Tag Archives: wanting


So I know I said that I was going to write about my connection with the Lady of Shalott… but I currently have other things on my mind.

Prior to going into these musings though SPOILER ALERT FOR SNOW WHITE AND THE HUNTSMAN. DON’T SAY I DIDN’T WARN YOU IF I ACCIDENTALLY REVEAL TOO MUCH ABOUT THE MOVIE FOR YOU. I don’t think there is actually any spoilers but just in case you’ve been warned lol


So obviously I went and saw Snow White and the Huntsman with my best friend yesterday. It was a FANTASTIC movie. Seriously. I was extremely surprised, especially since it starred Kristen Stewart (which is why my Snow White pictures in this blog is of Snow White in Once Upon a Time and not Snow White and the Huntsman lol). Don’t get me wrong I do love most of the movies she is in (yes I’m a Twilight fan don’t judge lol)… but she can’t act. I’m sorry she can’t. All of her facial expressions seem to say “I need to go throw up now.” lol. But we will save my Kristen Stewart rant for another day. BUT ANYWAY all the other actors, the plot line, the computer animation, and the set were just SO amazing that I couldn’t help but absolutely love the movie and the character of Snow White (let us pretend she isn’t Kristen Stewart).

Snow White (at least in this rendition) is everything I ever have wanted to be: innocent, pure, fair, beautiful inside and out, courageous, fearless, putting others before herself, active, wanting to change the world for the better, strong, willing to love all, gentle, kind… and so many other qualities.

It is characters such as Snow White, Wanderer from The Hostand Edith from The Inheritance that I long to be.

I don’t want to be who I am… lazy, tired, scared, fearful, self- centered, forgetful, and unkind. I want to change and be just like them. But I don’t think I can. Or at least I don’t know how one can go back to “innocence” and “purity.”

I think I was once like Snow White for a period of my life. After I got into a huge blow out with a friend in high school about myself… I decided to change my life around. Care about others way more than me. Put others before me at all times. I stayed that way until the end of my 2nd year of undergrad… then OCD pulled me under its grips.

Having OCD has made me feel like I lost my innocence… my purity… because of the thoughts that plagued me. I became self-centered because I had to be careful of my actions at all times so that I didn’t ever hurt anyone. As I mentioned the root of all my OCD is really my fear of hurting others in terms of something just as simple as hurting someone’s feelings on accident or something ridiculous like accidentally contaminating them because I didn’t wash my hands enough or accidentally poisoning someone because I wasn’t paying attention well enough to the cleaning products I used and got it in a cup or something (ridiculous I know but it is something I fear).

My problem is is that I cared SO much about everyone else that I wanted to take myself out of the game of life in fear that I would accidentally inconvenience someone. So in a way its a bit of an oxymoron I became solely focused on myself, because I became fearful of what I may do to someone else’s life that might accidentally make it worse.

Snow White though… is so selfless that she never thinks of herself and always does good for others. Never does she do something that isn’t for the good of all mankind. And when the evil queen’s small army that went after Snow White after she escaped set fire to the village she was staying in… Snow White tried to stay to help the others, but it was the towns people who needed her to be safe. Needed her to continue on so that she may heal the rest of the world.

Snow White showed love for all. Forest creatures, the dwarfs she met a long the way, her huntsman, and her child hood friend. She even no longer hated the queen but felt sorry for her. Snow White is not one capable of hate.

I don’t think I am really capable of hate either. I think its wrong to hate anyone and that everyone who asks for it should be given a second chance. But there is one person I hate… myself. And I don’t know how to get over it or if I ever will. I’m too terrified to be selfless because what if in trying to help people I accidentally hurt someone?

Plus I’m not someone who people are just automatically drawn too. I read books and watch movies about the type of pure, innocent girl who so many love (both in terms of friendship and romantically) and I have never had that. Even during that period when I think I was most like Snow White… I never had followers or people drawn to me. I was always behind the scenes away from the lime light because I never wanted it (though secretly I think I did want it.. but wanting the lime light kind of scared me b/c that meant I cared too much about myself)… but neither do the “Snow White” type of women, but they still get it.

Taking a quote from A Great and Terrible Beauty 

“It’s not Kartik’s longing that hurts.  It’s my own. It’s knowing that I”ll never have what she has- a beauty* so powerful it brings things to you. I fear I will always have to chase the things I want. I’ll always have to wonder whether I’m truly wanted or whether I’ve just been settled for.”

*I’m interpreting beauty here as both inner and outer

I’ll never be the Snow White type… no matter how much I want it. I’ll always have to wonder if my presence is even wanted because I’m not the type of girl I want to be and other’s want me to be.

I long to be beautiful, to be pure, to be innocent, to be brave, to change the world for the better… But I’ll never be Snow White… I’m just always going to be me… and that isn’t good enough for anyone, especially me.

If I ever was once Snow White… OCD was my poisoned apple… and sadly I will never be woken by true love’s kiss… but forever stuck in a sleep full of nightmares

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Posted by on June 14, 2012 in Uncategorized


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My connection with the Lady of Shalott Part 1

“The Lady of Shalott” by Alfred Lord Tennyson

Part I

On either side of the river lie
Long fields of barley and of rye,
That clothe the world and meet the sky;
And through the field the road runs by
To many-towered Camelot;
And up and down the people go,
Gazing where the lilies blow
Round an island there below,
The island of Shalott.1

Willows whiten, aspens quiver,
Little breezes dusk and shiver
Through the wave that runs for ever
By the island in the river
Flowing down to Camelot.
Four gray walls, and four gray towers,
Overlook a space of flowers,
And the silent isle imbowers
The Lady of Shalott.

By the margin, willow veiled
Slide the heavy barges trailed
By slow horses; and unhailed
The shallop flitteth silken-sailed
Skimming down to Camelot:
But who hath seen her wave her hand?
Or at the casement seen her stand?             25
Or is she known in all the land,
The Lady of Shalott?

Only reapers, reaping early
In among the bearded barley,
Hear a song that echoes cheerly
From the river winding clearly,
Down to towered Camelot:
And by the moon the reaper weary,
Piling sheaves in uplands airy,
Listening, whispers “‘Tis the fairy
Lady of Shalott.”

Part II

There she weaves by night and day
A magic web with colours gay.
She has heard a whisper say,
A curse is on her if she stay
To look down to Camelot.
She knows not what the curse may be,
And so she weaveth steadily,
And little other care hath she,
The Lady of Shalott.

And moving through a mirror clear
That hangs before her all the year,
Shadows of the world appear.
There she sees the highway near
Winding down to Camelot:  50
There the river eddy whirls,
And there the curly village-churls,
And the red cloaks of market girls,
Pass onward from Shalott.

Sometimes a troop of damsels glad,
An abbot on an ambling pad,
Sometimes a curly shepherd-lad,
Or long-haired page in crimson clad,
Goes by to towered Camelot;
And sometimes through the mirror blue
The knights come riding two and two:
She hath no loyal knight and true,
The Lady of Shalott.

But in her web she still delights
To weave the mirror’s magic sights,
For often through the silent nights
A funeral, with plumes and lights
And music, went to Camelot:
Or when the moon was overhead,
Came two young lovers lately wed;
“I am half sick of shadows,” said
The Lady of Shalott.

Part III

A bow-shot from her bower-eaves,
He rode between the barley-sheaves,
The sun came dazzling through the leaves,  75
And flamed upon the brazen greaves
Of bold Sir Lancelot.
A red-cross knight for ever kneeled
To a lady in his shield,
That sparkled on the yellow field,
Beside remote Shalott.

The gemmy bridle glittered free,
Like to some branch of stars we see
Hung in the golden Galaxy.
The bridle bells rang merrily
As he rode down to Camelot:
And from his blazoned baldric slung
A mighty silver bugle hung,
And as he rode his armour rung,
Beside remote Shalott.

All in the blue unclouded weather
Thick-jewelled shone the saddle-leather,
The helmet and the helmet-feather
Burned like one burning flame together,
As he rode down to Camelot.
As often through the purple night,
Below the starry clusters bright,
Some bearded meteor, trailing light,
Moves over still Shalott.

His broad clear brow in sunlight glow’d;   100
On burnished hooves his war-horse trode;
From underneath his helmet flowed
His coal-black curls as on he rode,
As he rode down to Camelot.
From the bank and from the river
He flashed into the crystal mirror,
“Tirra lira,” by the river
Sang Sir Lancelot.

She left the web, she left the loom,
She made three paces through the room,
She saw the water-lily bloom,
She saw the helmet and the plume,
She looked down to Camelot.
Out flew the web and floated wide;
The mirror cracked from side to side;
“The curse is come upon me,” cried
The Lady of Shalott.

Part IV

In the stormy east-wind straining,
The pale yellow woods were waning,
The broad stream in his banks complaining,
Heavily the low sky raining
Over towered Camelot;
Down she came and found a boat
Beneath a willow left afloat,
And round about the prow she wrote  125
The Lady of Shalott.

And down the river’s dim expanse
Like some bold seer in a trance,
Seeing all his own mischance —
With a glassy countenance
Did she look to Camelot.
And at the closing of the day
She loosed the chain, and down she lay;
The broad stream bore her far away,
The Lady of Shalott.

Lying, robed in snowy white
That loosely flew to left and right —
The leaves upon her falling light —
Through the noises of the night
She floated down to Camelot:
And as the boat-head wound along
The willowy hills and fields among,
They heard her singing her last song,
The Lady of Shalott.

Heard a carol, mournful, holy,
Chanted loudly, chanted lowly,
Till her blood was frozen slowly,
And her eyes were darkened wholly,
Turned to towered Camelot.
For ere she reached upon the tide  150
The first house by the water-side,
Singing in her song she died,
The Lady of Shalott.

Under tower and balcony,
By garden-wall and gallery,
A gleaming shape she floated by,
Dead-pale between the houses high,
Silent into Camelot.
Out upon the wharfs they came,
Knight and burgher, lord and dame,
And round the prow they read her name,
The Lady of Shalott.

Who is this? and what is here?
And in the lighted palace near
Died the sound of royal cheer;
And they crossed themselves for fear,
All the knights at Camelot:
But Lancelot mused a little space;
He said, “She has a lovely face;
God in his mercy lend her grace,
The Lady of Shalott.”

From A Great and Terrible Beauty by Libba Bray:

In reference to the Lady of Shalott- “I think that the lady dies not because she leaves the tower for the outside world, but because she lets herself float through that world, pulled by the current after a dream.”

Mull over these words as I do as well. For I find that I can relate with this great lady of Shalott.

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Posted by on June 8, 2012 in Uncategorized


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So another school year is currently closing. I turned in my MA thesis on Friday. All I have left is a batch of essays to grade by Tuesday and then Tuesday I receive Finals to grade. And then my semester will be over. My school year will be over. My MA degree will be complete.

I find that once again I am headed to the unknown. It isn’t something that is uncommon for me. This will be my 14th move… or 15th if you count that one time my family just moved to a new house in the same town.

I’m excited for the change. I’m in need of it. I don’t know what it is like not to change. The fact that I am about to go into a PhD program where I have to commit to being somewhere for 5 years scares me! (I’ve never lived anywhere longer than 3.5 years). But then again for much of that PhD program I will be in and out of the country.

I’m excited to once again be able to recreate myself from scratch. I’m going somewhere new where I know no one. No one will know I have OCD. No one will know that I am really shy. No one will know that I’m lonely.

I can be whoever I want to be.

I’ve always viewed change as a good thing. But I am realizing lately how really it hasn’t been good for me.

After I move somewhere there are very few people who I keep in contact with from my previous location. I mean yes we are Facebook friends. But really is a Facebook friend a “friend”?

As I am starting to pack up and getting ready to go… I’m realizing that there are very few people where I am at right now who I will probably end up saying good bye too. I have always found that the easiest way to leave somewhere is to just go. Tear of the band-aid. Saying Goodbye to people I know I will never see again…what is the point?

I let people go too easily.

To be honest though… I want stability in my life. And I can tell you right now that stability is not something I find in my family. Every time I get off the phone with a family member I wonder if I’ve done something wrong and someone will no longer speak to me.

I want to be wanted.

Just in terms of having friends. I always feel 2nd class to many of my friends. It is often because I am younger than most of the people in my cohort. So many view me as “naive,” but honestly I am not. I find that with many of my friends I’m like the little sister or even a pet.

Everyone loves me. Everyone wants to protect me. Everyone wants to play with me (in terms of making fun of me in a loving way, dying my hair, going to play on swing sets/ video games, random wrestling matches). Yet no one wants their little sister to come out partying with them. Or tell them their deepest secrets. I’m too fragile to hang out with them. I’m too pure and innocent to be able to handle what is in their lives (which is complete and utter crap).

I mean to be honest. I am the youngest of 4. So I do know how to be the younger sister and I am much younger than most of my friends, but still. For once, I want to be first to someone. Even just to a friend.

I know I lost many of the few friends that I did have this year, with my OCD melt down. I didn’t want anyone anywhere near me. I thought I was going crazy and I thought the more I distanced myself the less likely they would be hurt by me (one of my greatest OCD fears). But I was easily replaced. I was/am easily forgotten.

I have also never had a real romantic connection with anyone. As a lover of all Romantic movies this has always been a really depressing aspect of my life. I want to believe true love exists. I want to have it. But for some reason I can never obtain it. I can’t even get someone who isn’t a creeper to give me a second glance. I mean I am not gorgeous, but I am not ugly either. I believe I am a nice person and funny.

I’ve been in love with this one specific individual, for a very long time. I finally recently got the guts to let him know. I knew it wasn’t going to end well, but I just had to do it. So I did. But I shouldn’t have. Because it just makes me realize even more so that I always come in 2nd.

I want to be wanted. I want to feel wanted. I want to be in wanting.

But I’m never good enough. Maybe this go around when I move to my new location, I will create a new me who is good enough. I’ll be someone that someone will want.

Maybe I am just not deserving though…

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Posted by on May 6, 2012 in Uncategorized


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