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Belonging

14 Jan

Ok… so I know I said that I am going to keep to my positive attitude… but I think in order to fully embody that I need to recognize everything that is holding me back from having that attitude come naturally.

I was recently having a heart-to-heart with a friend I’ll call Jodie, and it kind of hit me during that conversation what one of my underlying issues is…

I hardly ever feel like I belong.

There have been very rare moments in my life when I truly felt like I belonged where I was at…

I think much of this has to do with the fact that I have never lived anywhere longer than 3.25 years… My family moved around a lot when I was growing up… In elementary school alone I went to seven different schools! It started to slow down though once I got to my middle and high school years. But all in all… including undergrad and grad schools, I have been in 14 different schools (not including two summers that I did undergrad courses at my college near home at two different universities).

In that kind of setting it is really hard to feel like you belong somewhere… always having to leave people, meet new people, and then have to leave new people in order to move again gave me very good life skills I think in understanding people… but has left me in a very vulnerable place. Because I didn’t belong. In fact my last high school I went too was so cliquish that they went out of there way to show me that I didn’t belong by ignoring me even though I had lived there before and knew them from when we were younger.

Then in church settings… cliques are very pervasive among the younger crowd and it was hard to ever find an “in” to having friends… yes I would make a few friends… but always those who were already parts of other cliques that I couldn’t get into, so the time I could really spend with them was limited… and I could never get those few friends together because they were part of different cliques…

And I never belonged at home… My parents… I don’t think they ever MEANT it… often forgot about me… which is odd b/c I am the youngest… but I wasn’t the trouble maker, the first born with all the drama, nor the genius… I was just Brooke… the one never good enough (which my parents more than often pointed out to me) and always under the shadows of her siblings.

I’ve wrote here in this blog about my very best friends who i call on here: Sarah, Riley, Twin, and Tajel… I love them all to death and they love me… but only two of them have ever met. I’ve written about how lucky I am to have them… because I totally am… but I don’t live anywhere near them… I’m lucky if I get to see them once a year.

So its like I do belong somewhere with them… but on an emotional plane not a physical plane…

I think that is one of the reasons why my drama from last semester affected me so much… because I met someone who made me feel like I physically belonged somewhere… and then to have that taken from me… was kind of devastating… it wasn’t his fault… he couldn’t have known… I mean I didn’t know! But I’m realizing now that that was what made it feel as bad as it did…

I also have this problem with opening up to people… I’m either 100% open to someone or 100% closed to someone… I need to learn how to control it… but when I decide that someone is worth opening up too I give them every bit of me… I put 1000% in the relationship… which well is a bit much for ANYONE to handle… I know I shouldn’t… I should ease into a deep relationship (even just in terms of friendship)… but I have a hard time with that… i’m not sure how to fix this… but it is def something I need to work on… but I’ve been this way since… for as long as I remember… that was why Riley and I had such issues when we first met… I had decided in the 7th grade “hey I trust you! here is me! I’ve decided your special so you must deal with me!”… and well I’m a bit much… I can barely handle myself… which is what made Riley and I enemies for the majority of the first year we knew each other… and it doesn’t help b/c I give so much of me to someone that I then cling onto them… I don’t mean too… but I tend to metaphorically suffocate people… Honestly its kinda like I’m Darla from Finding Nemo… thats kinda depressing…wanting so badly for the fish to play with her, love her, and she ends up killing the fish… I don’t mean too… its not out of ill intent at all! I just want to be loved and belonged so badly…

but once people realize that I am the crazy piece of work I am, they love me… and i’m not saying that just to say that… I really do honestly mean it… when people finally realize my uniqueness, for a lack of a better term lol, I somehow always end up as a “pet”… really… one of the very few times I did feel like I belonged somewhere was the first year of where I got my MA degree.. and I heard people often describe me as the ‘pet’ of the group… everyone loves me, watches out for me, loves to play around with me… but at the end of the day… on a Friday night do you want to hang out with your pet or do you want to hit the town with friends? Which often made me feel lonely… even when I felt like I belonged..

And then when my OCD got bad… I had the whole “I don’t belong here on this planet” thing going on…

But really I’ve been thinking… what is the core fear that my OCD feeds on: That I will accidentally do something to have a negative impact on someone’s life. But why do I think that? …

I think its because deep down I truly don’t believe I belong (which I know is a total lie!), because I’ve hardly ever belonged anywhere… why do I fear somehow negatively impacting someone’s life? Because I don’t belong here in the first place and I am somehow where I am by accident… so I need to keep my head low and avoid eye contact before someone realizes that I don’t belong and kicks me out… I somehow got lost in the shuffle and am extremely thankful to be in the place where I am and I don’t want to do anything to make my blessing of being where I am have a negative impact…if people are going to notice me I want it to be only for good things so that when they realize that I don’t belong they won’t mind as much that I am somehow here.

I dunno… does that make sense? I’m not sure…

But that is really something I need to work on…. feeling like I belong… because I do belong… especially to my friends… even if I am not there physically. And I need not latch on to someone giving them 1000% of me at once b/c then I just end up metaphorically making them claustrophobic until a candle is finally lit (if they actually stick around that long) and they realize I am a beautiful person… or at least I hope I am.

I physically felt like a belonged somewhere with a specific individual last semester… and I gave him too much of me way to quickly… scared him off… I miss that feeling of belonging and not be lonely… but I need to find a way to not rely on someone else to feel that way… I need to find belonging within myself and with God.

After all… “Not all those who Wander are lost.”

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Posted by on January 14, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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