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Naïve

So apparently I am naïve. At least according to a specific individual I was speaking with today about my dreams of the future.

I don’t know them very well… so it was hard to correct them, because I didn’t want to reveal much about myself to them.

But anyways here is the conversation. It is easier just to lay it out then to try to describe:

Me: My greatest desire is that I will eventually change the world for the better. Even if it is just changing the world in the smallest sense or just changing one person’s personal world.

Acquaintance: How will you change it though? That is a broad statement.

Me: By showing people that love and light always win and that there is good in everyone. I want to ensure that no one ever has to go hungry and that everyone who wants help can access it. I have no desire to have materialistic things but I would love to have money to give to communities to grow and ensure no one is forgotten and everyone is cared for. I haven’t figured out how to do it yet, but I’m working on it.

Acquaintance: People are poor because of the decisions they make.. There’s no helping them. A small percentage actually needs help because they’re actually in need. I think you’re a bit naive.

Me: Are you aware that over 50% of the people on the streets have mental disorders? They need help. And I have been to third world countries, I am very well aware of what poverty is and how they need help.

Acquaintance: Why are you worried about third world countries? We have enough issues in our country. You’re fighting a losing battle.

Me: Just b/c the battle is hard and most likely not going to succeed doesn’t make it any less worthy to be apart of that fight. And yes I’m worried about the problems in our country as well as the third world which is why I do the most I can to help both, but I have to say even the poorest here look like kings there.

Acquaintance: I understand and that’s great… But you are 1 person

Me: And one person can change the world. Too think otherwise makes living life pointless.

Acquaintance: One person can’t change a nation. I agree with you, but this whole nation is trillions in debt

Me: MLK Jr. sure did change our nation… sure we still have problems of inequality and racism on all sides, but he changed our world in one aspect. If we had several people who cared about others as much as he did we could fix our nation… No it won’t happen over night but it can over several generations

Acquaintance: Generations you won’t be around to see

Me: But generations my nieces and nephews and perhaps offspring will be apart of… it is selfish not to think of the future

Acquaintance: Yeah… but can you guarantee your family will care as much as you do? Highly unlikely.

Me: My family may not but there will be someone somewhere in the world who will care as much as me… Even if I’m just a small influence for that person, it would be worth it.

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Am I wrong to want to change the world? Am I naive? Should I just be living this life in order to get by? To ensure I have tons of money and can have my heart’s desire?

But I can’t live like that… I can’t live pretending that there aren’t 7 billion other people in this world.

I basically died last year. No, not physically… but I mentally, emotionally, and spiritually died… if I can do anything… anything at all in this world to ensure someone else doesn’t have to go through that… to get the word out that there is something called OCD (and mental disorders in general) and you can free yourself from it… then I will know that my life had meaning and that the world changed… even just a little bit for one specific person.

If wanting to change the world is naive… then I am happy to say that I am naive… that I want to be naive… bc what reason would I have to get up in the morning everyday?

I refuse to be an individual who just looks at the world and shakes their head in disgust at it. Refusing to help it… just living their life for their own reasons.

If more people were naive like me then maybe this world would change as we collectively stood together.

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Posted by on November 11, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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Link, Hero of Time!!! All I ever want(ed) to be.

Link is my hero.

He is hot, broody, quiet, and will do everything in his power to save the love(s) of his life and the world every time he is reincarnated. He never grows weary of this. Ok. Yes. I am in love with a video game action character from the legend of zelda games. But come on… who isn’t who has played the game?

Another thing that I love (but will never admit to anyone in person) is Star Wars. All 6 movies (yes I know I’m the only one in the world who likes episodes 1-3). The idea of knights defending galaxies. Of one person being able to change the world.

Also, Harry Potter. I would give anything to have the opportunity to be the hero that Harry was. Yes he is a fictional character. But can you imagine the types of change you could make for the world towards the good of all human kind if you had the drive and motivation of this fictional character?

I also tend to sway towards books that have heroes who save/change the world for the better (sometimes the worse in tragic stories).

As long as I can remember…. I always wanted to be one of these people. Someone who makes a difference. After all “You are the Change you wish to see in the World” (quote credited to Gandhi). And there is a lot of change in this world that I wish to see.

I wouldn’t care whether my name was remembered, whether my initial actions were known that started a great change of amazing reactions for the betterment of society, or anything else about me. As long as I could do something for the good of humankind.

The want for something more…. use to be so alive in me. I remember when I was little I would just stare out my window, wishing for the greatest adventure to happen to me.

“I want[ed] so much more than this provincial life.” (from Beauty in the Beast). That is what led me to my active involvement in community service in my undergrad years. In just the three years it took me to complete my undergraduate degree (I did dual enrollment in high school), I conducted over 300 hours of community service. I loved helping others.

But then in my need to succeed at academia (which I believe is OCD related…. for I ardently believe that if I don’t succeed in academia not only will I have no future but my family won’t love me anymore. So I obsess to be an absolute perfectionist, so that I don’t fail and that my family will love me), over shadowed that and I became more focused in my studies.

But I was first ok with this, for the area that I study is full of adventures, opportunities to meet new people, and go to exotic locations. I thought that this would quench my thirst for adventure and allow me to change the world for the better along the way.

I miss this me. The one who would do anything to have that adventure.

This summer though I had an amazing adventure. It was because of this adventure though that I got sick, which is what made my OCD go into such an advanced stage.

Now… after this horrible semester (which btw I got both of my grades back an A and an A+!) I am just exhausted. I was such a mess this whole entire semester. Constantly fighting horrible thoughts that wouldn’t leave me alone. Constantly battling my want/need to wash my hands/ clean the house. My incapability to get any work done because I was freaking out about various things. It one day took me 3 hours just to read 20 pages of simple writing. I couldn’t concentrate. I was so sure I was in danger of contamination or I would accidentally contaminate someone else.

I thought that coming home for winter break would help me recharge after such a horrible semester. I mean… technically I’ve only been home for a little more than a week, but I am still so exhausted. And no one in my family seems to understand this.

I am also partly tired b/c of my lack of eating… due to my meds which don’t make me hungry… so I am protein deficient, vitamin D, vitamin B12 deficient, and I have extremely low blood pressure. I am on meds/ dietary supplements for all these problems but they don’t seem to be working.

I’m just soo… beyond exhausted. I seriously have no will power to do anything. Here I am supposed to be working on PhD applications which are due within this week and the following month, but I don’t want to. I know I will regret it. Plus I’m freaking out about the whole… if I don’t continue on to get my PhD that means I’m not succeeding in academia which equals failure and my family not loving me.

I want[ed] to save the world. I want[ed] to make a difference.

Now. All I want to do…. is curl up in a ball and sleep. Maybe watch a movie or two. But really I just want to do nothing in life. And it is so sad.

I am fortunate to never have lost anyone in death close to me. (knock on wood). But as I mentioned once…. I feel as though I am mourning myself. I am not who I once was. So happy, so inspired all the time, light-hearted, caring, motivated, etc.

Now…. I don’t really know who I am.

My therapist said this might happen, but in context of “If I don’t do my OCD habits, I won’t be me anymore.” That is not really what I am dealing with. What I am dealing with…. is my inability to care anymore… b/c I am so exhausted from being who I was, then the OCD, and then the constant battle with OCD (even though I am so much better now).

I wanted to be a hero. But now… all I want to do is sleep and not effect the world in any way just so that I can for once feel relaxed. But I don’t know how to feel relaxed.

Blah. This blog was supposed to be funny. Well anyway. If you haven’t played any of the Zelda games. Go play one. Be the hero that I wanted to be. A hero who is dark, broody, and above all hot and with tons of pheromones lol :).

 
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Posted by on December 28, 2011 in Uncategorized

 

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