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Broken Objects

I was broken once… I don’t think I am broken anymore. I mean I have my ups and downs just like anyone else… but my soul isn’t broken anymore… I feel like a whole person.

Because I’ve been there… I’ve been broken… I’ve been in spots where I never thought that I could live again, let alone be happy… I want to help others who are in that spot… for them to realize that they can be whole again… its just a process that you yourself have to be fully committed to.

Yes, I could not have been whole again if it wasn’t for the wonderful people who were and are around me, loving me, supporting me, just being there for me. But in the end… no matter what they did for me in the end I had to fix me.

My friends were able to put bandaids on my wounds and make some spots not hurt anymore… but it was like I was a leaking bucket… No matter how much they tried to fix me and no matter how much water and love they poured into me… I just kept leaking and I drained them. There was a hole no one else could see. Only I knew where it was and only I could fix it.

And I did. It wasn’t easy. In fact it was the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. But somehow after months and months of being empty… I was once again able to finally feel whole and full.

It is so hard now… when I see someone being in the place where I once was… to not try to constantly fix them… to constantly fill up their bucket. I try SO hard to fill their bucket up… but I keep draining myself out…

It is like on an airplane… you shouldn’t help someone else put their oxygen mask before you put on your own…

Thats what I tried to do. I had my oxygen mask on! but somehow in the process of trying to help the individual they accidentally tore mine off and they still don’t have theirs on! So I am now having to fumble for my oxygen mask and they are panicking and it is making it hard for me to get mine back on and they are still needing oxygen!

My own bucket is emptying out because I was pouring absolutely everything I had into the individual.

I have to separate myself now from the individual. Not just for my own good but for theirs too. I can’t help them if I am empty or oxygenless.

But I need to realize that until that individual can calm down and reach for their own oxygen mask or fix the whole in their bucket that I can’t see…. there is nothing I can do for them. It is so hard to watch helplessly… is it wrong if I completely turn away from them? If they are killing me in the process of killing themselves?

I wish I could help the individual so much. There is nothing else in this world that I would rather do, but I can’t save them. They have to save themselves. They have to fix the hole I can’t see… they have to calm down and allow me to put the oxygen mask on them or reach out for it on their own.

 
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Posted by on February 7, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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Belonging

Ok… so I know I said that I am going to keep to my positive attitude… but I think in order to fully embody that I need to recognize everything that is holding me back from having that attitude come naturally.

I was recently having a heart-to-heart with a friend I’ll call Jodie, and it kind of hit me during that conversation what one of my underlying issues is…

I hardly ever feel like I belong.

There have been very rare moments in my life when I truly felt like I belonged where I was at…

I think much of this has to do with the fact that I have never lived anywhere longer than 3.25 years… My family moved around a lot when I was growing up… In elementary school alone I went to seven different schools! It started to slow down though once I got to my middle and high school years. But all in all… including undergrad and grad schools, I have been in 14 different schools (not including two summers that I did undergrad courses at my college near home at two different universities).

In that kind of setting it is really hard to feel like you belong somewhere… always having to leave people, meet new people, and then have to leave new people in order to move again gave me very good life skills I think in understanding people… but has left me in a very vulnerable place. Because I didn’t belong. In fact my last high school I went too was so cliquish that they went out of there way to show me that I didn’t belong by ignoring me even though I had lived there before and knew them from when we were younger.

Then in church settings… cliques are very pervasive among the younger crowd and it was hard to ever find an “in” to having friends… yes I would make a few friends… but always those who were already parts of other cliques that I couldn’t get into, so the time I could really spend with them was limited… and I could never get those few friends together because they were part of different cliques…

And I never belonged at home… My parents… I don’t think they ever MEANT it… often forgot about me… which is odd b/c I am the youngest… but I wasn’t the trouble maker, the first born with all the drama, nor the genius… I was just Brooke… the one never good enough (which my parents more than often pointed out to me) and always under the shadows of her siblings.

I’ve wrote here in this blog about my very best friends who i call on here: Sarah, Riley, Twin, and Tajel… I love them all to death and they love me… but only two of them have ever met. I’ve written about how lucky I am to have them… because I totally am… but I don’t live anywhere near them… I’m lucky if I get to see them once a year.

So its like I do belong somewhere with them… but on an emotional plane not a physical plane…

I think that is one of the reasons why my drama from last semester affected me so much… because I met someone who made me feel like I physically belonged somewhere… and then to have that taken from me… was kind of devastating… it wasn’t his fault… he couldn’t have known… I mean I didn’t know! But I’m realizing now that that was what made it feel as bad as it did…

I also have this problem with opening up to people… I’m either 100% open to someone or 100% closed to someone… I need to learn how to control it… but when I decide that someone is worth opening up too I give them every bit of me… I put 1000% in the relationship… which well is a bit much for ANYONE to handle… I know I shouldn’t… I should ease into a deep relationship (even just in terms of friendship)… but I have a hard time with that… i’m not sure how to fix this… but it is def something I need to work on… but I’ve been this way since… for as long as I remember… that was why Riley and I had such issues when we first met… I had decided in the 7th grade “hey I trust you! here is me! I’ve decided your special so you must deal with me!”… and well I’m a bit much… I can barely handle myself… which is what made Riley and I enemies for the majority of the first year we knew each other… and it doesn’t help b/c I give so much of me to someone that I then cling onto them… I don’t mean too… but I tend to metaphorically suffocate people… Honestly its kinda like I’m Darla from Finding Nemo… thats kinda depressing…wanting so badly for the fish to play with her, love her, and she ends up killing the fish… I don’t mean too… its not out of ill intent at all! I just want to be loved and belonged so badly…

but once people realize that I am the crazy piece of work I am, they love me… and i’m not saying that just to say that… I really do honestly mean it… when people finally realize my uniqueness, for a lack of a better term lol, I somehow always end up as a “pet”… really… one of the very few times I did feel like I belonged somewhere was the first year of where I got my MA degree.. and I heard people often describe me as the ‘pet’ of the group… everyone loves me, watches out for me, loves to play around with me… but at the end of the day… on a Friday night do you want to hang out with your pet or do you want to hit the town with friends? Which often made me feel lonely… even when I felt like I belonged..

And then when my OCD got bad… I had the whole “I don’t belong here on this planet” thing going on…

But really I’ve been thinking… what is the core fear that my OCD feeds on: That I will accidentally do something to have a negative impact on someone’s life. But why do I think that? …

I think its because deep down I truly don’t believe I belong (which I know is a total lie!), because I’ve hardly ever belonged anywhere… why do I fear somehow negatively impacting someone’s life? Because I don’t belong here in the first place and I am somehow where I am by accident… so I need to keep my head low and avoid eye contact before someone realizes that I don’t belong and kicks me out… I somehow got lost in the shuffle and am extremely thankful to be in the place where I am and I don’t want to do anything to make my blessing of being where I am have a negative impact…if people are going to notice me I want it to be only for good things so that when they realize that I don’t belong they won’t mind as much that I am somehow here.

I dunno… does that make sense? I’m not sure…

But that is really something I need to work on…. feeling like I belong… because I do belong… especially to my friends… even if I am not there physically. And I need not latch on to someone giving them 1000% of me at once b/c then I just end up metaphorically making them claustrophobic until a candle is finally lit (if they actually stick around that long) and they realize I am a beautiful person… or at least I hope I am.

I physically felt like a belonged somewhere with a specific individual last semester… and I gave him too much of me way to quickly… scared him off… I miss that feeling of belonging and not be lonely… but I need to find a way to not rely on someone else to feel that way… I need to find belonging within myself and with God.

After all… “Not all those who Wander are lost.”

 
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Posted by on January 14, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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Love without Trust

They say it is impossible to love someone without trusting them.

I don’t agree. I think it is impossible to have a relationship without trust. But I still think you can truly love someone without trust.

The sad part though is that love will never be able to go anywhere until the person you love can prove to you that they are trustworthy.

If you don’t trust someone though… is it your fault or their fault? Especially when they have done things repeatedly to you to make you not trust them. Shouldn’t you always be trying to build someone’s trust for you? Every time they hurt you the trust that was there is ruined and has to start again from scratch. Even when you forgive them… that doesn’t mean you forget… it just makes you guard yourself more until you can trust them again.

Or is my thinking wrong? Which is very possible considering i am seriously the most confused individual in the world.

 
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Posted by on December 3, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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Control Freak…

So I kinda always knew I was a bit of a control freak… but I’m just really realizing that now lol. so…. Hi my name is Brooke and I am a control freak…. I freely admit it.

Seeing potential in people is great… but trying to force them into that potential is controlling and wrong. It doesn’t matter that I see 2% of someone as absolutely amazing… 2% that could be used as amazing potential to better who they are.

That isn’t for me to say. It is wrong for me to try to make that person become the person that I see. B/c that isn’t who they are. That is unfair to them. Who am I to tell them who they should or shouldn’t be? … even if they have hurt me…

I realize that now. I wish I would have realized that sooner. Maybe I would have saved myself and others a lot of heartache. It isn’t for me to tell someone who they should or shouldn’t be. Even if I think I believe they have incredible potential or that they are hiding a really amazing part of themselves from the world, that isn’t for me to say or decide for them.

I can’t control others. I can only control myself and be responsible for my actions.

I guess it is a life lesson, and I shouldn’t be too hard on myself. I know that now and that is what matters. It is never to late to learn something and better yourself, even if you can’t better others. lol.

“Wish You Were” by Kate Voegele

Gone away are the golden days
Just a page in my diary
So here I am, a utopian citizen
Still convinced there’s no such thing as idealism

Memories they’re following me like a shadow now
And I’m dreaming
And I’ve already suffered the fever of disbelief

I’ve seen your act
And I know all the facts
I’m still in love with who I wish you were
It ain’t hard to see
Who you are underneath
I’m still in love with who I wish you were
And I wish you were here

I was true as the sky is blue
I couldn’t soon say the same for you
So now I find denial in my eyes
I’m mesmerized by the picture that’s in my mind

Tell me when I’ll finally see your shallow heart
For what it is
Cause I don’t want to keep on believing in illusions

[Chorus]

Sometimes I can’t explain
And I’m so sorry that I can’t
I’ll try to concentrate
On your true identity

[Chorus]

 
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Posted by on November 8, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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Individual vs Dividual

Yes… I’m going anthropological on y’all… maybe not so much since this is what I learned from a ANTH 101 class.. but still…

All of the past few weeks’ events have got me thinking.. about life, love, people, society, relationships, etc.

I think I never realized until just now how much of a Dividual I am compared to an Individual.

“The Western conception of the person as a bounded, unique, more or less integrated motivational and cognitive universe, a dynamic center of awareness, emotion, judgment, and action organized into a distinctive whole and natural background, is, however incorrigible it may seem to us, a rather peculiar idea within the context of the world’s cultures” (Clifford Geertz 1983: 59).

Here in the US… people see themselves as Individuals. Unique unto themselves. They are their own person. They have no one to answer to or to behave in a certain way for. They are only responsible for themselves and their actions.

Other societies around the world, though, the best example of this is in India, view people as dividuals, which are people who are fluid and open (in terms of physical, emotional, spiritual, and everything else). Everyone’s life touches others.

While I’m obviously an American and have grown up this way… somehow I think my soul is more of that of a dividual’s.

Touch has always been a big deal for me. Allowing someone to touch me and touching someone in return is extremely intimate. Its more than physical, its an emotional and spiritual exchange with someone, saying “hey, I trust you not to hurt me.”

But it is more than just me… I am more than just me… I am a compile of different people (in a non- multi-personalities way lol). I have to protect myself not just for me… but for my best friend, for my parents, for my siblings, for my nieces and nephews…

If I get hurt… it is just not me getting hurt… they are getting hurt too… everything I do affects everyone else in my life..

When a friend of mine gets hurt… whether it be physical or emotional… I’m hurt. I feel their pain. I try everything in my power to make them feel better.

Maybe I empathize too much? I don’t know. I’m not sure that is a bad thing though… I’m very attuned to the emotions of my friends and family and they are incredibly attuned to me. In fact sometimes its creepy when my best friends knows there is something wrong with me when I haven’t spoken to her in weeks and she lives thousands of miles away.

I don’t really understand it myself. But its something worth reflecting on and trying to understand in order to understand myself better.

I am not an Individual. I am a Dividual.

 
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Posted by on September 20, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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Friendships

So one of my best friends (I’ll call her Sarah) is getting married in less than 9 hours. I am doing last minute wedding things while the Bride gets her beauty sleep.

I’m currently working on my toast for the reception… and it has made me think a lot about our friendship and my friendships with my other best and close friends.

I’ve realized that I have no idea what any of their favorite colors are, the first boy or girl they kissed, their favorite music band, or even what foods they love and hate.

But knowing things like that are material.

I’ve known Sarah for 6 years. I knew her favorite color was purple, but no idea it was tied with red. I had no idea (until I asked her) that her first kiss was with a boy named Kyle or that she had a huge thing still for the Backstreet boys. I knew that she loved dark chocolate… but I had no idea that one of her all time favorite foods was graham crackers.

But the thing is I KNOW Sarah. I know how to make her laugh. I know how to calm her down when she is upset. I know how to have an amazing time with her. I know all about her family drama and how much it effects her. I know her body language and what she is trying to convey to me that she has a hard time conveying in words, such as how hurt she is by recent drama with her family right before the wedding.

I know how her mind works. I know the kind and gentle hearted person that she is. I know she will always get me into trouble…but will be right there getting me out as well.

Does it make me a bad person that I didn’t know all those materialistic things about her? Or my other friends? I don’t know.

I think it is more important to just be able to feel safe, loved, and trusted by your friends. I think you can KNOW someone without having to know who their first kiss was with or their favorite color.

Maybe I am wrong?

But I do know I love her to death and I am so happy she has met someone to spend the rest of her life with. 🙂

 
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Posted by on July 14, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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The Door


 I want to be wanted. If I was to disappear I would want someone to notice.

 
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Posted by on May 17, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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