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Monthly Archives: September 2013

Change

Never in my life have I ever changed so much and so drastically in two years… it makes me wonder whether I have actually changed..

Two years ago… my world fell apart… it feels like two years ago was so long ago and yet just yesterday…

but if I am completely honest my world had fallen apart long ago… I just refused to acknowledge it… I’ve been badly plagued with OCD since the summer of 2008… it came and went… and I had a wonderful school year Fall 2010-Spring 2011… but that false sense of happiness fell apart so quickly that summer.

But still just thinking about the past two years… This time two years ago I could barely get out of my bed in fear that I would somehow ending up unintentionally hurting someone.. I was terrified of the world and myself… once the meds started working things got much better… but when I moved to my current city a year ago… I wrote down a list of “wishes” that I had. They are as follows:

  • I wish I was beautiful inside and out.
  • I wish I was loved.
  • I wish that I didn’t want to be invisible.
  • I wish I could make a difference.
  • I wish I could stop hating myself.
  • I wish I could let go.
  • I wish I knew what I wanted.
  • I wish I could love.
  • I wish I understood myself better.
  • I wish I didn’t feel like I failed God.
  • I wish I could feel Jesus’ presence.
  • I wish I could stop mourning over myself.

I really haven’t thought much of these wishes… but its mostly because I’ve been distracted this whole year. Between a PhD program I was hating, someone that I loved who refused to even try to love me, and other guy issues… I forgot my problems.

So because I forgot my problems… did that make them go away? or are they still there? Do I still wish for all of those things? Do I still need to wish for all of those things?

Honestly… I don’t know…

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Posted by on September 29, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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Last week…

So last week was Fred and I’s anniversary… On September 4, 2012 he started talking to me…

For my few friends who read this you may or may not be surprised at the fact that I let Fred see me again a few days before our anniversary and the day after (I know so stupid!! you don’t have to yell at me! I’m yelling at myself!).

There is no explanation of why I allowed him to see me. I knew one thing would lead to another as always… I mean that is the only reason that he came to see me. But my indescribable draw towards him allowed him back in… just for two nights…

While the time I have with him is always so happy, the moment he leaves me I’m left with less of myself than before… so incredibly sad and broken.

But this ‘boy’ has taken up a year of my life… I won’t let him have anymore of it. I refuse. I’m done. The tiny bit of happiness he gives me isn’t worth the pain that he also gives me. I’m tired of hurting. I’m tired of not being whole.

I’m stronger now than I use to be and I won’t let him back in. The master manipulator is gone forever from my life.

It is wrong that someone like him can have such power over my life. He held my heart in his hands and he did not treat it as precious… in fact he destroyed it.

But hearts, they are supposed to resilient, aren’t they? I won’t let him have power over me any more. I will take the remains of my heart back and what will come out of it will be more beautiful than it was before.

 
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Posted by on September 9, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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