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Free Time

So now that I’m a real person (you know someone with a real paying job… even if it isn’t that much money lol)… I find that beyond 9 to 5pm Monday through Friday… I have absolutely NOTHING to do… I’m not sure what to do with myself…

I love reading and watching movies… but I find that they don’t have the same allure as they did when I was procrastinating.. when I was in school reading or watching a movie was like a tiny rebellion in me… “No! I refuse to do school work!! So I’m gonna sit on the couch and watch this movie/read this book… and feel guilty but also rebellious about my life!!!! I’m my own person! I can choose not to do school work!” ….but now that that isn’t a part of me… yea I still want to read/watch movies… but it seems to have lost a tiny bit of its spark… is that weird? lol

And when it comes to video games… man I could never feel ok about doing that in academia… I felt like an absolutely horrible person for even thinking about playing a video game… because one can get so engrossed in the story line/ need to beat the bad guy in Donkey Kong that you forget what time it is and what you are supposed to be doing… and a WHOLE DAY goes by when you realize you’ve done no school work… I know I can play now… but a part of me still feels really really guilty doing so… and it actually isn’t a rebellious feeling… but a “I’m wasting my life feeling” that I forced myself to have so that I wouldn’t play during the school year… and I can’t get that feeling to go away! Its so annoying!!

So at the end of the day… I don’t want to read/watch movies/ play video games… so what does that leave me open for? Having friends…

I have a serious lack of friends in Chicago… I don’t lack friends in the emotional sense at all… in fact I’m pretty sure I have too many lol… but geographically the only friend I have is my roommate and a girl from bible study who I will call Marisa.

As I think I mentioned elsewhere… I blame most of this on Fred… he kept me away from having friends, and I always had to be free for him if he all of a sudden decided he had time for me in his life… Once I finally got rid of Fred, I was finally able to make closer friends with the individuals in my cohort… but now that it is summer they are all off doing their fieldwork or visiting family/friends… so they’ve basically left me a lone in Chicago… and then I made fantastic friends with the Ex… but of course talking is at a bare minimum with him right now.

I was hoping now that I had more time I would be able to get more fully involved with bible study… but guess what? yes they seem to have decided to go on a summer break… 😦

But the moment I think “Whoa is me I lack friends…” I have a friend from the past remind me how awesome they are and what a great relationship we have. For example over the past two weeks I have had friends from WAY out of town come visit. One of those friends was the friend I call Courtney (who I’ve mentioned in a past post) who was my undergraduate roommate and the other was a fantastic friend (who we will call Rose)  that I met during the worst summer of my life (yea… the OCD going severe summer 2011).

I can’t express to you how much I needed to see my Courtney. She has been going through such a tough time and it has been weighing heavily on my heart. She is just as how I remembered her. There is no one in this world who could ever come close to the amazingness that is Courtney. She is such a strong woman and still yet her vivacious, bubbly, optimistic self. She stayed with me for several days and it was so easy to fall back into our usual talking routine… which is basically talking nonstop lol.

And then Rose came to visit, for a very brief day… but I was so happy to see her. I wouldn’t have survived that summer in Mexico if it wasn’t for her. She is the one who listened to all my freaking-outs and gave me all the reassurance that I needed (although I KNOW I annoyed the crap out of her… I can never mention batteries or cement to her again… two things I was deathly afraid of hahahahahha). Since she was a part of my academic life… it did make me rethink my life choice that I made… but yet it also oddly reaffirmed my decision… Rose is a very down to earth, tells it like it is, normal person, so it was great to know that I could still hang out with her and have fun beyond all my obsessive worries that took over summer 2011.

But still… here I am… geographically alone… with no one to hang out with.

Yesterday after writing my last post though I made a decision. I was going to once again put God at the center of my life, for He is the one I should be relying on to help me through this geographically friendless time. I also realized that my relationship with him seems to have slipped from where it was at. At the climax of the whole Fred thing, I was closer to God than I have ever been. He answered my prayers by sending the Ex and Marissa into my life. I got comfortable though… because I wasn’t having a major crisis in my life anymore… I stopped focusing on that relationship… things didn’t exactly fall apart because of that… but they didn’t go as amazingly as I know they could have gone (except the whole getting a job so quickly) if I had continued to focus on God.

So I made this decision yesterday… and guess what… a prayer has already been answered… guess whose small bible group decided to no longer take a summer break? I know! I’m super excited and its obviously an answered prayer.

But with all this free time… I need to focus on not becoming comfortable and continue striving in my relationship with God. Because if I have learned anything about relationships from the past year its that one person (in this case God) can’t pursue the other individual… they have to pursue each other… my role isn’t idle but very much active.

So I am hopping once I get my relationship with God back on track He will provide me with other avenues to make more relationships (of the friend variety for now… I need a break from guys lol).

Well at least I have a game plan for this Free Time… and I can only see good things coming from it if I keep at it! 🙂

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Posted by on June 4, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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Y’all I have issues…

So originally, I was going to post this really happy post about how wonderful life is… because it really is… life is amazing… well maybe amazing is a little to strong… but I seem to be more happy than sad which is good!

But then I had a realization today about myself… and while I’ll try to post something happy next time (b/c this blog is really lacking in happiness)… right now I need to post this… horrible realization that I have had… that is nonetheless absolutely hilarious…

Y’all… I’m a slut…

I fully admit…

I’m a slut…

a love slut…

No I’m not sleeping around… but I give my love away willingly to people with no care in the world!

Seriously?! What is wrong with me?! Am I a masochists?

There was Fred… who I would have followed any where in the world… and when I was FINALLY tired of being used and realized that he was totally an emotional abuser, I finally got rid of him… but that lasted how long? 4 1/2 month ish? The whole entire time I was saying “HERE IS MY HEART! TAKE IT!! I GIVE IT TO YOU!!!!”

I was so willing!! so wanting! And it wasn’t/isn’t that I want love in return… (well I do but..)… I just want someone to let me love them! What is wrong with that???

Yes I’m totally quoting Twilight here but one of the Chapter Titles from Jacob Black’s perspective is “What do I look Like? The Wizard of Oz? You Need a Brain? You Need a Heart? Go Ahead. Take Mine. Take Everything I Have.”

Its like I seriously want to be the wizard of oz. I just really want someone to take what I give them and be grateful for it.

And well… the reason I feel slutty… well this part isn’t as hilarious as above… but good and bad at all the same time… is that I’ve met someone wonderful… We’ve officially been together for 5 weeks… he appreciates me… he cherishes me… he takes good care of me… he is the biggest goofball and makes me constantly laugh… and he loves video games and playing them with me! He isn’t embarrassed of me and introduced me to his best friend who visited from out of town, and takes me to church with him… its been 5 weeks and we’ve yet to have a fight… he is so good to me…

but its only been 5 weeks… and what do we find? I find that I think I’m falling in love with him…

You think that would be good… but I thought I was in love with Fred 2 months ago… I would have married him the second he had asked me (well before he pretended to attempt suicide and failed and then got angry at me for contacting his parents b/c I thought he was unconscious in a hospital somewhere… seriously this kid needs to go on Jerry Springer…)…

is it just b/c I am a love slut? is it just b/c I want to give my love so badly to someone else that I find that I’m falling “in love” with this amazing new guy?

I love that he and I are taking things slow… but I’m freaking out b/c I haven’t heard from him at all today (and I only heard from him very briefly over the past two days… like not real conversations)… and I’m freaking out that he is mad at me… for some unknown reasons (well actually I have kinda of a reason but I’m too embarrassed to post it… but lets just say it has to do with personal limits and me telling him that I’m ready to go beyond those personal limits and him turning me down… and now i feel like he thinks I’m a legit slut…) and that he will do what Fred did and stop talking to me because he was upset with me and not tell me why…

But in reality… I’m sure he is just insanely busy with work stuff and is stressed and not thinking about me… because I should be confident in what we have?

but… um… hello!!!! I’m the least confident person in the world!!!!!

and so really… this could be all about nothing… but I’m sitting here trying to come up with all the logical things of why he could be mad at me and how to bring up this conversation in the first place… but really I just need to focus on the fact that he isn’t Fred and he wouldn’t do that to me…

and the sad thing is I’m 98% sure this isn’t OCD obsessing but just me obsessing about something that isn’t even real because in truth he is probably just busy…

but I just want him to let me love him… whats wrong with just asking how someone’s day was? Urg… I am OCD obsessing over being clingy… b/c Fred always told me that I was being clingy… and so I don’t want to be clingy to new boy… so I’ve only tried to communicate with him once today instead of sending multiple texts… but maybe new boy will think that I don’t like him b/c I am not worried that I haven’t heard from him???

And like the simple thing would be to just talk to him about it… but I’m afraid if I talk to him about fearing that he is angry at me b/c I haven’t heard from him (when it really is just all rooted in how I was treated by Fred) that he will think I’m clingy and dump me… so I don’t even want to talk about it with him…

Urg… why are relationships so hard!!!

Why won’t anyone just let me love them!!! I want to be a love slut to only one individual by golly!!! Why is that so hard!!!

***UPDATE*** Omg!!! It turns out he got his appendix taken out and that is why I haven’t heard from him!!! I feel so bad now thinking something was wrong with “us” when he was in the hospital!! Why did no one tell me?? I mean there are a lot of legit reasons like his phone had died and he doesn’t have my phone number memorized so couldn’t call me from the hospital when he realized what it was… or he left his phone at work b/c he was in such pain and didn’t think about brining his phone and again didn’t have my number memorized… he let me know the moment he got home though… thankfully his mom flew in and is here for him… I want to go to him… but he just had major surgery… I dont’ want to be in the way of his mom… especially in his tiny apartment… urg… boys and their lack of communication!!! Either way as soon as he is recovered we are having a talk about him contacting me if he goes to the hospital!

 
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Posted by on March 27, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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