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Daily Archives: January 22, 2012

A Sleeping Academic

Life isn’t a fairytale.

No matter how much we want it, it does not exist.

I always thought that I could at least get a “Hollywood ending.” My thought process for this is that Hollywood endings really aren’t about endings, but are about beginnings. The beginning of relationships, new life after a great adventure, etc. Hollywood endings, to me, were always the prologue to the actual story.

I’ve tried to hold on to some hope and optimism… but as the days pass I find that I have less and less hope. I don’t want to be hopeless. I don’t want to not have feelings. I rather feel bitter resentment of my life not turning out the way that I want it to than nothing at all. Feeling nothing is scary.

But here I am. Sitting on the couch with a thousand things to do, but I can’t motivate myself to move. Its like I’m Snow White after she bit the apple or Sleeping Beauty after she got pricked by a needle.

But there is no prince coming to save me. True love’s (not that I have one) kiss won’t work. I’m not some amazing beauty/princess that the world can’t live without. I have to find a way to save myself, but I don’t have the energy. I’m too tired.

Maybe Sleeping Beauty and Snow White wanted/needed to sleep. To reenergize/ to reboot themselves. Maybe they would have woken up eventually without the aid of a prince, they just needed time.

After all even the energizer bunny has to get new batteries every once in a while. Maybe I just need a replacement battery. But its hard to replace your own battery.

But…. I know I can’t do this on my own. No one though is here to wake me up.

I must figure out how to save myself from myself. Behavior influences thought, so maybe I’ll act like everything is ok and I will be ok.

“I’m trying to be what I am not in fear that I will forget who I am. The mask stays on to protect me from others and myself.”- random poem(ish) thing I wrote a few days ago

I’m tired of feeling like this. I NEED to wake up. But…. not now… maybe tomorrow.

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Posted by on January 22, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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