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Ruminations….

There are several topics on my mind tonight…topics that I would love responses too.

(1) What exactly is forgiveness? I watched the Courages¬†tonight with my mother. It was a good Christian movie with many good story lines. A difficulty though I was having with the movie was how often the word “forgive” was thrown out there. “I forgive you.” Three such powerful words… that people just seem to throw out there without really knowing what the meaning is… thinking about it… I don’t think I really know what the meaning is either.

According to my dictionary on my computer: to forgive means to stop feeling angry or resentful toward someone for an offense, flaw, or mistake.

So if I say “I forgive my mother for not caring for me in a way a mother should when I was younger.”

Ok… so I’m not angry… It is the past… I’ve let it go… I’m not resentful… this is the way life is now, so I must move on. But does this mean I have to trust my mother? Is trust tied to forgiveness? I love my mother… but does forgiveness mean I have to like her?

If I have truly forgiven someone (like my mother)… what does it all entail? I’m not angry or resentful.. but does that mean that I have to try to forge a meaningful relationship with my mother (which I actually have but sometimes its harder to forge it than others)? Am I not allowed to give up?

If a husband and wife divorce one another… and it was for pretty mutual reasons… and they forgive one another for it not working out…. are they allowed to just step out of each other’s lives? Are they allowed to stop caring? Or does forgiveness entail continuous work and continuously caring for that person you have forgiven? Is perhaps forgiveness a climax of a story? and the resolution and conclusion still have to come after it? Or is forgiveness the end? Or more so… perhaps forgiveness is the beginning of a story… such as when one is “born again” in Christian terms… you are forgiven and your life starts anew from then.

Does that make sense? I’m just confused… I guess I really just don’t understand the concept of forgiveness.

God has forgiven us of our sins because His Son died for us. He continues on a relationship with us. But does he trust us again in terms of not making the same mistake twice? What all does forgiveness entail? Does He care for us in the exact same way He cared for us before the sin?

Forgiveness does not mean forgetfulness.

I’ve not delved at all into the literature of the Bible in terms of this question… so I really don’t know… which brings me to my second point tonight…

(2) I honesty don’t know when the last time I prayed was.

This is bad… it has gotten to the point… that to be honest… I ask someone else to pray for our meals, so that I don’t have too…

I’m not completely sure why…

I guess it has to do with “Why God are you putting me through this (in terms of my OCD)?”

I realize I’m being like a spoiled little kid “You haven’t answered my prayers, so I’m going to give you the silent treatment.” –really though this only hurts me.

I mean… don’t get me wrong… I’m doing TONS better OCD wise… but what if that is just a mask? What if “having OCD” is a mask? What if the moment that I open up the Bible I’m struck down with what a horrible person I am. As I mentioned elsewhere… it really isn’t an obsessional thought… but more of an underlying haunting idea… or perhaps that is just a different type of obsessional thought?

So really… I think it’s an OCD compulsion of avoidance…

or maybe I’m just making excuses…

I don’t know.

My worst obsessional thought is that I’m not a good person. That I am in fact evil. By avoiding reading my Bible and praying… I don’t really have to think about good vs evil… I just have to think about getting through each day… being responsible for my actions… and only doing things that are morally right.

Whether it is an OCD compulsion or not… it would be a lie to say that I’m not avoiding God. B/c I am. There is no doubt. I don’t want too. I just don’t know how to stop…

And now I’m freaking out that I’ve said something blasphemous and that God will never forgive me. Urg.

How I wish God would speak to me in a way that I could truly without a doubt understand.

I need His comfort.

But if He has forgiven me (for my stupid OCD thoughts)… exactly what does that mean?

I really just need to open up my Bible and read…

my Bible is sitting right next to me… but I have yet to do so…

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Posted by on July 5, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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Interesting Boat

So… I’m not sure how to describe what it is that is happening, but I shall try.

Obviously… as the title suggests… I’m in an interesting boat…

My WHOLE immediate family was together this past weekend for the first time in almost 8 years. This includes my parents, oldest sister, her husband, three children; brother, his wife, and child; my other sister, and my mother’s grandparents.

I’m not sure how much I’ve written about the issues my family has… but well to catch you up my family is pretty messed up. Not in the “abusive situation” type of way but in the no one gets along, rift in the family, and some people actually have mental disorders way (lol including me… but I’m referring more to those in my family who refuse to acknowledge that they have a problem and refuse go to therapy)…

It was a pretty good weekend. All of us were only together for a few hours. We went out to lunch in a location half way between where my oldest sister lives and where my parents and grandparents live. My brother and his family and my other sister hung around for a lot of the weekend at home.

I thought it went really well.. well for my family at least.

Of course there were times when certain groups of us were together and we would complain about the missing people… is this normal in a family? I’m not sure lol.

But anyway one thing I’ve always known about my family is that I am the glue. Everyone likes me. Everyone has issues with everyone except me. If I was not here no one in my family would speak. I am the only person who doesn’t like me (a point my therapist pointed out to me a month or so ago lol). I make people calm down and see the side of the other person (of course this sometimes leads to arguments of me defending other family member but usually I’m a pretty good mediator).

But anyhow… this past weekend I was often in odd groups of my family, such as just my parents, just my middle sister, my middle sister, brother, and sister-in-law, or just my oldest sister… and ¬†lots of complaining occurred.

My problem is is that when I’m with which ever group I completely and utterly see there side to the situation. As I said sometimes there are times when I make other people see the other side (such as when my brother was complaining about my mother I finally told him that my therapist thought that my mother most likely had borderline personality disorder… I hoped that by telling him he would understand her actions more so). But other times… I feel like a traitor to my various groups b/c I will just sit down and complain about the person right a long with them. Is this normal family behavior?

It is just that everyone in my family just trusts me SO much that I probably know more about the lives of everyone in our family than anyone else knows. It puts me in an interesting boat… and also makes me freak out in an obsessional way:

“Omg… should I have defended so-in-so??? Did I make their situation worse between them???”

“Should I have said BLANK to this person so that they would understand the situation better? Crap, did I miss my opportunity to fix my family?? But what if my saying that I put a whole in their trust?? Omg did I accidentally tell someone something that was supposed to be a secret???”

“What if I am not the glue??? But am actually the acetone disintegrating it?? What if it is all my fault that people don’t like other people in my family???? Am I subconsciously sabotaging my family??? I shouldn’t complain about anyone ever!!! I want everyone to love each other! Omg did what I just say totally ruin someone’s relationship with someone else???”

Seriously these thoughts go through my mind… and I really don’t know what to do about it… b/c honestly maybe the thoughts are right? I know… I’m letting the OCD win… but sometimes it can be so easy to believe…

Where is the line between being the glue and the acetone?

 
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Posted by on July 3, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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