.

But I need to realize that until that individual can calm down and reach for their own oxygen mask or fix the whole in their bucket that I can’t see…. there is nothing I can do for them. It is so hard to watch helplessly… is it wrong if I completely turn away from them? If they are killing me in the process of killing themselves?

I wish I could help the individual so much. There is nothing else in this world that I would rather do, but I can’t save them. They have to save themselves. They have to fix the hole I can’t see… they have to calm down and allow me to put the oxygen mask on them or reach out for it on their own.

 
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Posted by on February 7, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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