New Years

So every year I make New Years resolutions… and do I ever carry them out? I’m going to say 99% of the time no… but let us review my resolutions that I posted last January and see if I actually carried anything out.

(1) Except on the Friday before my Thesis is due, I am not allowed to do ANY school work on this day (except the classes I will be in this day, so basically no school work in the evening).

(2) Use this Friday freedom to have FUN. Not sitting around watching sappy love stories or Say Yes to the Dress. Like real fun. With REAL PEOPLE (who are not my roommate and cats).

(3) Stop believing that I am going to fail. And telling all my friends I am going to fail prior to any assignment being due. This not only annoys them but also annoys myself. I know it all has to do with me being a perfectionist, which is related to my OCD which tells me that if I don’t do perfect my parents will no longer love me, I will be kicked out of my home, and I will fail at life. In order to be a perfectionist I have to be in a perfect state of panic which is why I call/text all my friends that “I am going to fail.” THIS NEEDS TO STOP.

(4) Have a life outside of academia…possible bf? (HAH! Not sure if this can happen)

(5) Learn to cry. I don’t really cry. Except when I am freaking out about OCD things. So prior to this semester I probably cried once a year max (usually when my mom yelled at me). I have such a shield around myself that I don’t allow any emotion in (besides that of panic and terror). I need to learn to feel emotion again. Even if it is just the ability to cry at a sad movie on TV.

(6) (a) If I get into a PhD program with money… to give it my all but not lose myself.

(6)(b) If I don’t get into a PhD program with money (which is very possible, especially in terms of the WITH money), don’t lose myself. Find a job. That pays. DONT MOVE BACK HOME. Figure out what I really want to do in my life. Find out about volunteering with the OCD Foundation.

(7) Loose ONE Pant size! I just want to be a size 6 again… I miss those days SOO much. But do this by eating healthy and exercising. Right now I’m loosing weight b/c my prozac has made me lose my appetite… which is actually bad b/c now I have extremely low blood pressure and don’t get enough protein etc. So I need to somehow balance actually eating with healthy weight lose.

(8) Get 8 hours of sleep MOST nights. And sleep in on Saturdays (till nine am).

Ok Let us see…
(1) I did so so on this one… mostly b/c I had no will power so I didn’t do homework on fridays… but this semester I was guilty of doing most of my grading on Friday nights… that isn’t homework… so does that count?

(2) Yea I failed terribly at this one… I’m really bad about having fun… isn’t that sad?

(3) yea… no… I’m always going to fail… I’m failing life…

(4) this actually happened… things didn’t happen the way I wanted them too and my life outside of academia wasn’t all that life like but it was really great for my first time at having a life I think

(5) Yea… I cried a lot this semester… I still need to work on my ‘vulnerability’ but… I had more waterworks this semester then my whole life lol

(6) Got into a PhD program with money… but didn’t give it my all… though I did end up with all As this semester… but I know I could have done better on a lot of different points

(7) Ha! I wish

(8)… Hahahaha… another I wish…

Well all in all… at least I did kinda accomplish some of my new years resolutions.

I’m now going to try to create more resolutions for this year that are actually attainable… and I’m going to do it in terms of semester since that is how my brain works…. so the following are New Years Resolution for the Spring 2013 Semester

(1) Don’t worry about loosing weight… but seriously exercise… AT LEAST two times a week… Yes I do exercise in everyday life in the fact that I don’t have a car and I walk everywhere… but I need to hit the gym… it is good for the heart/body/soul/etc

(2) Figure out what I want to do with my life. Do I want to continue pursuing my PhD or does God have another calling for me?

(3) Do not compromise other important aspects of life for academia… this I believe will be the hardest. My OCD makes me feel like if I don’t put 100% of my time into my studies that I will fail life… but this isn’t healthy. So this semester I’m going to go to church EVERY sunday (unless you know I’m sick or something), work out twice a week, have one night a week that I have to be social, and carve out a time to have a hobby. Yes I’m taking more classes this semester than I was last semester… but it is the load I should be taking… and you know what if I can’t handle it and life then obviously I shouldn’t be in the program I am in. I can’t compromise my well being for academia… I think that is one of the things that pushed my OCD off the deep end last year… I compromised my mental well being for academia… I’m not going to do that again

(4) Learn how to accept compliments… I have a serious issue with this.

(5) Learn how to be less controlling… again… I have serious issues with this… I need to learn to accept people for the amazing people that they are and not try to dictate how they behave b/c I think it is what is best. My way is def not the best way.

(6) And last, but certainly not least… actually the most important… work on my relationship with God. He is who I should turn too for my loneliness, sadness, heartache and no one else… He will always provide for me, whether it be through gaining a significant other or just being at complete peace with myself, if I give Him my love in return.

Ok… so let us see how these 6 resolutions start for my new year… My “New Year” will officially start January 8th since that is when my life starts to become mine again and not dictated by my family whom I live with during Winter Break (Yea… I wanted to cut this break much shorter, but due to family obligations I couldn’t).

Maybe this year will be better than last… you know what… positivism… I need more of that in my life… so instead of maybe– This year WILL be better than last year.

I hope all of you have had Happy Holidays!