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Monthly Archives: December 2011

In my own little corner. In my own little chair.

I had a conversation today with a friend who is going through a tough time in life, and the topic of being able to take a vacation from yourself came up.

Sometimes you just become tired of yourself and your problems. Personally, I’m guilty of annoying myself. But you can never run away from yourself…. or can you? (and of course I am completely talking in non- suicidal terms if anyone is concerned lol)

Due to the nature of my parents’ employment, as a child I moved more than 10 times. Just in elementary school I attended 7 different schools. Each time one moves you have an option to recreate yourself. I can’t say that I ever drastically did this. But there was one or two things about myself here and there that I didn’t like, and I ended up changing. I actually have a hard time living anywhere longer than three years, because I feel a need of different scenery and a new opportunity to start again.

Prior to graduate school, I was an extremely quiet and shy individual. And while I am not saying that I’m still not, when I moved to the location of my graduate school (which was very far from my undergraduate college), I allowed myself to become more loud and extroverted. Of course this all changed this semester when I became practically a recluse.

Behavior can truly effect your thoughts and your personality. I remember when I had a huge blow out with a friend in high school. This friend told me I didn’t care enough about anyone besides myself (which was true to an extent and an eye opener I needed), I came back the next school year a different person. Always concerned about others and putting myself to the side. Initially I did this to show my friend that I wasn’t self-centered. But there comes a point when the mask that you put on to hide who you really are…. becomes who you are.

I would say this is a good thing. But I am not completely sure. I mean now we have the problem that I care too much about other people to the point that I am not taking care of myself because I  NEED to take care of others (such as refusing to eat anything in a public place in fear that someone is allergic to whatever I bring to eat).

But anyway I’m digressing from what I wanted to talk about: pretending who you aren’t just for a few moments. I usually do this by reading books or watching a really good movie. And for a few minutes/hours/days (depending on how long the book is), I can pretend that I am the heroine of a real event (even if it is in a fictional world). I can pretend that in the end everything turns out ok. By the time that I finish reading the book/series, for a few moments I have a hard time separating myself from the character.

While reading the book, it is a fantastic feeling… I am someone else. I can finally have the adventure that I have always wanted! I can be Alanna. A girl masquerading as a boy in order to train and become a knight. I can vanquish evil. I can win the hearts of the kingdom and a significant other. I can change the world. The things I do…. are significant… while I am that character. While uncertainty  and tragedies happens throughout the book, there is resolution in the end.

I hate reading tragedies… characters suck me in to much. Such as Anakin Skywalker (yes I know no one likes Episodes 1-3 of Star Wars but get over it I do lol). From the beginning I knew this was going to be a tragic story. The story about how a boy grows up to be the most feared individual throughout galaxies. By the third Episode Anakin has turned evil through a series of events and MY HEART BREAKS. Its as if I can feel his/Padmè’s/and Obi- Wan’s  pain. Although Anakin turned evil there was still some good in him, he was not totally void of feeling. I can feel the heartbreak that he must feel when he realizes that Padme is dead and that he has not only destroyed his own life but thousands of others. I can feel Padme’s soul crying when she realizes the one person she loved and depended on is no longer the man she married. And I can feel the heart-ache of Obi- Wan when he looses that individual who was like a son/brother to him.

This is why I tend to stray away from tragic books/movies. I hate the feeling at the end. The feeling that since you were the character(s) you could have changed it, but you couldn’t because that is not what the author had planned. I want to see good everywhere… tragedy just breaks my heart (one of the many reasons I also hate watching/reading the daily news).

This is also why I don’t let myself read during the school semester. For even in great happy ending books…. I get so depressed when I finish reading it and realize…. oh… that isn’t my world… that… wasn’t me.

But while you are reading these books its the most fantastic feeling.

One of my favorite series is that of the The Chanters of Tremaris. (Yes I know its a “teen series” but I still love it). I used to HATE fantasy. Mostly because my sister was obsessed with it, and I would do anything in my power to not be like her (an ironic story for another day lol). But when I read this series…. I am CALWYN. I think reading this series was the first time I ever truly got sucked into a character. Calwyn, a shy timid girl, living a sheltered life. Breaks out of that life to become the heroine of the world. At first in the adventure she is shy and timid and not wanting to take on the responsibility of the power that she is slowly realizing that she has. In the end though she is able to reach her full potential (without putting anything to the wayside, such as people in her life) and save the world.

If you haven’t see the Brandy version of Cinderella. You should watch it. You can find it on youtube. I believe in the song “In my own little corner” my thoughts are portrayed beautifully. Although in the end she says she is happy to realize that she is just in her own little corner, you can see in the sadness in her eyes and the want for something more.

You can learn from books. You can learn from fantasies and dreams. I truly believe one can better themselves through reading. But…. but… it gives me to high of expectations of life…. or should these be the expectations that I want and should get?

Two of my favorite books (ok I have a lot of favorites) are about Africa. One is about the Mercy Ship and a fictional character who was able to change the world… even though it was really just by affecting a few lives. The other book was an autobiography by a girl who survived the genocide in Rwanda (a really epic tragedy but it really puts your life into perspective. Allowing you to be grateful for the place in which you live). After reading these two books… All I ever wanted to do was to go to Africa. If I could just affect one life in a positive manner… it could change THEIR WORLD… and changing at least one world of one individual is good enough for me. Yes, I realize I can do this anywhere even in the good USA, but my heart was set on Africa.

But now. With my OCD. The thought of ever going to Africa scares the crap at me and it breaks my heart. I feel as though now I will never be able to change anyone’s world for the better, because I am too afraid of screwing it up and making it change for the worse on accident… and also contamination.

Its hard to explain the sorrow that I feel when I lost myself this semester and all these wants. Its as if my heart is perpetually breaking and my soul is ever crying. I’m doing better yes, but I don’t think I will ever be who I was again… and that scares/saddens me.

So I guess for now…. My Own Little Corner and My Own Little Chair will have to be sufficient in order to take a break from myself. I will never get to be who I want[ed] to be… but at least for a few minutes I can pretend.

Is it healthy? Probably not. But sometimes, as I already pointed out, pretending can become reality.

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Posted by on December 30, 2011 in Uncategorized

 

Link, Hero of Time!!! All I ever want(ed) to be.

Link is my hero.

He is hot, broody, quiet, and will do everything in his power to save the love(s) of his life and the world every time he is reincarnated. He never grows weary of this. Ok. Yes. I am in love with a video game action character from the legend of zelda games. But come on… who isn’t who has played the game?

Another thing that I love (but will never admit to anyone in person) is Star Wars. All 6 movies (yes I know I’m the only one in the world who likes episodes 1-3). The idea of knights defending galaxies. Of one person being able to change the world.

Also, Harry Potter. I would give anything to have the opportunity to be the hero that Harry was. Yes he is a fictional character. But can you imagine the types of change you could make for the world towards the good of all human kind if you had the drive and motivation of this fictional character?

I also tend to sway towards books that have heroes who save/change the world for the better (sometimes the worse in tragic stories).

As long as I can remember…. I always wanted to be one of these people. Someone who makes a difference. After all “You are the Change you wish to see in the World” (quote credited to Gandhi). And there is a lot of change in this world that I wish to see.

I wouldn’t care whether my name was remembered, whether my initial actions were known that started a great change of amazing reactions for the betterment of society, or anything else about me. As long as I could do something for the good of humankind.

The want for something more…. use to be so alive in me. I remember when I was little I would just stare out my window, wishing for the greatest adventure to happen to me.

“I want[ed] so much more than this provincial life.” (from Beauty in the Beast). That is what led me to my active involvement in community service in my undergrad years. In just the three years it took me to complete my undergraduate degree (I did dual enrollment in high school), I conducted over 300 hours of community service. I loved helping others.

But then in my need to succeed at academia (which I believe is OCD related…. for I ardently believe that if I don’t succeed in academia not only will I have no future but my family won’t love me anymore. So I obsess to be an absolute perfectionist, so that I don’t fail and that my family will love me), over shadowed that and I became more focused in my studies.

But I was first ok with this, for the area that I study is full of adventures, opportunities to meet new people, and go to exotic locations. I thought that this would quench my thirst for adventure and allow me to change the world for the better along the way.

I miss this me. The one who would do anything to have that adventure.

This summer though I had an amazing adventure. It was because of this adventure though that I got sick, which is what made my OCD go into such an advanced stage.

Now… after this horrible semester (which btw I got both of my grades back an A and an A+!) I am just exhausted. I was such a mess this whole entire semester. Constantly fighting horrible thoughts that wouldn’t leave me alone. Constantly battling my want/need to wash my hands/ clean the house. My incapability to get any work done because I was freaking out about various things. It one day took me 3 hours just to read 20 pages of simple writing. I couldn’t concentrate. I was so sure I was in danger of contamination or I would accidentally contaminate someone else.

I thought that coming home for winter break would help me recharge after such a horrible semester. I mean… technically I’ve only been home for a little more than a week, but I am still so exhausted. And no one in my family seems to understand this.

I am also partly tired b/c of my lack of eating… due to my meds which don’t make me hungry… so I am protein deficient, vitamin D, vitamin B12 deficient, and I have extremely low blood pressure. I am on meds/ dietary supplements for all these problems but they don’t seem to be working.

I’m just soo… beyond exhausted. I seriously have no will power to do anything. Here I am supposed to be working on PhD applications which are due within this week and the following month, but I don’t want to. I know I will regret it. Plus I’m freaking out about the whole… if I don’t continue on to get my PhD that means I’m not succeeding in academia which equals failure and my family not loving me.

I want[ed] to save the world. I want[ed] to make a difference.

Now. All I want to do…. is curl up in a ball and sleep. Maybe watch a movie or two. But really I just want to do nothing in life. And it is so sad.

I am fortunate to never have lost anyone in death close to me. (knock on wood). But as I mentioned once…. I feel as though I am mourning myself. I am not who I once was. So happy, so inspired all the time, light-hearted, caring, motivated, etc.

Now…. I don’t really know who I am.

My therapist said this might happen, but in context of “If I don’t do my OCD habits, I won’t be me anymore.” That is not really what I am dealing with. What I am dealing with…. is my inability to care anymore… b/c I am so exhausted from being who I was, then the OCD, and then the constant battle with OCD (even though I am so much better now).

I wanted to be a hero. But now… all I want to do is sleep and not effect the world in any way just so that I can for once feel relaxed. But I don’t know how to feel relaxed.

Blah. This blog was supposed to be funny. Well anyway. If you haven’t played any of the Zelda games. Go play one. Be the hero that I wanted to be. A hero who is dark, broody, and above all hot and with tons of pheromones lol :).

 
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Posted by on December 28, 2011 in Uncategorized

 

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Love Actually… well only for those with Pheromones

So Christmas. It’s a time about love. Especially as portrayed in the movie Love Actually. I love this movie….It has so many happy stories, but it also shows that not everyone is able to have a “happily ever after.”

Honestly though I am an extremely hopeless romantic… I am so hopeless that I have tried to convince myself that I am truly cynical about love….I have never seen the true manifestation of love. Well that is if I know what love is and if it is what it is like in the movies (which I highly doubt). But my parents marriage isn’t the best, none of my grandparents’, or siblings’ marriages are either. But I do have a fairly dysfunctional family, in which love is only seen in the fact that secrets are kept and lies are told… depressing…   but honestly deep down…. I want nothing more than true love…. To believe that its true… to know that it does exist….but sadly I know it’s not for me….

I’m in my twenties and have only been on two dates (with the same guy).  I’ve never been kissed. My friends actually tell me that this is a good thing, because when it does happen it will be extremely special. Which is true, I am not denying that… but well it’s depressing.

My love life has many ironic stories involved.

Well “love life” is an odd noun to describe it. I can’t say that I’ve ever been “in love.” At least I don’t think.

My first serious ‘possibility’ was in high school. He was my best guy friend. I had a huge crush on him, but due to family rules I wasn’t allowed to date or have a boyfriend until I was 16. So I suppressed my feelings.  One semester though he declared his undying love for me through a series of events and poems. To be honest, I didn’t handle it well at all. I was in a constant state of “do I tell him how I feel? But it wouldn’t matter b/c my parents wouldn’t let me date him. But i don’t really like him that way, so it doesn’t matter.”

Honestly, I know I’m slightly hard on myself, because I was young and naive. But I screwed up, I toyed with his feelings but mostly b/c I myself was lost. But anyway after a very long bout of many fight (that made me also lose my other best friend, since we put her in the middle of all of this), the guy friend and I made up and we were friends again.

I then learned something absolutely “horrible” about him though at one point. He had OCD!

“GASP! Omg! that must mean he is crazy!” I honestly didn’t think he was ‘crazy’ but my parents did. They felt that his need to see me every day (which felt to my young self as ‘stalking’ even though it wasn’t) was part of his OCD. The compulsion to see me all the time. OCD, my parents told me was a horrible thing. And anyone who has any type of mental problem like that (they didn’t know anything about OCD then AT ALL they just made a series of judgements based on no facts…such as it’s a mental problem when really its a physical chemical imbalance) should never be in any relationship.

Well anyway. After one more fight that me and my guy friend had, my parents put an end to it. They refused to allow me to have any contact with him. In one class I had with him the next year, my parents made me tell my teacher that I couldn’t sit anywhere near him.

I hurt him really bad emotionally. I think we were both pretty scarred from this experience. I have never really forgiven myself for this happening either. I mean a lot of stuff went down, including him becoming ‘suicidal’ (though I am not so sure how true that is and not just a fabrication) and loosing my other best friend (though we are best friends again).

So this lesson taught me several things: If you have OCD you can never be happy. Love/relationships are something that need to be treated extremely fragile to the point that one shouldn’t enter into a relationship in fear of hurting all parties involved…. see the fallacies in this?

Then my family moved. To a very small town of very clicky people. I did not have many friends in this town except those who also hadn’t grown up in this town all their lives. Which was probably a grand total of 5 of us. I had actually lived in this town in middle school, so I knew several people. Including my old crush. But of course… me having no pheromones…. he chose not to “remember me” (which is crap considering we had half our classes together, lived on the same street, and talked ALL the time in middle school). But you know what? whatever. I was upset but I got over it.

Drama then occurred during the Prom season. My best friend had her heart set on going with this one boy. Well it turns out this one boy wanted to go with me (so ironic). So I told him no, because I couldn’t do that to my best friend. I told my best friend though and she told me to tell him yes. Said boy then got his best friend to go to prom with my best friend. We all went on a group date. And it was great we had tons of fun. Then prom came….. so much drama occurred… and basically by the end of the night only my best friend and I were still talking. Nothing truly bad happened. But basically the guy I went with was so embarrassed about how bad everything went that he never really talked to me again.

I then went to undergrad. Never had a single date. I was asked out once. But when I told him I couldn’t b/c I had a paper due that week but would love to another time…. he took that as a rejection. Sadly. But basically, I put my school work and volunteer jobs ahead of all my possible relationships and friendships. Growing up, I was told that school should always come first. My oldest sister was always criticized for always having a boyfriend. So I thought that it was wrong anyway. Basically, school comes first no matter what.

So that’s basically where I am now. In grad school. With a tragically boring love life. Currently…. I’m dealing with unrequited love. But since friends of mine read this, I won’t be going into that now.

My answer gathered from all of the above: (A) I have no pheromones. (B) I’m not worthy of love due to all the mistakes I made  (C) I have OCD so I should never have a relationship

To everyone with OCD this last answer is complete and utter crap. Just b/c you have OCD does not mean you can’t be in a relationship or get married or anything. Tons of people with OCD do. BUT my family conditioned me in such a way to think that OCD was such a terrible thing, that I don’t feel like I will ever be worthy of love. Depressing I know. But soooo Ironically sad. My parents have tried to retract this statement from their views on life (especially now that they know more about OCD since I made them read about it), but I have a hard time not believing it. I mean my brother married someone who my parents also labeled as “not mentally stable” (which is not true she just has depression issues) and told me many a times that she should have never married my brother or anyone due to this. And I stress this is completely and utterly WRONG. But I can’t get over it.

I feel like I screwed up so much and now I have OCD. I am not worthy of love and I shouldn’t put myself in that situation, because inevitably someone will be hurt.

I would never tell current crush how I feel, because I am terrified that one of us will get hurt because it won’t work b/c I have OCD.

I have such a cynical view on love. BUT I so want it to exist for me. With EVERY fiber of my being.

I’m actually watching Love Actually right now. And one of the stories is about unrequited love. And in this scene Mark tells his best friend’s wife that he is in love with her. He tells her this by writing it on large pieces of cardboard, so that her husband doesn’t hear them.

My favorite quote: “But for now, let me say – Without hope or agenda – Just because it’s Christmas – And at Christmas you tell the truth – To me, you are perfect – And my wasted heart will love you – Until you look like this (shows picture of a mummy).- Mark From Love Actually ♥

But here I am. I remain cynical and secretly I harbor some hope… even if it is an extremely small amount.

I will end up an old maid, but I’m coming to terms with this. After all as Elizabeth Bennett says in the Keira Knightly Version of Pride and Prejudice “Only deep love will persuade me to marry. Which is why I’ll end up an old maid.”

So this is a depressing post for the Christmas season. So please go watch Love Actually and feel love (ignore the few depressing stories even though I feel like my life will end up like those).

Ok… I’m gonna go now before I make this more depressing. I hope all of you had a marvelous christmas! 🙂

 
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Posted by on December 26, 2011 in Uncategorized

 

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Christmas!!!

Merry Christmas everyone!!!

I hope your day is filled with lots of food and love!!! 🙂

 
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Posted by on December 25, 2011 in Uncategorized

 

Band-Aids vs Me… Yes Band-Aids are trying to take over the world… at least my world

Band-aids.

A word that strikes fear into my heart.

Right now. My heart is racing. The thought. Of band-aids. What is possibly on a band-aid…. that other horrible thing…. blood…

This word probably only strikes fear into me (and possibly someone else with OCD). Remember when you were little and you WANTED to be that kid with the band-aid? The one who had to go to the nurse’s office and get the coolest band-aid they had? Plus you would get even more cool points if the nurse gave you a bag of ice. That way, after you felt “better” and gained all the pity you could play with the ice. Whether that was to throw it at a foe/crush or try to eat as much of it as you could as fast as you could.

I remember my first band-aid at school. I was in Kindergarten. I tripped and fell on the pavement and skinned up my whole knee. They gave me this huge band-aid covered in clowns… kinda freaky now that I think about it… but I wasn’t scared of clowns back then (nor am I particularly now they are just kinda freaky). But that band-aid made me feel invincible! When I wasn’t being pitied, I was the cool kid of the class! I could conquer the world because of the band-aid!!!!

But now band-aids….. blood…. There are so many scary blood diseases out there! But I’m a rational person. I received a 4.0 GPA in undergrad. I can think through this logically. You can’t get HIV from a band-aid. Once HIV hits the air it dies within seconds. Almost impossible to get it that way. Well… what other scary diseases are there that are blood related? All the Hepatitis’… So that is A, B, C. Well… everyone around my age was forced to get the Hep B shot when we were in middle school. So not only am I protected but most of my peers are protected as well. So I’m good on that front. I received a Hep A shot, due to the nature of my field work and so have most people I normally interact with… again due to the nature of our field work…. But man…. Hep C…. there is nothing you can do for it…. Nothing… No protection… AND it can live for 4 DAYS IN DRY BLOOD. Well at least according to the CDC, which is my number one source for all contaminated related things lol ;). If you have OCD I am very sorry for bringing to light the scariness of Hep C… but hopefully it doesn’t bother you… b/c I mean think about it… the odds that someone has Hep C and that you somehow get it from touching dry blood (you would have to reactivate it with water in order for it to be able to get into your system)… are about the same odds as someone being struck by lightning twice (according to my wonderful Ivy league trained therapist– hmmm but lets not point out that I have a great-uncle who was struck my lightning… but only once! but he was also hit by a train around the same time (yes he is still alive)…hmm….lol).

So really there is nothing to be scared of! I am in fact in no way going to get Hep C from accidentally touching a band-aid with my shoe…..or the side of my foot if I’m wearing sandals.

But…. what do we find? Band-aids…. they are EVERYWHERE. And anytime I see one my brain automatically jumps to the scariness of band-aids and blood and the possible contamination that they hold. And once you are freaked out about something you see it EVERYWHERE. The other blog that I mentioned that really helped me get through my major OCD crisis… I found out that one of her scariest things was raw chicken. And everywhere she looked there was always raw chicken… on the sidewalk! So maybe its an OCD thing… and we notice things we wouldn’t  normally…. or maybe the world really is out to get OCD people…. but either way… I know where every single band-aid is from my walk to my house to school. There are three in total that have been their all semester that I no longer fear. I mean any disease on it would be dead (though Hep B lasts AT LEAST 7 days… but we have a shot for that so its ok). But I still avoid them like the plague…. one is one of those circle band-aids near the sidewalk near my house, the other is a plain band-aid (that definitely has something red on it) on the main sidewalk to get to the top of campus, and another is a ELMO band-aid near the student center. But besides these three… I always see others. EVERYWHERE.

Seriously some days I believe that the world is against me and will put band-aids in the least likely places…

OH! And it DOESN’T HELP that many OCD people have depth perception issues and also are very bad at reading maps. I’m not bad at reading maps… I am horrible at drawing them… which well isn’t good for my career choice… but man… do I have depth perception issues…  I could be like 2 feet away from the band-aid and think that it touched me. Sometimes I freak out that my hands touched something icky (like a band-aid) on the ground and I have to remind myself “YOU ARE NOT A GORILLA!!! YOUR

ARMS DO NOT TOUCH THE GROUND WHILE YOU WALK (though I do have freakishly long arms… according to my arm length, I am supposed to be 5’10” but i am barely 5’7″ but this is digressing lol). THERE IS NO POSSIBLE WAY THAT YOUR HAND COULD HAVE TOUCHED THAT BAND AID THAT IS TWO FEET AWAY AND ON THE GROUND. THINK RATIONALLY.” But of course I still freak out for about 10 minutes (well that was at the beginning of all this. Now it only takes about a minute)… until I visualize a gorilla in my head and remind myself…that although I lack pheromones and may possibly look like a gorilla, since I have been shown no proof that my good looks or my pheromones are working,… my ARMS DO NOT TOUCH THE GROUND.

The world is a weird weird place with many band-aids everywhere. so please if you take off a band-aid THROW IT AWAY. So we OCD people can live in peace without fear of the band-aid.

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Posted by on December 24, 2011 in Uncategorized

 

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Trying to Learn How to Not be the World’s Condom

I know an odd title, but this was a phrase that one of my really good friends (she also has OCD) said to me once. I cannot be the world’s condom… no matter how much I want to ensure NO ONE is contaminated in any way.

That is how my OCD mostly manifests itself. I have contamination fears. Not just that I will be contaminated, but that I will accidentally contaminate someone else and inconvenience them.  I have a strong immune system but not every one does! I don’t want anyone to get behind in their grad school work just b/c I didn’t wash my hands good enough (leading me to you know wash my hands on an average of about 50 times a day at the beginning of all this).

My favorite example of this that I love to laugh about… I now call the “Mac and Cheese Incident.” So I was at school and I was hungry, so I headed to our department’s little communal kitchen area to make some Easy Mac. Ask anyone in the department, I was the queen of Easy mac. If anyone was hungry and didn’t have a lunch with them…just come find me I will provide anyone with Easy Mac. I always have/had it stashed somewhere.

Well anyway. I was actually having a really bad OCD day this day. I had taken an hour-long shower (which are always the worst part of my day. Yes you get clean in the shower, but prior to getting in you are dirty. What if you touch something while dirty and it doesn’t get washed off in the shower? such as the shower curtain? and then you get all clean and touch that and look your all contaminated again), I was freaked out that my shoe had touched some garbage on the side-walk since it was garbage day, which made me freak out pretty badly when I accidentally stepped on the straps of someone’s backpack that was on the floor (did I just contaminate their backpack?? should I tell them? will they think I’m weird? but better they think I’m weird then them getting sick…. which is when I ran off to a friend and got reassurance that it was ok and I didn’t need to tell the person anything b/c it was their fault for having their backpack on the floor in the first place), I was late for a meeting due to the said 1 hour shower plus the like 2 hours it took me to actually get out of the house, and I was also freaked out about the fact that I touched the door handle in the bathroom after I washed my hands prior to touching communal kitchen stuff. So yea, bad day thus far.

But anyway back to the Easy Mac. So I opened it, put the water in, cooked it, all fine and dandy. BUT THEN after it cooks you have to add the cheese. Well I added the cheese and made a small cheese mess on the table. I went and got a paper towel and got as much of it as I could onto the paper towel and threw it away. Everything was fine. But then as I was walking out of the kitchen. I started to freak out. “omg… did I get all the cheese off the table? did some of it accidentally get on one of the chairs?? Is someone who is allergic to cheese going to get it on their hands and then somehow end up in their mouth and then they will have an allergic reaction????” Seriously this stream of thought would not leave me alone… So what did I do? I snuck back into the kitchen making sure no one would notice my odd behavior and began wiping the table and chairs down with a wet cloth until I felt better. But of course as soon as I was done… I started to freak out again that I missed a spot. Eventually I just had to leave the building call my parents and ask for reassurance. I find this completely and utterly hilarious now… seriously… how is a little bit of cheese… processed cheese at that!….going to make anyone have an allergic reaction just by touching it?? I cleaned I did my duty.

I told this story to my friend who also has OCD (she doesn’t have contamination fears so she can relate in just the right ways that she can keep my grounded) and that is when she told me I need to stop trying to be the World’s Condom. It’s not my fault if other people aren’t careful enough. I can’t possibly protect everyone in the entire world. No matter how many times I wash my hands, if someone is meant to get to sick it’s not my fault. It is their fault for not taking better care of themselves watching out for any “loose cheese around.”

I mean I laugh at this incident now, but I still have a very hard time eating Easy Mac at school. Actually I’m terrified of eating most things at school that aren’t easily contained. Because well… what if someone is allergic?

My problem? I care too much about others. Ironic… I know. Most people have the opposite problem. They don’t care enough about others. I don’t want others to be inconvenienced from me in any way. But the problem is I care so much about others that I am not taking care of myself at all, which is bad. If I want to change the world, I have to be healthy and fit first.

So the moral of today’s post…. no matter how much you try YOU ARE NOT AND CANNOT BE THE WORLD’S CONDOM. Its impossible. You cannot be responsible for the almost 7 billion people in this world. Care for yourself and once you have that under your belt you can care for the world. Yes, its wise to clean up any mess you make. But don’t freak out about it to the point that you can’t get any school work done b/c you think you “missed a spot.” Do the best when you’re doing something, and know that everything will be alright.

On a COMPLETELY different note. Guess what! One of my grades came out for this past semester and I totally got an A!!! I seriously don’t know I pulled it off. As I begin to reveal more to you about this horrific semester, you will see why I am in such shock I got such an amazing grade. I didn’t pay attention at all in the class for the first half of the semester, because I was always freaking out about something. I did hardly any of the readings, because I couldn’t focus on them! But by golly I had a major turning point half way through the semester and apparently I was able to pull off an A. I can’t tell you how proud of myself I am!! 🙂 yay for good grades! I may actually get into a PhD program! woot!

Well anyway I think I have rambled on long enough. But I hope someone learns a good lesson from my mac and cheese incident. lol. Next post will either be about my arch enemy (band-aids…. they are everywhere….) or my lack of pheromones (which has many ironically hilarious stories to go along with it that are sad in some light lol)

Until then I hope all of you are having a good contamination free day 🙂

 
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Posted by on December 23, 2011 in Uncategorized

 

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My world

So. I am not really sure what to say, or how one starts a blog. I feel though that it is necessary for many reasons to begin one. As you see in the title of this blog, this blog is about my life which I can’t decide whether I should label as a Comedic Tragedy or Tragic Comedy. There are so many ironic things about my life that I have decided the best way to deal with them is through humor. How else is one to survive in this world without laughing? I dearly love to laugh. Even at myself.

This past semester though there has been little laughing in my life. I’m a graduate student, so life is stressful enough as it is… but this semester I was diagnosed with Severe  Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). And it shook my world. Apparently, now that I know what OCD is, I have had it all my life. But after this summer, something went wrong in my brain and made living my life extremely difficult. OCD is a chemical imbalance, so its not like I’m ‘crazy’ or anything. I just don’t have enough serotonin in my brain. I got really sick this past summer, so my doctors think that is what triggered my OCD into such an advanced stage.

The good news is though that my therapist has never seen an individual advance so quickly in suppressing their OCD as I have (my OCD is now moderate to mild closer to mild!). Don’t get me wrong, I still have a very long way to go, but I feel like me again. That is, if I know who me is. Of course, the meds the doctors have put me on have really helped, but I like to think that it was my perseverance and want to not live the way my OCD was making me live.

I know one thing that got me through this semester though was the support that I found through other OCD blogs. There was one in particular that I could relate to pretty well and it truly helped me get back on my feet. I hope through the creation of this blog, someone may learn from my pain…my suffering… that I have been going through particularly this last semester, and realize that there is hope. That one can come out of the other side of OCD with who they once were/ are. Even if it is just one person who finds this blog, I will know that something good came out of me having OCD (Well besides having a constantly clean bathroom in my house lol).

My OCD is very much still active in my brain, but instead of it controlling me, I am now in control of it. I can hear myself think. So this blog is to help others… and to help me. To learn how to continue coping with this part of my life. The beginning of this semester was just so horrific… I really don’t know how I survived without running home to let me parents take care of me for the rest of my life. It was like I was mourning myself. I had lost myself, in a web of worrying, washing, avoiding, checking, and constantly asking for reassurance.

Now that I have reclaimed myself though I am going to continue to fight. I am going to prove to myself and others that I can still continue on this path in academia. I wont let OCD get in the way of my academic dreams or personal life.

So this blog will be talking a lot about OCD in general, I will discuss my OCD in more detail later, it will talk about how hard the life of an academic is and how much I want it. But I hope, besides this particular blog update, that I bring humor to all of our lives through my OCD melt downs and worries about academia, oh yea and lets not forget my horrible social life. Seriously… life is hard when you apparently have NO pheromones lol. I’m not sure if pheromones really exist or if you can be tested for them… but well in all my twenty plus years I have yet to see evidence that I have any.

But anyways. I hope I get the hang of this blog thing, and that something good comes out of it. If you have OCD or your an (wanna be) academic I hope you can learn something from following this blog.

 
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Posted by on December 22, 2011 in Uncategorized

 

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