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Changed Life

Well guys… its been almost a month… it has been only 15 day though since I’ve started my new life… and my life is soooo incredibly different… and I absolutely love it!!!

I have soooo much to update you guys on!! but where to begin???? Sorry I haven’t written in so long! I’ve been trying to get my new footing and it has left me extremely exhausted in the evenings! Even too exhausted to write!! But I promise! Cross my heart that I will update everyone on all the happiness that now fills my life!!! (and I am happy without a guy!! seriously!… well I wouldn’t mind at all to have a bf… particularly ex-bf back… but whatever I can be happy without a bf because look at me I’m happy now!!)

But anyway! Expect lots of posts in the days to come!!

 
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Posted by on May 30, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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Sneak Attack

I’ve been feeling a little off for most of the day. I pulled an allnighter on Tuesday to get a paper done for Wednesday. Apparently I’m getting too old for allnighters… and the moment I got home on Wednesday around 1pm I fell asleep… until 7pm… and then I was up for about three hours and fell back to sleep around 1030 or 11… I then meant to wake up at like 6am since I had gotten so much sleep… but I didn’t wake up until 1000… thankfully thursdays are my only late school days…

And all that sleep just made me more tired… so I was basically a walking zombie all day. I then went out to dinner and on my way back… I randomly had an all out panic attack.

I haven’t had a full blown panic attack that bad in over a year… I really don’t understand what brought it on…

can my weird sleep cycle have done it for me? I haven’t been taking my Klonopin for the majority of this semester b/c my psychiatrist and I decided I didn’t really need it anymore… but I had to take it again today in order to stop the panic attack… and it takes 45 min to kick in… so that wasn’t fun…

I just don’t understand… why did this randomly happen??

not cool body/brain… not cool… I’m just gonna go to sleep now where you can’t make me have more panic attacks…

 
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Posted by on April 25, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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I just want to be happy…

I know why I am so down right now.

I’m trying to write a paper. And anytime I’m stressed, I get pretty depressed and anxious about life.

But honestly… all I want out of life is to be happy.

I’ve been unhappy for so long…. I mean there have been moments when I am happy… but those are just blips on the radar not a reflection of what is really there.

Before the Ex was my Ex… I was truly happy. He made me sooooo incredibly happy. Even when things were bad, I just needed to look to him and I would see joy in the world. And it wasn’t b/c he was a particularly optimistic person… in fact he was rather pessimistic… but often in me trying to correct his pessimistic views I would see the optimism in the world.

I guess I should try to do that too myself. My brain (well the OCD) is very pessimistic… why can’t I just tell it what I told the Ex about how being optimistic is good for your soul and everyone surrounding you?

I’m happy in situations in which I am needed. I thrive in being needed. So when the Ex broke up with me… I was no longer needed. He can easily survive without me… but b/c he was the only one at the time who needed me I couldn’t/can’t survive without him.

That is why it took me so long to finally end things with Fred… because I knew that I needed to be needed… and though he ended up making me feel like I was only needed for sex… I felt that deep down he needed me just to remind him that there is good in the world. He needed me. I had a purpose. But then I realized he was totally manipulating me and using me. Now that the Ex has broken up with me, I keep having thoughts of going back to Fred. I know its a horrible idea… but why do I have these thoughts? It’s because I want to be needed and I hope he would need me the right way (although I highly doubt in a 1,000 years he will realize how to need someone the right way).

But if I thrive on being needed, does that mean I thrive on being used?

No, I don’t think so… because I think in case of need people won’t take more than they are in need of and in terms of being used a person just takes and takes and takes without giving anything in return.

I don’t feel needed in academia.

I feel needed in my family. But OCD often gets in my way, creating fears… so when I finally feel happy about being needed… OCD takes over and tells me I’m ruining everyone’s life by my need to be happy.

It just some times I feel like if I wasn’t here no one would notice my absence. I could easily be replaced by someone else… such as in the fact that the Ex is already back on the online dating website that we met on looking for a person to replace me… because he doesn’t need me anymore for his happiness. He is completely happy without me.

But should I be content and happy on my own? I unfortunately though don’t think I am programed that way. Even if I had everything in the world, I think I would be miserable if I wasn’t needed.

Also when it comes to the Ex… I think its partly because before I met him I was sooooo incredibly miserable with all the Fred stuff that he just made me go from soooo low to sooooo high and now I’m facing whiplash from that. I’m no where near as down as I was with the Fred stuff. I’m so glad that I’m not. But now that I’ve had a taste of that happiness. I want it back. I NEED it back.

… I just want to be needed.

… I just want to be happy.

 
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Posted by on April 24, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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A long week

So this week has been rather long… it was actually long starting on Monday… and considering that is basically the first day of the week… that says something..

So to quickly summarize my week

(1) Worried about BF b/c he got his appendix taken out
(2) Pulled an all nighter Sunday night for a huge paper that I had due on Monday… pretty sure I didn’t do well on that paper considering that what I wrote about didn’t actually fit the topic…
(3) Forgot that I had a presentation in a class until Monday at 6:00am… after only 1.5 hours of sleep
(4) struggled through the morning to get ready to present by 10am… did pretty bad… not horrific… but like when i was presenting I couldn’t read my own notes… which isn’t good
(5) Went home to take a nap prior to pulling second all nighter to finish a project for the next day and couldn’t sleep at all…
(6) No motivation for project…
(7) BF broke up with me bc he said my feelings were too strong for him and his weren’t close enough… said we could be friends… not having slept in 36 hours I quickly got off the phone with him (seriously it was like a 45 second phone call) so that he didn’t hear me break down in hysterical sobs
(8) Hysterical sobs for a couple of hours
(9) Attempted to work on project
(10) Accidentally cried myself to sleep
(11) Had to teach the next morning… ended up letting my class out after only 15 minutes b/c I was afraid of hysterical sobs during class
(12) Spent the next 4 hours hysterically working on my project… my only motivation was fear of being humiliated in front of my class (b/c the project was a lecture)
(13) Somehow survived lecture… but def didn’t do too hot considering I didn’t practice it at all, so I didn’t time it, so I was afraid of going over, so I talked about a million miles an hour
(14) Shopped… shopping always makes me feel better… and it did but only for the time that I was shopping
(15) Got home… cried some more
(16) tried to sleep but failed (which is really saying something b/c usually when I’m upset I just sleep… but I was so upset that I was crying which is like a 10 on the 1 to 10 upset scale… b/c I never cry)
(17) watched titanic… tried to drown my sorrows in icecream… actually didn’t work… I actually couldn’t eat all my icecream! I’m not sure if that has ever happened before
(18) and then finally at like midnight fell asleep
(19) had to wake up at 6 am for class… didn’t wake up til 7am… rushed to school and got to class 15 minutes late
(20) and now I’m sitting here typing instead of preparing for next class that I have in 30 minutes that I didn’t read for at all…

AND to top it all off… before ANY of this crap happened… over the weekend I decided that I was going to have a final decision about my future in academia by Friday. Like I already made an appointment to talk to the graduate advisor of my program… all my email says was that I wanted to talk about my “academic career”… which could just mean I want to talk to him about my trajectory… but really I think its going to be the “this is my last semester” talk…

And its going to break my heart… yes I realize that I truly need to get out of academia its not good for my health… but academia is me… and without it who am I? I don’t know…

 
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Posted by on April 3, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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Decisions, Decisions

So yes… I am partly writing this post in order to avoid doing work… but also because I need to figure things out…

In a month and ten days I leave for field work… and I am terrified…

It was the last time I was doing field work (Summer 2011) that made my manageable OCD become severe… it was during field work that I realized that I no longer wanted to live (when my OCD was bad… not now… I def want to live now)… it was during fieldwork that my world fell apart… not that it had really been together… I mean the year before was really manageable (Fall 2010- Spring 2011), actually it was pretty great… but I must admit even though I didn’t know what it was then the year (Spring 2009- Fall 2009) before my good year my OCD was moderate/severe… and thinking about it… it was worse when I was doing field work…

I’ve actually only had one pretty good OCD free field work experience (Spring 2010)… well actually two if you count another time but it was only for two weeks and it wasn’t the aggressive kind of field work I normally do…

but this time around I will only be doing a week or two of the aggressive kind of field work… but its during the less aggressive field work of Summer 2011 that my OCD reached its peak of badness…

Sorry for all the talking in circles… it would be SO much better if I could just describe to yall what I actually did… but my academic field is too small and I fear being discovered lol

Its just my OCD has been really good… I mean in part it might be because of all the drama that has been happening in my life which has been distracting the OCD brain… but I just don’t want to chance it…

My therapist and I started talking about this on Thursday…

and man did my OCD go wild of thinking of all the things that could happen in the field… like it got to the point where my therapist and I were laughing about it… it went something like this..

“And what if I have to throw a battery out while there because its explodes? but you can’t throw batteries out down there because it will leak into the ground and get into the water… and yea it would be a small battery and wouldn’t hurt anyone… but maybe it would cause someone to get cancer! and it would be all my fault that someone would get cancer! and this area is really poor so like they wouldn’t be able to get any treatment… and they would die from a horrible disease just b/c I came down there and my battery exploded!”

and it just kind of goes on and on..

I mean part of me feels like I just need to get back on the horse… but… as my therapist pointed out… sometimes people aren’t ready to get back up on the horse and they try and just make it extremely worse…

I’m scared… I’m scared of getting there and realizing I can’t be there and having to come back… because that would also mean I’m totally done in this field… there would be no return for academia because you can’t have that without the field work… they go hand in hand…

I’m so scared of quitting though… I don’t know what to do with my life if I quit… I don’t know who I am if I quit… I’ve been chasing after this dream since the third grade… I have a 6 page Curriculum Vitae!

I’m also realizing that I am scared of what happens if everything is good during field work? And there is no OCD freak outs? Does that mean I need to continue in this field? Does that mean I’m supposed to be in academia?

I’m scared of continuing… I’m scared of quitting… I’m scared of not knowing…

I’m scared…

 
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Posted by on March 30, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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Y’all I have issues…

So originally, I was going to post this really happy post about how wonderful life is… because it really is… life is amazing… well maybe amazing is a little to strong… but I seem to be more happy than sad which is good!

But then I had a realization today about myself… and while I’ll try to post something happy next time (b/c this blog is really lacking in happiness)… right now I need to post this… horrible realization that I have had… that is nonetheless absolutely hilarious…

Y’all… I’m a slut…

I fully admit…

I’m a slut…

a love slut…

No I’m not sleeping around… but I give my love away willingly to people with no care in the world!

Seriously?! What is wrong with me?! Am I a masochists?

There was Fred… who I would have followed any where in the world… and when I was FINALLY tired of being used and realized that he was totally an emotional abuser, I finally got rid of him… but that lasted how long? 4 1/2 month ish? The whole entire time I was saying “HERE IS MY HEART! TAKE IT!! I GIVE IT TO YOU!!!!”

I was so willing!! so wanting! And it wasn’t/isn’t that I want love in return… (well I do but..)… I just want someone to let me love them! What is wrong with that???

Yes I’m totally quoting Twilight here but one of the Chapter Titles from Jacob Black’s perspective is “What do I look Like? The Wizard of Oz? You Need a Brain? You Need a Heart? Go Ahead. Take Mine. Take Everything I Have.”

Its like I seriously want to be the wizard of oz. I just really want someone to take what I give them and be grateful for it.

And well… the reason I feel slutty… well this part isn’t as hilarious as above… but good and bad at all the same time… is that I’ve met someone wonderful… We’ve officially been together for 5 weeks… he appreciates me… he cherishes me… he takes good care of me… he is the biggest goofball and makes me constantly laugh… and he loves video games and playing them with me! He isn’t embarrassed of me and introduced me to his best friend who visited from out of town, and takes me to church with him… its been 5 weeks and we’ve yet to have a fight… he is so good to me…

but its only been 5 weeks… and what do we find? I find that I think I’m falling in love with him…

You think that would be good… but I thought I was in love with Fred 2 months ago… I would have married him the second he had asked me (well before he pretended to attempt suicide and failed and then got angry at me for contacting his parents b/c I thought he was unconscious in a hospital somewhere… seriously this kid needs to go on Jerry Springer…)…

is it just b/c I am a love slut? is it just b/c I want to give my love so badly to someone else that I find that I’m falling “in love” with this amazing new guy?

I love that he and I are taking things slow… but I’m freaking out b/c I haven’t heard from him at all today (and I only heard from him very briefly over the past two days… like not real conversations)… and I’m freaking out that he is mad at me… for some unknown reasons (well actually I have kinda of a reason but I’m too embarrassed to post it… but lets just say it has to do with personal limits and me telling him that I’m ready to go beyond those personal limits and him turning me down… and now i feel like he thinks I’m a legit slut…) and that he will do what Fred did and stop talking to me because he was upset with me and not tell me why…

But in reality… I’m sure he is just insanely busy with work stuff and is stressed and not thinking about me… because I should be confident in what we have?

but… um… hello!!!! I’m the least confident person in the world!!!!!

and so really… this could be all about nothing… but I’m sitting here trying to come up with all the logical things of why he could be mad at me and how to bring up this conversation in the first place… but really I just need to focus on the fact that he isn’t Fred and he wouldn’t do that to me…

and the sad thing is I’m 98% sure this isn’t OCD obsessing but just me obsessing about something that isn’t even real because in truth he is probably just busy…

but I just want him to let me love him… whats wrong with just asking how someone’s day was? Urg… I am OCD obsessing over being clingy… b/c Fred always told me that I was being clingy… and so I don’t want to be clingy to new boy… so I’ve only tried to communicate with him once today instead of sending multiple texts… but maybe new boy will think that I don’t like him b/c I am not worried that I haven’t heard from him???

And like the simple thing would be to just talk to him about it… but I’m afraid if I talk to him about fearing that he is angry at me b/c I haven’t heard from him (when it really is just all rooted in how I was treated by Fred) that he will think I’m clingy and dump me… so I don’t even want to talk about it with him…

Urg… why are relationships so hard!!!

Why won’t anyone just let me love them!!! I want to be a love slut to only one individual by golly!!! Why is that so hard!!!

***UPDATE*** Omg!!! It turns out he got his appendix taken out and that is why I haven’t heard from him!!! I feel so bad now thinking something was wrong with “us” when he was in the hospital!! Why did no one tell me?? I mean there are a lot of legit reasons like his phone had died and he doesn’t have my phone number memorized so couldn’t call me from the hospital when he realized what it was… or he left his phone at work b/c he was in such pain and didn’t think about brining his phone and again didn’t have my number memorized… he let me know the moment he got home though… thankfully his mom flew in and is here for him… I want to go to him… but he just had major surgery… I dont’ want to be in the way of his mom… especially in his tiny apartment… urg… boys and their lack of communication!!! Either way as soon as he is recovered we are having a talk about him contacting me if he goes to the hospital!

 
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Posted by on March 27, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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Broken Objects

I was broken once… I don’t think I am broken anymore. I mean I have my ups and downs just like anyone else… but my soul isn’t broken anymore… I feel like a whole person.

Because I’ve been there… I’ve been broken… I’ve been in spots where I never thought that I could live again, let alone be happy… I want to help others who are in that spot… for them to realize that they can be whole again… its just a process that you yourself have to be fully committed to.

Yes, I could not have been whole again if it wasn’t for the wonderful people who were and are around me, loving me, supporting me, just being there for me. But in the end… no matter what they did for me in the end I had to fix me.

My friends were able to put bandaids on my wounds and make some spots not hurt anymore… but it was like I was a leaking bucket… No matter how much they tried to fix me and no matter how much water and love they poured into me… I just kept leaking and I drained them. There was a hole no one else could see. Only I knew where it was and only I could fix it.

And I did. It wasn’t easy. In fact it was the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. But somehow after months and months of being empty… I was once again able to finally feel whole and full.

It is so hard now… when I see someone being in the place where I once was… to not try to constantly fix them… to constantly fill up their bucket. I try SO hard to fill their bucket up… but I keep draining myself out…

It is like on an airplane… you shouldn’t help someone else put their oxygen mask before you put on your own…

Thats what I tried to do. I had my oxygen mask on! but somehow in the process of trying to help the individual they accidentally tore mine off and they still don’t have theirs on! So I am now having to fumble for my oxygen mask and they are panicking and it is making it hard for me to get mine back on and they are still needing oxygen!

My own bucket is emptying out because I was pouring absolutely everything I had into the individual.

I have to separate myself now from the individual. Not just for my own good but for theirs too. I can’t help them if I am empty or oxygenless.

But I need to realize that until that individual can calm down and reach for their own oxygen mask or fix the whole in their bucket that I can’t see…. there is nothing I can do for them. It is so hard to watch helplessly… is it wrong if I completely turn away from them? If they are killing me in the process of killing themselves?

I wish I could help the individual so much. There is nothing else in this world that I would rather do, but I can’t save them. They have to save themselves. They have to fix the hole I can’t see… they have to calm down and allow me to put the oxygen mask on them or reach out for it on their own.

 
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Posted by on February 7, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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