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Tag Archives: Happiness

I just want to be happy…

I know why I am so down right now.

I’m trying to write a paper. And anytime I’m stressed, I get pretty depressed and anxious about life.

But honestly… all I want out of life is to be happy.

I’ve been unhappy for so long…. I mean there have been moments when I am happy… but those are just blips on the radar not a reflection of what is really there.

Before the Ex was my Ex… I was truly happy. He made me sooooo incredibly happy. Even when things were bad, I just needed to look to him and I would see joy in the world. And it wasn’t b/c he was a particularly optimistic person… in fact he was rather pessimistic… but often in me trying to correct his pessimistic views I would see the optimism in the world.

I guess I should try to do that too myself. My brain (well the OCD) is very pessimistic… why can’t I just tell it what I told the Ex about how being optimistic is good for your soul and everyone surrounding you?

I’m happy in situations in which I am needed. I thrive in being needed. So when the Ex broke up with me… I was no longer needed. He can easily survive without me… but b/c he was the only one at the time who needed me I couldn’t/can’t survive without him.

That is why it took me so long to finally end things with Fred… because I knew that I needed to be needed… and though he ended up making me feel like I was only needed for sex… I felt that deep down he needed me just to remind him that there is good in the world. He needed me. I had a purpose. But then I realized he was totally manipulating me and using me. Now that the Ex has broken up with me, I keep having thoughts of going back to Fred. I know its a horrible idea… but why do I have these thoughts? It’s because I want to be needed and I hope he would need me the right way (although I highly doubt in a 1,000 years he will realize how to need someone the right way).

But if I thrive on being needed, does that mean I thrive on being used?

No, I don’t think so… because I think in case of need people won’t take more than they are in need of and in terms of being used a person just takes and takes and takes without giving anything in return.

I don’t feel needed in academia.

I feel needed in my family. But OCD often gets in my way, creating fears… so when I finally feel happy about being needed… OCD takes over and tells me I’m ruining everyone’s life by my need to be happy.

It just some times I feel like if I wasn’t here no one would notice my absence. I could easily be replaced by someone else… such as in the fact that the Ex is already back on the online dating website that we met on looking for a person to replace me… because he doesn’t need me anymore for his happiness. He is completely happy without me.

But should I be content and happy on my own? I unfortunately though don’t think I am programed that way. Even if I had everything in the world, I think I would be miserable if I wasn’t needed.

Also when it comes to the Ex… I think its partly because before I met him I was sooooo incredibly miserable with all the Fred stuff that he just made me go from soooo low to sooooo high and now I’m facing whiplash from that. I’m no where near as down as I was with the Fred stuff. I’m so glad that I’m not. But now that I’ve had a taste of that happiness. I want it back. I NEED it back.

… I just want to be needed.

… I just want to be happy.

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Posted by on April 24, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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Positivity

So somewhere down the line I lost my positivity that I had of life at the beginning of last semester. I was starting a new life in a new city, and everything was looking up.

Somehow through the happenings of life and stresses of school my positivity left me.

But you know what? I’m claiming it back.

I’m going to ensure I see the good in all (but use wisdom for judging whether that good is a good influence in my life), and the bright side of everything…

So now anytime I am having a “I’m going to fail panic attack.” I think my response will be “Hell yes! I’m gonna fail!! This shows that I am human!! And not perfect! So take that World! I do belong here!”

lol. I want to be always happy me again, finding light in even the darkest of circumstances… seeing the world for the beautiful place that it is :).

I hope all of you are having a fantastic evening 🙂

 
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Posted by on January 12, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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Refocusing my focus

So I need to refocus what I’ve been focusing on…

I have been focusing on: love lost, school, family drama, and my OCD.

What I need to truly be focusing on is one thing. One awesome thing: God.

If I walk in His path He won’t lead me astray. But how do I find His path? Especially since I’ve felt so far from him for so long?

I’ve decided to start with a book that I’ve always heard amazing things about but have never read: Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge.

I have to say I’m already extremely impressed and I’m only on page 17!

Growing up as a Southern Baptist and then growing up and becoming me… I’ve always struggled with the way the “woman” is supposed to be in terms of the church and my fairly liberal view points on life.

I always wanted to be that kind, nurturing, loving woman who always put others before herself. And not trying to sound conceited, but I think in many ways I am that person… but then I am also completely me in not wanting to be a house wife whose soul goal in life is to raise strapping young boys and always have dinner on the table at 6pm.

But this semester with all my relationship issues, discovering that I do not have to be caged by my OCD but in fact can be free, and reading just the very very beginning of this book… I’m realizing it doesn’t have to be one or the other… there is an in-between that can be the in-between that I need and desire in life.

I can be a loving wife and possibly mother without living in fear of my OCD, but I can also be me in terms of my always wanting to fight for everyone’s rights and trying to do good in the world.

My greatest desire is to change the world… even if in the smallest way. I always imagined I would be doing that in Africa or Central America… but why can I not do it in the very town I live in? That way I don’t have to decide between family and what I think I was created to do. Yes, I can still go to Africa and Central America… but the city in which I live needs just the same amount of help.

Especially since I’ve been diagnosed with OCD, I feel an intense connection with many of the homeless of my city, for the majority of them do have mental disorders. They are individuals who not only can I help but I can relate in ways many others cannot.

But anyway if I do find some day that I want to have a family… I don’t have to sacrifice everything about me to do that. Before I have a family and even during having a family I can whisk off and do God’s work in other countries, and when I am back with my loving family I can do that work in my own city. Or maybe I will have an amazing husband and family who will want to go off and have adventures with me!

My deepest and most secret (well now all you know but y’all don’t know who I am lol) desire in life is to be a missionary overseas. I’ve wanted to be a missionary since I was in Kindergarden and it became a very deep desire in high school and in the beginning of undergrad. Ever since my OCD became really bad in the second half of undergrad I felt like I could no longer do that though… not just b/c of contamination issues but because I believed that God no longer loved me or could love me. But I know that is false now.

Perhaps I can still have the whole life that I’ve always secretly wanted, but never really allowed myself to even consciously think about in fear that I would get my hopes up and only have them crushed, or because I didn’t think I was deserving.

But you know what? Perhaps I won’t ever get married, or have a family, no matter how much I’m realizing I actually want it. But perhaps I will. Perhaps I will be blessed in that manner.

God has always known my deepest desire in my life has always been to find love. Perhaps it is in His will, perhaps not.

But either way I can begin to work on the woman that I am now and want to continue to grow to be. I don’t have to throw that woman away for a husband or a family. That woman is me and will always be me. I don’t need what the “church” thinks a woman should be like or what my OCD thinks about me, caging me in a prison of just being a small percentage of who I am.

There is someone in my life who I often refer to as “2 percent” because there is “2 percent of that person” that is so amazing and great and contains soooo much potential that it hurts me to think they are not using the rest of 98% of themselves… but you know what?…. I think the real 2 percent is me.

I am only 2 percent of myself…

This a for real just now happening while I am typing realization…

My OCD has only allowed me to be so little of me (if any of me at all), my controlling but loving family has only allowed me to be a tiny bit of me, my academic prison (not that it has to be a prison but that is how I have been viewing it) has only allowed me to be a small part of me, and my lack of faith has held me back like nothing else.

I need to have more faith in God and who He made me to be. I need to start realizing my potential. I need to stop being only 2% of me. I need to be the woman God made me to be.

Of course this might make my OCD go haywire with the realization that once again I’m not “good enough”… but its not about being good enough… its about being me… shouldn’t that be simple?

Easier said than done of course… but before I get upset about other people not reaching their potential, I should realize that I am no where near reaching my potential… I can be SO MUCH MORE.

I need to learn how to be the woman God created me to be. And I really think that the book Captivating will be my first stepping stone to being her. When I find things that touch me in the book, I’ll write about it here and hopefully it will keep me more accountable.

I need to continue to learn who I am and how to make me follow in God’s foot steps… being the woman He made me to be.

I no longer want to be 2%. I want to be more. I want to be all of me.

 
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Posted by on December 19, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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A Good Day :)

It is rather ironic that often when we are in the most pain we forget who is always there for us. Who no matter how much we screw up loves us so much. Who just wants us to come to Him to be comforted.

It is amazing that even though we ignore Him and push Him away thinking we can get through things on our own that He always reveals how much we mean to Him and how much He love us and how much He wants us to return the love.

I was giving myself a solid week for self pity… I wasn’t sure how easy I was going to be able to end that self pity today… but from the moment I stepped outside this morning I felt God’s love surrounding me.

Today is probably the last warm day that we are going to have before fall/winter fully sets in… but in everything about today… the warmth, the sun, the cool breeze… I was able to feel God’s love and His want for me to be happy.

Yes life sucks sometimes. God never wants to see us hurting, but He can make beauty come from our pain.

I have learned SO MUCH. Especially in regards to myself.

I realize that I need to work on setting boundaries for myself. I’m usually only one extreme or another. I either have all my walls completely up, letting no one in or I put them all down and put my trust and faith completely in someone. Not that the latter thing is bad, but doing that quickly not only makes me vulnerable but it makes me extremely attached to that individual and it makes it hard to let them go. That isn’t good for me nor the individual who may end up seeing me as “clingy” or just overburden with me being my crazy self. lol.

I have heard a lot of good things about the book Boundaries. I think I’m going to buy it and start improving this aspect of myself. I need to learn to have healthy boundaries.

Also, I’m still new to this area and making friends has been difficult. I’ve moved a lot and usually I have no problem making friends. I usually ‘click’ with some people right away. That though hasn’t seem to happen yet with my cohort. My roommate and I are great friends, but we hardly see each other because we have such opposite schedules. So I’m having to learn how to make friends the way I guess normal people do. Besides my roommate I only clicked with only one other person, and as we all know I ruined that. I made that individual the center of my world (besides the fact that I loved him, I think it was just because I had found someone I clicked with so well in a city where I hardly knew anyone), which is unhealthy on SO MANY levels. The only person who should be the center of my world is God.

So yes, I screwed up. I made a mess of my life. But you know what? No mess is too big for God. He is always there to pick me right back up after I fall. He will always love me even though I don’t deserve it and I will always love Him.

God used today to draw me closer to him. The warmth of the day, the feel of the sun on my skin, the cool breeze, and just the general manner of all the people I came into contact with today: all happy and loving life. I also felt beautiful today… yea partly its because I’m wearing this gorgeous dress my parents bought me for my birthday… but it gave me the confidence I needed to enjoy the day and find the beauty in the day.

God is cleaning up the mess I made. I’ve emotionally been a wreck for the past week… but He is always there picking up the pieces. Showing me that His way is the better way. Even though I’m not sure what His way is…He is slowly showing me His plans through life lessons and His love.

I hope all of you had a great day today. God loves you!

 
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Posted by on October 24, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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Sticks and Bricks may break my bones but… words will never hurt me?

We’ve all heard the childhood rhyme:

Sticks and Bricks may break my bones
But words will never hurt me.

We were all told this in order to get through those childhood years of being made fun of. We were told that those comments that other kids or students made about us were untrue so why even pay attention to them? I was definitely one of those kids who was made fun of. My friends swear to me that I’m pretty now… but back in the day I know I wasn’t so much… I guess I was a bit of an ugly duckling who (hopefully) turned into a swan. But I was made fun of back then… making it impossible for me to now accept compliments. It was so ingrained to me growing up that I find it impossible to believe now.

But anyway… while words will never physically hurt someone… I think they do much worse to someone than what a broken wrist does.

Someone can tell you they love you. You believe them… and then the next moment they tear your heart out. Someone tells you they are sorry.. and you believe them… and then they do it again. Those words… you believe are true… just end up being lies… of the worst kind.

Maybe I’m just too naive. I want to believe everyone has a good excuse. That everyone is a beautiful person. That everyone deserves a second, third, and fourth chance. I want to believe that some people just don’t realize the effect that they have on other people. I want to believe that they are naive… but really its me…

It doesn’t matter that my brother has broken my heart and my families heart multiple times. I still forgive him. Every time. Oh, I’m mad for like 6 hours… but then I always think he is going to change… he is gonna be different… but he never is… I’m just too naive…

I was often told growing up that I wasn’t good enough. I wasn’t smart enough, I didn’t behave well enough, that I wasn’t a good enough child, that I just was never enough. This didn’t make me fight harder to prove that I was good enough… instead it did the exact opposite… it made me feel like there was nothing that I could do to be good enough.

It doesn’t matter that I graduated in 3 years from undergrad with a 4.0, or that I graduated with my MA with a 3.9 (stupid A minuses!). It doesn’t matter that I am in a PhD program now… I’m not good enough. Nor will I ever be.

I’m not good enough to be loved they way that I want to be loved. I’m not good enough to be remembered often.

My parents and the mean kids in middle/high school told me I wasn’t good enough. Secretly I always harbored hope that they were wrong. That I was good enough.

But… I guess they were right… i’m not good enough.

I wish I knew how to be…

I had an epiphany though during my therapy session… I’m worthy of life… I’m worthy of love… I’m worthy to be good enough… I’m worthy to be treated well.

So I’m not goodenough… I know I never will be… so why even continue to try? Even if I get my PhD… my parents aren’t going to be proud of me… there is always something else they will want me to do. You know get tenure, move close to them, have a family, etc.

So… If I am not goodenough and yet I’m worthy of life… why should I try to make all these other people happy when no matter what I do they won’t be happy? Shouldn’t I just focus on making me happy?

But then again… I’ll be unhappy if they are unhappy…

But I don’t want to continue torturing myself in a world that I hate… should I just try to find a new path.. .and hope that my parents see me happy in this new path and maybe they will be happy too?

I’m not goodenough… I will never be goodenough… it is actually a pretty freeing idea… I can do whatever I want b/c no matter what I won’t be goodenough… I mind as well make myself happy. If I can just figure out how to do that lol.

 
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Posted by on October 13, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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Why I Will Never be Happy…

Yes this is a “my life sucks” post… so unless you want to become more depressed don’t read this….

Reasons I will never be happy…

(1) I don’t know how to be happy. There are moments in life when I am “happy”… but those are just moments. I don’t know how to let that happiness continue beyond just a moment.

(2) I am unhappy when I am by myself, but I NEED me time. Some days I am around people CONSTANTLY, especially at school. When I come home at the end of the day, all I want is time to myself. Not homework time… not talk to friends time… me time.

(3) All I ever do is wish to have fun and excitement and when I do… I can’t enjoy it. I went out with friends last night. We saw an awesome ballet, which I enjoyed. But could I have fun with my friends? nope not really… all I ever do when I am with others is think about how miserable I am and how I will never be as fun and carefree as they.

(4) I love someone who could not and will not ever love me. All this love causes me is pain, but I can’t let him go.

(5) I hide my emotions to well.

(6) I will never be the beautiful individual I so ardently want to be.

(7) I have no energy for life… not even enough to make this a long post that explains everything…. maybe I’ll find energy later.

(8) My OCD won’t stop tormenting me.

(9) I don’t know who I am.

…………………..

 
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Posted by on February 19, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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