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The Beauty and Love of the Forgotten

I am not completely sure of why this correlation is so… but I find that most things that are forgotten, whether they be people or things, are truly the most beautiful things in the world that are the most worthy of love.

I’ve traveled a lot in my 22 (soon to be 23!) years of life. I’ve lived across the country in various places from Hawaii, to the deep south, to New England, and now the mid west. I’ve lived in tiny towns where I’m related to everyone I meet and I’ve lived in cities where I know no one but my roommate.

But never in all of my travels have I seen such beauty… such love in the world… then when I am among things and people who have been forgotten by all except those immediately around them.

The places I’ve been within third world countries… the love and beauty I have seen… nothing can compare.

I had the opportunity to live in a small indigenous community in Mexico a few years back. They lived literally in the middle of the jungle.

The poverty of this community was such that I had never seen before. Even the poorest in the United States looked like Kings to these people. They had no money to buy excess of anything… their greatest financial splurge would be on a coke, which was more expensive than alcohol. Clothes were often wholly, torn, and dirty. People were sick and could receive no treatment, because they couldn’t afford it.

But these, who their surrounding society barely acknowledge, were the happiest people I have ever met in my life and experienced the most love between partners, family, and friends.

I worry a lot about how easily forgettable I am. Last year, I became a ghost and it seemed like no one’s life was affected by the fact that I was no longer there. As I said in a previous post… I’m a ghost no longer… but still… I worry that people would forget me if I didn’t remind them I was there. And what makes it worse… is that I don’t feel like that people in the middle of the jungle… I don’t feel beautiful.

I want to believe that inside I am a very beautiful person… maybe that is just a way to cope with my feeling of invisibility. I think it is because I correlate the beautiful (not necessarily physically but spiritually) with those who are worthy of love and have worth. Intellectually I know that I am worthy of love… but emotionally I have a hard time feeling it. Even when someone tells me that they care for me or that they love me…while intellectually I believe… there is always a small but loud part of me that refuses to believe it, because I am not beautiful.. I’m not worthy of love. I’m forgotten but not beautiful.

I wish this part of my brain would listen to logic. But it is very persistent and louder than the rest of my brain.

When I was hiking through a part of the jungle with some friends… we came across an area that use to be a part of the village, but it had been abandoned. There was this small house or perhaps it was a shed. It was forgotten by all except those who stumbled upon it.

I have no idea of the context of this building. Why it was built… what happened within it… why it was abandoned. But it was one of the most beautiful things that I have ever seen. In its broken- ness and falling apart it was beautiful. I can still picture it now. It was like it was giving itself completely to the surrounding jungle. It no longer cared for itself… but became a part of something bigger… something more beautiful.

In its broke-ness, it was beautiful. In its pain, it was beautiful.

I think this small structure that had been forgotten was one of the most worthy of things to be loved. For even though it was abandoned it gave itself to something bigger. The forgotten seem to be the most worthy of love, but yet hardly receive it, except by the rare gazer.

But if the structure could have feelings… was it happy? The people in the jungle were… because they felt love by their community.

If you are to be forgotten, should you be forgotten in order to become a part of something larger or should you only be forgotten after the quick experience of love, community, and friendship?

So should I continue to dedicate my life to something that is much bigger than me… and know that my impact is just going to be a small ripple in something bigger… or should I chase after my dreams of wanting to experience love?

It probably doesn’t have to be mutually exclusive… but I find myself currently on the extreme of both sides… I have the opportunity to grasp one or the other… which one should I reach for?

When I am on my death bed… will I be content with what my life was?

If I’m going to be forgotten either way… should I be forgotten in the fight to better humanity or after I’ve actually experienced life?

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Posted by on October 11, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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Interesting Boat

So… I’m not sure how to describe what it is that is happening, but I shall try.

Obviously… as the title suggests… I’m in an interesting boat…

My WHOLE immediate family was together this past weekend for the first time in almost 8 years. This includes my parents, oldest sister, her husband, three children; brother, his wife, and child; my other sister, and my mother’s grandparents.

I’m not sure how much I’ve written about the issues my family has… but well to catch you up my family is pretty messed up. Not in the “abusive situation” type of way but in the no one gets along, rift in the family, and some people actually have mental disorders way (lol including me… but I’m referring more to those in my family who refuse to acknowledge that they have a problem and refuse go to therapy)…

It was a pretty good weekend. All of us were only together for a few hours. We went out to lunch in a location half way between where my oldest sister lives and where my parents and grandparents live. My brother and his family and my other sister hung around for a lot of the weekend at home.

I thought it went really well.. well for my family at least.

Of course there were times when certain groups of us were together and we would complain about the missing people… is this normal in a family? I’m not sure lol.

But anyway one thing I’ve always known about my family is that I am the glue. Everyone likes me. Everyone has issues with everyone except me. If I was not here no one in my family would speak. I am the only person who doesn’t like me (a point my therapist pointed out to me a month or so ago lol). I make people calm down and see the side of the other person (of course this sometimes leads to arguments of me defending other family member but usually I’m a pretty good mediator).

But anyhow… this past weekend I was often in odd groups of my family, such as just my parents, just my middle sister, my middle sister, brother, and sister-in-law, or just my oldest sister… and  lots of complaining occurred.

My problem is is that when I’m with which ever group I completely and utterly see there side to the situation. As I said sometimes there are times when I make other people see the other side (such as when my brother was complaining about my mother I finally told him that my therapist thought that my mother most likely had borderline personality disorder… I hoped that by telling him he would understand her actions more so). But other times… I feel like a traitor to my various groups b/c I will just sit down and complain about the person right a long with them. Is this normal family behavior?

It is just that everyone in my family just trusts me SO much that I probably know more about the lives of everyone in our family than anyone else knows. It puts me in an interesting boat… and also makes me freak out in an obsessional way:

“Omg… should I have defended so-in-so??? Did I make their situation worse between them???”

“Should I have said BLANK to this person so that they would understand the situation better? Crap, did I miss my opportunity to fix my family?? But what if my saying that I put a whole in their trust?? Omg did I accidentally tell someone something that was supposed to be a secret???”

“What if I am not the glue??? But am actually the acetone disintegrating it?? What if it is all my fault that people don’t like other people in my family???? Am I subconsciously sabotaging my family??? I shouldn’t complain about anyone ever!!! I want everyone to love each other! Omg did what I just say totally ruin someone’s relationship with someone else???”

Seriously these thoughts go through my mind… and I really don’t know what to do about it… b/c honestly maybe the thoughts are right? I know… I’m letting the OCD win… but sometimes it can be so easy to believe…

Where is the line between being the glue and the acetone?

 
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Posted by on July 3, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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Excuses Excuses

LOL so I hate Excuses, but I really do have legit ones for why I haven’t posted in a while! First off please forgive me for not posting! The reason I haven’t been is because I finished my MA paper, had to grade a TON of tests and essays, had to graduate with my MA, had to pack and move from one side of the country to the middle of the country (for my PhD program) and then go back home (which is a very very long journey from my PhD program). Now I’m about to travel to visit my sister on the completely opposite side of the country. And I also got a maltipoo as a graduation present! She is only 4 months old so I’ve been trying to train her. She is a HUGE ball of energy.. I don’t know how such a tiny thing can have so much energy… so I’ve been chasing her around.

I was all for being a hobo this summer before I started my PhD program, but really I just want to curl up with this book I’m reading and relax.

While I do have much to report, I really don’t have too much time. I need to go to bed b/c I have to get up in 4 hours to catch a flight… and the lack of sleep really doesn’t help the OCD….

But I’m current rereading A Great and Terrible Beauty by Libba Bray and there are a couple of lines that really spoke to me and I wish to share as an ending. I hope all of you are having a wonderful evening and I promise to post more regularly soon!

“Yes, I am, as you put it, quite all right.” I could laugh, its such a lie– I am most certainly not all right. But it works as I know it will. That’s what living in their world is- a big lie. An illusion where everyone looks the other way and pretends that nothing unpleasant exists at all, no goblins in the dark, no ghosts of the soul.”

“My heart is a tight fist in my chest while my lips form words I don’t feel.”

“When the music is over, she keeps her head down till she finds her seat again, and I wonder how many times each day she dies a little.”

In reference to the Lady of Shalott- “I think that the lady dies not because she leaves the tower for the outside world, but because she lets herself float through that world, pulled by the current after a dream.”

 
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Posted by on May 29, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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