RSS

Tag Archives: anxiety

A Hero in the Twilight

When I was younger, I always felt that I was destined for greatness. I wasn’t sure how it would play out. I didn’t really have a “hero” per se growing up… but I think my future self, who I knew I would somehow end up being, was my hero…she was the person I aspired to be… but I had no idea how I would get there. Plagued with OCD for much of life and just the general way I was brought up, my life was limited to say the least… but still I aspired to be a great woman making a difference in the world… someone who was truly special inside and out… someone who stories would be written about and other girls would look up to…

When my OCD hit hard in undergrad and then again during my MA that aspiration was wiped out of my mind. Secretly I hoped that I was still someone worthwhile… someone special… but I didn’t believe it beyond a tiny hope…

Now that I can see beyond the OCD… now that I am beyond the OCD… I don’t understand why I am not the woman I wanted to be. I want to be a woman constantly pouring and radiating out love and light… but I don’t know how nor if I can… I’ve seen my share of darkness and I don’t want any part of it… but as I try to live in the light the dark is always there in the back of my mind twirling unwanted thoughts around and attempting to make me fearful of life… I don’t want to live in fear of myself anymore… although my OCD is practically gone… I fear the OCD… I fear that monster returning… I fear that darkness will take over not allowing me to live any life…

So its like right now I’m in the twilight… either its about to be dawn or dusk… and with all my heart I just want it to be the dawn… but I fear that it will be the dusk… so I keep running staying in the twilight so that I don’t have to find out if the sun is rising or setting… so I don’t have to take the risk… but if I loose the gamble, I could loose everything…

I lost myself once before to the darkness of OCD… I honestly could not loose myself again… because I fear that I would never return from the dark…

I live in fear of the bad… I live in fear of the obsessions…I live in fear of the fear….

But I also live in fear of the good… fear that my run in the day will bring the night crashing down around me like it did once before… fear that the day won’t last… the light won’t last…

All I want is love… all I want is life… and every time I try to grasp for something it seems to fall away…

I feel lost… I don’t know who I am right now… I don’t even know who I wish to be… I don’t remember that hero… or maybe I do… but the aspects of her that I most remember require me to not fear and I don’t know how to do that yet.

I lived in fear for so long that I honestly can’t answer what would I do with my life if I didn’t live in fear? I don’t remember my passions anymore… I let them slip away because I didn’t want to allow myself to want for anything I knew I couldn’t have…

So maybe that is what I need to focus on… if I was completely OCD free and I lived with no fears… what would I be?

… I honestly have no idea…

Maybe I should just try to make myself feel content to live in the Twilight… but the problem is that I know I was  made for the day by a loving God. He made the day for ME. I know its where I belong… but I’m too terrified of falling into the night…

My Lord and God, do not abandon me; remember my need, for many evil thoughts and horrid fears trouble my mind and terrify my soul. How shall I pass through them unhurt? How shall I break their power over me? You have said, ‘I will go before you. I will open the gates of prison.’ Do, O Lord, as you have said, and let YOur coming put to flight all wicked thoughts.”

– The Imitation of Christ

Advertisements
 
2 Comments

Posted by on June 18, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

Tags: , , , , , , ,

OCD Everywhere!!!!!

I don’t know why today… but my OCD has been freaking out all day… mostly this afternoon

I guess there could be several causes: (1) started new birth control pack a day late… so it messed up hormones**** or (2) I caused it upon myself because I was channeling my inner OCD perfectionist in order to get my office completely organized they way I like it (compared to the absolute disorganized mess the person I replaced left it in)…

But seriously… where ever I look my greatest OCD fear is there!!!

My Day + OCD Fear

8:15 am- band-aid

I’m just walking to the bus stop… minding my own business… and lo’ and behold!! What is it that is on the ground!!! A bandaid!!! As some of you may have read in another post… bandaids scare the crap out of me… seriously!!! Hep C is sooooo scary!!!!! I’ve been much better at handling them… so thankfully I wasn’t too freaked out about this

8:30am- peanut

y’all know how I feel about peanut butter… but the only seat available on the bus had a peanut on the seat (and with my whole foot situation right now I prefer to sit rather than stand b/c well… balance isn’t something I have lol)!! At first I didn’t believe it… I was like “no way could that be a peanut… i’m just gonna sit (whatever it was was within this little indent thing so I couldn’t really feel it when I sat)”…. I finally stand up to get off the bus… and guess what! It was a peanut!! seriously!!! So then I start freaking out that i’m going to spread killer peanut materials everywhere!!!! Perhaps I should have cleaned it up so if the person who sat down next was allergic to peanuts they wouldn’t die… OMG!!! is it all my fault someone is going to have an allergic reaction???

Then my day went pretty well until after lunch… 

1pm- Batteries

I don’t think I have ever gone into detail on this blog (except a little here) about my fear of batteries… but the idea of what is contained in the battery and the possibility of them exploding and the mercury stuff getting into the water of mexico use to keep me up many nights… but I was completely reorganizing my office area today and what did I come across in random places?? but batteries!! Are they old? Have they been used? Are they new?? I don’t know!! Nor do I have anything to try them out in (and even if I did I would be terrified they would explode on me)… maybe I should just throw them away??? but no!!! You can’t throw away batteries!!! Do they have a way to recycle them here?? What if they don’t and they want me to throw them away??? And then its going to be all my fault that the environment is destroyed!!!!!

5pm- Children

Children… everywhere on the city buses (b/c school just got out) Children scare me… mostly because they are sooooo easily contaminatable (my new word lol)…. they don’t have the immune system we have! What if they get sick b/c they get near me or touch my bag or something?? Did my giant purse run into that homeless guy who most likely has germs on him, giving me the germs, and now I just transferred it to the kid???? ahhh!! Protect your child from all contamination!!!

6pm- Biohazard bag

I’m just walking home from the bus stop and what on earth do I almost step on?? but a biohazard bag!! what the crap??? why is that just on the sidewalk!!! Did i accidentally touch it with my foot?? DId my bag touch it??? Am i now biohazardess???

6:30pm- cement

All I want to do is take my puppy outside on a walk… all we are doing is walking to a grass area across the street… but oh look they are redoing the sidewalk… oh wow… their is wet cement… I’ve never gone into my fear about cement on this blog… but again it was a fear that arose around the same time as the whole battery thing (Summer 2011… worst summer of my life..)… but since I don’t feel like reexploring that fear too much b/c I’ll freak myself out more than I am already freaked out… lets just say it scares the crap out of me… so thoughts “Did my puppy get to near the cement???? Was their dry powdery cement near the wet cement that she walked in and then its going to get wet at some point and she is going to have a small encasement of cement on her??? did she digest powdery cement??? did it get on me??? ahhhhhhhhhh!”

So suffice to say… today wasn’t a good day… my OCD hasn’t been this active in a while… I think I will blame both of the reasons above… blah… but still looking on the bright side… I’m actually doing pretty good… I mean part of my brain is turning over and over again… but I don’t really feel anxious… I just know to think “oh whatever… thats just the OCD… I’ll ignore the over active part of my brain right now… if this had been a year and a half ago I would have saw that peanut and gone directly home to hide under my covers… I’m no where near as bad as I was… In fact… I’m even sitting hear already laughing at this post and my thought process because I know I sound pretty crazy… I know everything is going to be fine… which is why I am calm and actually not freaking out at all really… I haven’t washed my hands or changed clothes yet to today… I’m 1,000 times better than I would have been when this all first started… I’m handling it… and I’m so proud of myself

but still… I don’t want to jinx it and accidentally make it turn out into a full out panic attack or something… so for now I’m just going to curl up and watch Warm Bodies (i’ve heard great things about this movie!) and wait for tomorrow to come so I will really be laughing at everything… because the best way to cope with everything is laughter 🙂

I hope y’all are having a great day!

****So random OCD knowledge that might help some of you… when you are menstruating… the loss of blood actually makes your OCD worse b/c with that blood you are also loosing serotonin (which is what we OCDers lack)! So being on birth control helps me maintain my serotonin levels hormonally (along with my prozac which I guess is more chemically) and then I know when to expect my serotonin levels to go lower (since the pills make you regular), making it easier to handle the OCD… so yea something that may be helpful for some of y’all to know! Its much easier to handle my OCD certain times of the month now that I take birth control.

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on June 7, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

Sneak Attack

I’ve been feeling a little off for most of the day. I pulled an allnighter on Tuesday to get a paper done for Wednesday. Apparently I’m getting too old for allnighters… and the moment I got home on Wednesday around 1pm I fell asleep… until 7pm… and then I was up for about three hours and fell back to sleep around 1030 or 11… I then meant to wake up at like 6am since I had gotten so much sleep… but I didn’t wake up until 1000… thankfully thursdays are my only late school days…

And all that sleep just made me more tired… so I was basically a walking zombie all day. I then went out to dinner and on my way back… I randomly had an all out panic attack.

I haven’t had a full blown panic attack that bad in over a year… I really don’t understand what brought it on…

can my weird sleep cycle have done it for me? I haven’t been taking my Klonopin for the majority of this semester b/c my psychiatrist and I decided I didn’t really need it anymore… but I had to take it again today in order to stop the panic attack… and it takes 45 min to kick in… so that wasn’t fun…

I just don’t understand… why did this randomly happen??

not cool body/brain… not cool… I’m just gonna go to sleep now where you can’t make me have more panic attacks…

 
4 Comments

Posted by on April 25, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

Peanut Butter and Moving on…

So one of my biggest OCD issues I have, which I have yet to be able to deal with, is Peanut Butter.

Peanut Butter terrifies the living daylights out of me. No I’m not allergic… but other people are!

What if I am eating a Peanut Butter Sandwich or Reese’s Cup and get some on my hand… then not paying attention I get it on the desk at which I am sitting in the library studying and eating said Peanut Butter thing. What if next person to sit at said desk is allergic to Peanut Butter??? and they touch the Peanut Butter I accidentally left behind and they start to have an allergic reaction and possibly die???

Yea I know not very probable… but there was that girl in Canada who died from Kissing her boyfriend who had eaten a Peanut Butter Candy Bar!

Yes most of the time people with peanut allergies have EpiPens for occasions like this… but it didn’t seem to work on that one girl…

I just don’t want to be the accidental cause of someone getting sick and having a horrible allergic reaction because of me!

So what do I do? I avoid Peanut Butter like the plague.

This isn’t exactly the best thing to do in life, because for those of us who aren’t allergic to Peanut Butter it is actually really good for you. My doctors keep recommending that I eat it because it is a good source of energy (which I lack), but I just give them a look and they remember my fear.

But I know I need to work on this. Even though I didn’t want to.

I accidentally started working on it in February without planning to do so. My now ex-boyfriend and I met for the first time to see a movie, and what yummy treat did he sneak into the theater for us to share? None other than Reese’s Pieces… It was so sweet that he brought them for us to share and we had just met so I couldn’t explain to him that I was terrified of Peanut Butter. So I swallowed my fear and ate them with him… and you know what? I felt safe and I felt that everyone around me was safe from the peanut butter too… my ex was awesome like that… without even realizing it or doing anything he made me feel safe…

And after dating for a while I just picked up that he was a bit obsessed with peanut butter and anytime we shared a candy it usually had peanut butter in it. I even once bought us Peanut Butter M&Ms for us to split and when we couldn’t finish them all I took them home and ate them by myself!

I know for a normal person that doesn’t seem like a great accomplishment, but believe me it was. Yea I hadn’t started to eat real peanut butter that wasn’t in something contained… but this was a step in the right direction… This Wednesday it will have been a month since I had last seen him and three weeks since he broke up with me… I hadn’t touched peanut butter since…

I don’t have that amazing guy to make me feel safe anymore…

But you know what? I should feel safe by myself… and even if I can’t muster that courage to feel safe by myself yet… I should feel safe because God is with me… and will keep me from accidentally getting Peanut Butter somewhere that a person with an allergy might touch.

So what did I do today? I went and bought my favorite cereal in the whole world: Peanut Butter Captain Crunch… yea its still not real Peanut Butter but its a step up from just eating it in candy… and yes… I ate it. I was really hesitant at first and kinda scared when I first started to eat it… but I didn’t feel any anxiety about it after only a few minutes.

A great accomplishment I think.

I’m heart broken that he left me. I’m anxious about Peanut Butter. But I’m not letting either stop me… I’m moving on with my life and with Peanut Butter on my own.

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on April 21, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

Not Alone

If you had told me this time last year that I would be in a PhD program with a great advisor, in a new fantastic city thousands a miles away from my parents, in great relationships with my family and friends, and living almost every day relatively anxiety free… I wouldn’t have believed you.

I wouldn’t have laughed. I wouldn’t have shook my head. I would just have completely disregarded you and gone back into my world of misery, fear, pain, loneliness, distrust, and lovelessness.

At this point last year… I was just diagnosed with severe OCD. My therapist who I had been seeing for about a month had explained it to me. Told me that I wasn’t evil. Told me that I wasn’t a bad person. And told me that these thoughts were not me, but OCD. And that through therapy, CBT, ERP, and medication that I would find my life again.

But how could I find my life again, when I realized I had actually been living this way since I was 8 years old (at least)? Who was I? How did we not know that I really wasn’t a monster who could hide behind the label of OCD?

It was like a Chinese Finger trap (this is actually a common way to describe OCD). I was trapped and the more and more I tried to pull away from the OCD and the horrible thoughts and compulsions the more I was stuck. The more I couldn’t move. The more I was captured and imprisoned in my own mind.

My thoughts were even if this was OCD… even if I wasn’t evil… who would allow these fears to manifest themselves in their brain? How did these thoughts ever even get there? Obviously I was a horrible individual. I didn’t deserve to live. I didn’t trust myself.

I felt that it was my duty to protect the world. It was a core belief. I should have moved that stick off the sidewalk. What if someone trips over it and hurts themselves? What if they trip over it and run into a wall and knock themselves unconscious? It would be all my fault they were hurt. I should have moved the stick. I should have warn that other person that there was litter on the ground. What if their shoe touched it? And then they tied their shoe? And then got whatever was on the litter on their hand and then got sick from it? It was all my fault they were sick. It was all my fault they were inconvenienced.

My life was inconveniencing everyone. I didn’t deserve to live. I never acted on any of my suicidal thoughts… but they were there. It was only my faith in God that he would pull me through this that kept me alive. But still even the OCD tried to take that faith away from me.

I didn’t deserve to be God’s child. Not that anyone did (it was only through God’s grace and sending his Son to take our place in death that we are given forgiveness)… but me in particular. I deserved to go to hell. I wasn’t worthy of God’s forgiveness and love. Even if he could possibly forgive me… wouldn’t I be taking away some of His time in which He could be worrying about His other children? Time in which He could be doing amazing things in their lives? – These were thoughts the OCD plagued me with. I should have never been created. I should have just been completely wiped out from existence.

I honestly don’t know how I got out of bed everyday. I had started taking medication at this point… it takes Prozac 8 weeks to kick in… but everyday was full of elaborate rituals (I probably spent 4-8 hours doing compulsions… whether it be showering, washing my hands, cleaning, or calling my parents for the nth time to ask for reassurance). I was terrified of all bathrooms, including my own. I shared it with my roommate. What if I accidentally didn’t clean something up and left the bathroom contaminated and my roommate got sick? What if I didn’t wash my hands enough… so someone got some germ that I somehow was carrying? Bathrooms, showers, and sinks were the scariest places in the world. Yes they were the place you went to go get clean… but you were dirty first.

I was even terrified of going to the kitchen b/c I was terrified of accidentally contaminating my roommate’s food! At this point I had stopped eating regularly. I could eventually convince myself to eat at home some days… but not without a ton of reassurance from my parents and roommate. But I could not eat anything out in public. What if someone was allergic to something I was eating and I get it somewhere and they touched it? They would then have an allergic reaction and be inconvenienced. Even though I am 99% better today.. I still can’t go anywhere near peanut butter… People who are allergic to peanut butter can die from it. I don’t want to be the cause of accidentally getting peanut butter somewhere and someone dying from it.

I usually went straight to school for my classes and went straight back home afterwards. The whole entire time I would be freaking out about something. I wouldn’t be able to concentrate in class. But I had to go to class… otherwise I might fail… and failure was just as bad as contamination in my OCD world. Maybe that is why I never ended up acting on any of my suicidal thoughts… I was too terrified of failing life. I thought perhaps I could still somehow redeem myself. Even though my parents tried to drag me home several times so that they could take care of me, I refused to let them… I couldn’t fail school… it is what I had dedicated my whole life too.

I lost friends that semester. Only one friend knew I had OCD at this point and it was because she had told me the year before she had OCD and I was able to tell her. Even though I had told my one friend with OCD about my OCD…she had the same issues I had if not worse. I had someone to turn too… to be with… but since we were struggling with the same things… were were still both just as alone… but to everyone else … I was just a ghost of the girl they use to know. My professors looked at me in disappointment. They didn’t even try to get me to answer questions anymore in class. My friends… they tried to talk to me… but I couldn’t let them in. I was scared of what they would think. Long distance friends called me… but I refused to answer… eventually they got tired of their calls going to voice mail and stopped trying. The only things my friends at school noticed about me was my angry red and chapped hands that were often bleeding from all the washing I was doing.

It was the first week of October though that things started to turn around for me. One of my very best friends in my program who was basically like my big brother… forced me to talk to him. He saw me fading away… and his brotherly love could no longer take it anymore. He took me out to dinner… sat me down… and tried to get me to tell him what was wrong. He kept asking probing questions and I kept trying to avoid answering them.

Eventually though my defense walls fell down. The next thing I knew I was telling him everything. Everything that was wrong with me… How I knew there was something wrong with my since I was 8… how I was terrified of living… how I was terrified of dying… how I was terrified of not protecting the world good enough… how I was terrified that I could no longer continue on.

I had been in therapy for a month at this point… but there was absolutely nothing more therapeutic than talking to my friend. It was like a weight was taken off my shoulders. He sat and listened. He took in everything that I said. He actually understood… he struggled with his own mental conditions… he could relate.

I was no longer alone.

That was the key. This friend… he could relate in all the right ways but also was at a distance that he wasn’t alone in the same way I was.

He showed me friendship, trust, and love. He pushed me forward.

After I told him… I then felt better about talking to my other really close friends about it. The more people I let into my secret.. the more of me I was becoming again. Suddenly the ghost of the girl that I was was coming back into visibility. I wasn’t in color yet… but I think I went from ghostly to black and white.

I was able to create an amazing support system around me. My friends who were long distance called me and checked on me, after I talked to them about my OCD. They were constantly there supporting me. And my close friends at school were there to calm me down in the mist of a panic attack… telling me it was ok. That I would be ok. That they were there for me. That they loved me. It would all be ok… I wasn’t alone… I had them…

That is how I was finally able to begin shutting the OCD out. By not being alone. I know prior to this I wasn’t alone. I had God. I had my family. But sometimes you need the closeness of your very best friends.. to help you realize the love that God has for you and your family.

It was through them that I was actually able to turn back to God. Even though none of them were particularly Christians. I was able to conceptualize love, trust, and companionship because of the way that I felt it on Earth. That is how I was finally able to turn back to God to start being protected again by Him and allowing Him to love me.

My brain was my prison… so I had to escape. And it was my friends who helped me do it. I probably could have eventually dug myself out of my prison alone… but the more people you have to help you to dig… the easier and quicker it is.

Thinking back to these dark days… I never ever could imagine being where I am today. Getting great new experiences, experiencing love, becoming closer to my family, friends, and most importantly God.

That is why I started this blog… so that others wouldn’t feel alone. You are not alone… no matter what you are going through… I am here. God is here. Your friends are here.

OCD is not your friend. It is just a stupid chemical imbalance that makes your brain get stuck on repeat of your worst fears (it is very closely related to Tourette’s syndrome… but instead of stuck on physical actions you are stuck on thoughts). Those compulsions you do to make you feel better? They may make you feel better for a few seconds… but in the end they are extremely detrimental to you… they just reaffirm the thoughts… which are not you. They are your worst fears. But they are not you. You can escape them.

You are a beautiful person. Created by a God who loves you. You are not alone. He is here. I am here. You are not alone.

If I can go from practically bed ridden to thriving in a relatively OCD free world in a year… so can you. Do not let your OCD and fears win. You will win. You just have to keep going and know you are not alone. In the end Love always wins… you are love, your friends are love, your family is love, and God is love. Don’t ever underestimate the people that are in your life… God put them there for a reason… and that reason was to draw you closer to Him.

 
3 Comments

Posted by on September 29, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

The Oxymoronic OCD Driver

This is ALL based on ME and MY OCD experiences while Driving:

To do list to successfully make it from Point A to Point B in a moving vehicle under your control:

(1) Determine you need to go somewhere.

(2) Think about all the reasons you need to go somewhere and if you really could get out of not going.

(3) Convince someone to drive you… FAIL.

(4) Layout the whole driving path in your mind. Think about why car crashes happen. Its because people are not focused enough on what they are doing. Focus in your mind on the task at hand.

(5) Grab the keys and start to freak out. “Omg… I am about to get into a car… do you know people DIE IN CARS. People get HIT BY cars who are in cars AND who are just WALKING.”

(6) Get into the car. turn on.

(7) Find the most perfect comfortable way to sit. This includes putting a pillow, sweater, teddy bear on your lap… anything to hold on to for support and comfort… holding the car underneath your hands just isn’t stable enough. The pillow, sweater, teddy bear is the opposite of a death contraption and will give you feelings of protection! And something to squeeze when you get scared.

(8) Back out of the drive way. Truly start freaking out here “I am driving a KILLING MACHINE! What if I don’t see someone and accidentally hit them??? What if someone wants to commit suicide and just jumps out in front of my car and I get in trouble? What if I commit suicide by running into or off something?? Do I want to commit suicide? Omg by getting into this car am I resigning myself to suicide??? AM I SUICIDAL??!! I don’t want to commit suicide! What if I accidentally committ suicide!!!!”

(9) Before fully out of the drive way look both ways HUNDREDS OF TIMES to make sure no one is there in terms of car or pedestrian.

(10) Leave the drive way. Start Driving. Think… “must focus… must focus…as long as I am focused on the task at hand.. I will not accidentally kill anyone and I will not commit suicide!!!”

(11) Get out of neighborhood. “Omg there are children everywhere!!! Please PLEASE don’t let me see any of them even in there yards b/c then I’m going to freak out that they are going to run into the middle of the road and I am going to accidentally hit them.” *see child in neighbor’s yard* Drive 5mph till out of view of child to make sure child doesn’t come running anywhere near the car.

(12) Finally on the main road!!! “Omg what I was thinking driving somewhere!!! I’m going to end up killing myself! I don’t want to… but I mean if I just accidentally tilt the wheel in that direction I am going to straight off the bridge and die!! I don’t want to die!! But what if I do it on accident??? I don’t want too!!!”

(13) Continue driving on main road…hit pot whole…. “OMG WHAT DID I JUST HIT??? DID A PERSON RUN OUT INTO THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD??? DID I NOT SEE THEM?? WHAT THE CRAP HAPPENED?????” Look in all mirrors and on car for signs of hitting a person… releaved too not see any signs of hitting someone… then check and look at other cars to make sure no one else stopped b/c they saw you hit someone. Finally look at the cars behind you and the road to realize “oh… that was just a pot whole.”

(14) Continue driving…. “OMG I AM DRIVING A KILLING MACHINE. MUST FOCUS MUST FOCUS. I MUST BREATHE AND FOCUS ON DRIVING. OH GOSH I NEED TO FOCUS ON BREATHING!! AM I BREATHING??? AM I GOING TO DIE??? OH NO I CAN’T TELL IF I AM BREATHING!!!” *Due compulsions that make you realize that yes you are breathing (touch nose feeling breath on hand)* *Due compulsions to make sure that in fact you are alive and just not breathing while brain dead (do weird throat thing I can’t really describe)* “OMG IF I AM SO FOCUSED ON BREATHING I CAN’T SWALLOW MY SPIT! WHAT IF I DROWN ON MY OWN SPIT! I DON’T WANT TO SWALLOW IT!!!!” *(Grab onto pillow, teddy bear, sweater to give you the support you need to swallow your spit)*

(15) Continue driving… start full on panic attack… “OMG I CAN’T BREATHE. WHY CAN’T I BREATHE. OH NO MY HANDS AND FEET ARE STARTING TO GO NUMB. OMG IT HURTS TO BREATHE. MY VISION IS STARTING TO BECOME BLACK AT THE EDGES!!! AM I HAVING A HEARTATTACK?? AM I GOING TO DIE??? IN THE PROCESS OF ME DIEING IS SOMEONE ELSE GOING TO DIE TO B/C I’LL END UP RUNNING INTO TRAFFIC INSTEAD OF OFF THE ROAD. OMG I DON’T WANT TO DIE NOR DO I WANT ANYONE ELSE TO DIE.”

(16) Grab cell phone. Dial first number appears. “Hi mom! I need you to talk to me! I NEED YOU TO KEEP MY MIND OFF OF DRIVING!!!! Yes I know normal people need to focus to drive.. but believe me mom I don’t want to focus while driving… I FOCUS TO MUCH! Please just talk to me so that I can focus on something else besides my impending doom.”

(17) Talk to individual until feeling in hands returns. Realize that you can actually swallow and breathe without actually thinking about it.

(18) Talk to individual until at destination and car is turned off.

(19) Talk to individual until heart rate has gone down and you can finally unclinch your hands from the steering wheel.

(20) Get off the phone. Thanking individual for talking to you.

(21) Open car door. Put feet on the ground and your head between your legs, so that you don’t want to pass out/throw up anymore.

(22) Run to the nearest bathroom to puke.

(23) Enjoy your Destination… lasts about 10 minutes

(24) Start freaking out about return trip

(25) REPEAT.

_________________________________________________________

So yes… if you have ever wondered why someone may not like driving or may appear to be a bad driver (although everyone in my family says I am the BEST driver… b/c I am so focused on not dying or killing anyone), it may be because they have OCD. And have the complete and utter OCD break down described above EVERY TIME they get behind the wheel.

Is it laughable? Of course!! Is it during the situation? Nope.

But yes this is why I don’t drive. This is a for realz experience lol.

 
2 Comments

Posted by on April 18, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

Tags: , , , , ,