Musings…

So I know I said that I was going to write about my connection with the Lady of Shalott… but I currently have other things on my mind.

Prior to going into these musings though SPOILER ALERT FOR SNOW WHITE AND THE HUNTSMAN. DON’T SAY I DIDN’T WARN YOU IF I ACCIDENTALLY REVEAL TOO MUCH ABOUT THE MOVIE FOR YOU. I don’t think there is actually any spoilers but just in case you’ve been warned lol

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So obviously I went and saw Snow White and the Huntsman with my best friend yesterday. It was a FANTASTIC movie. Seriously. I was extremely surprised, especially since it starred Kristen Stewart (which is why my Snow White pictures in this blog is of Snow White in Once Upon a Time and not Snow White and the Huntsman lol). Don’t get me wrong I do love most of the movies she is in (yes I’m a Twilight fan don’t judge lol)… but she can’t act. I’m sorry she can’t. All of her facial expressions seem to say “I need to go throw up now.” lol. But we will save my Kristen Stewart rant for another day. BUT ANYWAY all the other actors, the plot line, the computer animation, and the set were just SO amazing that I couldn’t help but absolutely love the movie and the character of Snow White (let us pretend she isn’t Kristen Stewart).

Snow White (at least in this rendition) is everything I ever have wanted to be: innocent, pure, fair, beautiful inside and out, courageous, fearless, putting others before herself, active, wanting to change the world for the better, strong, willing to love all, gentle, kind… and so many other qualities.

It is characters such as Snow White, Wanderer from The Host, and Edith from The Inheritance that I long to be.

I don’t want to be who I am… lazy, tired, scared, fearful, self- centered, forgetful, and unkind. I want to change and be just like them. But I don’t think I can. Or at least I don’t know how one can go back to “innocence” and “purity.”

I think I was once like Snow White for a period of my life. After I got into a huge blow out with a friend in high school about myself… I decided to change my life around. Care about others way more than me. Put others before me at all times. I stayed that way until the end of my 2nd year of undergrad… then OCD pulled me under its grips.

Having OCD has made me feel like I lost my innocence… my purity… because of the thoughts that plagued me. I became self-centered because I had to be careful of my actions at all times so that I didn’t ever hurt anyone. As I mentioned the root of all my OCD is really my fear of hurting others in terms of something just as simple as hurting someone’s feelings on accident or something ridiculous like accidentally contaminating them because I didn’t wash my hands enough or accidentally poisoning someone because I wasn’t paying attention well enough to the cleaning products I used and got it in a cup or something (ridiculous I know but it is something I fear).

My problem is is that I cared SO much about everyone else that I wanted to take myself out of the game of life in fear that I would accidentally inconvenience someone. So in a way its a bit of an oxymoron I became solely focused on myself, because I became fearful of what I may do to someone else’s life that might accidentally make it worse.

Snow White though… is so selfless that she never thinks of herself and always does good for others. Never does she do something that isn’t for the good of all mankind. And when the evil queen’s small army that went after Snow White after she escaped set fire to the village she was staying in… Snow White tried to stay to help the others, but it was the towns people who needed her to be safe. Needed her to continue on so that she may heal the rest of the world.

Snow White showed love for all. Forest creatures, the dwarfs she met a long the way, her huntsman, and her child hood friend. She even no longer hated the queen but felt sorry for her. Snow White is not one capable of hate.

I don’t think I am really capable of hate either. I think its wrong to hate anyone and that everyone who asks for it should be given a second chance. But there is one person I hate… myself. And I don’t know how to get over it or if I ever will. I’m too terrified to be selfless because what if in trying to help people I accidentally hurt someone?

Plus I’m not someone who people are just automatically drawn too. I read books and watch movies about the type of pure, innocent girl who so many love (both in terms of friendship and romantically) and I have never had that. Even during that period when I think I was most like Snow White… I never had followers or people drawn to me. I was always behind the scenes away from the lime light because I never wanted it (though secretly I think I did want it.. but wanting the lime light kind of scared me b/c that meant I cared too much about myself)… but neither do the “Snow White” type of women, but they still get it.

Taking a quote from A Great and Terrible Beauty 

“It’s not Kartik’s longing that hurts.  It’s my own. It’s knowing that I”ll never have what she has- a beauty* so powerful it brings things to you. I fear I will always have to chase the things I want. I’ll always have to wonder whether I’m truly wanted or whether I’ve just been settled for.”

*I’m interpreting beauty here as both inner and outer

I’ll never be the Snow White type… no matter how much I want it. I’ll always have to wonder if my presence is even wanted because I’m not the type of girl I want to be and other’s want me to be.

I long to be beautiful, to be pure, to be innocent, to be brave, to change the world for the better… But I’ll never be Snow White… I’m just always going to be me… and that isn’t good enough for anyone, especially me.

If I ever was once Snow White… OCD was my poisoned apple… and sadly I will never be woken by true love’s kiss… but forever stuck in a sleep full of nightmares