Never in my life have I ever changed so much and so drastically in two years… it makes me wonder whether I have actually changed..
Two years ago… my world fell apart… it feels like two years ago was so long ago and yet just yesterday…
but if I am completely honest my world had fallen apart long ago… I just refused to acknowledge it… I’ve been badly plagued with OCD since the summer of 2008… it came and went… and I had a wonderful school year Fall 2010-Spring 2011… but that false sense of happiness fell apart so quickly that summer.
But still just thinking about the past two years… This time two years ago I could barely get out of my bed in fear that I would somehow ending up unintentionally hurting someone.. I was terrified of the world and myself… once the meds started working things got much better… but when I moved to my current city a year ago… I wrote down a list of “wishes” that I had. They are as follows:
- I wish I was beautiful inside and out.
- I wish I was loved.
- I wish that I didn’t want to be invisible.
- I wish I could make a difference.
- I wish I could stop hating myself.
- I wish I could let go.
- I wish I knew what I wanted.
- I wish I could love.
- I wish I understood myself better.
- I wish I didn’t feel like I failed God.
- I wish I could feel Jesus’ presence.
- I wish I could stop mourning over myself.
I really haven’t thought much of these wishes… but its mostly because I’ve been distracted this whole year. Between a PhD program I was hating, someone that I loved who refused to even try to love me, and other guy issues… I forgot my problems.
So because I forgot my problems… did that make them go away? or are they still there? Do I still wish for all of those things? Do I still need to wish for all of those things?
Honestly… I don’t know…