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Finding my way back to my Hunter

I was thinking a lot today about why I haven’t written in so long. And why those things that I had written over the few months didn’t seem very substantial and were superficial at best.

I think a lot of it goes back to this post I wrote over the summer. I’m staying in the twilight… not pushing myself to move ahead or in a new direction because I feel safe in the twilight.

If I don’t try I don’t have to fear the failure. I don’t have to fear the darkness…

Back at the end of October and the beginning of November things were seeming bright. I felt like that God was pursuing me the way a hunter pursues his prey… slowly coming closer and closer… the twilight was brightening and dawn was coming upon me… and then just when I was getting ready to fully step into the light… fully allowing my self to be enveloped by my Hunter… a twig breaks… and I go running back into my twilight… away from the light… away from God.

And the sad thing is… it wasn’t anything big or monumental that made me run away. In fact its rather silly… I broke my foot. But all that energy that I was using to customize my body to the light suddenly went to the healing of my foot and just trying to get by in life. While I was going to church and bible study regularly… I haven’t gone since I broke my foot.

I wish I didn’t fear leaving the twilight. When I am in the Twilight I can ignore things that make me feel uncomfortable. When I am in the twilight I can pretend that everything is all right. When I am in the twilight I don’t pray as a I should, because it allows me to ignore those things I should be thanking God for, asking God for, and worshiping God for… because in the twilight I know He knows Im in the twilight… and I know He will always love me… even there…

I am just so terrified that if I try to move out of the twilight, I will find myself in the night compared to the day…. But I was reaching the day before the twig snapped… so shouldn’t I easily want to go back to where I was? Allow my Hunter to find me and keep me forever?

Why do I find it so hard? Bible study is tomorrow night… perhaps with taking a baby step and just going… I’ll once again find myself in extremely close proximity with my Hunter and I won’t let a twig scare me away.

I can’t let my fear of the dark keep me away from the light.

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Posted by on December 17, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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Ruminations….

There are several topics on my mind tonight…topics that I would love responses too.

(1) What exactly is forgiveness? I watched the Courages tonight with my mother. It was a good Christian movie with many good story lines. A difficulty though I was having with the movie was how often the word “forgive” was thrown out there. “I forgive you.” Three such powerful words… that people just seem to throw out there without really knowing what the meaning is… thinking about it… I don’t think I really know what the meaning is either.

According to my dictionary on my computer: to forgive means to stop feeling angry or resentful toward someone for an offense, flaw, or mistake.

So if I say “I forgive my mother for not caring for me in a way a mother should when I was younger.”

Ok… so I’m not angry… It is the past… I’ve let it go… I’m not resentful… this is the way life is now, so I must move on. But does this mean I have to trust my mother? Is trust tied to forgiveness? I love my mother… but does forgiveness mean I have to like her?

If I have truly forgiven someone (like my mother)… what does it all entail? I’m not angry or resentful.. but does that mean that I have to try to forge a meaningful relationship with my mother (which I actually have but sometimes its harder to forge it than others)? Am I not allowed to give up?

If a husband and wife divorce one another… and it was for pretty mutual reasons… and they forgive one another for it not working out…. are they allowed to just step out of each other’s lives? Are they allowed to stop caring? Or does forgiveness entail continuous work and continuously caring for that person you have forgiven? Is perhaps forgiveness a climax of a story? and the resolution and conclusion still have to come after it? Or is forgiveness the end? Or more so… perhaps forgiveness is the beginning of a story… such as when one is “born again” in Christian terms… you are forgiven and your life starts anew from then.

Does that make sense? I’m just confused… I guess I really just don’t understand the concept of forgiveness.

God has forgiven us of our sins because His Son died for us. He continues on a relationship with us. But does he trust us again in terms of not making the same mistake twice? What all does forgiveness entail? Does He care for us in the exact same way He cared for us before the sin?

Forgiveness does not mean forgetfulness.

I’ve not delved at all into the literature of the Bible in terms of this question… so I really don’t know… which brings me to my second point tonight…

(2) I honesty don’t know when the last time I prayed was.

This is bad… it has gotten to the point… that to be honest… I ask someone else to pray for our meals, so that I don’t have too…

I’m not completely sure why…

I guess it has to do with “Why God are you putting me through this (in terms of my OCD)?”

I realize I’m being like a spoiled little kid “You haven’t answered my prayers, so I’m going to give you the silent treatment.” –really though this only hurts me.

I mean… don’t get me wrong… I’m doing TONS better OCD wise… but what if that is just a mask? What if “having OCD” is a mask? What if the moment that I open up the Bible I’m struck down with what a horrible person I am. As I mentioned elsewhere… it really isn’t an obsessional thought… but more of an underlying haunting idea… or perhaps that is just a different type of obsessional thought?

So really… I think it’s an OCD compulsion of avoidance…

or maybe I’m just making excuses…

I don’t know.

My worst obsessional thought is that I’m not a good person. That I am in fact evil. By avoiding reading my Bible and praying… I don’t really have to think about good vs evil… I just have to think about getting through each day… being responsible for my actions… and only doing things that are morally right.

Whether it is an OCD compulsion or not… it would be a lie to say that I’m not avoiding God. B/c I am. There is no doubt. I don’t want too. I just don’t know how to stop…

And now I’m freaking out that I’ve said something blasphemous and that God will never forgive me. Urg.

How I wish God would speak to me in a way that I could truly without a doubt understand.

I need His comfort.

But if He has forgiven me (for my stupid OCD thoughts)… exactly what does that mean?

I really just need to open up my Bible and read…

my Bible is sitting right next to me… but I have yet to do so…

 
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Posted by on July 5, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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