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Y’all I have issues…

So originally, I was going to post this really happy post about how wonderful life is… because it really is… life is amazing… well maybe amazing is a little to strong… but I seem to be more happy than sad which is good!

But then I had a realization today about myself… and while I’ll try to post something happy next time (b/c this blog is really lacking in happiness)… right now I need to post this… horrible realization that I have had… that is nonetheless absolutely hilarious…

Y’all… I’m a slut…

I fully admit…

I’m a slut…

a love slut…

No I’m not sleeping around… but I give my love away willingly to people with no care in the world!

Seriously?! What is wrong with me?! Am I a masochists?

There was Fred… who I would have followed any where in the world… and when I was FINALLY tired of being used and realized that he was totally an emotional abuser, I finally got rid of him… but that lasted how long? 4 1/2 month ish? The whole entire time I was saying “HERE IS MY HEART! TAKE IT!! I GIVE IT TO YOU!!!!”

I was so willing!! so wanting! And it wasn’t/isn’t that I want love in return… (well I do but..)… I just want someone to let me love them! What is wrong with that???

Yes I’m totally quoting Twilight here but one of the Chapter Titles from Jacob Black’s perspective is “What do I look Like? The Wizard of Oz? You Need a Brain? You Need a Heart? Go Ahead. Take Mine. Take Everything I Have.”

Its like I seriously want to be the wizard of oz. I just really want someone to take what I give them and be grateful for it.

And well… the reason I feel slutty… well this part isn’t as hilarious as above… but good and bad at all the same time… is that I’ve met someone wonderful… We’ve officially been together for 5 weeks… he appreciates me… he cherishes me… he takes good care of me… he is the biggest goofball and makes me constantly laugh… and he loves video games and playing them with me! He isn’t embarrassed of me and introduced me to his best friend who visited from out of town, and takes me to church with him… its been 5 weeks and we’ve yet to have a fight… he is so good to me…

but its only been 5 weeks… and what do we find? I find that I think I’m falling in love with him…

You think that would be good… but I thought I was in love with Fred 2 months ago… I would have married him the second he had asked me (well before he pretended to attempt suicide and failed and then got angry at me for contacting his parents b/c I thought he was unconscious in a hospital somewhere… seriously this kid needs to go on Jerry Springer…)…

is it just b/c I am a love slut? is it just b/c I want to give my love so badly to someone else that I find that I’m falling “in love” with this amazing new guy?

I love that he and I are taking things slow… but I’m freaking out b/c I haven’t heard from him at all today (and I only heard from him very briefly over the past two days… like not real conversations)… and I’m freaking out that he is mad at me… for some unknown reasons (well actually I have kinda of a reason but I’m too embarrassed to post it… but lets just say it has to do with personal limits and me telling him that I’m ready to go beyond those personal limits and him turning me down… and now i feel like he thinks I’m a legit slut…) and that he will do what Fred did and stop talking to me because he was upset with me and not tell me why…

But in reality… I’m sure he is just insanely busy with work stuff and is stressed and not thinking about me… because I should be confident in what we have?

but… um… hello!!!! I’m the least confident person in the world!!!!!

and so really… this could be all about nothing… but I’m sitting here trying to come up with all the logical things of why he could be mad at me and how to bring up this conversation in the first place… but really I just need to focus on the fact that he isn’t Fred and he wouldn’t do that to me…

and the sad thing is I’m 98% sure this isn’t OCD obsessing but just me obsessing about something that isn’t even real because in truth he is probably just busy…

but I just want him to let me love him… whats wrong with just asking how someone’s day was? Urg… I am OCD obsessing over being clingy… b/c Fred always told me that I was being clingy… and so I don’t want to be clingy to new boy… so I’ve only tried to communicate with him once today instead of sending multiple texts… but maybe new boy will think that I don’t like him b/c I am not worried that I haven’t heard from him???

And like the simple thing would be to just talk to him about it… but I’m afraid if I talk to him about fearing that he is angry at me b/c I haven’t heard from him (when it really is just all rooted in how I was treated by Fred) that he will think I’m clingy and dump me… so I don’t even want to talk about it with him…

Urg… why are relationships so hard!!!

Why won’t anyone just let me love them!!! I want to be a love slut to only one individual by golly!!! Why is that so hard!!!

***UPDATE*** Omg!!! It turns out he got his appendix taken out and that is why I haven’t heard from him!!! I feel so bad now thinking something was wrong with “us” when he was in the hospital!! Why did no one tell me?? I mean there are a lot of legit reasons like his phone had died and he doesn’t have my phone number memorized so couldn’t call me from the hospital when he realized what it was… or he left his phone at work b/c he was in such pain and didn’t think about brining his phone and again didn’t have my number memorized… he let me know the moment he got home though… thankfully his mom flew in and is here for him… I want to go to him… but he just had major surgery… I dont’ want to be in the way of his mom… especially in his tiny apartment… urg… boys and their lack of communication!!! Either way as soon as he is recovered we are having a talk about him contacting me if he goes to the hospital!

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Posted by on March 27, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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