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Just Can’t…

29 Aug

There are so many things I can’t do right now…

I’ve been working on writing this post for almost a full week now… but I still can’t comprehend it…

I can’t comprehend what happened to me last week… like I literally… just can’t…

I can’t believe that I allowed it to happen…

I can’t believe I’m not more outraged… but I think that is mostly due to the shock I’m still experiencing… that anyone would have to the NERVE to do that…

I can’t comprehend that he is actually a master manipulator compared to the really really stupid unthinking person I thought he was…

I just can’t…

I can’t comprehend the draw Fred always had for me. I honestly can’t. It makes absolutely no sense. I don’t know if it is a pheromone thing, the fact that he was my first real anything– including first real kiss and everything else–, or the fact that I’m truly just stupid and desperate. Considering my academic history I don’t consider myself stupid… but man I have been stupid.

I met someone a few months ago who told me about a past relationship that they had and it sounded an awful lot like Fred and I’s in terms on the incomprehensible draw they had towards each other… so I’m pretty sure I’m not crazy… I just think it must be one of those things that unless you’ve experienced it, I really don’t think you can understand it… because it makes no sense in any logical way. I actually wrote down a list of all of Fred’s “transgressions” towards me… of course including him faking that he attempted suicide and then yelling at me when I contacted his parents because I thought it was true, his telling me that my OCD wasn’t real and that it was the devil, and soooo many other equally horrifying things. I come up with over 40 incidents over the past year.

A couple of sessions ago my therapist and I discovered why it is that I’m stuck in this cycle of emotional abuse. It’s because, honestly, I’m use to it. I’m use to having to look the other way. I’m use to pretending that something didn’t happen so that I could continue on loving the person who did something against me. I grew up with my mother… master manipulator and basically emotional abuser… or at least she was when I was much younger…

I remember having to put a smile on and pretending it was all ok, when my mother told me that I needed to tell people my “brother was dead” because he was kicked out of the house and out of the family. I remember my grown sister with a husband and child being kicked out of the house on my high school graduation night, because she told me mother to “hold a minute” while my sister and her husband were having a disagreement and my mother needed her. I remember my mother banning my sister from our lives due to various reasons and then getting in so much trouble when my mother found out I was secretly talking to her. I love my mother. She did some pretty awful things when I was growing up… but she was my mother… I had to forgive her and pretend everything was alright… and it’s not like it was real abuse… I had a roof over my head, food, and people who tried to love me. The home I grew up in is paradise to many.

So this was the pattern I knew and understood… so it was the pattern I used with Fred.. He would treat me like shit, but I would always let him back… because like I did when I was a kid… I had to forget the transgression against me to continue on living happily.

I mean its great I understand this about myself… and its something I’m going to have to continue to remember once Fred is a far off memory… but it didn’t save me this week.

I have gone several weeks without talking to Fred. I was actually pretty proud of myself. I was moving on… I did not feel the need to contact him or anything.. but of course what happens… he contacts me… and immediately I’m stuck in his trap… it doesn’t matter I know he is horrible and unhealthy… this time he is talking to me it could be ” to explain himself,” “to finally tell me he loves me and he is sorry for being a stupid idiot,” “to actually be the man i need him to be.” I’m so use to giving people the benefit of the doubt… I’m just programmed to do it… even with this person who has over 40 times proven himself to be unhealthy and toxic.

But anyway he started talking to me this week… and I stupidly responded back to him… he kept telling me that he just wanted to be with me “one more time” (which btw I’m pretty sure this was our 50th anniversary of “one more time”). I was strong though.. I kept refusing him. I was wanting to talk to him… waiting for him to prove himself to me… but no… he just kept getting frustrated that I wouldn’t let him come see me.

After talking to me all day on Tuesday he finally had me convinced to let him come over. But when I told him nothing would happen… he moped and decided that he wasn’t going to come over.  On Wednesday he tried again… but when I told him “no” b/c I didn’t understand my feelings for him and if I even wanted him in my life… he just cut off communication (which btw is a favorite tactic of my mother).

Thursday… he tried again… but this time with a new and worse tactic… he told me that “he had met someone else” and that it was my lose. Even though it hurt, I didn’t let him know that… I told him I was happy for him and I hoped they were happy together… not the reaction he was expecting from me…

I honestly don’t know how… I mean I could go back through the texts and read them and figure it out… but I kinda don’t want to do that right now… but somehow we were talking like we were together… like a real couple… and we started talking about the future.. for some reason Fred really wants a kid.. like now… I can’t do that… for many reasons (1) Being pregnant on meds… not good… I have to get off of them first (2) Being pregnant and with OCD.. makes the OCD go into overdrive… I’m not ready for that. So I told him I’m sorry but no. Plus I need to be married before even thinking about having a kid.

So what does Fred do? He SOMEHOW (how?? DON’T ASK ME B/C ITS BEYOND MY COMPREHENSION) gets a marriage certificate!!!!!!!!!!! Like a real marriage certificate… WITH MY NAME ON IT… signed by witnesses and an ordained minister…

First of how in the freaking world did he get a marriage certificate without a marriage license which to get either btw I need to be present and show ID and sign… Second of all… HE PUT MY NAME ON A MARRIAGE CERTIFICATE… WHAT????

So I know now (I didn’t then) that it can’t be legit… bc a marriage license has to be involved (and well me)… but I’m still slightly freaked out that in the Mormon Church I’m married to Fred… yes odd that the certificate came from a Mormon Church… neither he nor I are mormon… my only thought process is that it was the only church that would give him one.

But anyway… he shows it me (via text of course) and what do I do? I totally freak! (and btw I was in target at the time… not the best place to have a major freak out) Who wouldn’t… Its like I’m going through a thousand different emotions at one time… outraged that he did something like that without me, shocked (who wouldn’t be), hurt that he didn’t know me well enough that I would in no way be ok with it, and slightly happy (I know that is soo wrong of me) because I thought it meant he actually loved me. Way to many emotions…

But anyway… I freak and I tell him sorry but I can’t marry him right now. He is apparently shocked and says that he didn’t think I would say no and he already mailed it in (first off… if this was legit… who would he be mailing it too? If he was mailing it to the state, the state requires the license and all of that… a certificate is just a piece of paper… doesn’t that mean I could go get married to Orlando Bloom if I wanted to? by just putting his name on it?)… not yet understanding how these things work (b/c you know I was in target and couldn’t really sit down and google “how do you get married in ____ state.” So shocked… but slightly excited that I’m apparently married (I know so wrong… but obviously we know there is something wrong with me that I keep letting Fred back into my life)… I eventually beg him to go get it back… but it was after 5pm… so I told him to go to the post office anyway and try to get it back… and if not go first thing in the morning (b/c apparently there is a way to retrieve mail after you already posted it… that I was able to quickly google).

He said that if he got it back though it would be our final goodbye… and at this point I was still so shocked/violated I completely agreed. He apparently got it back by banging on the door (but I really do wonder if it was ever at the post office… bc again… who on earth was he mailing it too without a license??).

He still wanted to come see me “one last time”… and because I had no idea how I should be filling I let him. He came over… one thing led to another… and of course right after… a friend had an “emergency” and needed his help (hmmm… for a guy who complains he has no friends he sure has a lot of friends who have emergencies… when he is visiting me…..). He left me saying “see you later.”

I’m not gonna lie… I was glad to see him go… but I was also heartbroken… and confused b/c “see you later” doesn’t really mean goodbye…

So the next morning I text him and I’m like “so are we finally done?” And his reply was “yes” and sorry that he left but he just “didn’t feel anything anymore”… but I’m slightly confused… I still want answers… how could we go from practically “married” to him having no feelings towards me at all…. his reply after my third text trying to get him to talk to me was that he was tired of all my nagging (which I guess I was nagging… but it’s because he wanted to be with me, but he treated me like shit and I was trying to either completely toss him out of my life or trying to fix things) and felt like “junk” after being with me. So nice of him to come over for a grand total of 7 minutes just so that he can feel wonderful pleasure, and then feel like junk right after and make me feel like a slut, wasn’t it?

So now… it’s almost been a whole week… and I still don’t know how to feel about it… I still feel angry and violated… but I still feel hurt and confused… and I still want him… after everything… there is apparently something extremely wrong with me… I just want to let him go…

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Posted by on August 29, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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