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Just Can’t…

There are so many things I can’t do right now…

I’ve been working on writing this post for almost a full week now… but I still can’t comprehend it…

I can’t comprehend what happened to me last week… like I literally… just can’t…

I can’t believe that I allowed it to happen…

I can’t believe I’m not more outraged… but I think that is mostly due to the shock I’m still experiencing… that anyone would have to the NERVE to do that…

I can’t comprehend that he is actually a master manipulator compared to the really really stupid unthinking person I thought he was…

I just can’t…

I can’t comprehend the draw Fred always had for me. I honestly can’t. It makes absolutely no sense. I don’t know if it is a pheromone thing, the fact that he was my first real anything– including first real kiss and everything else–, or the fact that I’m truly just stupid and desperate. Considering my academic history I don’t consider myself stupid… but man I have been stupid.

I met someone a few months ago who told me about a past relationship that they had and it sounded an awful lot like Fred and I’s in terms on the incomprehensible draw they had towards each other… so I’m pretty sure I’m not crazy… I just think it must be one of those things that unless you’ve experienced it, I really don’t think you can understand it… because it makes no sense in any logical way. I actually wrote down a list of all of Fred’s “transgressions” towards me… of course including him faking that he attempted suicide and then yelling at me when I contacted his parents because I thought it was true, his telling me that my OCD wasn’t real and that it was the devil, and soooo many other equally horrifying things. I come up with over 40 incidents over the past year.

A couple of sessions ago my therapist and I discovered why it is that I’m stuck in this cycle of emotional abuse. It’s because, honestly, I’m use to it. I’m use to having to look the other way. I’m use to pretending that something didn’t happen so that I could continue on loving the person who did something against me. I grew up with my mother… master manipulator and basically emotional abuser… or at least she was when I was much younger…

I remember having to put a smile on and pretending it was all ok, when my mother told me that I needed to tell people my “brother was dead” because he was kicked out of the house and out of the family. I remember my grown sister with a husband and child being kicked out of the house on my high school graduation night, because she told me mother to “hold a minute” while my sister and her husband were having a disagreement and my mother needed her. I remember my mother banning my sister from our lives due to various reasons and then getting in so much trouble when my mother found out I was secretly talking to her. I love my mother. She did some pretty awful things when I was growing up… but she was my mother… I had to forgive her and pretend everything was alright… and it’s not like it was real abuse… I had a roof over my head, food, and people who tried to love me. The home I grew up in is paradise to many.

So this was the pattern I knew and understood… so it was the pattern I used with Fred.. He would treat me like shit, but I would always let him back… because like I did when I was a kid… I had to forget the transgression against me to continue on living happily.

I mean its great I understand this about myself… and its something I’m going to have to continue to remember once Fred is a far off memory… but it didn’t save me this week.

I have gone several weeks without talking to Fred. I was actually pretty proud of myself. I was moving on… I did not feel the need to contact him or anything.. but of course what happens… he contacts me… and immediately I’m stuck in his trap… it doesn’t matter I know he is horrible and unhealthy… this time he is talking to me it could be ” to explain himself,” “to finally tell me he loves me and he is sorry for being a stupid idiot,” “to actually be the man i need him to be.” I’m so use to giving people the benefit of the doubt… I’m just programmed to do it… even with this person who has over 40 times proven himself to be unhealthy and toxic.

But anyway he started talking to me this week… and I stupidly responded back to him… he kept telling me that he just wanted to be with me “one more time” (which btw I’m pretty sure this was our 50th anniversary of “one more time”). I was strong though.. I kept refusing him. I was wanting to talk to him… waiting for him to prove himself to me… but no… he just kept getting frustrated that I wouldn’t let him come see me.

After talking to me all day on Tuesday he finally had me convinced to let him come over. But when I told him nothing would happen… he moped and decided that he wasn’t going to come over.  On Wednesday he tried again… but when I told him “no” b/c I didn’t understand my feelings for him and if I even wanted him in my life… he just cut off communication (which btw is a favorite tactic of my mother).

Thursday… he tried again… but this time with a new and worse tactic… he told me that “he had met someone else” and that it was my lose. Even though it hurt, I didn’t let him know that… I told him I was happy for him and I hoped they were happy together… not the reaction he was expecting from me…

I honestly don’t know how… I mean I could go back through the texts and read them and figure it out… but I kinda don’t want to do that right now… but somehow we were talking like we were together… like a real couple… and we started talking about the future.. for some reason Fred really wants a kid.. like now… I can’t do that… for many reasons (1) Being pregnant on meds… not good… I have to get off of them first (2) Being pregnant and with OCD.. makes the OCD go into overdrive… I’m not ready for that. So I told him I’m sorry but no. Plus I need to be married before even thinking about having a kid.

So what does Fred do? He SOMEHOW (how?? DON’T ASK ME B/C ITS BEYOND MY COMPREHENSION) gets a marriage certificate!!!!!!!!!!! Like a real marriage certificate… WITH MY NAME ON IT… signed by witnesses and an ordained minister…

First of how in the freaking world did he get a marriage certificate without a marriage license which to get either btw I need to be present and show ID and sign… Second of all… HE PUT MY NAME ON A MARRIAGE CERTIFICATE… WHAT????

So I know now (I didn’t then) that it can’t be legit… bc a marriage license has to be involved (and well me)… but I’m still slightly freaked out that in the Mormon Church I’m married to Fred… yes odd that the certificate came from a Mormon Church… neither he nor I are mormon… my only thought process is that it was the only church that would give him one.

But anyway… he shows it me (via text of course) and what do I do? I totally freak! (and btw I was in target at the time… not the best place to have a major freak out) Who wouldn’t… Its like I’m going through a thousand different emotions at one time… outraged that he did something like that without me, shocked (who wouldn’t be), hurt that he didn’t know me well enough that I would in no way be ok with it, and slightly happy (I know that is soo wrong of me) because I thought it meant he actually loved me. Way to many emotions…

But anyway… I freak and I tell him sorry but I can’t marry him right now. He is apparently shocked and says that he didn’t think I would say no and he already mailed it in (first off… if this was legit… who would he be mailing it too? If he was mailing it to the state, the state requires the license and all of that… a certificate is just a piece of paper… doesn’t that mean I could go get married to Orlando Bloom if I wanted to? by just putting his name on it?)… not yet understanding how these things work (b/c you know I was in target and couldn’t really sit down and google “how do you get married in ____ state.” So shocked… but slightly excited that I’m apparently married (I know so wrong… but obviously we know there is something wrong with me that I keep letting Fred back into my life)… I eventually beg him to go get it back… but it was after 5pm… so I told him to go to the post office anyway and try to get it back… and if not go first thing in the morning (b/c apparently there is a way to retrieve mail after you already posted it… that I was able to quickly google).

He said that if he got it back though it would be our final goodbye… and at this point I was still so shocked/violated I completely agreed. He apparently got it back by banging on the door (but I really do wonder if it was ever at the post office… bc again… who on earth was he mailing it too without a license??).

He still wanted to come see me “one last time”… and because I had no idea how I should be filling I let him. He came over… one thing led to another… and of course right after… a friend had an “emergency” and needed his help (hmmm… for a guy who complains he has no friends he sure has a lot of friends who have emergencies… when he is visiting me…..). He left me saying “see you later.”

I’m not gonna lie… I was glad to see him go… but I was also heartbroken… and confused b/c “see you later” doesn’t really mean goodbye…

So the next morning I text him and I’m like “so are we finally done?” And his reply was “yes” and sorry that he left but he just “didn’t feel anything anymore”… but I’m slightly confused… I still want answers… how could we go from practically “married” to him having no feelings towards me at all…. his reply after my third text trying to get him to talk to me was that he was tired of all my nagging (which I guess I was nagging… but it’s because he wanted to be with me, but he treated me like shit and I was trying to either completely toss him out of my life or trying to fix things) and felt like “junk” after being with me. So nice of him to come over for a grand total of 7 minutes just so that he can feel wonderful pleasure, and then feel like junk right after and make me feel like a slut, wasn’t it?

So now… it’s almost been a whole week… and I still don’t know how to feel about it… I still feel angry and violated… but I still feel hurt and confused… and I still want him… after everything… there is apparently something extremely wrong with me… I just want to let him go…

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Posted by on August 29, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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Slow reader…

Ok… so I am being a terribly slow reader at reading Captivating… I just keep getting distracted… I seriously think I have ADD… seriously thought process in my brain:

“This book Captivating is so great. I can’t wait to learn from it all and finish it!”
“I also can’t wait to finish that pizza in the fridge”
“Speaking of pizza, I can’t forget to check on my meals on chefville”
“Oh, they have a new game now called Coasterville I wonder whats that about”
“Hmmm, I wonder how Marlene’s job at disney is going these days”
“I miss that girl… oh that day I set our apartment on fire”
“Speaking of fire… what is that smell”
“Ack! The pizza is burning!!! Fire!!!”

Of course it is much funnier in my head… but oh well… what can one do about that…

But anyway… back to Captivating… I came across another part that really spoke to me… especially about my current life difficulties with figuring out what I should be doing with my life path….

Quick word of warning this is a long quote… but I think I need to include all of it so y’all can get more of the meaning…

“Why did God curse Eve with loneliness and heartache, an emptiness that nothing would be able to fill? Wasn’t her life going to be hard enough out there in the world, banished from the Garden that was her true home, her only home, never able to return? It seems, unkind. Cruel, even.

He did it to save her. For as we all know personally, something in Eve’s heart shifted at the Fall. Something sent its roots down deep into her soul- and ours- that mistrust of God’s heart, that resolution to find life on our own terms. So God has to thwart her. IN love, he has to block her attempts until, wounded and aching, she turns to him and him alone for her rescue.

‘Therefore I will block her path with thornbushes; I will wall her in so she cannot find her way. She will chase after her lovers but not catch them;she will look for them but not find them.’ (Hos. 2:6-7)

Jesus has to thwart us too- thwart our self-redemptive plans, our controlling, our hiding, thwart the ways we are seeking to fill the ache within us. Otherwise, we would never fully turn to him for our rescue. Oh we might turn to him for our ‘salvation,’ for a ticket to heaven when we die. We might turn to him even in the form of Christian service, regular church attendance, a moral life. But inside, our hearts remain broken and captive and far from the One who can help us.

And so you will see the gentle, firm hand of God in a woman’s life hemming her in. He’ll make what once was a great job miserable, if it was her career that she found shelter. He’ll bring hardship into her marriage, even to the breaking point, if it was in marriage she sought her salvation. Wherever it is we have sought life apart from him, he disrupts our plans, our ‘way of life’ which is not life at all.

[the authors then proceed to tell a story of a woman named susan who had a horrible abusive child hood and when life became hard she went into a defensive posture… she needed to learn how to be vulnerable once again… the woman then writes:] ‘Every day I must choose to lay down my defensiveness and allow the healing balm of Jesus to attend to my wound and allow him to be my God, my Strength, and my Defender. He told me that I didn’t need to defend myself anymore, that was his job, he is my Defender and Advocate Would I let him be that for me? I said yes. There was a huge weight lifted off that I can’t fully explain'” (Eldredge and Eldredge 2005 89-90).

I have used my current career path as a way to find life ‘on my own terms.’ From late high school into the beginning of college… I had my heart set on being a missionary… actually I’ve wanted to a missionary since kindergarten… or at least pictures of a board in my kindergarten class room that had our names next to what we wanted to be when we grow up tells me so.

But I was also focused on making my family happy.. sadly not God… but my family… so I went the path they thought I would enjoy the most… the path that they basically told me to do… it was also the only way I could prove to my family that I was smart.. they only believed you were smart if you were in a math or science… so I had to get straight As to prove that a social science could be included in that… my main concern was and still is “I don’t want to fail my family or my life”… and I never think about “I don’t want to fail God”… but that is what I should be thinking… when I die, all i want to hear is God tell me “Well done, dear one”… but how can I if I don’t know if I am on the path I should be on?

I usually characterize the end of my second year of college (which I did in three years) as the time when my OCD really started acting up in my non child hood life… but in reality it was the summer between my first and second year… that was when the Pure obsessions began and I began obsessing over obsessing…

I don’t remember much except for the fact that I was taking two summer courses, I had to drive to get to my summer courses over a bridge (major OCD trigger), and I was having a quarter life crisis of what to do with my life.

I had started to realize that the field of social science that I was in was not for me… but I didn’t know what else to do with my life… all I knew was that I loved community service so the logical thing for me to look into would be Social work… I spent the summer refining my application to the social work school at my college and sent it in… I got in… but the week that classes began I started obsessing that I was destroying my life by not going full force into the social science that I had chosen… my advisor in the social work school was really getting annoyed with me b/c in the week of add/drop I probably added and dropped my courses three times before I finally just told her that I couldn’t do it.

What scared me was that I was ruining my life… then as my OCD slowly progressed… academia is what I began to hide within so that people wouldn’t notice that there was something wrong with me… I could hide my perfectionism within it because who didn’t want to get all As to get into the best grad programs? It steadily got worse as I began to give things up that I loved (such as being Director of Community Service for a program I was part of and spending time with friends) in order to feed into the perfectionism because I was terrified of failing… the only way I could defend myself from failing was to put ALL my time and effort into academia… I felt alone… I had to defend myself… I had to protect myself… and then as my OCD got even worse (hard to imagine lol) academia became my prison… the place I remained so that I could somehow have a small impact on the world but remain apart from everyone else… it was my way of defending everyone else from me (because I believed I was such a horrible person)…. it was my way of controlling the world and me.

But what this passage brought to light to me was… first of all… I am not my defender! My only defender is God… no matter where I try to find my salvation… whether it be in academia… or in a relationship that I thought would save me from myself… I cannot obtain it unless I go through God. I also cannot control anything (something I have a very hard time accepting lol).

I need to turn to God to save me… save me from this fear of failure… this fear of my obsessional thoughts… this fear of ruining my life and others… My life is really miserable a lot of the time… I keep turning to God and for a brief moment I am with Him and everything is ok… but the moment I get my fill I leave thinking I can live on my own without him… but I can’t… I need Him all the time… every moment…

I need to follow in God’s path.

But then I keep thinking… maybe I’m just getting cold feet about academia… maybe this is actually a trial… and I am supposed to remain in academia and it is just Satan trying to convince me that I shouldn’t be here… but I keep looking at all the evidence…

(1) The number one reason most people are in the field that I am in is because of the fieldwork… everyone loves it… I hate it… I absolutely hate it… there are some aspects about it I LOVE… but those aspects are the secondary aspects that surround the main field work…. the main reason for doing the work and the actually doing of the work we are supposed to be doing… I hate… it is PURE misery to me… and I have done field work MANY MANY times with the same results every time…

(2) I hate the in school portion… I constantly hate having to prove my worthiness to my professors just for a paper with an A on it..

(3) I hate academic conferences… I know most people love the drinking part the most (I don’t drink so… yea).. but people are usually pretty interested in the things being presented… i hate it… I hate sitting there having to listen to someone talk for 15 minutes… my thoughts are constantly “can this be over already?”

(4) I hate obsessing over doing work and never allowing myself to do anything else because I haven’t finished my work

…..

You would think that all of those are pretty big red flags… but I do love to teach the material, I do sometimes like research (it really depends on the topic… and then I only like doing the research portion… I hate the writing it up portion), I like that I get As…

but really… if that is all… why pour the one life I get into this??

My friend Jodie recently told me that after a long discussion with her mother that she is quitting her job. She dislikes it. She isn’t sure what she wants to do right now… she had her heart set on med school but didn’t get in the first round… but she knows that her job is making her into a person she really doesn’t like… so even though she makes great money… she is going to quit… and she is 5 years older than I am… part of me is afraid to quit because I fear it will put me behind… but if she can quit and be ok with it at 27… then I should be able to quit at 23 and be ok with it…

I wish I was as brave as Jodie… I hate what academia does to me… This is my 6th year in academia (3 years undergrad, 2 years MA, 1st year PhD)… out of all those years… my favorite is my first year of college (b/c well it was my first year away from home!) and then the first year of my MA program…

Thats what keeps getting me in trying to determine whether I should quit or not… I had a great first year in my MA program… yea I was a basket case the majority of the time… but I had an amazing group of friends… but just because I made the wrong decision in going into academia doesn’t mean that God abandoned me and wouldn’t provide me with a great group of friends… I keep trying to think of the material we learned… did I like it? honestly? yea I kind of did… I was still passionate then about what I do… but I was also new to my area of specialization and was getting to know the information…

urg… that one year is what is throwing me off…

I just don’t know…

I just wish I knew how to hear God’s voice better… people keep saying He will lead you in the path He wants you to go… but honestly… I have NO idea what that path is… I’m good at what I do… look at my transcripts and it will show you… I got a 4.0 in undergrad… 3.9 in my MA (two freaking A minuses!– and lets not forget I got diagnosed with severe OCD during my second year of my MA), and I got all As last semester… but am I good at it because I am controlling that aspect and forcing myself? If I was to let God control would I still be here? Or would I be elsewhere?

Urg.. I don’t know… I thought when writing this post I had a clarifying moment of “Academia sucks! I need a new life path!” but now… i’m just as confused as always…

Sigh… well at least that is one thing I don’t fail at… confusion… I bet I am the best out there at being confused… 😉

 
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Posted by on January 28, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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