Someone told me something yesterday that I didn’t think I would ever hear said about me.
“You have such a hard exterior shell. I’m glad you are finally opening it up to me.”
Never in a million years did I ever think that was true. I’m quiet and reserved yes, but once you get to know me I am extremely friendly and talkative… I lived with this particular person in the middle of no where in Mexico for three months last summer and have been good friends with them since then. I don’t understand how I could seem to have had an exterior shell that whole time.
But anyway.. I didn’t realize that that statement was going to be a foreshadowing.
My heart is broken. I knew it was going to break… I mean it kinda already was. I was prepared for it. Yes I did hold a small bit of hope, but I was prepared for what I was getting myself into. What I was not prepared for was the betrayal that I feel like I have gotten from a friend about the whole situation in which I knew I was getting my heart broken in.
I’m hurt. I’m sad. I feel unloved. I am so upset. I’m all these emotions at one time. But the thing is… I have a thesis due in 5 days. I don’t have time for this. I’m officially shutting down my emotions.
That exterior shell is now becoming the inner me, because I don’t want any part of these emotions anymore. They’ve gotten in the way of my academic dreams, but I won’t let them anymore. I’m not good enough nor will I ever be. So I’ll get rid of those feelings that make me feel that way and not feel them.
Just give me a moral compass. That is all I need. Nothing more.
I envy the Tin Man and his heartlessness. My heart has been wasted and is of no further use.
Dear Tin Man,
You can have my heart, because I don’t want it anymore.
Love, An empty shell