Finding my Life again…

21 Jun

I wish life had a restart button. A restart button that would allow you to start again all the way from the beginning, a year ago, a month ago, a week ago, etc.

Unfortunately that doesn’t exist, so we have to move forward from where we are at and make something out of it.

Recently for some reason… the OCD has been winning… mostly the Pure O type but then I have the compulsion just to avoid life and hide in my bedroom.

Part of it is that I am overly tired and I’m stressing about my Best Friend’s wedding b/c it really is the only thing that is currently occupying my time. As we’ve discussed before I’m always tired… they think I may have mild narcolepsy but they can’t say for sure… either way though I need a new sleeping regime b/c what I’m doing isn’t good.

I’m at my parent’s house for the summer… who believe in waking up every morning between 6 and 7am… I’m not used to waking up till 9am at the earliest. You think though that if I just went to bed earlier this wouldn’t be a problem… but it is hard to b/c when my parents go to bed is when I can have my “alone time” which I desperately need… especially from my parents. And sometimes I just love it so much I extend it late into the night. I love my parents and don’t want to hurt their feelings by needing my alone time during the day with them… but I think I am going to have to start doing so in order that I actually sleep for 8+ hours at night.

I know I need to start working out again too… I’m just too tired to find the energy… but I need to force myself. I also need to start preparing for my PhD programs by casually reading articles and ardently working on my Spanish skills. As of right now I’ve just been reading and playing video games… which I LOVE TO DO but it doesn’t give me the structure that I need in life… that my OCD needs in life… which I think may have been what made this past year more difficult than it should have been… I just didn’t have any structure b/c I was giving everything up b/c my OCD was in the way.

So I’m putting into writing that I am going to do this and I need you guys to keep me accountable. PLEASE. Also if you have suggestions for anything that I should do I need to know… b/c I really have no idea how one starts to “work out” and eat well and such… so I’m just going with the basic walking/jogging in the morning, trying to eat right, and having things to do throughout the day.

Ok… So I’m publicizing the following…

Current Height: 5’7″

Current Weight: 145    Goal Weight: 130

Current Loose Weight Plan: 3 mile walk/jog in the morning… Hit two birds with one stone by taking my puppy with me for part of it. Also record everything that I eat.. try not to eat over 1500 calories.

Activities: Find Something Creative to do (apparently this helps OCD people to do something creative). Work on Spanish 45min-1 hour a day. Read one to two scholarly articles a day (depending on length) or one to two scholarly book chapters (depending on length). Play with puppy!

I’ll post more as I think of it or if anyone gives me tips!




Posted by on June 21, 2012 in Uncategorized


Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

7 responses to “Finding my Life again…

  1. 71 & Sunny

    June 21, 2012 at 10:59 PM

    Hey Brooke! Sounds like you’ve got a good plan in place. Yes, I’m the same way. I do much, much better when I have structure in my life. I’m pretty much the last person to give any health tips about eating and working out. I hate exercise. I do find, though, that if I can do fun stuff, like swimming, bike riding, stuff like that, that I don’t hate the exercise quite as much. It’s great that you’ve got a little puppy to keep you company.

    I can tell you that when my anxiety was really, really bad, I slept a lot. I was just so tired from my mind spinning all the time. I wonder if that may be some of your sleep issues?

    What are you getting your PhD in?

    • Brooke

      June 23, 2012 at 11:18 PM

      Hey Sunny! I hate exercise too! During the school year I walk to and from school which was around 3 miles a day… now while I am at home I’m doing nothing… so I figure I need to do something. I still can’t bring myself to go walking 3 miles a day yet. My parents live in Florida so after about 8am it gets too hot to walk and I have a hard time being fully awake that early. My parents though do have an elliptical… so I have switched my routine to doing that for 30 minutes in the morning (once I am more alert). Maybe if I get this sleep thing down I might be able to be awake enough to go on a walk with my puppy. She is a 5 month old maltipoo! So while she is extremely tiny she has more energy then I will have in my entire life combined! lol I really need to start taking her on those walks! Right now we just play fetch for like an hour every day.

      Originally I thought that was what my sleep problem was too. I must say that when my OCD was severe that was def the case. But now… my anxiety really isn’t high… my mind still does some running around but I am able to ignore it most of the time… but just b/c it wasn’t as loud as it used to be.. perhaps that doesn’t mean that it still isn’t tiring out my brain? I’m not sure. It is just really annoying. I also know that I don’t cry… I sleep… also when I want to avoid life… I sleep… sleeping is like my getaway.. so perhaps I’m more distressed with life than I am letting myself realize? I wish I understood myself. lol

      My PhD is in one of the Social Sciences. I’m sorry but I don’t feel comfortable enough to narrow it down more than that. My field is very small… so I’m terrified that one day someone in my field will find this blog and then realize it is me. I know I should be fighting the stigma against mental illness… but in academia… mental illnesses are highly frowned upon. School Work comes first. Presenting at conferences second. Field work third. Mental Health fourth. Family Fifth. It is kind of sad. I wish I could turn academia’s thinking around.

      • 71 & Sunny

        June 24, 2012 at 9:47 PM

        Oh, your puppy sounds cute! I don’t like it when it’s hot, so I would definitely have a hard time walking in the heat too.

        Please don’t apologize for not sharing more about your PhD. I get it. You have to protect your livelihood. Mental illness stigma can be fought in others ways besides advertising to the world that you have it! I’m sure you can guess that my real name isn’t really Sunny! ha ha

  2. Jessica

    June 22, 2012 at 1:50 PM

    I have no suggestions about exercise/diet. I kind of make up my “plan” as I go. 🙂 I will, however, volunteer to be your language/scholarship buddy. I need to really focus on my French skills and finish working on some articles for publication. I think 1 article/1 hour of French a day sounds good. We can keep each other accountable. 🙂

    • Brooke

      June 23, 2012 at 11:06 PM

      Yes please Jessica! I need someone to keep me accountable! the past two days have been good Spanish an hour a day… but the scholarly article… not so much… I just keep finding these fiction books I want to read instead lol… help! Please! lol

      • Jessica

        June 24, 2012 at 12:13 AM

        All right, starting Monday: project keep us productive. 😀

  3. Abigail

    June 30, 2012 at 7:12 PM

    Have you tried blogging in Spanish? I actually never have, but I’ve done a little chatting on Facebook in Spanish.

    Don’t worry about keeping your identity secret on your blog; sometimes I wonder who will find my blog and it limmits what I say a little bit.

    I sometimes try to bribe myself – wash my dishes, do a fun little kids craft. (That was today, and then once my dishes were washed, I wanted to get out of the house, so the craft remains undone.) Wash all my bowls (so I could eat cereal the next day), play a computer game. It works sometimes. Other times I make excuses and keep playing the games without doing the tasks.

    My OCD is lots better from when I first started ERP, but I think it still gets me more than I expect it to. I’ll run on pureO issues for a while before my counselor hears about it and labels it. And I think it does take more of a tole on me than I realize sometimes.

    Oh, and I really like your blog’s name!


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