So… if you’ve read the other posts…. you know last semester was bad.
I had friends, but I didn’t want them. I preferred to curl up in a ball and cry most nights. I let my friends go. Some still hung around, but it was nothing like it used to be. Before last semester, I had such an amazing group of friends. We all connected so well. It didn’t help matters that two of the major players in the group moved (they graduated). So basically my group of friends moved a part and in my internal battle, I didn’t care. Don’t get me wrong, without my friends last semester I wouldn’t have made it. But it was more that I was leaning on them to help me survive compared to doing friend things.
Well anyway, as you saw in my New Years resolution, I am forcing myself to socialize. Today was completely and utterly a social event. (1) A friend from the field came to visit me and one of my other friends. I hadn’t seen her in a while so it was nice to see her again. We hung out at my friend’s house, so not only did i socialize, but I got out of my house!! (2) I had dinner with another group of friends.This group included a friend from my old group of last year, her boyfriend, and a new graduate student who I talked to everyone in a while last semester.
Through both of these events, I had a great time. It was slightly awkward because, well, I haven’t socialized in a very long time. I couldn’t remember how to act quite right and like my old self. I had fun, but I also realized how much I missed this last semester. I mean it was just a “semester.” But so much happened in my friends lives and I’ve missed all of it. And I mean missed in both “i missed going to that class” and “I miss you.”
I feel like the worst friend ever. But I know they understand. But I feel like I really screwed up, because I have to get my friends back. B/c although they completely understand our friend chemistry just isn’t as it used to be. I feel like that without me they clearly found the way to replace me (especially through a specific person), and I don’t know what my place is anymore among my friends.
I want to be things like they were last year. Life was so good. But I know they can never be that way again. I miss the old me. Although I am a new me, I still feel like pieces of me are missing. I’m not sure if I’ll ever be whole again.
So here I am. After having a day of socializing and all I can think about is how depressed I feel. Blah. In trying to save myself last semester, I lost me, my friends, my life, and now I have to rebuild it all.