RSS

I’m Done Waiting…

30 Oct

I’ve never been a particularly patient person… I know patience is a virtue and all… but you can’t live your life perpetually waiting…

Yes, some things take time to figure out. But in all the situations I am currently waiting in… way more than enough time has been allotted.

Waiting is just equivalent to fear.

“But I’m waiting for the right time.”
– If two years have gone by and you are still waiting for the “right time”… I’m pretty sure it has come and gone.

I know what I want. So why am I waiting? Is it just because I am terrified of failure? Terrified that I am ruining things because I will eventually be happy but just not right now?

There are moments when I am happy yes, but overall I’ve been miserable. I think my happiness is more important. I should chase after that which makes me happy.

I hate academia. So why am I still sitting here reading these articles for class and writing papers? Because I am waiting for things to get better… but waiting around isn’t going to make things better… I have TO DO something.

Eventually you can inhale so much oxygen you can’t take anymore. In fact it physically hurts to inhale anymore.

I can’t take anymore on this situation or others. My mind/heart/soul is worn out. I have to exhale.

I know what I want. I want to make a difference in the world. I know I am never going to make a difference politically or economically… my brain can’t wrap around those things…they are not my spiritual gifts, so I know my difference is going to be small… but if I can just get food on the table for someone who can’t do it for themselves… that is good enough for me. I don’t have to move to Africa or join the peace corps to do that… I can do that right in this very city in which I live.

Waiting is useless. Waiting is disappointing. Because NOTHING happens. You have to take action… follow your heart… do what you believe God is calling you to do.

So back to patience:

Yes, “Through patience a ruler can be persuaded, and a gentle tongue can break a bone” (Proverbs 25: 15).

But, “the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control” (Galatians 5:22-23).

In order to love myself, in order to find joy and peace, to be kind and good, to be faithful to who I am, I must realize that my self control and forbearance is detrimental to me and all those involved.

I’m controlling myself too much so that I don’t do something that I think I will later regret. My forbearance is because of fear. Fear is not from God. Fear is in fact from the devil. God is love.

Yes, patience and self control are good, but not in the context of fear.

I’ve lived with OCD since I was 8 years old and I am now 23! I know what fear is. Fear and I have never been separated for long. But I am SO tired of fear. I can’t allow fear to control my life anymore… I want love. I want to love myself, others, and what I do.

My “so called patience” is completely fear drawn. Fear that I am going to ruin something. But if I can take down that fear… I can stop waiting and decide.

Anything that is driven by fear… is in no way from God. God is complete and total love.

Yes sometimes love hurts.

God loves us soooo much that He has given us free will. And what do we do with that free will? Screw up over and over and over again… It has to hurt Him so much to see us suffer… but He loves us… so He lets us make our own decisions.

So yes, I may hurt myself by dropping out of academia. But it is done completely and utterly out of love.

Love cannot exist with fear. I am tired of living in fear that I will die not contributing to society in anyway, fear that I will die alone, fear that I am screwing up the path that I am supposed to be on. But if this was the path I was supposed to be on… fear would not be a part of it. Because God is love and God creates the path He wants me to be on.

It is such an oxymoron for an OCD individual to say they will no longer live in fear. But I can’t do this anymore. It hurts too much. I have to exhale.

I am exhaling to release the fear, so that I can once again inhale only love.

Yes I know, especially with my OCD, fear will come back… but I will just keep exhaling it out. I only want to inhale love.

That is my greatest desire in life. Love. To love and be loved in return. But the only love I truly need is God’s. But I will do my hardest to love EVERYONE even if it hurts them… because in the long wrong it is what is best for them.

I’m tired of waiting. I will no longer wait in fear.

I know what I want, so I am going to go for it. I’m going to leap off a metaphorical cliff and sure hope that I will fly. But even if I end up crashing into the water below… God will pick me up again.. because He is always there to pick us up… He will put me on the cliff once more and nudge me in a different direction to jump or a new technology that will help my fly lol. He will always be there to pick me up. I can’t fail my life. As long as I believe in God, He will be there.

I feel like I’ve been ignoring His will for WAY to long. I just keep asking for “signs” and not getting them or getting conflicting ones or think I am getting them but not sure… but really the only sign I need is to know that He is love and He wants me to be happy.

So I’m tired of waiting in fear. I’m taking God’s hand this week and jumping off that cliff. I’ll let y’all know next week of whether I am flying or falling to the ground. But action is going to take place this week.

It hurts too much to not exhale.

Advertisements
 
Leave a comment

Posted by on October 30, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

 
%d bloggers like this: