Interesting Boat

So… I’m not sure how to describe what it is that is happening, but I shall try.

Obviously… as the title suggests… I’m in an interesting boat…

My WHOLE immediate family was together this past weekend for the first time in almost 8 years. This includes my parents, oldest sister, her husband, three children; brother, his wife, and child; my other sister, and my mother’s grandparents.

I’m not sure how much I’ve written about the issues my family has… but well to catch you up my family is pretty messed up. Not in the “abusive situation” type of way but in the no one gets along, rift in the family, and some people actually have mental disorders way (lol including me… but I’m referring more to those in my family who refuse to acknowledge that they have a problem and refuse go to therapy)…

It was a pretty good weekend. All of us were only together for a few hours. We went out to lunch in a location half way between where my oldest sister lives and where my parents and grandparents live. My brother and his family and my other sister hung around for a lot of the weekend at home.

I thought it went really well.. well for my family at least.

Of course there were times when certain groups of us were together and we would complain about the missing people… is this normal in a family? I’m not sure lol.

But anyway one thing I’ve always known about my family is that I am the glue. Everyone likes me. Everyone has issues with everyone except me. If I was not here no one in my family would speak. I am the only person who doesn’t like me (a point my therapist pointed out to me a month or so ago lol). I make people calm down and see the side of the other person (of course this sometimes leads to arguments of me defending other family member but usually I’m a pretty good mediator).

But anyhow… this past weekend I was often in odd groups of my family, such as just my parents, just my middle sister, my middle sister, brother, and sister-in-law, or just my oldest sister… and  lots of complaining occurred.

My problem is is that when I’m with which ever group I completely and utterly see there side to the situation. As I said sometimes there are times when I make other people see the other side (such as when my brother was complaining about my mother I finally told him that my therapist thought that my mother most likely had borderline personality disorder… I hoped that by telling him he would understand her actions more so). But other times… I feel like a traitor to my various groups b/c I will just sit down and complain about the person right a long with them. Is this normal family behavior?

It is just that everyone in my family just trusts me SO much that I probably know more about the lives of everyone in our family than anyone else knows. It puts me in an interesting boat… and also makes me freak out in an obsessional way:

“Omg… should I have defended so-in-so??? Did I make their situation worse between them???”

“Should I have said BLANK to this person so that they would understand the situation better? Crap, did I miss my opportunity to fix my family?? But what if my saying that I put a whole in their trust?? Omg did I accidentally tell someone something that was supposed to be a secret???”

“What if I am not the glue??? But am actually the acetone disintegrating it?? What if it is all my fault that people don’t like other people in my family???? Am I subconsciously sabotaging my family??? I shouldn’t complain about anyone ever!!! I want everyone to love each other! Omg did what I just say totally ruin someone’s relationship with someone else???”

Seriously these thoughts go through my mind… and I really don’t know what to do about it… b/c honestly maybe the thoughts are right? I know… I’m letting the OCD win… but sometimes it can be so easy to believe…

Where is the line between being the glue and the acetone?