A Hero in the Twilight

When I was younger, I always felt that I was destined for greatness. I wasn’t sure how it would play out. I didn’t really have a “hero” per se growing up… but I think my future self, who I knew I would somehow end up being, was my hero…she was the person I aspired to be… but I had no idea how I would get there. Plagued with OCD for much of life and just the general way I was brought up, my life was limited to say the least… but still I aspired to be a great woman making a difference in the world… someone who was truly special inside and out… someone who stories would be written about and other girls would look up to…

When my OCD hit hard in undergrad and then again during my MA that aspiration was wiped out of my mind. Secretly I hoped that I was still someone worthwhile… someone special… but I didn’t believe it beyond a tiny hope…

Now that I can see beyond the OCD… now that I am beyond the OCD… I don’t understand why I am not the woman I wanted to be. I want to be a woman constantly pouring and radiating out love and light… but I don’t know how nor if I can… I’ve seen my share of darkness and I don’t want any part of it… but as I try to live in the light the dark is always there in the back of my mind twirling unwanted thoughts around and attempting to make me fearful of life… I don’t want to live in fear of myself anymore… although my OCD is practically gone… I fear the OCD… I fear that monster returning… I fear that darkness will take over not allowing me to live any life…

So its like right now I’m in the twilight… either its about to be dawn or dusk… and with all my heart I just want it to be the dawn… but I fear that it will be the dusk… so I keep running staying in the twilight so that I don’t have to find out if the sun is rising or setting… so I don’t have to take the risk… but if I loose the gamble, I could loose everything…

I lost myself once before to the darkness of OCD… I honestly could not loose myself again… because I fear that I would never return from the dark…

I live in fear of the bad… I live in fear of the obsessions…I live in fear of the fear….

But I also live in fear of the good… fear that my run in the day will bring the night crashing down around me like it did once before… fear that the day won’t last… the light won’t last…

All I want is love… all I want is life… and every time I try to grasp for something it seems to fall away…

I feel lost… I don’t know who I am right now… I don’t even know who I wish to be… I don’t remember that hero… or maybe I do… but the aspects of her that I most remember require me to not fear and I don’t know how to do that yet.

I lived in fear for so long that I honestly can’t answer what would I do with my life if I didn’t live in fear? I don’t remember my passions anymore… I let them slip away because I didn’t want to allow myself to want for anything I knew I couldn’t have…

So maybe that is what I need to focus on… if I was completely OCD free and I lived with no fears… what would I be?

… I honestly have no idea…

Maybe I should just try to make myself feel content to live in the Twilight… but the problem is that I know I was  made for the day by a loving God. He made the day for ME. I know its where I belong… but I’m too terrified of falling into the night…

My Lord and God, do not abandon me; remember my need, for many evil thoughts and horrid fears trouble my mind and terrify my soul. How shall I pass through them unhurt? How shall I break their power over me? You have said, ‘I will go before you. I will open the gates of prison.’ Do, O Lord, as you have said, and let YOur coming put to flight all wicked thoughts.”

– The Imitation of Christ