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MY Life

So compared to most… I have a great family…

I’ve always had a roof over my head. Parents who loved me and clothed me and made sure I always had plenty of food…

But well… my family has issues in the emotionally abusive way…

In the way that many people have “daddy issues,” I have intense “mommy issues.” My dad had a career that kept him away from home for a lot of my childhood… so it was my mother who “wore the pants” in the family.

My mother came from a legit physically abusive home… the kind of home she would have been taken out of quickly if social services were the same then as they were today.

So she has reason to be the way she is… I try to understand it… but the truth is… my mother needs helps… the two therapist I’ve been two and the two psychiatrist who I’ve spoken too about my mother have all classified her as “borderline personality disorder.” Of course I could never tell her this or she would make life horrible for me… but I have tried to get her to go to therapy but to no avail…

As we all know I’m going through yet another crisis in my life… I don’t know what to do with my life…

I knew academia wasn’t for me… but what do I turn to without it? Its like i was standing on a cliff where I could see “the promise land” and the only way to get to that land was to jump off the cliff and then continue to the journey no matter how far it was.

I jumped off that cliff. I quit academia… but now because I no longer have the vantage point I can’t see the promise land… and I have no idea how long it will take me to get there… plus this path seems to be very muddy with many obstacles in my path… I can’t see the promise land nor can I figure out where I am anymore…

So to get back to my mommy issues…

I tried to talk to my mother about this… normally I don’t talk to my mother ever about what goes on in my life… but I was having a particularly depressing evening and I needed someone to talk to… and not taking my better judgement into consideration I called her…

WORST decision ever…

Somehow she has turned in my life crisis into being about her…

The fact that I’m unsure about things “Hurts her feelings.”

I’m not blaming her in any way! I am totally blaming this completely on me… but because I’m so upset with MY life… she is makes it out that I am purposefully hurting her…

She won’t STOP calling me trying to fix me and my problems… trying to make things “right”…

I’m just trying to figure out my OWN life and fix it… I don’t need to be worried about her being hurt by my worrying!! Does that even make sense?!

Yes I understand that she is sad to see her child struggling… but DON’T MAKE THIS ABOUT YOU!!!!

I have soooo much stuff that has gone on in my life that she doesn’t know about… she has no idea about Fred and other issues such as my major OCD struggles… I’ve protected her from those things… but why must I protect her?? When its MY LIFE?? Shouldn’t I just be trying to protect myself??

I just don’t understand… let me figure things out… let me figure out MY life… don’t make this about you, because then I’m going to do what I’ve always done in my life… please you even if it hurts me…

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Posted by on October 13, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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Poetry

It is so long since my heart has been with yours

shut by our mingling arms through
a darkness where new lights begin and
increase,
since your mind has walked into
my kiss as a stranger
into the streets and colours of a town–

that i have perhaps forgotten how, always (from,
these hurrying crudities
of blood and flesh) Love
coins His most gradual gesture,

and whittles life to eternity

–after which our separating selves become museums
filled with skillfully stuffed memories

By: E.E. Cummings

 
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Posted by on October 13, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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Dear World,

I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!

Now that I don’t have academia what am I supposed to do with the next 60 years of my existence??????

 
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Posted by on October 11, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

To never have loved..

In Memoriam A.H.H. Section 27 (1850) by Lord Tennyson

I envy not in any moods
The captive void of noble rage,
The linnet* born within the cage, *small bird
That never knew the summer woods:

I envy not the beast that takes
His license in the field of time,
Unfetter’d by the sense of crime,
To whom a conscience never wakes;

Nor, what may count itself as blest,
The heart that never plighted troth
But stagnates in the weeds of sloth;
Nor any want-begotten rest.

I hold it true, whate’er befall;
I feel it, when I sorrow most;
‘Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.

I posted this poem almost a year ago. The reason I am posting it again is for the same reason as it was a year ago. I’m still heartbroken. Still trying to understand everything that I’ve been through. A year ago, I thought that I had experienced true and horrific pain of the heart.. but it was just the beginning of a very long, tiring, hurtful, painful and discouraging road.

It is a time that has drastically changed me. I am not who I was a year ago. Even Riley who only sees me once a year has already commented on how I am not the person I use to be. I love who I am now (well on my good days lol)… I turned adversity into beauty… but was it worth it? Was it better to have experienced that love and lost it than to never have experienced it at all?

What would be better? To be this person I am now or someone who never knew him?

If there is anything I learned from this experience, it is two things: (1) Love (not even sex but the idea of love and believing you are experiencing it) is a drug; and (2) Ignorance is Bliss.

I wouldn’t be who I was today if this hadn’t happened to me… I wanted to so badly experience love… but emotionally I believe I would have been better off if I had never experienced it… but then again perhaps not, because it did help me overcome my OCD (I think… still not sure about that)… but if I could have been ignorant in the way of never having to experience this pain… I would have taken it…

Love is a drug. Now that I’ve tasted it (even in a really bad form), it is all I want… but…

If a drug addict who had ruined his life due to the drug had the opportunity to turn back time would they say that they rather have done it and kept their whole experience as an addict and then their eventual painful withdrawal? Or would they say they wish they had never done it in the first place.

My bet is the latter.

So if love was a drug that I could have been blissfully ignorant of… I would take the chance to be ignorant of it… it is not better to have loved and lost because then you are on constant withdrawal and you make things appear better in your head than they actually were… I rather have never loved at all, so that I could feel whole. I couldn’t even fathom a year ago that it was possible to feel this broken…

 
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Posted by on October 2, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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Change

Never in my life have I ever changed so much and so drastically in two years… it makes me wonder whether I have actually changed..

Two years ago… my world fell apart… it feels like two years ago was so long ago and yet just yesterday…

but if I am completely honest my world had fallen apart long ago… I just refused to acknowledge it… I’ve been badly plagued with OCD since the summer of 2008… it came and went… and I had a wonderful school year Fall 2010-Spring 2011… but that false sense of happiness fell apart so quickly that summer.

But still just thinking about the past two years… This time two years ago I could barely get out of my bed in fear that I would somehow ending up unintentionally hurting someone.. I was terrified of the world and myself… once the meds started working things got much better… but when I moved to my current city a year ago… I wrote down a list of “wishes” that I had. They are as follows:

  • I wish I was beautiful inside and out.
  • I wish I was loved.
  • I wish that I didn’t want to be invisible.
  • I wish I could make a difference.
  • I wish I could stop hating myself.
  • I wish I could let go.
  • I wish I knew what I wanted.
  • I wish I could love.
  • I wish I understood myself better.
  • I wish I didn’t feel like I failed God.
  • I wish I could feel Jesus’ presence.
  • I wish I could stop mourning over myself.

I really haven’t thought much of these wishes… but its mostly because I’ve been distracted this whole year. Between a PhD program I was hating, someone that I loved who refused to even try to love me, and other guy issues… I forgot my problems.

So because I forgot my problems… did that make them go away? or are they still there? Do I still wish for all of those things? Do I still need to wish for all of those things?

Honestly… I don’t know…

 
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Posted by on September 29, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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Last week…

So last week was Fred and I’s anniversary… On September 4, 2012 he started talking to me…

For my few friends who read this you may or may not be surprised at the fact that I let Fred see me again a few days before our anniversary and the day after (I know so stupid!! you don’t have to yell at me! I’m yelling at myself!).

There is no explanation of why I allowed him to see me. I knew one thing would lead to another as always… I mean that is the only reason that he came to see me. But my indescribable draw towards him allowed him back in… just for two nights…

While the time I have with him is always so happy, the moment he leaves me I’m left with less of myself than before… so incredibly sad and broken.

But this ‘boy’ has taken up a year of my life… I won’t let him have anymore of it. I refuse. I’m done. The tiny bit of happiness he gives me isn’t worth the pain that he also gives me. I’m tired of hurting. I’m tired of not being whole.

I’m stronger now than I use to be and I won’t let him back in. The master manipulator is gone forever from my life.

It is wrong that someone like him can have such power over my life. He held my heart in his hands and he did not treat it as precious… in fact he destroyed it.

But hearts, they are supposed to resilient, aren’t they? I won’t let him have power over me any more. I will take the remains of my heart back and what will come out of it will be more beautiful than it was before.

 
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Posted by on September 9, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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For Brad…

This is a poem type thing that I’ve been working on since right before Brad told me that he couldn’t be friends with me.

They are poetic words from 26 of the 147 pages of Louisa May Alcott’s The Inheritance (my favorite book). There is going to be an art piece associated with it, but since I just finished the poem I wanted to share that first. It doesn’t have a title yet.

Still upon the grass
four days had passed
and she feared

Twilight gathered fast
a whispered repeated request
through her tears.

“Lost loves
are tokens of a heart
a sacrifice in vain.”
she said strained.

The patient strength of the heart
was a source of her sorrow
and a trial of her gentle heart

A dark form in dimly lighted gallery
his look of suffering
and sad earnest eyes
knew a message to give

The secrets of her heart
were not answered
in the secret of his kindness

Within that noble heart
a drop fell unseen
she would pass on alone
through the lonely woods

“My dream is broken,
I fear nothing,
I go softly on
For I have no heart to give.”

She stole softly
but a silent gratitude and unselfish love
never seemed more beautiful.

 
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Posted by on August 31, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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