So one of my biggest OCD issues I have, which I have yet to be able to deal with, is Peanut Butter.
Peanut Butter terrifies the living daylights out of me. No I’m not allergic… but other people are!
What if I am eating a Peanut Butter Sandwich or Reese’s Cup and get some on my hand… then not paying attention I get it on the desk at which I am sitting in the library studying and eating said Peanut Butter thing. What if next person to sit at said desk is allergic to Peanut Butter??? and they touch the Peanut Butter I accidentally left behind and they start to have an allergic reaction and possibly die???
Yea I know not very probable… but there was that girl in Canada who died from Kissing her boyfriend who had eaten a Peanut Butter Candy Bar!
Yes most of the time people with peanut allergies have EpiPens for occasions like this… but it didn’t seem to work on that one girl…
I just don’t want to be the accidental cause of someone getting sick and having a horrible allergic reaction because of me!
So what do I do? I avoid Peanut Butter like the plague.
This isn’t exactly the best thing to do in life, because for those of us who aren’t allergic to Peanut Butter it is actually really good for you. My doctors keep recommending that I eat it because it is a good source of energy (which I lack), but I just give them a look and they remember my fear.
But I know I need to work on this. Even though I didn’t want to.
I accidentally started working on it in February without planning to do so. My now ex-boyfriend and I met for the first time to see a movie, and what yummy treat did he sneak into the theater for us to share? None other than Reese’s Pieces… It was so sweet that he brought them for us to share and we had just met so I couldn’t explain to him that I was terrified of Peanut Butter. So I swallowed my fear and ate them with him… and you know what? I felt safe and I felt that everyone around me was safe from the peanut butter too… my ex was awesome like that… without even realizing it or doing anything he made me feel safe…
And after dating for a while I just picked up that he was a bit obsessed with peanut butter and anytime we shared a candy it usually had peanut butter in it. I even once bought us Peanut Butter M&Ms for us to split and when we couldn’t finish them all I took them home and ate them by myself!
I know for a normal person that doesn’t seem like a great accomplishment, but believe me it was. Yea I hadn’t started to eat real peanut butter that wasn’t in something contained… but this was a step in the right direction… This Wednesday it will have been a month since I had last seen him and three weeks since he broke up with me… I hadn’t touched peanut butter since…
I don’t have that amazing guy to make me feel safe anymore…
But you know what? I should feel safe by myself… and even if I can’t muster that courage to feel safe by myself yet… I should feel safe because God is with me… and will keep me from accidentally getting Peanut Butter somewhere that a person with an allergy might touch.
So what did I do today? I went and bought my favorite cereal in the whole world: Peanut Butter Captain Crunch… yea its still not real Peanut Butter but its a step up from just eating it in candy… and yes… I ate it. I was really hesitant at first and kinda scared when I first started to eat it… but I didn’t feel any anxiety about it after only a few minutes.
A great accomplishment I think.
I’m heart broken that he left me. I’m anxious about Peanut Butter. But I’m not letting either stop me… I’m moving on with my life and with Peanut Butter on my own.